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New baby and DH in the bed

56 replies

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 17:54

DH moved downstairs onto the sofa bed when DS was born so he could sleep, 8 weeks later he's still there! He's tried coming back to bed twice now and says he can't sleep with us as DS is too noisy and he can't sleep.

What I'm asking really is is this normal? Do all dad's move out of the bedroom and I have to sleep alone until he's sleeping through? Also feel a bit sad that I've never had any support during all these night wakings and feeds, I'm ebf but still!

Am I being silly or not?

OP posts:
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StealthToddler · 02/02/2014 19:21

My dh has slept in another room whilst all our 4 babies were little. He is still there and am just starting to get ds4 into his own bed so dh can come back. I have ebf and still night bf so I don't see the point of dh having a disturbed night particularly when he works long hours. He does get up to our other boys if they disturb, which is rate. Perfectly normal as long as you are both happy with the situation. Don't worry about what other people do - do what suits you!

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 19:22

Barberryricepud this is exactly what I'm frightened of! We're co sleeping and he settled fairly quickly after feeding apart from a few colicky episodes, it just highlights the lack of support I feel and I know it's partly my fault for letting it go!

OP posts:
MyNameIsKenAdams · 02/02/2014 19:32

Hmmm....what woyld his reaction be if, say, baby wasnt re-settling and you just needed five minutes to pee or whatever - I would wake dh and say "hold the baby" or "right can you try?". What would your dh do (and feel free to test it out tonight!!)

Also, if he is just poppibg along tge shop, bundle ds into the buggy and say "ooh good, he will enjoy the fresh air"

Does he do bathtime? Maybe try making that 'his thing' each evening.

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BarberryRicePud · 02/02/2014 19:49

Trouble is OP, if you let it slide you end up in my position with an older dc who won't settle for daddy when he has a nightmare, because it's always been me at night.

If it's short term and your DH makes up for it in other ways (sends you back to bed at weekends, does all housework, brings you breakfast in bed etc) then there's not a problem. If, like me, you're essentially doing everything then at least try to explain just how hard it is being a mum 24/7. Write down exactly what you do in a day with timings, including how you manage to find time to brush your teeth and pee! Make him understand that this will break you.

I tried. I gave up. DH is a good father to DS and I know will be to dd once she's a bit older. I'm hoping our marriage survives my enormous disappointment in him.

Bumpandkind · 02/02/2014 19:51

I have the opposite problem and often passive aggressively enquire whether he would be more comfy on the sofa bed. I sleep better when it's just me and baby in bed.

Mishmashfamily · 02/02/2014 19:58

It's extremely easy to take on all the care with a new baby with out realising.

Some men are more than happy to sit back and let you do all the work...well your doing such a good job any way right?

I found myself in a very similar position admittedly it was my own suggestion that dp went in the spare room. I wasn't good for relationship and I soon started to resent it. Would you express for night feeds?

Sun-Thursday I'm on night watch , fri -sat nights he does. We have every other Sunday for a lie in.

Honestly , set your stall out now , discuss what's equal and fair . Your sleep and free time is vital too!

waterrat · 02/02/2014 20:26

Looey sit him down and explain how exhausting it is - and point out that unlike him and his job, yours is currently 24-7.

He must understand that a bf mum who is up half the night needs the chance to rest - I really agree with the point above - that he needs to start being hands on so that he feels at ease with the baby

BarbarianMum · 02/02/2014 20:47

If you're co-sleeping then maybe that's what's worrying him. I always planned to co-sleep. It took 2 nights before I realised that I could not relax w baby in the bed and we installed a crib next to me instead.

Cosleeping is not for everyone.

Christelle2207 · 02/02/2014 21:00

We were the same but at 11 weeks ish ds went into his room and dh came back :-)

chocolatebourbon · 02/02/2014 21:06

I don't really understand what posters expect OP's DH to do at night?? We planned with our first baby for DH to move out of the bedroom at night - as no point in us both being sleep-deprived and I was EBF. But we found that DH wasn't too disturbed by the feeding (in the dark) or quick nappy change with only a dim light on, so he stayed. Maybe consider how you could limit baby's noise so it is easier for everybody? With baby two I had a babybay cot attached to the bed and it was fantastic. Any noise from baby I could just give them milk or a quick cuddle without getting up. I would have thought that passing baby back and forth between two parents at night would just disturb baby even more and encourage more waking/noise? I know it's really tough, but from my (limited - two child) experience it is easier to just accept that if you are breastfeeding then for the first year things do work better if you just let baby cling to mummy. You just cannot share parenting that equally/fairly at that stage. Now my DD is two years old she will settle for either me or her Dad, and calls for either of us if she wants something in the night (usually her Dad as he is more likely to respond - I've done my time now and nights are for sleeping!!)

StopSquabbling · 02/02/2014 21:12

I co-slept and breast fed. DH slept in another room. I didn't feel I needed any support at night from him and I liked having the big expanse of bed for me and the baby.

It made perfect sense to us. Why disturb him as well as me?

He always made sure I got to lie in at weekends - something he still insists on several years later!

LooeyLou · 02/02/2014 21:24

I think from reading responses some think it's fine others not. I agree dh can't 'do' much at night just feel a bit abandoned that he's sleeping elsewhere, think we will just go with it for now. It's making me realise that this by itself doesn't bother me so much it's more the general support and help. We have two other children from his first marriage so I'm looking after them too (so he has experience!) I think we need to have a chat about sharing things. He works full time and makes dinner I do everything else child care housework etc

OP posts:
chocolatebourbon · 02/02/2014 21:55

Yes, definitely, baby plus two older children and housework is really tough. If your DH feels that he can't do that much extra, then do consider whether you as a family can afford to pay for a cleaner. If you have friends and relatives nearby, use them for emotional support as well - don't just rely on DH. Be careful not to get in a trap where you both think you are working harder than the other and resent it. It may be that you just need more outside help because you both have enough on your plate already.

