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Parenting

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Original poster

New baby and DH in the bed

56 replies

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 17:54

DH moved downstairs onto the sofa bed when DS was born so he could sleep, 8 weeks later he's still there! He's tried coming back to bed twice now and says he can't sleep with us as DS is too noisy and he can't sleep.

What I'm asking really is is this normal? Do all dad's move out of the bedroom and I have to sleep alone until he's sleeping through? Also feel a bit sad that I've never had any support during all these night wakings and feeds, I'm ebf but still!

Am I being silly or not?

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MyNameIsKenAdams · 02/02/2014 17:57

YANBSilly at all.

Nice to know his sleep is so important to him and not you and that he is so supportive.

Does he take DC between feeds in evening/weekends so you can catch up on sleep / get some space?

JusticeOfThePeas · 02/02/2014 17:59

Ear. plugs.

saffstel · 02/02/2014 18:02

I didn't mind when DH moved to spare room for the first month. He needed to get up for work at 6am every day! Fair enough, we don't both need to be zombies.

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Original poster

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 18:06

Hmm not a great deal no, he will take him if I ask so I can go in the shower etc but then gives him back! He did in the early days take him and bring him back for feeds for a bit but not really anymore

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Original poster

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 18:06

Yes true saffstel that's why I haven't said anything!

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BeeInYourBonnet · 02/02/2014 18:08

My DH probably spent a total of 10 nights in the spare room when DCs were tiny, and that was only because he was so tired I was scared he would not be safe to drive to work.

I think your DH is BVU. I hope he pulls his weight in other ways, and I think he should help with night wakings on the weekend AT THE VERY LEAST!

Madratlady · 02/02/2014 18:11

Me and dh are currently in separate rooms but he does do nights with dh so I can sleep sometimes. We do miss sleeping together but ds wakes so often that this way at least we're not both knackered.

elvislives2012 · 02/02/2014 18:14

My DH did this. Seemed reasonable as I was bfing so nothing he could do and it seemed pointless him being tired too. He moved back in eventually and I wish he was back in there

waterrat · 02/02/2014 18:21

Well - if he is getting enough sleep that he feels fine in the day for work that also means he feels fine enough to pull his weight as well with the baby and make sure you are getting what rests you can in the evening and weekends.

I bf but my partner did a huge amount - most of the cooking and cleaning and woul also take ds whenever he wasn't feeding - carry him in the sling where he will sleep for hours so I got a break.

You may need to spell it out but breast feeding doesn't mean you have to do 100 percent childcare 24/7 all week long while he gets his normal life

IShallCallYouSquishy · 02/02/2014 18:22

I had some friends do this but DH and I stayed in same bed every night while DD was a baby. I was EBF so I would feed/do nappy if needed while DH slept. No different than if he had been in different room. Only difference is if she wouldn't settle again or wouldn't feed but crying, he would get up and take turns at cuddling/rocking/patting etc. would also give me chance to go and sit somewhere for 5 mins if I had got myself upset about her crying. If he had been in different room I wouldn't have had that invaluable support.

PenguinsDontEatKale · 02/02/2014 18:22

Not all partners do this, mine never has. But I think it is fine. The unfair bit is him 'checking out' of parenting each night and not evening up the balance some other way.

lola88 · 02/02/2014 18:50

What does he mean to noisy? If it's just when your feeding then he can put up with it but if he finds him noisy all night I wouldn't mind, DS was in his own room at 10 weeks because I couldn't sleep with him in the room.

DP never got up with Ds unless it was an extremely bad night but he would happily let me have an hour when he got home from work and helped lots at the weekend. Seems to me it's more the lack of support than where he is sleeping that's the issue.

Original poster

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 18:58

Not noisy as in sleeping but noisy when he's feeding and he can't sleep through it, I did think about ear

OP posts:

Junebugjr · 02/02/2014 18:59

My DH did this, I was bf, and baby was up at all hours. He needed to have sleep to deal with dd1 and go to work, so it worked for us.

