Can't cope with my new baby

[Slh122]

DS Was born on Tuesday. He sleeps during the day fine but won't sleep on a night. I literally can't cope anymore I've had hardly any sleep he just wants to feed all night long every night.
Ive been in tears all night and I just wish I could leave him in his crib and run away. It's gotten to the point where earlier when he was screaming I would have just left him to cry if it wasn't for DP who picked him up. I want my old life back and I just feel like I've made a massive mistake :(

It's day 5 - classic day for baby blues to set in. Tomorrow will be better.

You've just had a massive hormonal crash after labour (which is traumatic however it goes) and nearly a week of little sleep.

Keep going, lean on your dp and sleep when the baby does, even for 30 mins. Also getting out of the house was really important for me, even to walk to the end of the road and back.

Lots of and cake and a hot bath.

And congrats on your lovely snugly baby

You poor thing. These early days are hard. Are you being easy on yourself in the day? If he sleeps in the day then you should try to too. He's still only 5 days old and so the constant feeding will start to settle soon - he'll have hungry days but it won't be everyday. Is your dp being supportive with everything else - he should be doing all nappy changes, cooking, washing etc. explain to him how your feeling to help give yourself some breathing space, and if you still feel like this in a couple of weeks seek some help from your hv/gp. It's very normal to have a huge emotional wobble at the end of week 1 not so normal to still feel how you do weeks and weeks later.

you need dp to do lots at this time, of course he should pick him up too!! try to rest during the day, reduce number of visitors and spend as much time ss possible on the sofa or in bed. it will get easier, but in the short term look after yourself only have guests who actually help. i.e bring meals etc and don't worry about cleaning etc.

I know exactly how you feel. It gets better I promise. My dd is 4 weeks old and it's still really hard but we've had some nights with only 1 feed about 3am.

It's perfectly normal to feel how you do, esp in the first couple of weeks. Don't best yourself up, try and fine some positive moments (cuddles, funny expressions etc) and tell yourself it will get better and you will feel different.

Practical things - are you sleeping in the day when your ds does? That way you might cope better at night.
Can you "tag-team" with your dp so you get a couple of hours sleep at night (only works on a feeding break and if dp isn't working perhaps).

Rest assured lots of people feel this way. It must get lots better else no one would ever have more than 1 child!!!

I just worry about how I'm going to cope when DP goes back to work. My mum is coming during the day but she won't be here on a night.
DP just tells me to stop crying and says he's only a baby and it's not his fault :( I know that already :(

This was me on day 5. It does get better I promise

When does it get better?

You will cope, because you'll get really good at this, really quickly. Sleep when he sleeps in the day, or get your mum or DP to take him out for a walk while you sleep. A sling might help; the motion will rock him to sleep and you can get stuff done with two hands until he nods off. Then just sit down with him still attached to you, and sleep!

Try not to worry too much about what will happen when DP goes back to work - enjoy the next week, and things will be very different by then. You'll have a routine of some sort, which means sleep of some sort hopefully.

Hang in there, you're doing great.

Honestly it gets better. Sleep deprivation is your biggest issue. If you can do anything to even just lie down for a bit when baby is asleep during the day it will help.
Your Mum and DP can help by bringing you tea and food. Try not to overachieve. Don't do anything other than try and sleep.

When does it get better. You won't like this - in a couple of weeks.

If you feel overwhelmed call a friend. I did. No one's judging you. It's hard.

OP, I remember feeling just like this...you need to give yourself a break. It's NORMAL to feel like this. You have gone from being autonomous and 'free' to having to attend to the whims of another person, not just daily, but nightly too. A little person who has no idea of the etiquette that comes with daily and nightly demands. You are exhausted, possibly shell shocked from birth and just realising the realities of being a parent.

The good news is...this is the toughest bit! It all gets easier from here...not necessarily overnight, but it DOES get better. I know right now it feels like this is it for the rest of your life, but it's not. He will one day sleep in the night. The flip side of that news is you don't know when. Some babies settle really fast, some take a lot longer. The important thing is managing how you cope until he catches on and settles more.

As soon as you have next fed him Ask your DH to take him out for a walk and have a sleep. Do this as much as you can whilst he is at home. If you can't sleep get up, have a shower and get dressed. Then next time he's fed go out, on your own...even if it Is just for a quick walk round the block. You need to feel freer for half an hour.

When your mum comes, don't hesitate to let her get stuck in and help. Sleep as much as possible, eat (and I'd actually steer clear of cake and stooge too much here and eat foods that will help boost your energy levels in a non 'high and crash' way) get a box set of great things to watch when you are sat feeding, or audio books. And get outside as much as possible.

Whereabouts (roughly) are you? Could you organise a meet up with anyone from mn? Are you on an anti natal group here?

