Can't cope with my new baby

[Slh122]

DS Was born on Tuesday. He sleeps during the day fine but won't sleep on a night. I literally can't cope anymore I've had hardly any sleep he just wants to feed all night long every night.
Ive been in tears all night and I just wish I could leave him in his crib and run away. It's gotten to the point where earlier when he was screaming I would have just left him to cry if it wasn't for DP who picked him up. I want my old life back and I just feel like I've made a massive mistake :(

The first weeks are such a shock to the system, you're doing so well. Sorry, that sounds a bit patronising, doesn't it? It's true though.

My DH was the calm one too at first but then he hadn't endured a 48hr induction and labour and all the assorted traumas that resulted, plus he wasn't awash with hormones and societal pressure to be the perfect mother.

One of the things that helped us in the early days was getting outside as much as possible. DD1 was a winter baby, so daylight was important in setting her circadian rhythms properly. After the first couple of weeks she got the hang of day and night and we all finally got some decent sleep.

I'm too scared to talk to the HV or MW because I'm young (19) and I'm so scared they'll think I'm a bad mum and take him off me :(
I also feel guilty as I didn't even have a traumatic labour, waters went at 10 am and he was born at 7 pm after 50 mins in active labour and 12 minutes pushing, so I feel awful because I know some people have had really bad labours.

You aren't a bad mum. You're a new mum. We all go through the self-doubt and worry phase. I was 33 when I had DD1, and was convinced they weren't going to let me walk out of the hospital with her as I obviously had no idea what I was doing!

Your love for your DS shines through every post you make. You've just hit the baby blues - see, it's so well known there's a name for it!

I'm glad you had a straightforward labour. Seriously, you shouldn't feel bad because your experience was 'good'. It doesn't make you less deserving of sympathy?

Rogue ? Sorry!

And do talk to your MW (less sure about the HV, but then I've met some very odd ones). If she's any good she will disregard your age and focus on the important thing, which is supporting you. .

SLH - don't feel scared, what you're feeling is what many mums feel (19 or 40!) HVs are there to help, and it's better to let these feelings/emotions out than block them up - no-one is going to take your baby away when you're owning up to perfectly common emotions - they'll offer suggestions to help (well they should!)

I'd be reluctant to give a dummy just now as your baby is still trying to up your milk supply (babies suckle a lot for the first few weeks as the more they suckle the more milk you produce - so if you start giving him a dummy, he'll suckle less which means you might not produce enough milk for him, so that could prematurely end your bfeeding plans), maybe wait a couple of weeks. Once he's been bfeeding a few weeks, you could also think about mixed feeding (giving him formula at bedtime and bfeeding the rest of the time) if you feel a bit overwhelmed and need a bit of a break (which again, is very common)

The thing is, babies are hard work (people don't always tell you that!). Your baby is perfectly normal, his constant feeding is what he needs to do just now, you need to develop coping mechanisms around that (like getting rest during the day if you can, bfeeding lying down at night and taking naps when you can). This is a very brief phase, but it is intense.

Try not to wish it away though, newborns are newborns for such a short space of time - do what you can to make you feel better so you can enjoy him now :-)

Having your first baby is an enormous shock to the system. If you're not used to babies, you have no idea what life with one is really like. And if you've never had to get up several times a night, you have no expectations about what the tiredness feels like. It's very very hard.

The most important thing I learned is that you do whatever it takes to get some sleep! Your baby is still tiny and, unfortunately for their tired mummies, many of them just want to be snuggled close to you. You said that he sleeps well during the day. Do you nap when he does? It can make a huge difference. With DD1 I still used to lie down sometimes when she was 2! Also, while you have your DH at home let him take the baby sometimes when he's settled so that you can go and get some sleep. Will you have any family or friends who can come over sometimes when he's gone back to work?

It's a good idea to keep night feedings quiet and dark. Some babies, like my DD1, start to feed less and sleep well at night early on. Others, like my DD2, feed reguarly during the night for a long time, so you have to decide what will work for you and help you to get some sleep. With DD2 I had to co-sleep for survival as she fed so frequently at night. I had never intended to do this but if the lack of sleep is impossible for you, this may be the only solution (whenever she woke, I would switch her over to the other boob and go back to sleep - I actually woke in the morning feeling quite refreshed!) . There are ways to make it as safe as possible: no pillows or bedding near baby. It also helps if DH sleeps elsewhere. Or you could try one of those side-car cots that attach to the bed so that baby is close to you but has his own space?

