Kids from Married Parents do significantly better than those from Cohabitating parents

[drosophila]

According to Gloria Hunniford this morning on 'Heaven and Earth'. They were having a debate about marriage Vs commitment without marriage and Gloria announces that according to research (she didn't provide a source) kids do much better (not sure what she meant perhaps academically) if their parents are married than if they simply live together.

DP and I have been together for 18years and we have two kids. Are our kids worse off than say a couple who have been married for say 5 years. I'm not against marriage particularly just wonder where we would get the time to do it.

Anyone care to share their thoughts?

If I did not have children, I would feel freer to go with any idealogical beliefs I might have about marriage. But knowing what I do about the precarious legal position of unmarried SAHMs and children to the common property/man's income, I could not put my children at risk. And I do not want to be in a long term relationship with a man who did not recognise that his partner and children need protection in a situation whereby the primary burden of raising a child falls
on the partner (with detriment to the partners' earning power). But that is just me.

Sure I could probably achieve the same result with well-written wills, detailed agreements about who owns what proportion of the property, but why bother when the machinery is all there, at the stroke of a pen?

At the end of the day, I would be so upset if dh did not want to marry me that I would probably have walked out at some point pre-children (as I did with a few of my ex-bfs). But then that is maybe because I am old-fashioned at heart.

OK, thread too long to read entirely....to say that kids are better off if with married parents is absolute BOLLOCKS. What counts is being with parents who are together because they want to be together.
It's an individual choice, and is a decision made because of a shitload of different reasons. Personally, divorce runs in the family...my grandmother was divorced, ( pretty unusual in the 1940s), something she was deeply ashamed about...My parents divoced after 17 years of marriage ( Mum wasn't happy after a year, but bless her cotton socks went for the old chestnut that having kids would bring them closer..obviously never works but quite grateful they went for it or I wouldn't exist)...
The prospect of marriage is something I'm just not into, for some people it's what they want, fair enough...but it's got sweet fuck all to do with how happy your kids are. Being married or not married and miserable together is bad for your kids. Gloria Hunniford is talking out of her arse, she should just stick to saying she is pro marriage without making shit up.

sorry but what utter shite is being spouted now

dp and i would love to get married, we consider ourselves husband and wife anyway and would like the legal protection it would provide for our kids if something were to happen to me (at present dp has no legal right to his kids if i die, they'd automatically go to my family).

however we simply cannot afford to get married, we can barely pay our bills, never mind finance a wedding and it'll be a long time before we can realistically do so.

drosophila...i think the research you mean refers to the fact that the average cohabitation is supposed to last just 3 years and children do better when their parents stay married (together) because financially they are much better off and they tend to live with both parents, and are emotionally happier. can't remember source of research but will post it if i can.

this is one piece of research from the Center for Law and Social Policy in Washington, but it has been replicated in various forms by pro-family bodies in the UK

Abstract: This annotated brief summarizes research on the effects of family structure on child wellbeing, identifying issues that remain to be explored. On average, children who grow up in families with both their biological parents in a low-conflict marriage are better off in several ways than children who grow up in single-, step-, or cohabiting-parent households. Compared to children raised by their married parents, children in other types of families are more likely to achieve lower educational levels, become teen parents, and experience health, behavior, and mental health problems. Also, children in single- and cohabiting-parent families are more likely to be poor. Nonetheless, most children not living with married, biological parents grow up without serious problems. In individual situations, marriage may or may not make children better off, depending on whether the marriage is "healthy" and stable. Marriage may be a proxy for other parental characteristics associated with relationship stability and positive child outcomes. The legal basis and public support involved in the institution of marriage helps create the best conditions for developing factors that children need most to thrive: consistent, stable, loving attention from two parents who cooperate and who have sufficient resources and support from two extended families, two sets of friends, and society. (Contains 52 endnotes.)

so in other words wheelsonthebus
as long as a partnership is healthy and stable a child will flourish
no the fact that they are married
or living with step parents etc blah blah blah

maybe poeple dont get amnrried becasue one partner doent loevt he other one enogh

I married dh exactly 4 years ago (just celebrated anniversary). We have been together for almost 12 years. I believe in living with someone before you marry. My nan said to me once 'It was nice of your Mum to let you live with dh before you got married' lol.

I don't think you need to be married to be a good parent. It is nothing to do with it. I married dh because I love him and wouldn't be without him and we wanted to marry! It's as simple as that.
We married in a registery office costing just £60 odd for both of us, with a few close friends and family as guests. We then went to a local pub where we had hired a marquee and had a bbq! Very informal and it was the hottest day of the year too. My dress was second hand and my friend did my hair and make up. I didn't want to spend loads of money.
Our wedding was even more important to us than it had been at the start of planning as dh lost his Mum to a sudden heart attack just a few months before the wedding.

I agree with mumfor in that a wedding is not necessarily expensive ours cost about £200 if you include the meal for us and parents, my dress (which is just a summer dress that can be worn anytime) and new togs for dh.

I am ambivalent about marriage though as my parents only married, when i was three and my sis on the way, because dad was divorced with 3 kids and needed to give mum legal status. They were not happy but that isn't because they were married and as he died when 54 without a will, it is a bloody good job they were married as it could have made a horrible time for my mum even worse if there financial issues to sort out with his 1st wife - even though they are on good terms (both having failed marriages with the same man!!!).

The commitment to my dh was made when i bought a house with him and got 2 cats it was cemented forever when our son was born. It makes me very angry that 'people' believe marriage is the biggest commitment you can make as to me having children together should be. This is why our wedding was merely a legal process without any pomp or ceremony (except the bare min required by law).

