How can I give my 11 year old a "childhood" in London. What can we do?

[Quinteszilla]

Please dont get me wrong. I am an adult, I grew up in a different world, in a different time, where kids were kids and roamed free, and where school and homework was a natural part of life. I never questioned things much at that age, I went with "the flow". I also did what my parents told me to do.

I struggle with our 11 year old. We are in London where kids dont roam free, and where you dont just go knock on somebodys door to play or hang out.

I honestly dont know what to do! He comes home from school, is knackered, sits in front of his pc and aimlessly go between minecraft, and youtube videos. He seems obsessed with shooting games, bb guns, guns, and we found him looking at some gory stuff yesterday where people were impaled. He had found a reference to this on a Fails video.

He has a strong will. I cannot "make" him do anything. I struggle to get him to stop playing games, struggle to get him to do homework, he has lost interest in the trampoline, his skateboard, lego mindstorm, wont read books, not interested in good programs on tv. Nothing. Everything is a battle. I fight with him over homework until last minute where he suddenly blows a fuse because he had not done homework. I am incredulous, because I have told him Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday that he has a special homework in for Wednesday, and on tuesday night all hell breaks out because he is frustrated that he has not done it and he will get detention. I tell him he will take the consequences and get detention, and he freaks out.

What am I supposed to do? All weekend was spent on minecraft. I could not get him off that game. In the end I and ds2 went out without him, and just left him at home. He baked an apple crumble on his own, which he eventually binned without letting us have any, because we did not eat it straight away after dinner. We were watching Top Gear together, and he made a point of not watching because we were asking him to join us.
DH took them swimming on Sunday, and he refused to come, so dh left him behind with me. I was supposed to use the time he was away to study, and with ds1 home I couldnt. I tried to get him to do homework, he wouldnt.


He is too big to lift him off his chair and carry him out.


He is refusing to do everything and anything we ask of him, and shouts and screams if we try to restrict his minecraft.

I honestly wish we could afford to send him to boarding school. I have tried so hard to create a happy family life, and I am so drained by him.

I have not bothered to NC, so please go easy on me as I am feeling really fragile about this whole parenting lark.

[jonicomelately]

Is his Dad around? If so, could he not take charge of homework duties?

[bigTillyMint]

It sounds like you do lots of stuff as a family, which is good. Agree with titchy on making him manage his own homework time to fit in - that is what we do!

Is he unhappy, or is it you that is unhappy because he is not doing what you would like him to do?

Although DS does sport/goes out with friends, he also spends a lot of time at home. He likes being with us at the moment

[teenagetantrums]

I live in london, kids can go out, both mine when they started high school, went the park, shopping ect with friends, no need for him to be inside if he wants to go out, what about school friends? Homework I would just ask them to do it and then leave it, school will punish him if its not done. If you want him to go swimming just tell him to go, if he refuses, take his PC away and ban minecraft for a few days, sounds like he becoming a teenager to me, he wants his independence but sometimes he will still have t odo stuff you want him to, I can make my 19 year old do stuff with me if i want him to,(not that I apart for visiting grandparents) my house my rules.

[Quinteszilla]

"It sounds like homework is a big thing for him atm - he is only 11, it would be ok to help him with it, help him see it for what it is rather than build it up into a massive deal & get stressed. "

I am helping him with some of it, and that is why I am so "on to him" about it. I started on Friday evening explaining that if he wants me to help with X piece of homework for Wednesday he needs to factor in that I am taking ds2 to gymnastics on Tuesday, and he has kickboxing on Monday, so really we need to find a time to sit down together on the weekend. I was available for him all weekend. He was too tired as expected after kickboxing, and he knew I would not be around Tuesday night.

I had helped him select links to read online about the topics so he could read up before hand. (Ethics homework, which has included a formal structure relating to debating technique) We started watching Gandhi for him to get to grips with concepts relating to pacifism and non-violence, as well as racism.

[Quinteszilla]

His dad is around, but he was away with work for a few weeks, and he has just started a new job so is tired after work and work long hours. He is out of the house from 8 am to 7 pm most days, and he is knackered when he gets home. I am sure it will be better in a couple of weeks when he settled into his role.

[squizita]

careful before you judge

Apologies if you feel judged: I asked the exactly the same frank questions as I would helping a child/parent in RL as part of my job (which frequently involves helping 11-18 year olds, recently moved to the UK, who are having trouble settling in). I based them on inferences based on what you wrote - which others have picked up on too - because in RL we don't always write/say our base thoughts, do we? We don't say "kids in x are nicer" but we might give all positive examples from x, and all negative from y.

[Quinteszilla]

It is actually encouraging that none of you are mentioning cahms, or anger management, or that he is totally off the rails in his behaviour. Knowing that his behaviour seems like pretty normal-ish teenage stuff is helpful.

There are lots of good suggestions. Maybe I have been focusing too much on what he would do if the situation was different, and not enough on the opportunities he actually has (that he is not taking).

His friend from school nearby is also into skateboards, so maybe we could suggest something in that respect.

[squizita]

Also- and you'll know this, having lived in London with us Londoners - the prefix "careful before you..." is seen as quite an angry, aggressive one. Very different from "Please don't judge" or even just "Stop judging".

[nobutreally]

Sorry, (re:PC) - I guess I was wondering how he was getting away with mooching for so long... Right, this is what I'd do:

• prioritise getting friendships sorted: missing y1-y5 is a BIG gap, and not having a peer group is tough, and will I'm sure be making him feel insecure. My ds is 'quirky' (understatement) but it's accepted in his peer group because they've known him since he was 3, and he was ever thus! If you're breaking into friendship groups it's tougher - where-ever you are. I'd work on enabling friendships anyway you can.
  
