Mother's parenting punishment style to my three year old.

[supremelmp]

It was my daughter's birthday a couple of days ago. She just turned three but very advanced for her age, so my mother decided to present her with a minnie mouse ballerina statue to keep on her bookcase. It was her's when she was a little girl and I think her's mother's as well. When she opened the present we had a big talk with her about looking after it and it was to go on top of her bookcase where she couldn't reach but she could look at it. My mum told me she had hopes that she'd grow up with it and pass it on to her children. Anyway yesterday I went to a uni lecture and my mum was looking after her. When I got back my daughter had been put to bed (it was lunchtime bit odd for her) and found my mum very upset in the lounge. Apparently my mother was showing her how the statue's mouth moved when you pulled a lever at the back so it looked like it was talking. Apparently the phone rang and she nipped in the next room to grab it, literally 2 seconds (I only live in a small flat) and my daughter picked up the statue and threw it against the wall. Breaking apart of it off. My mum was devastated and smacked her bum and put her in the naughty corner for 15 mins. She also told her that she'd hurt minnie mouse and now she could never get better and it was her fault. Apparently she also said to her about how she changed her mind about taking her to disney in a couple of months time as a late birthday present and now the princesses would never want to see her, then put her to bed to 'think about what she'd done'. Went in to see my daughter and her face was streaked with tears. She said she'd done something really bad and she was really really sorry and didn't want the princesses to hate her. (She's obsessed with disney princesses she's been excited about this holiday for weeks now). I told my mum it was too excessive of a punishment but she's standing her ground saying that she deserved it and she would have done the same with any other child. She said she'd never learn if you just told her it was wrong put her in time out for 3 mins and then gave her a cuddle. We've fallen out now other it, but was talking to my boyfriend about it and while he wasn't big on the smacked bum he agrees with her with the rest of it. Now its 2 against one and I'm doubting my parenting skills when my daughter does something wrong. What do you think of the way she handled it?

Well I have to say, I would have expected my dcs not to throw things on the wall at that age. And I know they've never done that. Hence the fact I am at the fact this little girl did.

But I would have expected a 3yo to be careful enough with something fragile like this. Or with something that you deeply care about. A bit like crystal glasses really. I wouldn't give them to my dcs at that age. Still don't (last time we did, one got chipped by mistake. dc is now 9yo...)

Your Mum has completely overreacted.

Your poor DD is only 3.

1. Your Mum must take some of the blame for leaving a small child alone with something fragile and precious. A silly move on her part.

A side point but your Mum gave away the ornament and it is now your DDs. Your DD didn't break your Mum's ornament she broke her own. Your seems to be still claiming ownership 'DD broke my ornament' if you see my point?

1. It is never OK to smack a child. My parents smacked me in the 80s but know I do not smack my children and would never dream of punishing their grandchildren in this way. I would be livid. 15 minutes is also far too long to put a 3 year old in time out.

1. Cancelling a long anticipated holiday over this is cruel. A massive massive overreaction.

Don't doubt your parenting skills. You are right here and your Mum and BF are hugely overreacting.

It's a shame a precious ornament has been broken but 3 year olds lack impulse control.

Your mother massively over reacted because SHE was so upset and the toy meant so much to HER. Is she always this self centred? Does she not get that a child of only just 3 has no idea of concepts such as a multi generational heirloom and how that might have sentimental value to an older person?

I am not surprised that your mother is very upset, but it was totally out of order to react in the way she did. Your poor DD. you need to explain to your DM that whilst you understand her sadness at the loss of her precious heirloom, what is important now is for her to rebuild a relationship with your DD and that that will be hard in view of the way she has behaved. Your DM can start by apologising to your DD and by trying to explain that she over reacted because she was so sad but that that was NOT your DD's fault and that she (your DM) accepts that how she behaved was wrong and that is why she is saying sorry, and please may she have a cuddle and forget all about it? That will at least start to build bridges and to set an example of how a mature adult should try to make amends after behaving badly and wrongly.

Your Mum has shown exactly the same lack of control as your 3-year-old, and how old is she?

First, I would be sympathetic to your Mum. Your DD broke a precious keepsake and your Mum is understandably upset.

However, of course her reaction was way OTT and out-of-control. I have no idea how we know your DD threw the toy at the wall (no one witnessed this). She either carelessly or deliberately broke it - but I agree with those who say this is your Mum's fault. I would never leave a precious breakable in the hands of a 3-year-old; that's just not very clever.

Your Mum needs to accept that she was in the wrong to leave the toy in your DD's care, and wrong to smack her, and unbelievably wrong to revoke a promised holiday.

I find it hard to believe this is one-off behaviour from your Mum. Does she have form for this kind of stuff?

My guess would be that the girl tried to do the lever herself, couldn't and then flung it in frustration. No idea that it would break - how could she know? Completely normal 3yo behaviour in my opinion and experience and the loss of the figurine was probably punishment enough.

Your poor DD.

I agree with being punished for wrongdoing. But your DM wasn't punishing to teach a lesson. She was trying to make herself feel better by punishing and upsetting a 3 year old. Horrible. Particularly the princess comment which I find to be bordering on emotionally abusive.