The care and love my children receive is in no way improved by my marriage and i suspect those who go in for huge expensive weddings are left with a equally huge sense of anti-climax when life returns to normal after the honeymoon!

i should also say our 1st hol post wedding ( a few weeks after and not officially a honeymoon) was a week with my in-laws which did mean i felt no anti-climax on return - i have to admit to feeling very happy to return home no offense meant to said in-laws but we have diff ideas about holidays... :0

i cant see a blind bit of difference if the relationship is good the kids will be brought up in a loving environment.

however me and dp are getting married this month and it hasnt cost a bomb (£1200 that we saved up) and we'r doing it coz we wanna, i will be 7 month pg with our second child so i dont htink anyone could say we did it coz we were having a baby! lol

a load of old tosh if you ask me!

for me Marriage was a very important step (same for my DH aswell) but for different reasons, my reasons are that my 'rents have been married now for 33 years and are still going strong. Me and my sister both 'believe' in the whole marriage thing and know it can work if the right amount of give & take is applied,
My DH's reasons are more religious, he is Indian (Hindu) and as such mariage is a 'right of passage' and part of the dharma that defines his religion, and afterwards to have kids.

Im so glad we got married, so is he (and especially now as i have a baby on the way.)

I married my husband after 2 years' dating; we'd never lived together beforehand but have always had an amazing relationship. We've been together for 7 glorious years, have always worked really hard at our relationship and continue to do so as we prepare to become parents for the first time.

I think what children need is stability and parents who are committed to each other and to the family, no matter what. For us, marriage was a seal on a strong commitment which already existed. Not living together hasn't had a negative impact on our relationship, and I feel really secure and happy to bring a child into the world with the relational stability that we have.

In reply to the person asking to see some research, I remember a report on this issue from a couple of years ago by a guy named Harry Benson from Bristol...anyone else know about it?

CHEAP AND FUN WEDDING
I am American (but lived in Bristol for many years) and my husband is British. When we began discussing marriage, our families began planning bigger and bigger weddings! We are both artists (ie. not rolling in money), I've been divorced, and our families are on opposite sides of the Atlantic. Our solution: we eloped in Estes Park, Colorado. In Colorado you can "marry yourselves", which means that you go to the county clerk's office, fill out an application, raise your right hands and swear that you are not already married, and that you are not related to each other, sign your application, and you are married! Cost is $10 U.S.
An American marriage license is perfectly valid, but if used for immigration purposes I would recommend having witnesses. (We used the next couple waiting in line for a marriage license.)

PS
Husband and I have been married for three happy years now and have a month-old daughter.
Funny thing is that we were married on the odd date of the 29th of August, which I thought I'd never remember. We live in Gulfport, Mississippi, and some of you might remember what happened last year on August 29th!
Our baby is one of a baby boom called "Katrina Babies". People here joke that this occured because the cable television was out for so long.

Does anyone in a committed non- married relationship feel that others in their family or friends view their relationship with less respect than if you were married.

For example do you think it is possible for a grandparent to think that her grandchildren are less their grandchildren cos her son is not married IYKWIM. A thought occurred to me last night about DP's Mum.

Madame Platypus, I think I said a bit further down, that for me the difference between a cohabitee agreement and the most basic reg. office do is that if we could simply sign an agreement, it could be done with no fuss, and would remain our business. Once it's called a marriage you would have relatives going on about not being invited to 'the wedding.' If we got married (which despite principles we probably will do at some point) it would be purely for legal reasons and would be a total non-event. But the problem is that relatives wouldn't see it that way. I don't think many people see marriage as purely a legal contract.

I don't think our family thinks any less of our relationship for not being married, but I think certain members can't get their head around the fact that this is it, and despite explaining our reasons, I think they are still waiting for an announcement, waiting for us to come to our senses!

I can see what you mean about relatives expectations Tatties. Maybe the answer is to secretly get married but pretend to everybody else that you are still cohabiting.

Yes, the thought had crossed my mind...

End of the day people, its about choice, personally we can't be arsed - if it ain't broke and all that.... Our kids are not going to suffer because we are not married, or earn stacks of cash. Our commitment is to our children as well as each other. They are not going to suffer educationally or otherwise (and I don't give a toss about 'research') because we spend time with them. The kids that suffer are the ones who's parents don't have the time or the inclination to sit and read a book, to busy keeping up with the jones'. They have friends who's parents are married and some who aren't, its just not something they ever question. Yaaawn.......

DH & I got married when our DD was 3 months old - just 2 friends for witnesses in the local register office - we only did it for the piece of paper & the legal side, now we have our DD. It's not changed our relationship at all (so far )

We'd been together almost 10yrs before that & would have probably never married if we'd not had DD.

Getting married does not have to be expensive - ours was £250 (and that included treating our friends to lunch ) or "religious"

Can't see the point of "civil partnerships" for straight people - why not just get married?

At the end of the day ideally children need 2 good parents in a happy stable relationship (whether married or not) - but the ideal isn't always possible & some do just fine against ALL the odds & some still turn out bad with what looks like the best start in life.

I think the only way that kids benefit from marriage (as opposed to a long term stable partnership) is the protection from the legal side (morbid example, but - if one partner dies and the survivor partner has to sell the house to pay the inheritance tax - so the children lose their home as well as Mum/Dad)

forgot to add, we didn't tell anyone else until after the wedding - and without exception everyone was very supportive of the fact that it was OUR choice to have a quiet, private do.

(We did throw a party later for close family & friends to celebrate, but that's another story..... )

I don't want to feel boxed in!