I feel like I'm the laziest mother on Earth :( Feeling awful and guilty.

[ApplySomePressure]

Long time lurker and have posted in the past, name changed for this.

I have an adorable 7mo DS, he's sweet and funny-I love him so much, but sometimes I just acnnot cope with the relentlessness of it all. Often I just cannot be bothered to play with him and it is making me feel awful.

I work four days a week as a secondary school teacher. I am shattered. DS does not sleep through, we co-sleep and he is FF. DH is hands on and very supportive.

When we get home from Nursery, all I want to do is plonk him in front of the TV. I'm shattered from work and lack of sleep and sometimes it's the only thing that can stop him whinging. I feel so guilty about this as he gets to play with toys all day at nursery and I do not plan any fun things for us to do.

I constantly talk to him and cuddle him, but just cannot muster the enthusiasm or energy to "play" with him. He's often left to play with his toys, whilst DH and I watch from the sofa. When he gets bored of this (usually after 10 minutes) we put him in his walker and out on the TV. Sometimes he can watch hours and hours of TV in one day. I know this is very wrong, but I can't seem to stop. DH and I are both professionals, we know better and didn't imagine ourselves being lazy parents, but we can't seem to get a handle on being pro active parents.

I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face because DS deserves so much more. I feel like I let him down in his early weeks as I just couldn't BF him, and was given so much bad advice which lead to me giving up BF. I'm not sure that I've gotten over this. I was convinced he was TT, but no one listened to me. He was finally diagnosed with TT at 5 months.

I do not have any baby friends. I did have a group of NCT friends, but felt they were judging me because I had to return to work so early, and I have just avoided them since.

Please help me be a better mother, I'm not sure what's wrong with me.

Don't be so hard on yourself, I am not sure how much a 7 month old baby 'plays' anyway. A lot of children spend time with the tv on - it's just that no one ever mentions it on Mumsnet . He is presumably having fun and interacting with other adults and children at nursery. As he gets a little older it will be easier to play simple games (ie: I used to half heartedly pretend to push a few toy animals around on the floor whilst I was reading the paper ).

dont be so hard on yourself, it's understandable you feel tired. I dont think a 7mth old will be aware thet your not directly playing with him as long as you are there. they are not interested in tv at that age so are probably engrossed in what they are doing. I think women put too much pressure on themselves now and it is also applied.

im sure the NCT ladies weren't judging you ( and so what if they were). dare I say yhat maybe you were a bit sensitive to it?

apoligies for terrible grammar,...

you are exhuasted! Of course neither of you have the energy for stimulating play. And I don't really think it's necessary at 7 months - the talking and being close must surely be the main thing. It does sound like you feel bad about the tv so maybe that's an area to change. How do you know he's bored with his toys - could you take some away for a bit then return them, or give him other stuff like wooden spoons, tupperware etc. I always struggle much more with playing at home than going out and doing stuff so you do get a rough deal only having the evenings. Under 1s are quite tiring but it sounds like you are actually doing a fine job. Could you lie on the floor next to him while he plays, instead of sit on the sofa - minor and quite relaxing shift?

Hiya,

don't be so hard on yourself. Firstly you don't mention times but if it's after you've been at work and he's been at nursery it must be pretty late so you don't want to get him all worked up an excited as it's nearly bedtime. my boy is always exhausted after nursery because it's so busy with all the other children so he needs a calmer evening (5-7pm) than on other nights.

Secondly, it might be the age he is. 7months isn't much fun (sorry sorry sorry I'm sure he's lovely). I suspect he can't move around much, or talk, or play with much on his own. I would say that in the next few months, he'll become more independent and he will play with toys on his own while you crash on the sofa!!!

if you do want to introduce more time together, have you tried reading him stories? this can be done from the comfort of your sofa and requires hardly any energy. Or just sit and watch the telly with him.

finally, are you maximising your weekends?? we have a very strict plan for weekends. we each get a decent lie in on one day (10am!) and then we play. Go to the park, etc. If we have to do chores, one of us plays with my son while the other one tidies up or shops. That means you do get some proper playing time.

chin up!

k

Why don't u turn the tv off and promise to keep it off, and do lots of reading to him? U still get to sit down and have a rest, but u will feel like you're actually doing something with him. Or put him in sling and take him for a walk and point out the moon and all that stuff. Walk will perk u up and again, make u feel more like the parent it sounds like u want to be. Ditto singing songs with a few actions. Post work slump is hard but if u force yourself to do stuff you will feel better. However even if u dont do that, your ds will be fine!! He will be happy to just to have you close! He's only 7months! When they start to toddle, that's when the real proactive stuff starts! Oh, and don't worry about ff! It wasn't your fault! All this parenting stuff is a massive learning curve!