You will feel better. You will get through this, and You will stop resenting this little person who has curbed your freedom and adore them. ESP as they become less dependant. I'd also recommend getting yourself to a sling consultant if you can and rent a good quality sling so you can a baby wear. This will help settle your son as he'll be right with you but free you to go and do some more normal things.

Well, that's exactly how I felt. In fact, a couple of times I did leave baby with DH and run away . Always found my way home after an hour or two though - bit of space probably did us all good to be honest. My DH was also often the one to pick up DS1 to comfort him - DH was the calm, coping, practical one that seemed to be able to soothe DS1 while I was the sobbing milk machine crumpled on the bed wondering what the hell we'd done.

The lack of sleep is brutal and most likely at the root of the way you're feeling (plus the massive impact of all the hormonal shifts). I can't put a timescale on when it will get better for you as it's different for everyone, but it will. My DS1 is 19 months now and it's been better for a very, very long time. DS2 will be arriving 4 weeks today in fact!

Some things we did, in case they help:

Don't worry about the crying - I just accepted I would occasionally spend time with tears running down my cheeks and not necessarily know why. If you need to cry, let it happen, it's fine.

I expressed a bit of milk so DH could kip in the lounge with DS1 for a night and give him bottles while I got a decent sleep. Would this be an option for you at all? Expressing isn't for everyone, but it might help.

Similarly, not for everyone, but a dummy can help a baby settle I believe, if you don't use one already (haven't used one myself so not sure on advice round them).

I found that occupying my mind when he was crying in the night or feeding and I was exhausted, helped enormously as I wasn't thinking about how bad I felt and it calmed me. For me, I mentally chanted buddhist chants, but singing, poetry, anything like that would work the same.

Something I didn't do and wish I had:

Spoke to my midwife and / or HV. I should have done this and I didn't because I'm independent and I could cope . Balls. I was a mess and should have spoken to more people about it. They might not have a magic bit of advice that sorts everything out, but being able to talk about it to someone that understands helps.

Chin up, you probably don't believe it, but you will survive and in a few months, you'll be sat in the sun, watching your DS roll around on a blanket while he babbles to himself and you feel relaxed and happy.

I was in your situation a few weeks ago. Ds is now 6 weeks old and still waking every couple of hours in the night but now I'm feeling less hormonal (I felt exactly as you describe) can manage and feel much more of a bond with him.

OP you are going through a really tough time. Like others say it will get better - not overnight but gradually. It may even get worse before it gets better but your life will not be like this forever.

You say he sleeps through the day, are you able to sleep at this time too? I know if you can the nights are still long and lonely but at least it will alleviate some of the sleep depravation (remember this has been used as a form of torture in war time).

If you can, be kind to yourself, let the house fall into disarray, eat ready meals, don't get dressed if these things help.

One other thing that might help is to make a clear differentiation between day and night time sleep. During the day I'd put mine down to sleep in the living area, when they woke I'd make a fuss of them etc whereas at night they slept in our darkened room, when they woke it was business only ie. feed change, no chat, no eye contact etc.

One last thing; about a week after our firstborn DH and I lay in bed holding hands asking each other if we'd made a big mistake. You're not the first to think like this and you won't be last.

Take care of yourself.

Oh I so feel for you. I would rather go through the birth again than the first few nights/weeks with a newborn.

My ds wouldn't sleep for more than 20 / 30 minutes at a time and was up most of the night. I swear to God, I could barely resist the urge to throw him out of the window.

You sound exhausted. You need some sleep. Lots of sleep. Can you get someone to look after him for a day / half a day whilst you rest? If you are b/f, could you someone bring him to you to feed and then let you rest? Could you express and put bm into bottles?

It DOES get better. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now as there is nothing rewarding about a miniature, screaming dictator constantly keeping you awake.

Op, I feel really sorry for you. I remember feeling like this. I can honestly say that the first week or two of my DC1s life were the worst weeks of my life. (I still feel so guilty for saying that.)

No one prepares you for the shock of having a baby and it really is a huge shock. I remember feeling like I'd made a massive mistake too, and guilty for feeling like that too.

It's completely normal to feel the way you're feeling. Please don't feel guilty. In a few weeks you will just kow what to do with your baby and it will be sooo much easier. You're going through the baby blues right now where your hormones are all over the place. You can cope and you will. You are just exhausted at the moment.

Are you bf or ff? If ff, get your DP to take over for a night, I assume he is on paternity leave? If you're bf, it is harder to get some decent rest, but get him to take te baby for an hour long walk so you can have a sleep.

Keep telling yourself, this will pass, I can get through this.

When my DC1 was a few days old I remember thinking I'd never, in a million years, have another baby. But I did. Less than 2 years later! I did not struggle at all with my DC2. He was the easiest baby you can imagine but I still got the baby blues with him. But it passed.

