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Parenting

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Original poster

Becoming a Grandparent and not pleased

19 replies

liquoriceallsorts · 20/02/2014 23:20

Hi. My 20 year old ds has just announced that I am going to be a grandmother this year. Feel guilty as I am heartbroken and don't know what to say to him. He is in a relationship with a young Mum who seems to have mental health issues. They have only been together a year and have broken up numerous times. He feels that he is "making her life better" and at 19 he took on her, her child and is supporting them both (although her existing child lives part time with her ex partner/childs father). His life has got worse (in my view) in this relationship he has lost his friends, social life, career plans, etc. I had him at 22 but obviously you don't want your children to make the same life choices you did and I wanted more for him than this. Feel sad.

OP posts:

EatShitDerek · 20/02/2014 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LisaAYarrow · 20/02/2014 23:29

We went through a similar situation with my brother when he married and had his children with a complete scumbag of a woman. He was at university at the time and we were convinced he'd give up all his plans for her as she was very jealous of his freedom and mixed friends. She used to go to the cash machine and withdraw all his wages before he'd even come home and this was when he was around 26 years old - settled in a really dodgy estate with 2 kids they had together. He didn't know but his friends all hated her and his engagement party was like a wake. But! Hurrah! She eventually cheated on him with (not joking) a blind woman's husband - classy - and they split. I won't lie, he went through hell at the time and we felt so bad for him. He is now a successful man with a lovely new woman, a proper career and money in the bank. Anyway, I'm just telling you this to reassure that things can change at any time, his life isn't set in stone at this young age, although I appreciate that won't end the worry now. He sounds like a lovely, responsible guy and I hope things get better for him :) Life will be what he makes of it and at least he has his lovely mum looking out for him.

wilkos · 20/02/2014 23:30

I'm so sorry you feel that way... But yourDS sounds like a very decent young man to be sticking by her and her DC. Can you take some comfort in that maybe?

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MrCabDriver · 20/02/2014 23:30

Why is not right to say that EatShit?

Presumably the OP knows more than what she's said in the post, I don't think she's saying she thinks she has mental health issues BECAUSE she was a young mum.

From what you've said I can understand why you feel the way you do.

However, it's a choice that they have made and as his mum I guess all you can do is be there for him.
If you think she has mental health issues do you think she is getting the right support?
Perhaps you can be a positive influence in her life too?

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 20/02/2014 23:30

She is 24 so not that young. The mental health issues are concerning me and why I am worried about them having a child together and his ability to cope with all that so it is relevant. I was a young Mum myself so that is not an issue was just trying to describe the situation. You are right he is old enough to make his own choices.

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Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 20/02/2014 23:34

Thank you MrCabDriver that is what I meant. It is hard as I live far away and have three other kids, two much much younger (huge age gap between oldest and youngest of 18 years). My Mum lives near them and has been giving them support. I know she is under the doctor with medication and having counselling. Its just worrying and trying to be supportive and not say the wrong thing. Should be a happy time but just feel flat and sad.

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YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:37

Isnt he already parenting though OP?(and you a grandparent if not actively involved)

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 20/02/2014 23:46

Sort of and not! He says he isnt allowed to parent his girlfriends child as she isnt his (girlfriend seems to have told him this). He does spend all the time he is not at work with the girlfriend and child. I have met the girlfriend and child a few times and we had them for Christmas and gave gifts. But they dont treat me as grandparent.

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YoureBeingASillyBilly · 20/02/2014 23:48

Ooh! Tough- why is he living with and supporting a child he isnt 'allowed' to parent? Was the pregnancy planned?

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 20/02/2014 23:57

He says unplanned. When they split up in the past I thought because it was over it was safe to reveal my feelings then they got back together. This is his first serious relationship. His girlfriend seems to make all the rules and he just tells me he loves her and she needs him. Its painful and I have no idea how to help or what to do. Told him that I am not happy but love him and will support him in the choices he makes as its his life but cant stop worrying. His own father has never been there for him and he says that he will never abandon this child like his Dad did. He is excited and pleased about the baby. He works full time and his girlfriend is unable to work (they tell me) due to her mental health issues. She doesnt have her child all the time split custody arrangement.

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caninamechange · 21/02/2014 00:09

'He is excited and pleased about the baby'

Well ok then - that's what you need to be concentrating on. Your son is having a child he very much wants and can support both physically and emotionally. It's not for you to say how wise or otherwise his relationship is. You child is having a child. Get on board with that or you will drive a wedge between you that may never heal.
I suggest buying something for the baby - and chuck in something for the parents too. This is the time to build bridges not cause rifts. You don't have to like it but you do have to work at welcoming this news.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/02/2014 00:21

Yes i agree witj can

Its not ideal situation but support from you gives him a better chance of being a good father than withouy the support. I think just try and get past the disappointment/worry and get excited.

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 21/02/2014 00:24

Thank you caninamechange I will try as cant really do anything else. As you say it will cause too much damage not too. Your suggestion of a gift for all is a good one.

He doesn't earn enough to provide for them and they are always phoning up me, my Mum or her parents asking for money so my worries for them are based on all this too. Its hard as you raise them and get through all the trials of parenting and I naively wasn't expecting this! Was just the other day thinking well I've done ok with the big ones (aged 21 dd and this one ds).

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YoureBeingASillyBilly · 21/02/2014 00:28

Are they claiming everything they are entitled to? Are the bad at money management? Debts? Expensive rent? Why do they not manage on what they earn?

caninamechange · 21/02/2014 00:34

God willing we get to parent these kids for the rest of our lives. There is no finish line. I can see the money management is a worry but they will have some additional entitlements and being responsible for a child's shoes and toothpaste can be the thing that really matures some people. I'm glad you like my suggestion. In a somewhat similar situation I remember a family member turning up with folic acid and a baby book. A gesture of acceptance and love that was utterly precious.

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 21/02/2014 00:36

A mixture of things. They are not entitled to anything for the existing child as the childs father gets all that as he has more custody. They have high rent and are hoping to get some housing benefit towards that. They have just moved into a house together but girlfriend was living in a one room bedsit before. It appears they waste money/bad money management. My Mum used to run CAB office so she has tried to do a budget with them in new place. They have just moved in and have no furniture at all. My Mum has lent them her garden furniture to sit on. Hoping to buy them some second hand bits next month but have three other kids and not rich ourselves. Its all a bit crap really and trying to be optimistic....

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Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 21/02/2014 00:39

Ahh made me smile caninamechange! I need to do something like that as don't want him or her to feel wretched and the best thing is they are so young and optimistic which I don't want to crush.

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tallwivglasses · 21/02/2014 00:50

I was worried when DD announced she was pregnant at 19. Admittedly she was in a more stable relationship with her partner (and it was planned). But - my DGS is a delight - and I'm so happy that I'll spend more years on this planet with my beautiful grandchild than I would have done if DD had been 'sensible' and waited you'll need to sort boundaries early though

It's happening, accept it, embrace it, enjoy it.

Original poster

liquoriceallsorts · 21/02/2014 00:55

Not used to mumsnet yet! Wish there was a like button thank you tallwivglasses. On my dh apple and cant find the bold button ctrl and b doesn't work on here! Off to bed so I can cope with half term with a 4 and 9 year old tomorrow.

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