LadyInDisguise · 02/02/2014 22:00

My big issue with that organisation is that your DH will get a nice full nigt of sleep and is likely to then look at you wondering what you are complaining about re broken night or why you need some support and he needs to step up to the mark.
Ime being woken up (or rather disturbed) by the baby is 1-normal when you re new dad and 2- just a little taste of what it means for your partner.

LadyInDisguise · 02/02/2014 22:02

He has experience

Has he really or did he leave all the night feeds to his ex too wo any support either?
It's not because he is the father of 2 older dcs that he has any experience of getting up in the night etc... The 'sharing' of responsibility might have been very strongly going towards her.

AnUnearthlyChild · 02/02/2014 22:13

chocolat and others saying what do the DH do? My dh is a total PITA in so many ways, but he bought himself a near lifetime stock of goodwill when dd was tiny. And boy has he needed it- this is no stealth boast about a mythical wonderful dh, he is a very ordinary bloke and prone to laziness quite often.

Dd was ebf, he dh worked full time, but if she cried in the night he was the one who got up, did her nappy and brought her to me ready to feed, if I was tired he sat up whilst she fed to ensure I didn't drop off holding her, and when done he would wind and settle her.

She was reflux-y high needs baby and he did fair share of shifts walking round the room or taking her out for a midnight walk so I could sleep. We did a strict one hour each when she was really bad.

He always helped clean up any reflux vomit incidents, even if they were on my watch.

As a result there was no task except bf that he couldn't do, and do well. And if I expressed then he would take over a feed of two once she was old enough to take a bottle.

Even now she is school age, he is first up and sorting any night time crisis, be it nightmares, vomit or bed wetting.

We have always had fair shares of lie ins. One weekend day each.

As I said, he isn't some domestic Superdad. He won't Hoover and hates cooking. But we always had equal division of work with the baby. Thank goodness.

QTPie · 02/02/2014 23:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 02/02/2014 23:28

It IS sad OP and don't fall into the trap of thinking it's all your fault either. All new mums can be a bit overprotective, but if he wanted to be more involved then he would be. The fact he doesn't do anything unless you actively ask for it speaks volumes to me.

My ex was like this and it was a shame, I didn't really mind at the time because it was no trouble to look after DS and he did anything that I asked if I needed help, but looking back I think it's a shame, he missed out on so much.

Was he involved in the care of his other DC when they were babies? Is he involved with them now or does that fall to you as well? Don't call it helping - he is their father, not a hired mother's assistant.

lilyaldrin · 02/02/2014 23:29

I am looking forward to DP moving out when DS2 is born! DP will probably move into DS1's room.

I don't see the point in him being in with us in the night personally as I don't really need his support, he wouldn't wake up for the baby anyway and his snoring disturbs me. But different things work for different couples. If I needed to wake him up or hand the baby to him in the night I could without issue.

When DS1 was born DP slept on the sofa for a while (2 weeks? I forget now) but we didn't have a spare room or sofabed anywhere so it wasn't sustainable long term. Then we were all in together til DS1 was 6 months and went into his own room. DP never woke up or did anything in the night until I stopped bfing at night at about 6 months, as there wasn't really anything he could do so no point (unless I couldn't settle DS/he was ill and I needed DP's help so woke him). After 6 months we shared all night waking until DS finally slept through at 2.5 years!

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 02/02/2014 23:30

And honestly - this is not about the bed sharing. Lots of uninvolved fathers snore obliviously in share the marital bed, lots of involved fathers get sleep elsewhere, it's not representative. What matters is what he actually does overall.

BertieBottsJustGotMarried · 02/02/2014 23:31

(And vice versa obviously :))

monkeynuts123 · 03/02/2014 11:27

I don't think he's being mean or shirking the work, he probably doesn't realise he can be any help in the nights if you're breast-feeding. He probably can't see the point in him being woken up all night if he's not being any use and thinks he's better off getting a good night sleep. I wouldn't get all upset about it just explain that you could do with him there to settle baby once you've fed. Maybe work out one feed that he can do that for, so you settle after the midnight feed and he settles after the 3am or whatever. Emphasise you need him and tell him what you want him to do, I have never met a man that didn't respond positively to that approach. If you say all this and he doesn't step up then you do have a problem.

monkeynuts123 · 03/02/2014 11:28

Wow AnUnearthlyChild, just wow!

waterrat · 03/02/2014 13:12

For those saying 'what can he do' - well, okay if you think a man can't help at night when BF (which I don't agree with) - fair enough, if they are helping during the day. But it sounds like OP is doing ALL The care for the baby - day AND night - how is that fair. His life has not changed, he is rested and happy and going about like normal while she is shattered and feeling abandoned - if you split night duties, then that means the OP should get a lie in in the morning for a couple of hours between feeds - and she should not have to 'ask' for a break to take a shower. She should have dinner put on the table when she is tired and he should be running around looking after her.

Breastfeeding requires rest for the mum - its exhausting and depletes energy - as does being awake half the night. If one partner feels completely fine and one feels exhausted then clearly something isn't right!

BeeInYourBonnet · 03/02/2014 14:09

I am completely Shock at all the posters who think there's no point bothering the poor FATHER OF THE BABY in case he might lose a bit of sleep, and anyway he can't bf so whats the point. Good grief.

How about he could:
Change nappies
Settle baby
Get up early with baby
Or just, god forbid, be general support for his sleep deprived 'D'W.

And how does needing to go to work affect weekend wakings?

Jeez.

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