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Original poster

Can anyone explain to dp what sleep deprivation feels like???

79 replies

Whattodowithaminute · 24/10/2013 18:58

Dp a loving kind man doesn't wake at all with our dc. Our ds2 is 6 mo currently a bit unwell with a cough etc and is up every 1-1 1/2 hours every night, he's been up like this for a few weeks now and I'm tired... Dp doesn't quite get it and I need to explain it in a different way... Anyone help??

OP posts:

waterrat · 25/10/2013 12:27

And I truly cannot understand how you can be two years into parenting and you have done every night waking - surely he wants to step in and help you ?

wem · 25/10/2013 13:03

Whattodo, assuming you are on maternity leave and are primary carer for your two dc, don't you think they deserve to have you in better shape than you are? Even if you do sleep lightly and stir when your dp gets up, you will spend less time awake than if you have to get up and engage brain to deal with dc.

How did your dp react when you explained how you are feeling?

Wigeon · 25/10/2013 13:41

I think the worst aspect is that you can never catch up on sleep. Before children, if you'd had a late night, or been woken by something in the night, you'd just be able to sleep late at the weekend, or go to bed early, or something, and then you'd feel better. But with children, it's relentless - the next night is the same (or worse), and you can never catch up on your sleep.

So it's the cumulative effect of sleep deprivation layered on more sleep deprivation that I found hard.

I also didn't like it when I genuinely started thinking (at 3am) that I could solve it all if I just threw the baby out of the (first floor) window. That's not "just feeling a bit tired".

Thank goodness mine are bigger (2 and 5) and now sleep 12 hours pretty much every night! It's bliss! I am still grateful every morning, having been through the sleep deprivation days. I hope you get there.

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purrtrillpadpadpad · 25/10/2013 13:47

Seconding the suggestion that your partner does at least one full night.

My DH does Friday nights, we split Sarurday night into a shift of 10pm-3am and 3am-8am so we each get the opportunity for a block of sleep. By Sunday I actually start to feel alright. Of course by Thursday I'm a wreck but I always have a guaranteed rest.

It's still not enough and my physical and mental health is being damaged by sleep deprivation whilst he is absolutely fine. Which is totally what you want to be living with, right?

havingastress · 25/10/2013 14:06

So I think you need to book into a hotel for a few nights and let him take the reins. Lovely and generous of you to ensure he's firing on all cylinders, but surely it would be better for you both to be 75%, than him 100% and one of you on your knees?!

I'm guessing he works, and you don't? Well then. His coherent hours are wasted with his work colleagues! Let him be a little tired. Let you be a little less tired I say. Good luck!

CreatureRetorts · 25/10/2013 14:25

Stop being a martyr Whattodo. Your DH can and should be helping out!

When I had dc2, DH took over the nights for dc1 who was still waking. He offers to step in and does a lot so I can get more rest.

NaturalBaby · 25/10/2013 14:48

Why should you be the one that goes through hell as the only one dealing with sleep deprivation? Don't you deserve more than that as well? As you have realised, it's hard to be the mum you want to be when you feel like crap.

The only way I coped with it was to get my dc's into a strict routine so we all had an afternoon sleep - I had 3 under 3's and still managed an afternoon sleep when ds1 was 3 1/2!

LeggyBlondeNE · 25/10/2013 15:05

Er maybe the baby is feeding at every waking? Maybe she can't express.

That's why I do all the sodding night time stuff in our house...

humphryscorner · 25/10/2013 15:42

whattodo I understand what you mean about being awake so you might as well do it..... I took that stance too - for a while.

BUT and it's a massive but, you need to look after your self. I slept in the couch down stairs one night , the first time dh got up to dd I was a wake the whole time, he managed , I went back off. I slept like the dead after that. Having 6 hours unbroken sleep was a revelation .
Mon- thurs I generally do night feeds unless dd is fussing bad and we will take it in turns but come friends-sat night dd is in dh possession .
It's unfair on you and unnessasary to do it all.

humphryscorner · 25/10/2013 15:43

Fri-sat night!

wem · 25/10/2013 15:44

LeggyBlondeNE, that's possible, and certainly why I did all the wakings with dd1, she never took a bottle. But the OP has been back and given some reasons why DP doesn't help at night, and hasn't mentioned it, even though it would make it a very straightforward decision, so I'd assume it's not down to feeding.

