Dear children...

[Ohwhatfuckeryisthis]

Following on from dear husband, what confession do you have to make to your dc? (Not too serious by the way) I'll start.
Dear sons. When we moved and you couldn't find your box of "precious things" total junk ? We didn't pack it. Sorry.

Dear YDD,

The doctors set you got for christmas did not 'run out of bandages'. I stole them because I was sick of you asking to wrap me up.

Dear DS,

You eat a fuckload more vegetables than you think you do, which is a good job because scurvy is bad for you and I want you to be healthy and tall, with teeth, because I love you and think you're wonderful, and because you'll do better in life with teeth and skin. I tell you what, though, I'd get sick of broccoli and sweetcorn, too, if I thought those were the only veg I was eating.

Oh, and garlic bread has garlic in it, FYI, hence the name.

Dear DD,

I will miss your babyhood terribly and I'm sorry I keep forgetting that you're a toddler, not a baby any more. But you are so sweet and funny and small and the time is passing so quickly, even though I am so proud of all the amazing things you can do now, like climbing, and talking, and running, and drawing, and climbing, and singing, and climbing.

Please stop climbing up the sofa/wall/curtains/fire guard/bookcase/windowcleaner/cathedral/supermarket chiller cabinet/shark tank all the fricking time , though, eh? For five minutes? For mummy's sake? Good lass.

Dear DS, I play minecraft on the xbox when you're in bed so I can play my way.

Dear DS,

no, Daddy didn't used to be a pirate, and lost his ship when it sank in the Caribbean with all his treasure aboard.

I'm sorry you believed me (after I'd been reading Red Rackham's Treasure) and told your new friends when you started school .

You are getting your own back with all the thrilling tales about transformers and superman now though

Dear DD,

we were never barred from the disney shop, I just didn't want to risk another epic tantrum.

Mum x

Dear children, I eat lots of chocolate behind your back. I buy it and eat it whenever I want. Like, not just after a meal.

Dear DS. The cakes and biscuits you lovingly bake at nursery do not tast 'yummy and delicious' and I do not save them to eat after dinner. They taste like warm tarmac, moulded by the grubby hands of half a dozen small children and not even the cat will eat them, and he licks his own bum.

Love mummy.

Oh, and your birthday is not actually boxing day. It's Christmas day. But while you are young enough to not know, we'll do it this way.

Dear DD2

I know you think you can't go ice skating for 6 weeks if you have your ears pierced. I don't know where you got that idea but I'm going along with it because I don't want holes in your precious ears.

And those coin operated rides outside shops were never broken or unplugged. I just didn't want to make the same mistake I did with DD1 and spend a bloody fortune.

Dear DD1

My lovely teen, you know we have no secrets

Love Mum x

Dear DD
I am so proud of you for making it to university. It was hard bringing you and your brother up on my own and you are the proof that I must have been doing something right.

But I am terrified that you aren't coming back to live with me when you are finished there.

I miss you so much that it hurts. You complete my life and I have been so depressed without you.

I feel so guilty for the times I lost my temper and smacked you when you were younger. I hope with all my heart that it hasn't affected you in the long term.

Dear DD,

I wouldn't tell you this in the interests of fairness, but after our day with the little boy from down the road last week, I have to tell you, you're an even more brilliant kid than I thought.

I'm so proud that you know how to say please and thank you, you at least have a stab at eating properly not off the floor, you don't undo your seatbelt randomly in a moving car, you try to be nice to guests even when they're being little blighters to you, you accept that you don't get sweets all the time without having a tantrum (even if you might whinge a bit) and that you say 'thank you for having me' when you've been to someone's house.

Above all I loved the little hug you gave me when the 'spirited' little child had finally left, and your 'just us now. Would it be a good idea to have some cake? I hid some for us!'. I probably should have said something worthy about sharing with guests, but you hit the nail on the head that time.

I'm sorry if I take your manners for granted sometimes.
Love Mum xx

Dear DD,

It's lovely that you like to share. But I'd rather not have the half chewed sandwich you've just taken out of your mouth. Thanks though

Dear 3 year old daughter, not everything I've told you is true...

• You're not a magic pixie who can make flowers grow by talking to them.
• It's windmill, not "windy-meal".
• It should be convertible or soft-top not "funny little car".
• The toys on top of the kitchen cupboard aren't broken.
• I do know where your favourite owl leggings went. They will never be coming back.
• Undoing your seatbelt does not automatically make the car stop working, it just triggers a warning light on the dashboard.
• Those big steaks in Morrisons aren't actually elephant.
• Nutella does not give little girls "poorly spots".
• "Bokka" is not a real swearword.
• Mr Tumble has not been taken off the internet for weeing on the sofa.
• Birthmarks are not proof of princesshood.

And the big one...

