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Original poster

Kids from Married Parents do significantly better than those from Cohabitating parents

216 replies

drosophila · 06/08/2006 20:39

According to Gloria Hunniford this morning on 'Heaven and Earth'. They were having a debate about marriage Vs commitment without marriage and Gloria announces that according to research (she didn't provide a source) kids do much better (not sure what she meant perhaps academically) if their parents are married than if they simply live together.

DP and I have been together for 18years and we have two kids. Are our kids worse off than say a couple who have been married for say 5 years. I'm not against marriage particularly just wonder where we would get the time to do it.

Anyone care to share their thoughts?

OP posts:
Tinker · 07/08/2006 17:39

cod's jealous of us free and easy unmarrieds

Tatties · 07/08/2006 18:47

If you get married at the registry office, do you have to say wedding vows, or can you just go and literally sign a piece of paper?

FrannyandZooey · 07/08/2006 19:35

I really don't want to get married. Being asked and saying no is usually a give away, I would think?

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CountessDracula · 07/08/2006 20:08

no you only have to say that you know of know legal reason why you shouldn't be married as far as I remember

FioFio · 07/08/2006 20:09

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Original poster
drosophila · 07/08/2006 20:15

OK other than the legal/practical reasons to get married why did you/intend to get married? Especially interested to hear ocd's answer....

OP posts:
Original poster
drosophila · 07/08/2006 20:22

thought this was interesting

OP posts:
Tatties · 07/08/2006 20:50

Very interesting article. Think what you are getting at is summed up in this paragraph?

?Almost without exception the couples we spoke to about civil partnerships said the most important factor wasn?t equality or legal rights, but being able to make a public statement of their commitment in front of their parents and close family. It was about having their relationship treated with the same respect as those of their heterosexual brothers and sisters?. I think this may be a large, if overlooked, motivation for heterosexual couples too".

I would imagine that at the time of proposing, the majority of couples decide to get married as an expression of their love and commitment to each other. Like the article suggests, it is romantic; you don't get down on one knee and propose to make sure you get half of everything in the event of a split now do you?

But we are all different, not everyone feels that they need this public ceremony in order to express their love and commitment. Doesn't mean their relationship is any less committed or less worthy - just that they have a different way of expressing it.

As I said before I am aware that you can get married without a big wedding, but could you really get married without it being a big deal to family & friends (who would want to be 'part of it') if no-one was invited? Now if all you had to do was sign a civil partnership register, without it being called a marriage, without all the expectations and connotations of marriage - reckon you could do that with no more fuss than paying your gas bill.

ocd · 07/08/2006 20:50

whY seriosuly
cos thats tradition in my culture

CountessDracula · 07/08/2006 21:16

we needed some new cutlery

1Baby1Bump · 07/08/2006 22:03

im married and think its fine so totally dont understand this thread.
no one tends to comment on anything i say anyway....

batters · 07/08/2006 22:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tatties · 07/08/2006 22:52

1Baby1Bump, yes of course it's fine to be married, if that's what is right for you I think the people who choose not to marry would just like their reasons to be considered valid - and not be discriminated against because marriage and its connotations are not right for them.

ninah · 07/08/2006 22:54

better at what?

Fondue parties?

emmaeris · 08/08/2006 00:35

i personally have nothing against those who dont want to get married, just as long as the kids grow up in a loving environment (que cheesy music)
I myself am not married yet, but ds came along a bit unexpected and we did not think it was a good time to marry straight away. Now after having twins we are a bit money stretched but still very much together and we want to get married still.. but we now want our children to be part of it and we will wait til they are a little older to hopefully appreciate it and enjoy the day with us.
Honeymoon will just be for two though....

MadamePlatypus · 08/08/2006 08:56

We got married when DS was about 18 months old. We had owned a house together for about 6 years and obviously had DS, so I don't feel any more committed now that we are married. I think I had put it off for so long because I am a bit wedding phobic. I think for some people the thought of the white dress and having their 'special day' out weighs the stresses of the guest list and all those family members being together in the same room, but not for me. Anyway, as others have said, the thing that swung it for me was that it seemed easier and cheaper to get married than to get a solicitor to draw up a similar kind of agreement. The fact that gay people were asking for similar rights because of things like not being the legal next of kin also made me think.

If you have a registry office wedding it is a very straight forward and as far as I can remember you don't need to make any vows to each other beyond agreeing to marry the other person. We did actually have a 'white wedding' in the end, but I can quite see why some people want to avoid all that palavar. However, its not necessary.

Eulalia · 08/08/2006 08:57

Got married not so much a public statement but a private one to dh of course but also to myself. It was a way of making a decision and a commitment to stay with one person. I am sure you can do that without marriage of course but it felt more 'real' to me somehow. I doubt if it makes any difference at all to young kids but maybe older ones may? feel more secure if their parents are married, but I could be talking bollocks as plenty of folk get divorced of course.

batters · 08/08/2006 09:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hettytucker · 08/08/2006 09:45

Hi I have just completed a year of marriage - having a son and giving up work left me feeling insecure I think and having long been an advocate of co-habitation I did some research into the actual legal status my children and i would have and decided on a purely practical basis that marriage was the right thing to do. i put aside my political and feminist misgivings about the whole thing as i am above all things a pragmatist i decided to go ahead. I proposed and my partner thought i was taking the piss it took him 6 months to accept i was being serious - we got married in a registry office on our babies first b'day and only told our parents... it was a lovely day and our son was the main focus which was great. the day after wedding i found out i was expecting dd now nearly 4 months... it has made no difference to our relationship but i do have a problem with changing my name I still think mrs tucker is his mum not me!

Caligula · 08/08/2006 10:01

I think buying a house with someone is much more of a legal commitment than getting married. You can't just decide that a mortgage is no longer working for you and walk out on it without consequences. A signature on a credit agreement appears to be far more binding than one on a wedding certificate.

FioFio · 08/08/2006 10:04

This reply has been deleted

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oliveoil · 08/08/2006 10:10

I didn't want to have children without being married and love it when dh says 'my wife'.

[old fashioned emoticon]

I ran off to Las Vegas and got married for about £12.87.

CountessDracula · 08/08/2006 10:10

niamh I will have you know my fondue are legendary througout sw london

Tatties · 08/08/2006 10:22

Batters I think that for many people marriage is the ultimate commitment, and so they often can't understand why others can feel secure in a relationship without it. It upsets me a bit when people assume that we aren't married because one of us is commitment-phobic or we 'aren't ready to take that step yet'.

And what Fennel said earlier about rights for co-habitees looking unlikely because of pressure not to 'undermine the sanctity of marriage' - well if dp and I got married, it would be to work the system, not because we wanted to make our relationship more 'worthy'. Surely the sanctity of marriage would be better preserved if the system allowed people who grudgingly get married only to protect their rights to do it another way?

When you say if you don't like it, get married, you are basically saying that for your relationship to be worth anything you need to be married. In this country personal ideological objections to marriage mean nothing and I think that's a shame.

MadamePlatypus · 08/08/2006 11:10

Out of interest, what would the differences be between a co-habitee agreement and the most basic registry office wedding?