Help with bonding with my 5 weeks old baby??

[Rosebug258]

How can I bond with my new baby? We have had a rough start, I was hospitalised when he was 7 days old with a nasty womb infection and even nastier bout of blood posioning and was away from him for 7 days and nights (I was that poorly I couldn't do anything so it was decided he would stay at home with my hubby)

Since being home I've really struggled to bond with him, was still quite ill when I left hospital so once again hubby stepped up and my parents and family helped out! I'm sure it's me as he's a really good little boy, he was on a 4 hourly routine for feeds etc and now nearly sleeps from 10-5 most nights, but I look at him and don't feel the like I have any bond with him not like I did with my 2 year old at this point

What am I doing wrong?? Am I a hideous parent? It's getting me down :(

You're not doing anything wrong and you're most definitely not hideous, you've just had a really rough time of it.
Spend time with him skin to skin, take baths together and snuggle your face into his delicious newborn squishy neck. Rest him on your chest and just sniff him, newborns smell blissful.

Make sure you're getting enough rest, food and drink yourself. Help is great, maybe ask people to help with the more mundane stuff so you can focus on him.

Your not doing a thing wrong, give it time it will come. You have had a hard time.

For the first few months I had dd, I knew I loved her but felt I was just going through the motions, like I was I was acting IYKWIM .

Lots of time cuddling, playing and looking at your baby.

You may have a bit PND. Xx

Congratulations on your new baby boy. I am sorry to hear you have been so unwell no wonder you feel you haven't bonded. I felt like this a long long time ago with my first child. She was much awaited and much wanted but after a rough and long labour I couldn't even look at her. I now know that even if things go really well bonding can sometimes happen much later and is not that unusual.

If you feel fit enough and have help with your other child why not go back to the beginning. Have long snuggles in bed, make time for skin to skin time. Might be worth trying to keep baby in a sling most of the time so that you are always close. This can be recommended to adoptive parents even if the child is a bit older and is very effective.

If you can't manage any of these just cuddle as much as possible even if you don't much feel like it or baby is sleeping. Have you ever tried baby massage? It is wonderful for establishing loving touch with your baby. I am a certified infant massage instructor, you can find a local instructor on www.iaim.org.uk if this would interest you

You will probably never get that "rush of love" but one day, quite soon you will realise that you would give your all for him.

Above all be kind to yourself it will work out

It sounds add though you've had a really rough time and if you are caring for a two year old as well I can imagine how hard it is to have time to adjust and get to know your new baby. Physical skin to skin contact is probably the best way to start so things like baths together, topless cuddles and baby massage. Carrying the baby in a sling and spending time timevholding him will probably help. Also, that initial rush of love and obsession with a new baby is nice, but I think that all it is is nature's way of helping mothers cope with the shock of a new baby. The real love comes later on for lots of people, and that's fine for the baby, just harder for you. I used to think of DD as a family pet and stroke her a lot and carry her around while I got on with stuff and that was fine.

I met a lady at my baby massage class who like you had had a really rough start to her babies life, also a second child. She had developed an awful virus and slipped into a coma at about 36wks. They delivered by c- section. She came out of the coma when the baby was two weeks old.

When we met it was six months on and she dearly loved her little one. She talked of how she found it really hard to accept that he was hers. That everyone in her close family had got to have first snuggles and bond with her baby before her. Of course she was glad that her little one had had so much love and cuddles but was sad that it should have been her passing the baby around and showing him off. One minute she was pregnant full of plans, the next very week in a bed with a not quite newborn anymore.

I think its important to sort of go through a mourning process that you didn't get the birth and start that you wanted.

With my first I was really disappointed I didn't get a lightning bolt of love, with my second and third I knew that it would happen over time.

I'm sure it will for you too. As the others have said lots of skin to skin, proper little snuggles with the wonderful newborn smell.

What about doing a photo project things like your hands all together, you could include your DH and 2 yr old.

I have a footprint of DD's from when she was tiny, its so cute makes me feel all mushy.

Is your midwife supportive and able to offer more advise?

OP - you have been through the mill! I second the advice for skin to skin if you can manage it. Ortherwuse - try singing to him. Doesn't matter whether you like your voice: just choose some songs or lullabies that mean a lot to you and sing them to him so he can hear your voice

Please rest assured there is nothing wrong with feeling like this. I did. Around the same stage you're at now, I remember crying my eyes out to my dh one day, telling him I didn't think I loved our little boy. And we had fought very hard for our much wanted little bundle. Anyway, long story short, as time went on, that love did grow, so much so that he is now my entire world and more (he's 27 weeks old now). Just take each day as it comes and trust that you will start to bond with him in time.