I think you are being very tough on yourself and it is not your fault. The expectation of parenthood these days is completely unsustainable. You work nearly full time and are sleep deprived...you cannot do it all! I am a full time Mum at the moment (back to work part time in January) and I do not really "play" with my children. I read to them, cuddle them, talk to them, care for them, interact with them all day long but I am just not a "get down on the floor with the lego" type of Mother. I felt terribly guilty about this for ages and tried to muster up the enthusiasm to play but it just felt uncomfortable. My 10 month old and 2.5 year old (who goes to pre-school 3 mornings as week) and I are happiest when I am getting on with things and chatting to them while they play and explore around me. And the TV is on way more than 1 hour a day lol! I stopped feeling bad about this after watching an episode of Downton Abbey (of all things). When Maggie Smith said to Mary "well...there is more than one type of Good Mother" it struck a real chord with me and it is so true. He will be playing heaps at nursery, he will be loving the cuddles and interactions you are giving him. As he grows playing with him will happen naturally (it has with me, especially with my 2.5 year old).

You are doing a great job, you cannot do it all, be kind to yourself. If your baby knows they are loved they will be fine xx.

Stop feeling guilty and like you aren't good enough for him. You are, he's fine and you're just tired and overwhelmed with the first year of having a baby.

Don't feel guilty about BF.

I feel guilty because DC3 spends most of his time running around after his siblings pick ups. But he seems pretty happy.

After nursery I'm sure your DS enjoys a bit of tele. Or if you can face it a walk in the buggy.

Don't worry about NCT lot. Maybe they did judge, maybe you were projecting your own guilt. But friends are important - are there other things you can do? Then you can find a baby to play with yours while you get some company too?

Hugs to you I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had terrible PND and just couldn't muster the energy to do anything with DD.
TV was my friend, and guess what, she's 2 now and very advanced for her age, we play, read, paint, colour in and still watch tv!
Don't feel guilty, do you think our grandmothers sat and played with their multitudes of children? Lol!
Just make a point of doing something together on your days off, plan to go to the park, swimming etc and in tge evenings after work don't stress about entertaining him, babies are entertained by the world around them!

Please don't feel guilty, you really are doing a brilliant job.

Don't worry. There is no need to play that much. He will come to you and invite you to play. Leave toys on the floor. A play mat or something. Don't turn tv on. He won't mind as he is young. Sometimes toys need to be rotated and that might help him play longer. Don't worry it will get easier. It is hard when they are that young. Be kind to your self. Sometimes I pay a baby sitter to play with my toddler. Then I get on with other things. (You could do the same but have a lie down)

Ps I am sorry you had problems bf. it was not your fault you got bad advice. You can't know good/bad advice until you have been through it.

Is he really managing to watch hours of TV after nursery? Surely by the tea you've got in and with a bit of playing, tea, bath time etc, there's not actually that much time to watch TV?

I would take the pressure off on work nights - just make sure you do nice things at the weekends. Maybe keep weekend daytimes TV free?

Does he have much of an evening routine? I found a routine was great because you know that it ends! Also a good bedtime routine might help with his sleep.

I'm not sure how anyone manages to play with a 7 month old tbh. They have an attention span of about 30 seconds. I'm a SAHM to a 3 yr old and 9 mth old. I hardly play with either of them even though I'm with them all day. I chat to them, read books now and again but that's about it. 3 yr old suits himself while 9 mth old will sit and bang things about for about 5 mins before insisting on being carried about while I get some housework done (one handed!). I take them out once a day and that gives them plenty of stimulation. Chances are your little one is exhausted from nursery and just needs a quiet evening. Getting in his face trying to play with him will probably just lead to tears.

How are you feeling in general? You seem very down on yourself.

ApplySomePressure - we've all been there and are with you!

Ask yourself some simple questions:

The most important - is my DS loved and cherished? You know and I know that the answer is YES.

Will a bit of telly when you and DH are knackered do him any harm (after a stimulating day at nursery?) - NOPE

Have you failed your DS by not BF? - NOPE, you've provided FF nutrition delivered with the same level of maternal love that you'd have given via BF

Do you do stimulating things with DS at the weekend (even if it's just a walk in the park/family trip around Sainsburys)? - Bet you do!

Please don't beat yourself up. You're doing a grand job. DS has two loving, concerned DPs - it won't always be this hard, you won't always be this knackered. Just ride the wave, do the best you can for now and let CBeebies Bedtime Hour take the strain if you need it to. xxxx

Agree with previous posters - dont be too hard on yourselves.

You might feel better if you gently and gradually broke the telly on / slump on sofa cycle, but dont put huge amounts of pressure on or you'll just feel worse.

Does your baby like bath time? I used to have a bath with my baby at this age - at least one evening a week and as soon as I got in the door - so that I could relax in the (not hot enough, but bearable! ) water and feel like we had a little play and splash, without having to make any real effort.