I would not be leaving my DC with anyone who was so spiteful to a toddler and can't control their anger.

Your mother has behaved atrociously. How is a three year old to know the difference between a mouse figure and a mouse toy.

I would cut contact for a bit. She sounds like a loon.

You are a mother. Your job is to protec your child. Either fro. Strangers or from people she knows that will hurt her.

I have a three year old. It's a tough age in that when you tell them not to do something, they have a natural instinct to explore what the consequences are. This isn't defiance or wrong-doing; it's the way children find out about the world.

By the way, the consequences here are that the doll thing broke. The rest of it - your mum's upset - is because your mum had an unreal expectation of how your daughter could conceptualise the value and consequences of the doll.

Your mum and your boyfriend have got this totally wrong. Your poor daughter and poor you having to deal with your mum's mad belief system about values in relation to this thing.

Your mum shouldn't have left her alone with the thing if she doesn't want it broken, shouldn't have given her an age inappropriate thing and expect anything other than age appropriate behaviour. The smacking - well, I think this is awful in any context - but the horrible lies to your dear, trusting girl about disney princesses not wanting to meet her, is vile behaviour and your mum should be ashamed. It's emotionally manipulative lies, told basically so your mum can see your little girl is upset enough for her own satisfaction. I can accept that your mum was upset but that is her fucking problem, and what she has done here is given her own inability to cope with disappointment to a three year old to handle. Twisted. Your mum really should be addressing why this stupid thing was worth a heartbroken three year old? I am usually very careful about being reasonable on these sorts of threads but this is just utterly disgusting behaviour.

Hold your daughter tight and your values close, OP.

And show your mum and BF this thread

Idiotic to give something so precious to a tiny child.

Nasty and spiteful to say the stuff about the princesses.

Complete overreaction.

Seriously. What everyone else said.

Whatever happened to "the punishment fits the crime"? She is THREE and she got about 10 different punishments for the same crime - which can't even be called a crime because she is THREE!!!

Your mum and boyfriend are way over the top.

My mum wouldn't be left alone with my DDs any more after behaviour like that. Smacking is a massive deal breaker in our house.

Maybe your dd was hoping if she got rid of it your Mum would STFU about it!

I have a feeling that DD will probably remember this incident for a very long time. She might never forget it to be honest.

Everything that your mother did including giving the doll to DD with fairly onerous conditions attached seems odd and controlling.

My mother would probably have reacted the same way and I don't speak to her now.

Way over the top reaction

I agree, no one smacks my children - including me

OMG this is appalling and your mum is a selfish cow. Giving DD that present was all about what it meant to her, with no concern for what present your DD would actually enjoy, and no clue about what a 3yo can handle.

My DD (just 4) is grown-up for her age in many ways but I can see how the frustration of being given something like this and not being allowed to touch it, and being put under huge pressure to worship and treasure it for nothing more than the sake of granny's feelings, could push her over the edge and make her want to throw it. If she did I would tell her off, talk about how she felt, and she would be asked to help mend it. Nothing more.

I've actually shed a tear for your DD as I feel so awful for her. :(

If I was you I would be taking her to disney and telling her your mum is a bit silly. I would be asking your mum for an apology for her OTT reaction and the hitting too.

Actually I think it's really important that you talk to DD about how this made her feel and help her understand that too much was expected of her and the punishment was too harsh. Otherwise this could really hurt her. It is this kind of thing that leaves you with horrible childhood memories and makes you hate someone forever.

Agree talk to DD, she needs not to take responsibility for your mum's feelings and internalise the narrative of her being bad.

what a silly woman to leave something precious and fragile in the hands of a 3yo

at that age I did not leave little brother alone with dd, and he was a good deal less fragile than a ballerina statue

but I reckoned it was my responsibility not to leave her in situations she might not be able to handle

I would be absolutely fuming if my dm did this. She was completely out of order. She has given your dd something that is obviously far too precious to her, and then reacted in a ridiculous way when it got damaged. Your dd is three ffs!!! Your poor baby girl.

I would stick to your guns op, your mum is way out of order.

Maybe your dd was hoping if she got rid of it your Mum would STFU about it!

This^

Your mum gave it away so in a little girl's head so technically it is hers to do with what she wants.

I can't believe anyone would tell a child all that about the princesses.

And smacking IS abuse. If you had it your mum she'd call the cops but she is allowed to hit a defenseless child and get away with it. How fair is that?

If you had HIT your mum...

It is not two against one. She's your daughter and what you say goes. Anyone who hit my children wouldn't see them again, simple.

She is so young, and I think that people quickly forget just how little and immature children can be. She is still developing, her brain maturing and learning about the world. And what her grandma asked her to understand was too complex and adult, and then punished her in so many ways, all speaking of a grown woman's anger, not a tiny child's guilt.

I hope you can convince her that the princesses still like her and that they probably did things like that when they were little too.

As for the grown ups, I'm actually more worried about your bf agreeing with your mother than your mothers nasty reaction. You can limit your mothers contact more than a partners...