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Original poster

Kids from Married Parents do significantly better than those from Cohabitating parents

216 replies

drosophila · 06/08/2006 20:39

According to Gloria Hunniford this morning on 'Heaven and Earth'. They were having a debate about marriage Vs commitment without marriage and Gloria announces that according to research (she didn't provide a source) kids do much better (not sure what she meant perhaps academically) if their parents are married than if they simply live together.

DP and I have been together for 18years and we have two kids. Are our kids worse off than say a couple who have been married for say 5 years. I'm not against marriage particularly just wonder where we would get the time to do it.

Anyone care to share their thoughts?

OP posts:
nzshar · 06/08/2006 22:41

Ok have to put my bit in here I totally agree with Tatties what the hell does a piece of paper have to do with commitment!? I feel that I am totally commited to DP, our DS and my DSS. But i would rather not go through another marriage just for legal reasons (1st marraige rushed for visa reasons, though had been together for 8 years already) I too feel that the same legal rights should be given to co habiting parents without having to get married. Eg even though ds was born here, DP is on birth cert and i have been here 12 years with residency i still have to go through extra paperwork etc to get ds' passport because we are not married, sillyness i tell ya!

serenity · 06/08/2006 22:44

We got married after we'd been together 10 years, because I was pg with DS1 (Dh - Mr Antimarriage - had a change of heart) it was primarily because of the legal stuff. It didn't really make any difference to our lives, probably because we had a very simple registry office affair. I don't feel married tbh, it just feels like us. I can't see how it would be any different for the DCs if we hadn't got married. I have to say I think fennel's idea feels right.

jasper · 06/08/2006 22:53

Thanks Expat. Nice to know I have company.
Thanks for the snort Batters - my very first

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notasheep · 06/08/2006 22:58

agree with you Jasper too.i like the option i have that i could leave tomorrow

LaDiDaDi · 06/08/2006 23:08

I know exactly how you feel Jasper and for a while the fear of a second divorce was a complete mental block to the idea of ever marrying dp. That's changed recently, since pregnancy and the arrival of dd. It just seems that I can't contemplate not being with dp, so the probability of divorce feels infintesimibly small and thus marriage seems much more appealing. I think that being married would only make a positive difference to us, or possibly no difference at all, I don't think that for us it would bre a negative thing at all.

Cam · 06/08/2006 23:10

Only problem is notasheep, you could leave "with nothing"

Never thought I would ever quote Dale Winton

notasheep · 06/08/2006 23:14

cam- my money is in the bank so if i need to leave with dd and ds i can.Dont need dp to support me

edam · 06/08/2006 23:16

Common-law marriage used to exist, before the Victorians got all po-faced about it. Maybe we could go back to those days - when you could either have a formal 'wedding' or just start living together but have some assumed legal responsibility towards each other and any children?

Posting as a married person so no particular beef on this, just seems there are an awful lot of people out there who don't want to get married but do need some recognition of their relationship.

jasper · 07/08/2006 00:02

notasheep that's just like me.
I like to know the back door is always open.

I can support me and out 3 kids if push came to shove.

Ladidadi I envy you a little bit. I would love to be that sure.
I am just not 100% sure things will work out forever with us ( I hope it will)

As opposed to when I did get married I was COMPLETELY sure we would never split, and we did.

Tortington · 07/08/2006 00:49

people with big weddings that i know of - have since all - that ALL got divorced.

cheapo affair - says " i love you - not the palava" IMHO

yes i know you all had big fancy weddings and fuck like bunnies. - so thats IME ok

Quootiepie · 07/08/2006 00:55

dont jump me but without meaning to be insulting its probably lower classes that stay unmarried, and middle and uppedr classes who marry... and the middle and upper classes can afford to send kids to private school, uni etc., set them up with deposit for house... and maybe lower classes who cant always. Its not to do with the actual marriage I think. Unless the study is done with lower, middle and upper class unmarried people and married. Just a thought.

Tortington · 07/08/2006 01:04

not lower ...working

are there any state to relate marriage to income anyone?

i dont believe one equates with the other tbh

Tortington · 07/08/2006 01:05

stats*

Quootiepie · 07/08/2006 01:06

sorry... im not very good with being politically correct. or literate Just seems a possibility.

Quootiepie · 07/08/2006 01:08

i class lower classes and working as abit different anyway. Lower I see as the "Jeremy Kyle" type, working... well... working. Im going to dig myself in here... maybe while I should quit qhile im ahead.

Tortington · 07/08/2006 01:13

lmao.

pussyinboots · 07/08/2006 01:23

Nothing to do with class just whether your parents love each other enough to stay together for longer than 5 minutes.

If you can make a baby you can get married imo you can't really fuckin divorce your children can you?? don't understand why people don't get married imo someone just doesn't want to!!!

Tortington · 07/08/2006 02:30

not sure why people have to get married other than to secure legal rights for spouse.

other than the mundane legalities - there really is no point

1Baby1Bump · 07/08/2006 09:15

i dont agree there is no point in marriage.
i love to refer to dh as my husband.
im obviously a bit wierd!

fennel · 07/08/2006 09:18

Cohabiting parents are statistically more likely to be young, poor and unstable in various ways. but that's not really relevant to those in long term relationships who've chosen not to get married for political or ideological reasons.

I don't want to get married, nor does DP. there are things about marriage - connotations of it and the legal issues - which don't appeal to us at all. for us it is related to patriarchal systems of owning women as property (I know this is a historical thing rather than current but you still see traces of it in the legal system, where wives are still treated as "dependents"), and also it has religious connotations we would like to distance ourselves from.

other countries have systems of acknowledging long term stable cohabiting relationships. in some countries (Australia, NZ) people who've lived together for 3 years (or so, it varies in different countries) get some rights. In other countries (eg France) cohabiting couples can register to get some rights. the UK couples don't have any mainly because of the hold the Bishops have in the house of lords, and because of the influence of the church on politics. To give any rights to cohabiting couples is seen to "undermine the sanctity of marriage".

as i said earlier I'm working on a research project about this at the moment, with lawyers, so it's not just a rant here.

the law commission are currently considering changing the law for cohabiting couples in some ways. (which is why they are funding my project now). but I don't think much will be changed and it does seem to be mostly because of the Bishops and the idea of Upholding Christian Morality.

jasper · 07/08/2006 09:44

custardo I had the world's cheapest wedding.
Registry office in lunch hour with NO GUESTS. noone knew about it.
Swigged champagne all day. Had a kebab on the way home from the pub.
It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Pity about the divorce 7 years later

wilbur · 07/08/2006 09:52

I always think that couples (esp the bride) should be given a test before they get married. They should be told, two weeks before the wedding that they can still get married, but the dress, the car, the canapes, the photographer et al have all disappeared and cannot be replaced, plus it will piss with rain all day. Only the couples that still want to go ahead in damp jeans are allowed to have their big day.

Having said that dh and I had a big f-off wedding and it was a bloody marvellous, hilarious, ego-boosting start to married life. Not neccessary in any way (esp not now I know what married life actually entails ) but wonderful all the same.

notasheep · 07/08/2006 09:57

jasper-just like me too when i got married i was completely sure that we would never split,but we did too!
Registry office do too-6 of us there including dh and I.....we did the drink champagne for entire day and the bride wore white Levis.....my wedding prob cost about the same as yours

batters · 07/08/2006 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HuwEdwards · 07/08/2006 10:09

21 years here and no intentions of marriage.

Did go to one at Botanical Gardens - big big posh do...lasted 7 months.