• I'd ask school about homework - what would they suggest?
  
• I'd sit down (away from the house?) and talk to him about what you feel the house rules need to be - and get his input (no shouting? Screen time rules?) - what is his take on things/how is he feeling/what would he do differently? Classic How to talk stuff, really.
  

I also agree with others that maybe what you're experiencing is partly normal 11 yo behaviour, esp when dropped into a new environment. Moving has almost certainly heightened things - and will have made some things harder. But even scandinavian teens have hormones

[Quinteszilla]

squizita - yes but you seemed to assume that I see the kids in his peer-group as rough and hard, but I dont. They are very privileged. This does not mean they are not hard or cruel like kids can be, bullying and cruelty transcends upbringing and privilege, the kids are just different, and maybe less accepting. I know they think he is weird, they say so to him on instagram, whereas the conversations with his Norwegian friends are very different. They are real conversations. The kids here seem to just fling off accusations and bait.

[soontobeslendergirl]

Ha ha, my 12 year old asked the other day if he should see a psychiatrist about his anger issues!

I explained he has always been tempremental and that just because his brother is quiet doesn't mean because he isn't that he isn't normal. He just needs to learn to think a bit before reacting and give people a chance to finish what they are saying. He also needs to learn to laugh at himself a bit and not take everything so personally. Mainly though it's all part of growing up and entirely norma even if it is bloody frustrating!

[Francagoestohollywood]

It's totally normal 11 yr old behaviour, ime.

And imho, what he needs is good friends. And it takes a while to make good friends at his age. I am saying so, because I see my ds who is very friendly, but, after 6 months in his new school, he still prefers to hang out with his friends from primary school.

Give him time.

[Quinteszilla]

Squizita, I echoed your "Be careful " - good to know that you meant to sound aggressive.

I dont find your posts to me helpful at all. I find that you try to pick me apart in a very unkind way (unlike most Londoners I mix with), so I wont respond to you any further. I said at the beginning of the thread to please be gentle with me as I feel very fragile.

[squizita]

Sorry Quint I meant emotionally hard - regardless of social class. Those kids sound awful and cliquey to be honest- have you tried other sources of friendship via 'open' hobbies such as youth clubs, boy scouts (which I know seems very uncool before they start, but often they enjoy it afterwards) or volunteering? Essentially hobbies where they can chat as they do (not always possible with sports).

[Quinteszilla]

Right, so I need to tackle the friendships.

How do I go about doing that when I dont know any of the mums and he is in secondary? His birthday is coming up soon, and he wants to do paintballing. Maybe this is a good start?

Take him and only him out for a cream cooler and see if we can come up with anything useful regards to homework.

keep at the kickboxing, and encourage friendships there too.

[Quinteszilla]

I have lots to mull over. Thanks.

Need to get back to work.

[squizita]

Quint ah again a misunderstanding. :) Essentially 'be careful before you do something to me' = be careful or I might do something to you back! (Not for a second saying that you meant that).
Slightly different from 'careful you don't trip over/get upset over that other thing'.
:)

[Seeline]

Actually Scouts is a good idea. It's the one thing during the week that really makes my DS get on with his homework, as I won't let him go unless it's done. It's a good way for kids to experience a range of different activities, and make friends from outside school (although again, my DS wouldn't think to meet up with his Scout friends outside of Scout activities!!).

[soontobeslendergirl]

sounds a good plan Quint - he does sound unhappy. Does he socialise on-line at all? Could he get skype details for the boys he does get on with? Even if he was then still on PC he'd be socialising too.

What about getting him into board games e.g. role playing stuff - i'm sure there will be a games place in the locality that has sessions for that.

[Seeline]

Are there any clubs at school that he might be interested in? Either lunchtime or after school. It's a good way of getting to know classmates outside of the formal learning environment.
Have a look at the school website, or again contact his form tutor for help.

[squizita]

Just some places to make friends (these are ones I suggest to new kids in town locally):

scouts.org.uk/home/

Don't know if he'll be horrified at the very thought (it's got quite a twee image) but a few lads I work with who were loners got on well with the (often kinder souled) types at Scouts.

Also this is one I use a lot - it's an 'emergency service' so great for their skills (and a bit more grown up than Scouts), motivates at school (they often want to be a Dr or Nurse so get into science) and by its nature the cadets are often, again, kind kids at heart:
www.sja.org.uk/sja/young-people.aspx

[soontobeslendergirl]

I'd maybe do a wee bit of research of things available in the area and give him the choice to try a few.

There is probablly a lot going on that you don't even realise.

[soontobeslendergirl]

My boys love Scouts, one is quiet and a bit nerdy, but the other is a trendy boy who is pretty outgoing - it seems to suit them both.

[mummytime]

We love the wetland center! (Youngest asks to go there most times we ask for suggestions to go out).

IT WOULD NOT BE BETTER IN NORWAY.

You cannot solve problems by running away. He is a teen. Some teens love going out. Some just want to veg.

Discuss with him what he wants to do long term. Work with him on ideas of how he will get there. Don't argue about homework. Remind him once, but leave it up to school to punish (if they don't you have no hope of getting an unwilling student to take it seriously). Do point out the jobs he will end up with if he doesn't get GCSEs, but then leave it to settle in.

A lot of young people in some countries are more conformist than is the norm in the UK. Which is fine. But that doesn't mean your son would be.

I would suggest reading some parenting teen books. Beware incase he shows signs of depression, and then get him help or direct him towards help.

Work hard to spot 10 things he does correctly every day and praise him for them (and having a shower or brushing teeth or going to school are not too unimportant to praise- believe me).

As for the internet, my DH has restricted the internet use for each device we have which can access it.

[Quinteszilla]

I have just discovered the Sea Cadets...........

THANKS!