Original poster

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 19:02

Sorry posted too soon, might mention ear plugs, yes I think your right it is more of the lack of support, he will do things but only if I ask, I think he thinks I have loads of time to do what I like as I'm on maternity leave. Also maybe because I just get on with it he thinks he doesn't need to do anything, maybe that's partly my fault I don't know, just making me a bit sad really

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Donner · 02/02/2014 19:03

My DH couldn't cope with DSs noises even with earplugs so DS and I moved into the nursery as he was too wee to be alone (prem only 4lbs when he got home).

I was on a blow up bed on the floor with him in a moses basket in the cotbed (far too wee for a cotbed). I had a hole in my stomach (wound infection after C section) and he was very unsettled (later found to be lactose intolerant). Nightmare!
I made the decision to move rooms as I felt bad as DH had to be up for work but looking back WTF was I thinking!!
Can't cope with baby noises, Och well, get the f**k over it! Or don't and be knackered at least you get to go to work and get some peace!!
When DH looks back he feels bad but allowed it at the time because ultimately most men are a bit selfish. Takes them a wee while to realise that their needs don't come first anymore.
Once my DH realised this and got over it he was a great hands on dad and was much better with DD although I think a third would send him over the edge!!

PenguinsDontEatKale · 02/02/2014 19:04

Donner.

Starballbunny · 02/02/2014 19:05

DH point blank refused to move, insisted he didn't sleep any better on his own.

Used to worry me a bit given how much driving he did, but it was nice to have his support.

Fairylea · 02/02/2014 19:08

We both slept in the same room as ds for the first 8 weeks. Then as ds started sleeping longer and we seemed to be waking him up when we came to bed etc (later than he was settled in the moses basket) we just decided to go against the guidelines and put him in his own room with a baby monitor. I did the same with dd (now aged 11 years - ds is now 19 months) and both slept through from about 12 weeks and it meant dh and I could sleep better too.

I wouldn't have been happy if dh suddenly decamped to the spare room when dc were born! We've never even considered it. Dh helped out with night feeds on paternity leave and if I was / am having a particularly bad night now (rare thankfully) he will help out even if he has work the next day. He doesn't drive or have to operate machinery however.

Fairylea · 02/02/2014 19:10

Donner that's awful. I don't think I could forgive a dh for being like that. But then that's possibly why I'm with my third dh now. I don't forgive easily and would rather not be with someone who puts their needs first.

Ragwort · 02/02/2014 19:12

I think there is a huge difference between sharing a bed and whether your DH is generally supportive, and from what you say it sounds as though he is not at all helpful.

Both DH and I are incredibly bad sleepers and even after 25 years of marriage we rarely share a bed .

When DS was a baby we both found it hard to sleep with him in the room and actually put DS in his own room at around 3 weeks - yes, I know this is against all the guidelines etc etc etc but we all slept much better for it. DS slept from 7am-7pm with one quick feed around 3am from 7 days old.

I think the main thing to focus on is not where he actually sleeps, but how much support and help he gives you.

Daykin · 02/02/2014 19:12

DP could sleep through an explosion so always stayed in our room but I hated sleeping with babies. If I hadn't had to feed them then I would have been on the sofa in a heartbeat.

Alanna1 · 02/02/2014 19:15

We did this - but we both got nights away too (so my DH would do more at the weekend). I liked it - no point in us both being awake, I felt.

BarberryRicePud · 02/02/2014 19:17

We're still in separate rooms and DD is 9m

I ebf and didn't mind to start with as I coslept with her and resettled quickly. But I haven't fed through the night since 7m and not exactly happy that it's still only me getting up. DS also only comes to me too. And I'm back at work.

I'd speak up now and insist at least on fri and sat nights that he does everything but the feeding. Don't do what I did and let it ride because you're too exhausted for the fight. Leads to an awful lot of resentment.

Mrsantithetic · 02/02/2014 19:18

Dp has always slept with us but never did a resettle ever. Dd is 16 mo and another one on the way now. I think first time round I was a bit possessive of dd and felt as she was ebf and is still on 2-3 bf over night he couldn't do anything anyway. This time shall be different!!!!

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