Sorry this is so long. It's just because I felt the same as you and I KNOW you'll be fine in a week or two, even if you can't see it yet.

Keep posting if you need to op. Good luck and congratulations !

I second what everyone has said here. These feelings are mainly due to hormones and lack of sleep. I felt hideous after the birth of my 1st. What have I done? What a hideous mistake... How can I get out of this? I felt just awful, crying all the time without really knowing why and feeling really out of control. Although hideous, it is normal - thousands of others are feeling the same way and it will pass. Your hormones will settle and your baby will sleep a bit more and you will cope. Then you will manage, then you will feel a bit more in control and then it will start being fun! Then your DC will turn 3 and things will go downhill again

You've gone through a life changing event and nothing will be the same again, but in time it will be great. Congratulations!

This was just how I felt when I had DD1. I can even remember the exact moment that it hit me that this baby was forever and would be my constant companion for years and years to come. I think the whole focus before she was born was waiting for the day she was to arrive and then the reality of her was not what I was expecting at all. I cried a lot and just wanted my old life back. I felt like this for 3 weeks and I then woke one morning and it was like a fog had lifted. I think I had kind of come to terms with our new life.
As others have said, if you can get out of the house every day, that helps. I found even just going to my local Tesco express and being amongst other people lifted my spirits a bit. If you can't sleep in the day, at least rest and watch tv etc. Don't make too many demands on yourself, cleaning and housework really can wait. Just take care of yourself and your lovely new bundle. Can you get your Mum to make a meal or two for you to stick in the freezer?
My DD was 4 yesterday and we also have DD2 who is 2 and life is great with them, (mad) but great! Congratulations and you WILL feel better soon.

How are you feeding, OP?

I totally felt like this, by the way. Huge hugs.

This too shall pass.
YY to sleeping when baby sleeps, be kind to yourself.

If your DS is feeding constantly at night, you could try co sleeping - it may give you a chance to doze while he feeds. Also if he's just very sucky, it might be worth trying a dummy. I did this with DS on his second night home from hospital and it worked a treat - it never interfered with breatfeeding (he was EBF for 6 months) and settled him immediately. Some babies are just sucky.

As everyone else says, this will get better, and more quickly than it feels. I'm sitting here with 12wo DD and the change even from week to week is pretty amazing. Do make the most of your DH being around in the meantime

Thank you so much everyone, I feel a lot better knowing I'm not the only one.
Last night was hard, he's just let me sleep for 3 hours though and as soon as I've looked at him in the daylight I've remembered just how gorgeous he is :)
I feel so guilty for thinking like that, it's just so hard in the middle of the night when you have had no sleep and the baby won't settle.
We did co sleep for a few hours last night but I didn't sleep very well - I was worried about suffocating him in my sleep.
I'm breast feeding and on a day I really enjoy it, I like the bond and I like how easy it is just being able to feed him straight away wherever we are, but last night I was so close to sending DP out for a tub of formula.

Oh, it's so so tough, isn't it. Your post brought it all flooding back.

It WILL get better. My youngest is 14mo and I've had undisturbed nights for months and months.

It's a hard time, so go easy on yourself, and do whatever you can to survive it. Personally, I found co sleeping a great short term solution (make sure you're doing it safely if you go down this route). My youngest responded really well to swaddling - we had a miracle blanket which was honestly a lifesaver.

Talk to you partner in the daytime (definitely not in the middle of the night!) explain that you are struggling and you need him to cut you some slack in the middle of the night.

And most of all, don't panic. I remember thinking I would never sleep properly again, needless to say, I was wrong.

Take care.

This is totally normal, it will get better. The first 6 weeks or so are bloody tough, no 2 was about it, but you will adapt and adjust and in a few weeks when he starts smiling at you it will be ok!! Keep going, try and sleep whenever you can ( hard I know)

SLH122 - so glad you're starting to see the light at the end :-) Just watned to add that initially cosleeping is hard as you are so alert to your baby, but as time passes you relax a bit and you manage to get a bit more sleep. We co-sleep on and off (some nights he'd spend the whole night in his cots, other nights, come 4am if we were shattered we'd bring him into bed.

I also always feed him lying down at night, which helps tremendously (not sure if you're doing that or not?) as you get some rest (and sometimes nod off...) All babies are different, but my 2 weeks my ebf baby was sleeping 2.5/3 hours between feeds (whereas it was constant the first week or so). Once the supply gets established the feeds (generally, but not always!) space out to something a bit more reasonable... (and then it all changes again, but hey, that's babies :-)

I will think about giving him a dummy tonight, sometimes he does just seem to suck constantly, but I was worried about confusing him.
I also like the day and night idea - last night I was feeding in the dark, I'll do that again tonight and keep talking to a minimum but make a big fuss of the daytime.