Also, in my experience, the more you let children of any age become reliant on telly, the more it is the only thing they want. Could you try a DVD with nursery rhymes or something for a bit? Something with a defined end, so that once its over thats it - telly off and do something else.That way you might be able to start gradually cutting back on how much telly time your baby gets.

I would also suggest taking turns some evenings, so that one of you looks after the baby and does nothing else (bath, read, bit of play, bit of music or telly) and the other adult looks after their partner - cooks, washes up, runs them a bath when the baby has gone down etc. Having a clear idea of what you're doing that night (its my turn to focus on the baby / its my turn to do dinner etc) can help you feel less stressed, imo, rather than trying to do everything and struggling. Also, Switching things up a bit on certain evenings helps break the monotony and can stop you falling in to the same old bad habits day in day out.

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your replies.

yes, his keyworker always comments on how happy he is and how well he can play on his own. It seems it's only at home he constantly whinges...?

I am over sensitive at the moment. I seem to be taking everything personally. I'm convinced he loves his key worker more than me.!

DS is in nursery 8.30am until 4.30pm - but the nursery is a 35 minute drive from home. We chose a nursery close to work and our family. Living that far way from work and family is not helping, and we are moving in the next couple of weeks.

So by the time we are home, it's around 5pm and he's in bed for 6.30pm- which doesn't give us much time together. So he doesn't get to spend hours in front of the tv each night - but sometimes he can watch TV for long periods over the weekend whilst we are trying to pack for the move/get some peace/not cry out of sheer exhaustion :(

Maybe I do have PND? I was signed off work with depression a few years ago, and only stopped taking anti depressants whilst pregnant. Posters are right in that I am too hard on myself. I am very black and white - for example I will say to myself "Zero TV from now on" and then give in and turn it on - therefore feeling like a failure and total crap.

books are your friend. You can share them and you'll be "playing" with the voices and the pictures. Used to do this all the time when commuting and too shattered to "play". DD has always loved books...

you are being far too hard on yourself! of course you need your downtime after you've done a full days work.

at seven months i think a cuddle and just chattering to him as he plays is fine.

have you tried doing something like putting him in the highchair whilst youre in the kitchen? give him a few bits and pieces (plastic cookie cutter, spoon, bowl) let him plutter about, you can natter away to him while youre doing whatever you need to do, then when it's time for you to slump on the sofa he can watch a bit of tv or cuddle up beside you.

i think it sounds like you give him plenty of attention.

And the award for the best answer goes to . . . MrsDeVere

I agree with everything that has been said. Your baby is fine and you are being very hard on yourself.

I also work 4 days a week and have a slightly older child (15 months). I thought I would post our routine (on a work day) so you could see how normal you are:

Morning-
Get up when DS starts winging.
Put him in his chair and supply banana and milk. (Note: Very little chatting and interaction. It is morning. I am tired. I haven't had my cuppa yet.)
Get him changed and dressed
Deliver him to DH who is still in bed.
DS watches "In the Night Garden" on DH's Iphone, in our bed while I get ready and leave for work. (Note: DH even less interactive than me. It is morning. He hasn't had his Coffee yet)
DH delivers DS to childminder.

Evening-
Pick up DS from childminders.
Put him in front facing pushchair- no interaction!
Pick up whatever is reduced in the bakery section of ASDA on the way home- share with DS as home time snack.
Get home and put DS in his high chair- give him something to eat while I attempt to clean kitchen/get own food etc..
(Note- I would love to imagine that lots of chatting and interaction happens at this point. Realistically it does not. I am home from work and tired.)
Put DS on the floor to play with toys. Sit down beside him because otherwise he feels lonely and winges. TV is on in background to stop me dying of boredom.
Bath time and into night clothes
One episode of "In the Night Garden"
Last milk feed
Bed for DS
Immediately followed by- Bed for me as am bloody shattered. Always.

OP: Despite all you will read about how people are supposed to be interacting and playing with their DC all the time, the majority of people, when they are honest, are living like you and me.

You sound normal in my house love! I'd also wonder about pnd or just exhaustion. It all evens out in the end. I too plan to be perfect then drop short and berate myself. It's human. Dunno if that helps or not. I don't know any mums who plan their day as if they were a teacher. Life gets in the way. Wen teachers don't!

Even not wen. Agh

Dash is posting a routine that I think is honest and reflects how most of is are. You love your ds. He has you and dh around showing him love,security and routine. I doubt you are saying or doing nothing- you notice he is" bored" (fwiw most babies and young toddlers tire quickly of toys) so move him.

Please don't beAt yourself up about tv or ff. ignore the more sanctimonious posts on this - you are normal.

7 mo sleep is hell- can you go to bed ASAP for now? I promise it will pAss but needs must. It really does get easier .

Thank you everyone for your honest replies- I had an image in my head of the "perfect" parent and am constantly berating myself for not achieving it. I realise this is not healthy and is no good for DS or me.

There are some brilliantly honest answers here, it reminds me why I love MN.