Mother's parenting punishment style to my three year old.

[supremelmp]

It was my daughter's birthday a couple of days ago. She just turned three but very advanced for her age, so my mother decided to present her with a minnie mouse ballerina statue to keep on her bookcase. It was her's when she was a little girl and I think her's mother's as well. When she opened the present we had a big talk with her about looking after it and it was to go on top of her bookcase where she couldn't reach but she could look at it. My mum told me she had hopes that she'd grow up with it and pass it on to her children. Anyway yesterday I went to a uni lecture and my mum was looking after her. When I got back my daughter had been put to bed (it was lunchtime bit odd for her) and found my mum very upset in the lounge. Apparently my mother was showing her how the statue's mouth moved when you pulled a lever at the back so it looked like it was talking. Apparently the phone rang and she nipped in the next room to grab it, literally 2 seconds (I only live in a small flat) and my daughter picked up the statue and threw it against the wall. Breaking apart of it off. My mum was devastated and smacked her bum and put her in the naughty corner for 15 mins. She also told her that she'd hurt minnie mouse and now she could never get better and it was her fault. Apparently she also said to her about how she changed her mind about taking her to disney in a couple of months time as a late birthday present and now the princesses would never want to see her, then put her to bed to 'think about what she'd done'. Went in to see my daughter and her face was streaked with tears. She said she'd done something really bad and she was really really sorry and didn't want the princesses to hate her. (She's obsessed with disney princesses she's been excited about this holiday for weeks now). I told my mum it was too excessive of a punishment but she's standing her ground saying that she deserved it and she would have done the same with any other child. She said she'd never learn if you just told her it was wrong put her in time out for 3 mins and then gave her a cuddle. We've fallen out now other it, but was talking to my boyfriend about it and while he wasn't big on the smacked bum he agrees with her with the rest of it. Now its 2 against one and I'm doubting my parenting skills when my daughter does something wrong. What do you think of the way she handled it?

You simply don't leave a 3 yr old alone with anything precious, they are too young. It was an over reaction.

Your poor little Dd she's only 3 bless her x

Your mother is angry at herself, and so she should be: she was a naive idiot to imagine a 3yo would be perfect with such a fragile toy.

soarklysilversequins also makes an excellent point about how the lengthy talk about Minnie was a bit of a wind-up to a child if that age - the phone call must have felt like a "relief" from the lecture... and so the child unwound, with a snap!

I wonder, also, if your mother is subconsciously appeasing her mother, too, as her mother left Minnie in her care... now a 3yo has broken Minnie after all those years! Deep down, she knows she (your M) was the careless one, and she's as freaked out as a child herself! Maybe her mother originated the "Disney heroines won't like you" attack!

She"s still wrong for takibg all that out on your DD, and I hope she manages a climbdown which doesn't cost everyone too much!

How's it going, OP?

I agree re the 'two against one' thing - it is not for a committee of you, DP and your Mum to decide on these things with equal weight - fine if you choose to listen to and consider their pov, but she is YOUR dd and you need to follow your instincts and experience and make your own decisions.

I am pleased your DP baulked at the smacking, but that he feels it was reasonable to withdraw a holiday to Disney. Very harsh. Does he understand small children?

Agree with everyone else. I have a really sensible just 5 year old and would not trust her with something like that if I valued it. Even my well behaved 7 year old in fact. Your mothers reaction is loaded with lots of other stuff in her her head, from her own childhood perhaps. It was wrong of your dd to throw the doll but a brisk telling off would suffice here and explain now she has broken the doll she doesn't have it anymore - so immediate consequence of bad behaviour. Then move on.

In fact I bought both mine mini china dolls at a museum as a treat (only 3 euros). DD2s was broken and smashed by the next day as she had put it in her pocket and gone off playing so it broke. She was devastated but it didn't occur to me to shout at her I chose to give her something that wasn't child proof it was my fault

To agree with nearly everyone on here so far, your mum seriously over reacted and the blame here is hers for trusting a small child with something precious and irreplaceable.

My 4 DS would know not to throw something at the wall but he would very easily break something fragile by accident by fiddling or just trying to 'look' at it. He therefore doesn't have anything fragile or irreplaceable within reach.

Poor little girl - I wonder if she even knows/remembers why her gran was so cross with her. And to tell her that about the Disney Princesses she loves is just cruel tbh.

This is a huge pet peeve (not least because my mother used to do it, but at least she was pragmatic about breakages & shrugged them off).

Small children should not be given fragile gifts. It's entirely the adult's fault when they get broken. ARGH.

(way cool though, I have to use it!!)

Your mum made a bad decision with that statue, and she took it out on your wee girl.
A smacked bum and the naughty step for 15 minutes at 3? Telling her the Disney princesses wouldn't want to see her now, so she's not getting to go to Disneyland any more?
Very OTT.

She owes you both an apology.

I find it hard to believe a 3 year old would throw something precious against a wall - accidentally drop yes but purposefully throw ? That's strange

Agree with almost everyone else -massive unfair punishment and quite frankly cruel

My mother tried to give my four year old something similar - I said no because she's not old enough to appreciate it - my mother had a tiff and now won't give it to her even though my daughter is now old enough - ridiculous

Is it this one?
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/JIM-SHORE-DISNEY-Figurine-MINNIE-MOUSE-Fairy-NUTCRACKER-BALLERINA-Sugar-Plum-/251299947266?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3a82a4e302

Maybe just replace it....

