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Original poster

Can anyone explain to dp what sleep deprivation feels like???

79 replies

Whattodowithaminute · 24/10/2013 18:58

Dp a loving kind man doesn't wake at all with our dc. Our ds2 is 6 mo currently a bit unwell with a cough etc and is up every 1-1 1/2 hours every night, he's been up like this for a few weeks now and I'm tired... Dp doesn't quite get it and I need to explain it in a different way... Anyone help??

OP posts:
BeaWheesht · 24/10/2013 19:45

I saw a woman today pushing a pram with her eyes closed :(

Sleep deprivation for me makes me feel light headed and sick but also always hungry. I can't focus on anything, I can't think coherently, I don't care about anything other than survival.

When ds was little I used to genuinely panic that my eyes would close one day and I wouldn't be able to open them again because the muscles in my eyelids had packed in.

It also makes me feel like I can't cope with anytbing - like I'm at my limit and anything else will literally kill me.

It's basically torture.

NorbertDentressangle · 24/10/2013 19:47

The problem is he won't have any idea of what it's like unless he does it night, after night, after night, after night....

Just a few nights won't give him that utterly horrendous dawning realisation that there isn't a defined end or set day that he will be able to sleep again. I think the inability to see an end to it was one of the worst elements.

Before having children I worked as a residential social worker that involved ridiculously long shifts including 'sleep-ins' where often you wouldn't get any sleep but still be expected to work 8 hours the next day. At the time I thought I was tired and sleep deprived.... little did I know what lay ahead with children!

joeymacc · 24/10/2013 19:47

When our little one was in our room, I eventually stopped going out of the room to settle her, and now she's in her own room, I don't turn the monitor off... So DH can share :)

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Scarymuff · 24/10/2013 19:50

He doesn't get it? Or he doesn't care?

ILoveCwtches · 24/10/2013 19:55

I know I've had a worse night than usual (and I generally get no more than 2.5hrs in a row with 6mo dd), when the carpet and all other soft furnishings look like they have a fuzzy layer on top. A bit like the static you used to get when your tv wasn't tuned in properly. On those days I don't drive.

I don't get DP up to help much, as dd is an ebf bottle refuser. If I'd woken him to change her nappy in the night, when that was necessary, it would have taken more effort than doing it quickly myself and rocking her back to sleep. He just gets up with her on weekends, so that I can have an hour or two.

NaturalBaby · 24/10/2013 20:05

How on earth has he gone through 6months of parenting a baby without sleep deprivation?!?

HearMyRoar · 24/10/2013 20:15

When dd started to sleep 3-4 hours at a time I remarked to a colleague at work that things seems to have quietened down a bit and how nice it was not to have so much work. They looked at me like I had gone stark raving mad and I realised that the work hadn't reduced at all, I had just had some sleep. It was sort of magical.

mummyxtwo · 24/10/2013 20:20

For me, it means I can't drive as I literally cannot keep my eyes open at the wheel. Despite the fact my children are the most precious cargo I could carry, I could easily just close my eyes and have a snooze while driving. Motorways are impossible. I've had to cancel appointments because I knew I wasn't safe to drive. I've never had that problem prior to having dc, despite being a doctor and working long oncalls in hospital and driving home at 3am. Dd2 has been through a bad sleep phase for weeks and my head has felt like it is stuffed with cotton wool. I live off coffee. Sometimes I do daft things like put socks in the toilet instead of the laundry bin and put crockery away in the fridge.

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/10/2013 20:22

I feel sick if I don't get enough sleep.

OTOH I am the heavy sleeper, so to ensure DH didn't get up all the time he would move to a bedroom where he couldn't hear the DS's and I would get up. It was the only way to ensure I got up and he slept

MrsGeologist · 24/10/2013 20:24

Just tell him if he thinks it's so fucking easy, then he can do it.

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/10/2013 20:25

oh and I have sat and cried feeding a baby DS at night. I have 2 DC and it is about as much as I can cope with. Those broken nights are a killer and DH fared far worse than me!

purrtrillpadpadpad · 24/10/2013 20:29

Oh yeah, not being safe to drive.

Sleep deprivation is downplayed. Those who have grown children look at me like I'm an entitled idiot when I guiltily admit I haven't driven for weeks because I don't feel safe to drive.

That's another thing. The guilt. My DH is always on at me for stifling our DD and not 'socialising' her and even recently told me we'd get rid of my car because we obviously didn't need it. The exhaustion is so terrible. It's disabling. Another horrible layer is added to the top when those around you don't know/don't care how hard it is. Being threatened with losing my car if I don't start using it when I personally feel very unsafe driving. I did tell him to do one, several weeks later, when my brain had eventually formulated a reply.

purrtrillpadpadpad · 24/10/2013 20:31

Oh, the lack of empathy. The blank stare when you're crying into your coffee in the morning because you want to die. How marriages survive children, I have no idea.

I'm not having another one.