LeggyBlondeNE · 25/10/2013 16:31

Ah I thought she was responding to the suggestion she make him wake up with her! That's what I offered to do so my DH could understand what I was dealing with. Funnily enough he declined my offer...!

Oblomov · 25/10/2013 16:43

I think it is almost impossible to explain. Even when you stay up late studying or partying, when young. That is different.
It's the persistentness.
If a man had to bf again and again and deal with constant crying and then get up and get older child to school etc.
for 30 / 60 days , he might have a modicum of understanding.

wem · 25/10/2013 17:11

Oh I see what you mean Leggy, apologies if I've misread OP. Yes, I've seen suggestions that DHs should be up while the baby's feeding to show some kind of solidarity, I'm not surprised your DH wasn't keen!

Doodlekitty · 25/10/2013 18:18

Like a hangover that never goes away combined with the unpleasant drunkness that leaves you slightly confused and uncoordinated.

Twighlightsparkle · 25/10/2013 18:23

Sleep deprivation, worst for me, was after 11 nights of v v little sleep, ie at worst none at best less than an hour a night, in a children's hospital.

First there is inability to think clearly, then the drunk feeling then the hallucinations.

waterrat · 25/10/2013 18:43

Even if baby is breast feeding - that can't explain two years of him never helping at night - I just can't understand that - my partner does a lot of the settling even while I was bf and particularly when weaning from breast feeding

Original poster

Whattodowithaminute · 25/10/2013 18:50

Ds2 is an ebf bottle refuser like ds1 was. He won't take a dummy and most of the time we co sleep, last night (after my meltdown) dp did all of the resettles until midnight, and I was awake through them all but at least he realised he could do them which I think was quite empowering for him. The quickest way to get him (ds) back to sleep is to feed and what we have been doing although I appreciate this has created much of the problem with frequent wakings. I have already had dinner this evening with the boys so heading to bed as soon as they do to try and get a block in as that always is like a magic pill...

OP posts:

waterrat · 25/10/2013 20:11

Op I do know the pain - I was in the situation with my 6 month old of feeding to resettle all night long - it's a vicious circle and I found that the way we stopped it was dp resettling and then ds did start sleeping longer stretches ...

ILoveCwtches · 26/10/2013 07:20

Glad to help Whattodo. This thread is actually helping me out, too.

Dd currently screams if DP goes to her in night, not me. We have a 1 bedroomed flat and her cot is pushed up next to my side of bed, so almost co-sleeping. Think we need to get her more used to him settling her, when I'm not feeding her.

Hope you've had some sleep!

NationMcKinley · 26/10/2013 07:33

Cardinal MN sin of not reading the whole thread but in a rush and had to wade in. I'm very sleep deprived at the moment plus I'm a shift worker. I'd describe sleep deprivation as a combination of a hangover and a mild fluey bug; fuzzy head, sore eyes and sinuses, achey joints, slight queasiness, feeling emotional and a headache. It bloody sucks! Hope you got some sleep last night I buggering well didn't

JollyScaryGiant · 26/10/2013 07:47

Some days I used to wish I was involved in a minor car accident. Involving a broken leg. So that I could spend 2 days in hospital.

sandyballs · 26/10/2013 07:49

I'd forgotten how bad this can be as my twin DDs are now 12.

Hideous and my DH didn't do much at night either as he had two day jobs so I could have a year off work.

I remember seriously considering walking in front of a car so I could get a few days rest in hospital, not serious injuries, just a break or two and concussion to keep me in for a while.

Or shoplifting so I could spend a night in a cell and just sleep.

Seems madness reading that back but I think sleep deprivation is a form of madness.

Just think .... it will get better.

sandyballs · 26/10/2013 07:50

How funny jolly! Cross post.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 26/10/2013 07:51

I felt like I was in a bubble, always close to tears, my ears buzzed, I wasn't as co-ordinated and I never felt clean, actually I felt dirty, not sure why, but I did.

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