What does your husband do to help out at home?

[Brewster]

What does your hubby do to make you feel like you are a team?
how does he pull his weight when at home?

We also met and moved in together as students with part time jobs so never any question of traditional roles.

DH is in charge of any DIY (i am useless at it)
In charge of emptying bins, putting them out, bringing back in, keeping an eye on any schedule changes (so anything rubbish related, grin)
Reads to DS every night (we used to take it in turns, but its has somehow ended up being his thing with ds now, which I am find about)
We do bath time together
I always cook, he always clears up the kitchen, washing up, putting stuff in dish washer.
He is in charge of emptying the dish washer in the mornings
Looks after ds on saturday and sunday morning so that I can have a lie in.
That's it I think....

He doesn't help - we're a team. Our house, our mess. To be honest I'd say he does more than me, but I do have back problems. He sees something that needs doing, he does it.

I have to say it's refreshing - no other previous partners were like that.

OP - how did we get to be that way? OH had to be pretty self-sufficient from a young age - my MIL is registered blind. Now my exH - it's pretty obvious where he gets his attitudes form if you spend a few hours in his childhood home - housework is 'wimmen's work'. The only cooking/cleaning I witnessed my exFIL do was smoking meats/bbqing and cleaning the grills afterward - MIL did everything else but that's ok because she had nice sparkly things - which is fine, it worked for them, but it most certainly didn't work for me.

I basically do everything, dp chops wood. He does change Some nappies Too. That's it. We both work a fair bit. I'm very unhappy with it.

Dh works ft and I am a sahm.

He puts kids to bed, does bins and rubbish if prompted, sometimes walks the dog.

Over Christmas he did lots more, half arsed washings, reorganising things, as I was ill. We argued last night because he had blocked the Hoover and I had gotten upset as I was tired and trying to Hoover up the mess he left from decorations. He shouted at me as he had done lots and it still wasn't good enough.

I have no idea what to do, he obviously resents doing any housework but doesn't mind spending time with the kids to give me a break. I mind doing all the housework because he won't even put his clothes in the laundry basket, just leaves them on the floor, and it makes me feel like a skivvy.

I have to talk to him tonight nut I know we will argue as he thinks he does his best and I'm too picky. I think he is lazy and don't want the kids to pick up on the fact that he does so little, we have 2 ds's and a dd and I don't want to be explaining to my dils and sil that their partners are lazy because they were brought up to think it was OK.

Sofa - I had exactly the same thing with Ex - going on about how what he did do wasn't good enough (well, what's the point if you're going to threaten the bathroom with a cloth!).

It's simply prickish behaviour to deflect his failings back onto you to get you to shut up.

Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, in fact stop doing anything for him until he does his fair share when he's home.

As you've basically said - you are not his skivvy.

I am a sahm so do more than dh, but as he works from home, can choose his hours he often does as much as I do.
There isn't a job he won't do and is brilliant at the dirty jobs nobody likes to do
We both H.ed our dd so one of us can be doing domestics whilst the other supervising dd or being on hand to help her.
I think every family is unique and every relationship.

Thanks happy I shall at least impose laundry rules I think. He does do his own cooking so I didn't mention that, he is not quite as bad as I have made him out to be.
But there is certainly something demeaning about picking someone's dirty socks up for them all the time!

How did you all get to be this way with the joint responsibility of jobs?

Um...I'm not attracted to helpless, piss-taking men-children? I would never have moved in with anyone who expected me to do all the work. What sane person would?

50:50 in our household. It helps that we both work FT and we don't have kids. I think it's when children come along that the latent misogyny tends to rear its ugly head.

OP, I imagine the stress engendered by your OH will be contributing to your colitis, as you say it is stress-related.

His laziness is making you ill. Food for thought.

My dp works full time, I'm currently on ML and probably won't return to work so I do the bulk of the housework.

Dp puts the bins and recycling out, cooks 70% of the time, does 50% of dds feeds when he's at home, does most of the food shopping, and will do other jobs I ask him to do.

I still have to nag him quite a bit, which he hates but tough shit!

TBH, I think it's hard to get to equality from a position of inequality - you really need to start there! That's not to say it's impossible, but easier if you establish an equal footing from the day you move in together.

During the week in term time very little - clearing up after tea...on weekends or in holidays anything that needs doing.

I am at home and do 3 days a week childminding so I'm here to do things.

Help out?
Now we both work,it's an equal split with all the adults in the house.
When the children were small, he was a SAHD and we worked as a team by talking and sharing what needed to be done

"How did you all get to be this way with the joint responsibility of jobs?"

By only forming adult relationships with adult human beings.

' I wonder if many people will post to say they do everything and he does nothing?'

Like so many on this thread, I didn't take him straight from the arms of his mummy. We lived in a shared house for a couple of years.
I'm not attracted to man-children who are looking for a skivvy/mummydoeseverything figure.
We started as equals, thirty years ago.

I think you do what needs doing though as a team, surely?
Our whole family works together and we all do the jobs we are good at. I'm great at blitzing the kitchen but ask me to plan the food for the week or DIY and I'm not so good. Kids do their own rooms, hallways and landing.
We all do a bit and jobs get done. Sometimes I do most of it and sometimes dh does, it isn't an issue really.

Sorry, must add I don't understand this 50/50 stuff. I'd hate my life to be governed by working out who does what and having to talk about domestic stuff, some people have spread sheets ffs.
If it needs doing, then do it.

That's how it works for us, morethan, we all pitch in.
But if you are having to start from scratch, lists and spreadsheets might be the only way of demonstrating what is going on to your partner, and enabling them to see the distribution of time and jobs.
Takes the heat out of an argument.

Brewster I am the same as you... basically do everything...he does the odd dinner ( once in 3/4 weeks) or puts the washing machine on but god forbid actually hanging up a wet washing or folding and putting a clean wash away in the RIGHT drawers/ rooms...
I am on MAT leave just now so I am sucking it up and getting on with it but he will really need to step up when I go back full time and with 2 little ones to contend with also...
I would say I still did the lions share even when working and sometimes if he finished work at 6 and i finished at 10pm I would still have to come home at 1030pm and iron work uniforms and kids clothes for the next day ... :(

Joint responsibility does not mean 50:50. It means that both partners are aware of what needs to be done and take responsibility for it. And acknowledge when one partner is doing more of one thing for whatever reason. One person could be doing all the housework, for example, but there could still be joint responsibility.

I am a SAHM, DH works 45 hours a week.

We share some jobs but his specific ones are...
Hoovering
Washing up or cooking (we take it in turns)
Empty all bins and take take out weekly bins
Bathing the DC
Helps me put them to bed

I do the rest. I feel like we both do our share.

He did nothing when we first moved in together, we were young. I was 19 he was 22. He came straight from home where MIL does EVERYTHING. He didn't empty his own bath.
DD was born 2 weeks after we moved in together and I did all the housework and childcare. DH was as you describe like another child to pick up after. He would dry the pots after much nagging and that was about it.
Nearly 14 years and three more children on and he does much more.
He's still not great but he has got better. He is out of the house from around 6am until at least 7pm most days, works 8am until 2pm every other Saturday and often has work to do on his laptop in the evenings as well. So obviously I do most things or they wouldn't get done. He is very good with DC though, he will take them out to give me a break, will get up in the night, help with homework etc.

I used the term '50:50' to mean that neither of us feels 'put upon'. We both perceive the split to be fair. We both have the same amount of leisure time.

Not that we have a spreadsheet