Mummy is not an orphan. Every single adult you trust is lying to you too, they all know. When you are fully grown I will explain why.

Dear my precious DS,

I am so sorry I had to place you in foster care twice. Mummy was very poorly with PND and I had a breakdown. I wirked so hard to get you back both times.

I am very proud of your confidence abd enthusiasm for life. You are so funny and bright as a button.

I promise you I work my hardest each and every day to ensure I don't get poorly again. I'm sorry I let your Dad back in to your life and it went wrong for you. It was partly due to my breakdown, which happened at the same time, but mostly due to the fact he's an arsehole.

I'm sorry im grumpy sometimes and I'm not the tidiest of people, but I hope when you're older, you'll remember all the fun, random times we've had.

I love you SO SO SO much xxxxxxxxxxx

Lots of to you feather. I'm sure your lovely ds will know his mum loves him and tries so hard. Hope you are getting lots of support.

Oh, ds, Beanos don't "biodegrade". I threw them out once they fell to bits.

Mummy does sometimes fart - it's not Daddy doing it so loud and smelly that we can hear and smell it from another room.
It's just possible that Mummy isn't " the most beautiful mummy ever"

Dear dd-
You are the wittiest person I know and 90% of the time when I ask you ever so nicely to shut up its because I can't think of a come back or anything mummified and sensible to say... I should be able to outsmart you.

P.s one day your going to hit 13 and I just know you are going to be hell to control - I fear for everyone who crosses you.

Dear ds
I'm sorry I don't spend much time with you, it's hard enough that I have to work but I had to leave you far to soon , I'm working on our bond but part of me just doesn't want you to become attached to me because then those 14 hour days will become even harder.

To both of you,
Every hour I work my bot off I do it for you and us as a family so that one day we can have nice holidays and nice things - hopefully sometime soon

Lots of love forever and always your mother :)

Dear Dear Children,

I'm afraid I very much share your opinion of your mother, despite all the times I've told you, over the years, that she' the grown up in charge where you live and you should do as you're told. Your now-ex stepfather and I met up and compared notes last year, she clearly ain't going to change.

Still, we've stayed in touch despite her best efforts and things are looking a lot better now you're old enough to tell her where to stick it. I'm very much looking forward to helping you through the important stuff of getting qualifications and careers and lives with people who aren't your mother or even slightly like her.

I do, however, very much mean it about what'll happen if you make me a grandfather so much as a nanosecond before my 50th birthday (seriously. With a chainsaw. A RUSTY CHAINSAW). Your uncles and aunts are supplying me with nephews and nieces on whom to practise for the role. You never knew your irish great-granddad all that well, but he taught me well what a granddad should be and I want to do it as right as he did. So I want time for that practise. (Honest, it's nothing to do with feeling old. THAT started when you hit secondary school...)

all the best,

Dad.

Aww, KissesBreakingWave, that's lovely to hear from a dad aswell.

Credit to you for hanging in there and im glad your kids have you as a positive role model

Cheers

Dear DTS1- you think the teachers at school can't tell you apart from your brother. You're wrong.

And DD- remember the extra special, tasty pink magic potatoes I mashed up for your tea, when you claimed that mash potato was yucky? Food colouring. Fairies don't really eat pink mash.

Ds2 I haven't given up treats for Lent like you keep reminding me. I've been eating your lollies from the freezer. I'll buy you more at Easter.

I also ate a chocolate bar when you went to bed the other night.

Ds1 (4)

No, we're not saving up for that Ninjago Lego set for 8-14 year olds... and it's unlikely you'll actually remember get it on your 8th birthday.

We haven't decided to put you in the school with the red uniform when all your friends are going to the one with the purple because it's an extra special school for boys who want to grow up to be Red Fire Ninjas. It's the school you'll get because it's closest to our house and the other one is oversubscribed.

Ds 2 (20 months):

I lost your Papa Smurf and had to buy you a new one. I suspect deep down know this though. I've seen the suspicious look you give your changeling gnome.

Oh and bad news ds2, you love the way everyone coos and laughs and claps now because you lift your top up and say 'baby' while pointing to your belly, but you're going to get a huge shock in a few weeks when you realise that mummy has actually been growing a real live actual ones in hers and when he comes out, he's going to be loud, noisy, inconvenient in ways you never dreamed possible AND here to stay..
.

Oh DS - mummy isn't part dragon, it's psoriasis. Which is considerably less cool. So I can't actually breathe fire at monsters, but as they don't exist this is not really a massive problem.

Dear DD,

My our grandmother doesn't really have magic pennies that make the noisy moving rides at the supermarket work; just I got fed up saying no and granny lets you do whatever you ask her (and I love her all the more for it).

The cat doesn't live on a farm in Scotland. I really, really wish she did, but she doesn't. I took her to the vet 2 1/2 years ago.