Things will definitely improve, but there is no set in stone date to say when unfortunately. Good luck, you will honestly look back on this time fondly one day!

I remember sitting with a screaming baby one night during the first week and thinking quite matter of factly that I would just have to have her adopted.

It's horrible but it will get better. I second the recommendations of trying to rest in the day and have something to look forward to during night feeds-something to read on kindle or film/box set.

Would try to avoid dummy for another few weeks but if you're at the end of your tether then go for it for 20 minutes or so to give you time for a shower and cuppa.

Please don't worry or feel guilty.
We have ALL had feelings such as yours.
haven't we ladies?

REALLY. We have.
We totally understand. Please don't feel guilty. you are doing fine.
The sleep deprivation nearly killed me. I shouted " I can't do this anymore".
Tis normal. promise.

I felt exactly the same with all I my dcs. Even when you already have a child it's so very hard in the first few weeks.

Talk to your MW or HV. They won't think you're a bad mum. I was 19 when I had my eldest who had terrible reflux and bf didn't work. I'm also very stubborn and found it hard to ask for help. It doesn't make you a bad mum for asking for help, it makes you a good mum that you can see you need help - even if its just getting your DP to take the baby for a walk to get five minutes rest.

In the early days sleep whenever your baby sleeps. Forget the housework and cooking - it's DPs job for now. Just concentrate on looking after your baby.

I felt completely overwhelmed with my eldest non sleeping baby. She would only sleep on me and cried constantly for hours for no reason that I could find. When it got to that point where I felt like joining in, I'd put her in her bed and leave the room for 5 minutes to calm down. So long as its only 5 minutes and the baby is safe and not hungry/wet etc. it's perfectly okay to do this once in a while.

I felt like such a failure for doing this but it really saved my sanity as the short break to calm down meant I could go back and cuddle/rock/walk with dd1 till she stopped crying however long it took.

Your age doesn't matter, you sound like you are doing an amazing job OP.

Your DP needs to be more supportive. Him telling you to 'stop crying' isn't helpful. During the day he needs to step up and do as much of the caring for his son as he can while you get some much needed rest.

Maybe show him this thread?

& for you - you are doing brilliantly.

One tip I was given that worked for us was in the night I would feed dd till she fell asleep then change her nappy to wake her up again then feed her again so she got a bit more. Also second the dark room no eye contact thing.
It does get better. For me it was after a couple of weeks so maybe not too long. (Still felt like taking her back every now and then though).

The first few weeks are tough, due to the sleep deprivation, but the first week is the hardest. Even though you'll still have to do night feeds, how things are this first week is not representative of how things will be in even just a week's time. Many babies are practically nocturnal for the first week and are up all night. Ds1 was like that and I remember phoning the postnatal ward at 2am one night in desperation for advice. Talk to your midwife, make sure he is weighed when he is meant to be to check he hasn't lost too much weight - just in case he isn't getting enough milk and that's making the nights harder. My supply wasn't great so both mine wanted frequent feeds at first because they weren't satisfied with the volume I was making. If that's the case there are ways to help that. Whatever the reason, it will get easier, and soon - by that I mean over the next week or two, not in weeks or months time. No matter how exhausted you feel now, your body will cope with the lack of sleep and you'll get through it. Nap during the day when baby does if you can. x

Well done for bfing by the way! Unfortunately formula is rarely the miracle it feels like it will be and can cause tummy pains etc that can make night waking worse. But what ever you decide is right for you and your baby you sound like your doing fab, it's an extremely hard job and EVERYONE struggles.

I really feel for you, I second what other posters have said about this being a completely normal feeling. However, if you do start to feel that you might be depressed please try not to be worried about telling the HV. They will help and support you, not snatch your baby away. I say this from experience, I was only 16 when I had my eldest and I started to suffer terribly with pnd. After struggling for months, terrified that my baby would be taken if I admitted I wasn't coping, I told my GP and HV. I went on anti D's and had counselling and life was so much better. DD is now nearly 11 and I've since had two boys and suffered again after both of them, but was confident enough to ask for help. I'm sure things will improve naturally with you, but if it doesn't, dont suffer unnecessarily. I hope this helps.

Oh my darling xxx

I can remember being on my own with my son on night three of his life. My mum had stayed over for one night and gone off to bed and my partner had gone off to bed, and I was in the living room on my own with my son in his Moses basket and he just cried and cried and cried. I made some sort of peace with the world that night and decided that I just no longer slept, like it was a fact. Somehow that stopped me from feeling so hysterical and frightened.