FamiliesShareGerms · 24/10/2013 20:37

I have always thought that sleep deprivation would be a useless method of torture for anyone who has had children...

I get slightly woozy when I haven't had enough sleep. A bit like being drunk and hangover at the same time.

strawberriesandplumbs · 24/10/2013 20:49

Dd1 didn't sleep more than 2 to 3 hours a night until she was three. She's now 15 and I have a real fear of sleep deprivation. If I go out for the evening I need to have a taxi pre booked, I calculate my bed time to get eight hours every night. Basically the memories have stayed with me in a bad way and probably will forever. I can see why it is a very effective form of torture.

Scarymuff · 24/10/2013 20:51

OP are you going to show your dp this thread?

CreatureRetorts · 24/10/2013 20:56

Why should you have to explain? You're not getting enough sleep, end of.

I had awful sleep deprivation with number 1. Thought it couldn't get any worse until dc2 arrived. My god it's hard but at least now it's nowhere as bad as when she was a baby (now 22 months).

havingastress · 24/10/2013 20:59

Why doesn't he share the duties? Sorry. Don't understand why you'd have to explain it to him, selfish sod!

NaturalBaby · 24/10/2013 21:14

Just realised this is ds2...he's a loving man but he doesn't get how tired you are Hmm.

So he's seen you go through pregnancy and childbirth, twice, get through the newborn baby phase, twice, and he still doesn't get it?
My DH is very loving and understanding, also 'didn't get it'. I put my foot down and explained in no uncertain terms that I was feeling like shit and struggling to get through the day. It wasn't that difficult to get my point across.

humphryscorner · 24/10/2013 21:43

purr. Flowers

mousmous · 24/10/2013 21:48

yes, make him get up.
or book yourself into a hotel for one night and just sleeeeeeeeeeeep. one full night makes such a difference.

rosiedays · 24/10/2013 22:50

BW that was me :)
Dd3 is only 3 months. . It's been approximately 90 nights of broken sleep. I'm exhausted and the end is a distant glimmer of light right now. You ladies describe it so well. I don't drive anymore and I can't remember my card pin. I've forgotten both mine and dd names (which is embarrassing) and i hurt all over every joint and muscle, my skin, my skull and my nails ( my hair hair is falling out)and i ran out of foundation weeks ago.
But i know it does pass eventually and today when dd was gazing at autumn leaves in the rain all was forgiven. A beautiful moment :)
praying we all get at least 4 hours tonight,
And sprinkling lovely sleep dust over all the babies. :)

Spongebobbigpants · 25/10/2013 00:37

It's the most awful thing- my ds2 didn't start to sleep well until he was 6 months and in the first 8 weeks he would be awake from midnight to 5am every night crying. I had to get up at 6.30am to get ds1 sorted for school so I was getting by on 3 hours sleep a night. I was constantly shaking with tiredness, my nerves were in tatters because I was so anxious about the night times and I couldn't eat, I was always cold. It was a really depressing time and took away the enjoyment of my much longed for ds2 :(

Original poster
Whattodowithaminute · 25/10/2013 11:24

Thanks to all for your suggestions, its weird when I realise some of the physical things I'm feeling on a daily basis are a result of poor sleep. What has been useful is that I've felt confident to outline these feelings as a result of poor and broken sleep to dp.

Incidentally there are a range of reasons I don't feel it's appropriate to wake him up all night long, I feel this is bad enough that one of us goes through it and I sleep so lightly that I will be awake anyway. We have a toddler to deal with as well and it's not fair on him that both his parents are barely coherent, short tempered and lacking any zest. Ultimately he deserves more than that. You are right of course, the only way dp will truly understand is to put him through it but this is not the result of one night, it's probably the result of two years, with the last 6 months being an acute episode, and there's no way he needs to be up for that many nights to prove my point. What I expect from him (rightly or wrongly) is to identify that sleep and rest are a problem for me at the moment and therefore he should be giving me some chance to rest during the weekends or his days off.

Ultimately last night I flipped my lid good and proper and explained how I was feeling, emotionally and physically. Many of the posts on here ( wem susieloo ophio barberry Sleepyfish humphrys purr lookslikerain turkey jimi dobats nightlark Bumble bea ilovecwtches Sponge rosie) really did help put that into words and context, thank you. I fully appreciate we are far from the worst extreme of sleep deprivation, what some people go through is hideous.

I understand when people say they can't have another because of sleep deprivation. Ds1 didn't sleep through the night until 15mo when in desperation (5mo pregnant with unplanned ds2 and back at work). we did CIO which worked incredibly effectively (I know not for everyone or every child, really don't think it will work with ds2 who would just cry until he vomits...) This was my fear about having a second and it is quickly becoming a reality.

OP posts:
waterrat · 25/10/2013 12:26

I think you need him to do the nights at least once a week - then you would have some recovery time - I don't agree that it's better that only you are exhausted - you wouldn't be do on the edge if he shared the burden