Welcome to mumsnet OP.

If your mother is so extreme and abusive perhaps she shouldn't see your DD any more, or at least not be allowed to promise her things or look after her alone.

Your mum is way out of line. I'd be furious. I'd also tell dd that your mother was wrong & was v upset so said things she shouldn't have & you're sorry, (your responsibility to look after dd & tbh you failed her-that sounds harsh but she'll be devastated & how you deal with this can improve dd's trust with you). My ds is 4.5 now & still talks about minor upsetting things that happened when he was 2 or 3. You don't want this to be her first memory.

Sorry this has happened & hope she's ok x

When I was reading the huge build up to this presentation of the bit of overpriced Disney tat incredibly precious family heirloom I wanted to break it.

I agree with wibblypig anyone hitting my child for any reason would never be alone with them again.

Oh dear, your poor daughter.
One of my children broke a very precious china bowl when they were about 3 or 4. It was bought for me as a baby by my mother, who sadly died when I was born. I only had 2 things that were my mothers so very precious. However, that daughter is now 33 and has no idea that she the bowl she broke meant so much, nor how upset I was about it - I still have the broken bits somewhere!
There are times when the grown ups have to be grown up, and this was one of them.

My grandchildren, that is lovely, what a great lesson & I'm sorry for your loss

Your mum gave a THREE YEAR OLD a fragile family heirloom statue? And then she punished a THREE YEAR OLD for breaking it? I'd be livid with your mum, she needs to be sent to bed to think about what she's done!!! I'd not e letting her look after DD again.

And your boyfriend needs his bum smacked too.

You're totally in the right stand your ground!

Thanks evelynj

Pffrt, your mother is a lunatic.

I would tell her that;

a. She overreacte
b. It's her own fault for leaving a toddler alone with a precious, damageable object
c. I don't give a shit about Minnie bloody Mouse.

She needs to get a grip.

I find it hard to believe a 3 year old would throw something precious against a wall - accidentally drop yes but purposefully throw ? That's strange

Hahahahahahshahaha. Really?!

I am in complete agreement with all other posters and I wonder if in fact the child did throw the thing at the wall - seems a strange thing to do unless she was really wound up/tired/frustrated which didn't seem to be the case. I wonder if she was just fiddling with it and broke a piece off it or something. Maybe your mother had to say she threw it at the wall (how did she know she did this anyway - I doubt the child would tell her) to justify her over reaction.

Hope you're not letting your mother take your daughter to Disney. I'd be wary of leaving her in her care again, and I'm a grandmother btw!

how do you even know she threw it at the wall? presumably your mother was not there to witness the breaking of the figurine - so what makes her think it was even deliberate?

i would be livid with your mother.

this was entirely avoidable. if it was so precious then your 3 yr old shouldnt have been left alone with it. and whose fault was that?

i would be having serious words. Your mother was not punishing your dd for the figurine being broken - she was simply angry and taking it out on her. There is a difference. punishment should fit the crime and be a learning tool - what did your dd learn here? nothing of use.

id be angry with your mother. id bloody smack her and sit her in the corner.....for every minute of her years. then stick her to bed with a few threats....simply not acceptable.

at 3 its a minute for each year in the naughty corner - any more is a waste of time as littleis have no concept of time.

Looks like it's unanimous then. I would show your mum, and your dp, this thread so they can both see just how unacceptable those punishments were. I would feel so sad and angry if this had happened to my ds in someone else's 'care'. 3 year olds are heavy handed. Perhaps your mum has forgotten that. Totally, utterly wrong. The guilt trip alone was particularly nasty. Poor little girl. Hugs to you both.

I'm just going to put it out there, that this is an interesting first post, and the OP has not been back.

I'm just going to throw in an alternative view here, and defend the grandmother! I agree that the total number of punishments here was excessive, but to call her abusive, cruel etc and to characterise the three-year-old as a poor, mistreated innocent is to polarise the situation too far!

It is quite wrong, and very bad behaviour, for a three-year-old to be hurling objects - especially ones that they know to be precious to someone else - against a wall! The grandmother should have been able to leave the object with the child for the couple of minutes needed to answer the phone without coming back to find it in pieces, having been deliberately manhandled. I was a very liberal parent when my children were young, but one thing I did not tolerate at all was the deliberate destruction of objects such as toys and furniture. Both my children learned very quickly that I took a very dim view of this and simply didn't do it. If the grandmother had not reacted strongly, the child would have been left thinking it was wasn't too bad to simply destroy or damage something valued by others - the epitome of spoiled behaviour.

The grandmother obviously loves the child - like most grannies she would probably lay down her life for her grandchildren - and to demonise her after a single incident like this is ridiculous. The fact that she was willing to take her grand-daughter on such a lovely trip is proof of her underlying kindness and generosity towards the child.

Yes, of course, the mother should talk to her own Mum about the limits of grandparents' discipline, but to talk in such utterly black and white terms and make the grandmother a pantomime villain is ludicrous.