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Parenting

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Original poster

Step parenting disappointment...

13 replies

candyce83 · 05/02/2014 11:38

Hello, Im relatively new here…Im in a lesbian relationship with another woman who is going through a divorce. Her ex husband moved out 6 months ago. They had two boys 4 and 7…I love them both so much.

The 4 year old has had an incredibly hard time with things and can be quite spiteful towards me…it comes in bouts. Sometimes he will absolutely love me, other times its like he hates me. Im trying not to take this so personal but obviously I really want him to like me! He's quite clingy with his mum and I don't know if he gets jealous or what may be going through his little head…how do I approach this situation? what is the best way to deal with him? He cries for his dad at bed sometimes and my gf feels so guilty and so do I…

My heads a bit of a mess about this, Please help!

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NatashaBee · 05/02/2014 11:49

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theborg · 05/02/2014 11:56

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theborg · 05/02/2014 11:58

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Original poster

candyce83 · 05/02/2014 12:03

Yeah he really is struggling bless him. I guess thats why I wrote this…to see if i can make things easier for him. Im fine, i just wish it was easier for him and thats why I feel so guilty.

My gf has him two days on her own but he's going through a very clingy phase with her. He won't even let me take him to nursery or put him to bed. I just wish I could take him out on my own for some bonding time but he won't let me.

Natasha, is there counseling for 4 year olds?

I think he loves me, he always asks where I am and I love it when he wants me to cuddle him which doesn't happen often but it does happen.

theborg, does it get better? Do you think this is something that will mess him up for the rest of his life?

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Original poster

candyce83 · 05/02/2014 12:06

theborg…he does get plenty of one on one time with mum, the other night we put them both to bed and the 7 year old was upset about something and crying and my gf hugged him and 4 year old tried to get him to cuddle her instead. I think he's just really clingy atm….Im just so new to all of this, its just tricky trying to separate this from the divorce and children just growing up.

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NatashaBee · 05/02/2014 13:51

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tomverlaine · 05/02/2014 13:58

I just think you are rushing things. At 6 months into a relationship (or 6 months of being open about it as I guess you could have been togetehr before his dad left) I don't think you are really his step mum- you are his mothers girlfriend - it feels to me that you are too keen to be in the parent role.
He is dealing with losing his dad- and now he has to share his mum as well.

theborg · 05/02/2014 13:58

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theborg · 05/02/2014 14:03

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theborg · 05/02/2014 14:29

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Fairy1303 · 05/02/2014 16:29

Hi, I took on my step daughter full time when she was 4 and a half.

She really hated me at first. Wouldn't listen to me, would refuse to let me help at bedtime, would be incredibly clingy with DH.

We had the added bonus of 'you're not my mummy'.

In the end, I tried to set aside time every day where she would pick an activity for just the two of us.

Sadly, 4 years later me and DH are splitting and we are very very close. I still se her regularly. By the end it was a mother daughter type relationship but it took a lot of time.

Don't expect too much too soon. It seems a very recent split.

caledonianclown · 05/02/2014 18:18

It seems to me that it's really early days and his pushing you away at times is more about wanting his mum than not wanting you if you see what I mean. I split up with my XH when DS was just 3 and we moved in with DP 9 months later. It was very soon and DS did push DP away a lot and just want me for cuddles, bed time etc. 3 years later and he adores DP, asks for him to do stories at bedtime instead of me and loves spending 'boy time' together. I think you just need to give him time, be there when he wants you but don't take it personally when he only wants mum.

waterrat · 05/02/2014 20:57

I think you expecting far too much if you want a young boy to be relaxed with you in the way you want - my toddler will often refuse to cuddle even his own dad or gran if I am there - And my son is a happy stable boy who has not had a major upheaval and trauma in his life

You need to really take a step back and stop expecting anything or 'needing' anything from him
Emotionally - you are the adult he is a small child - you are not his parent and he doesn't have to reassure you or make you feel okay. It is completely normal that he doesn't give you the affection he gives his mum - as an example I've seen my son writhe away from his dad - who he adores! If he is In a funny mood ...

Back off - building trust will take years not months.

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