Obviously I did eventually sleep again, but fuck me, those early days were hard.

Ok, what worked for me was co sleeping. I got a special co sleep bassinet and I took him to bed with me, breast fed him to sleep and then moved him sideways into his crib and fell asleep. Every time he woke if just move him across and he would suckle while I dozed on my side and then I moved him across again.

I know some people would say not to co sleep, but it worked me for me and I plan on doing it again for baby 2 and I will use slings a lot more.

Another "it will gey better" from me. Babies are born with backwards body clocks, I'm sure. DD did exactly the same but settled into a good routine soon enough and now at 17 weeks only wakes once at about 1am.

Sleep when baby sleeps. Housework can wait. Yes to your partner taking him out. Also, go for drives with the baby and you as a passenger. Cars are brilliant for getting babies to sleep and you can kip as well.

Do you have a blender? I used to make loads of banana smoothies for energy in the early days - also try having things like pasta and pesto.

Congratulations on your new baby, be kind to yourself abd before you know it you'll be waking up after your first full nights sleep.

I just want to reassure you that the first week was like this with all 3 of mine - and I was in my thirties. This is nothing to do with your age - the first few weeks with a new baby are just hard work! But it gets much easier, honestly. He needs a couple of weeks to adjust to being out and you need a couple of weeks to adjust to having a baby - even working out all the bloody equipment is a nightmare, especially when you are so tired! I remember vividly being in a supermarket carpark on day 5 with my first, with my brand-new, expensive travel system - and picking it up and battering it into the ground repeatedly because I just couldn't get the bloody pram open! (Bugaboo - was new and stiff and I was too tired to read the instructions). It still has the marks on and with the next 2 when I felt like that in the first week I would look at it and think, hang on, just get through the first few weeks and you will remember how to fold up this pram and how to cope with a newborn :)

Aww bless you. I couldn't read this without it bringing back such terrible memories! I felt exactly like this after both my babies. It's so hard and you're so exhausted. Honestly, it gets so so so much better. Ignore people who tell you their baby slept through at 2 days old, years later I found out that most of my friends were exaggerating their amazing miracle baby's sleeping skills! We've all been there. We've all been sat comforting a screaming baby, day and night and wondered how the hell we'd survive. It's tough, especially when you don't have a huge lot of support and help. My DH is amazing with babies (thank GOD) but we have no other family to help out and it really made me realise how lucky people are who do have a support network. If you have family or friends please accept any help going. You will get through this. I did, twice and so did everyone else who has a baby!

Hey. You are doing a great job. These days are tough but they do pass. Are there any bf groups near you? It can be really helpful to meet others who are going/have gone through the same. There is info on safe co sleeping online- maybe on the Isis website? You don't need to achieve anything right now except feeding your baby and getting sleep where you can. Congratulations. There are easier days ahead.

Thank you everyone - really makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone :)
We had a really good night last night - managed to go two 3 hour chunks of sleep so feeling a lot more positive today.

I felt exactly the same at this point with my first. Exactly the same.
It gets much better quickly. If it didn't I wouldn't have got pregnant again when dc1 was 6 months and wouldn't be wanting a dc3 :-) promise

Op! you sound like a totally normal new mum. And age doesn't come into it whatsoever!

For now just concentrate on you & your baby boy. Let the housework slide (dp can do that!) and make sure you're eating enough.

Congratulations It does get better. Honest.

It must do. I have 3 children. I didn't have a clue on my 1st. I joke to her now, that we had to to practice on!

She never fed. Ds1 came along. He never slept. 3rd time lucky I thought. He cried. All. The. Time. I wanted to send him back!

Anyhow, we are all here for you. But obviously, the professionals can offer you help as well. Don't be afraid to admit you feel blue/are struggling etc x

Chin up. We are all there with you. Stick at the BFing if you can because it will actually help you get out and see people - - including your old friends who will be amazed at how great you look, how gorgeous your baby is and how relaxed and free and easy feeding him is. We rarely look as bad as it feels - fake it til you make it.

It will get easier.

I always ask childless friends, "see that woman over there pushing her newborn? What do you think of it?" and wothout a doubt their opinion is its a magical time, long strolls with a gurgling happy baby and a relaxed coffee in a cafe. Then I kindly inform them that, more than likely, that woman has had