Attachment Parenting

[oldhippymum]

Just wondered if anyone else is interested in attachment parenting- although it wasn't called this when i had my first 13 years ago!!

Has anyone else resd the Continuum concept by Jean Liedloff and Three in a bed- Deborah Jackson?

Its all about parenting by being very child led and keeping your child close to you, ie extended breast feeding, co sleeping, no smacking or shouting, not leaving babies to cry etc?

When i had my first two sons 13 and 11 years ago I knew a few people who parented in this way, but since having my daughter 7, and 3rd child 17 months, I can't seem to find anyone else who parents in this way-my fault for being greedy and having too many children i guess!

then i discovered the internet!!!!!!!

Anyone else parent like me?

or am i alone in a world of Gina Ford- NOT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GINA FORD TO EACH THEIR OWN Maybe I'm the only old hippy left on the block!!

To anyone who's interested in attachment parenting of older children. Have you read Jesper Juul and "Your competent child"? I recommend it to everyone who has contributed on this thread an take an interest in more child-led parenting.

HMC, in theory, because attachment children have had most of their needs met from birth, they are actually less needy and demanding in the long run. Parent and child are used to functioning together as a team, so shopping and other boring, non-child focused tasks are theoretically easier and more pleasant.

I was a bit offended by the comments earlier about the 2 year old who "ruled the roost". So what if he had never slept a night in his own room? So what if he asked to be breastfed frequently? This doesn't have any bearing on his behaviour, it just means he has been allowed to have the comfort of his parents' bed and to breastfeed for longer than most children. A child isn't naughty or nasty because they ask to be breastfed.

thanks for tittle fairymum, am also keen on reading the social toddler.
about the child centred approach, i just think its just about making sure you include your child in the things that you do.

i have worked with adults who have LD and 'challenging behaviour' for years and it always amazes me that parents of 3yr olds say they cant control them! i mean realy if a person centred approach works with adults why should it not work with your own child?

I too have come across some attachment extemists who give the parenting style a bad name.

Some examples ...

Mums who turn up to meet your an hour late and offer the explanation, 'You know how it is. Baby O'clock.'

Mum's who think it's fine to allow their kids to express themselves by snatching all the toys whilst shouting 'mine!' and interupring adult conversation whenever they fancy.

I know one mum who used to get up in the middle of the night and watch Bob the Builder videos because her two year old wanted to.

Some mums forget that their own needs have to be met too. It's a partnership, but some are raising mini dictators.

Spidermama. That's not attachment parenting. It's masochism.

spiderama i thinks that is called cant be ars*d parenting, kinda middle class equivalent of let them be weaned on crisps

Couldn't not respond to the comments about the 2 year old who ruled the roost etc. - having a badly behaved child with no boundries is nothing to do with attachment parenting.

"child led" does not mean walked all over, or having no rules. My daughter is 2, she is very well-behaved, she helps mummy with housework, she says thankyou, she is trilingual and has a routine!

I don't think attachment parenting is about indulging your children and letting them rule the roost. I think it's a child-centred approach in that you give your child more of a voice within the family and communication and mutual understanding is very important to you. I typically don't think you use naughty steps, time outs or star charts, but spend more time and effort in teaching your child how to deal with and understand their feelings and resolving conflict. It doesn't mean your child doesn't have boundaries, bedtime or that yuou should co-sleep even if it meant that you personnaly didn't get a good nights ssleep at all. I also the The Sears who had many children developed this concept because they had a child (not their first) who was a very clingy child who wanted to be carried and held all the time. They realised some children ar ejust born like that and would respond better to a different type of parenting. My children have all been like that, but then I think other children would respond much better to Gina Ford and supernanny -style parenting. So I dn't think it's necessarily right to say that children whose parents practise attachment parenting are necessarily more secure or happy.

footprint if you read my earlier posts you'll see that I agree and consider myself an attachment parent. I was merely pointing out that there are people who mess up whatever style of parenting they're following.

sorry meant spidermama

Fairymum, thanks for that explanation

think it has to be what you are happy with. I have always been laid back, when at work (am a teacher) or at home. Its me, the way I work. I tried the Gina Ford way as I was floundering after having dd1, and it almost landed me in hospital with severe pnd - I threw the book out and within days was ok again, with the way I had been doing it (was still depressed, but I coped in my own way)).
Parenting is something that people are always going to disagree about. I have always been a laid back, sort ot manana/whwnwver sort of person. So AP suited me, as well as fitting in with my bf attitude (as long as possible). We have riends who were never going to cope with anything other than the full GF/routine treatment - it suited their family. At 6yrs, my dd1 copes superbly with life, her family situation, school etc. I thinka bit better than her freinds raised on a routine, but probably theu think otherwise.
My kids are healthy, smart, flexible and content. SO I am too. Its really a case of whatever floats you boat. AP did it for me, GF did it for my friend.

"What if you have to do something that is not child centered [...] what do you do in those circumstances? "

A nice way I've seen it explained is that you have to put your relationship with the child first, i.e. is it worth a temporary hiccup in our relationship? If you take that moment to think about it and then decide that yes, it needs doing, then that's fine. But many parents say "no" before they say "yes", and then look for reasons why they said "no" (and you can then actually find quite a lot to back up your decision).

Another aspect that feels right for me is being flexible and going back on a decision you've made or something you've said. It can be seen as being inconsistent but can also be seen as a learning experience for the child that you can change your mind without losing face, you can be persuaded, you can give.

Re the comment about attachment raised children ruling the roost- Boundaries and attachment parenting are entirely compatible. I have never had any problem with setting boundaries for my kids- just never needed to smack or scream at them!!

I think people get confused about meeting a child's needs and spoiling them- my children all know that I am always available for them, for a cuddle, a chat whatever. If I'm on the phone however, they sometimes need to waut. Attachment parenting builds a relationship based on trust and explanation so boundary setting is vey easy.

The beauty of this parenting style is the relationship it builds with your children. the amount of people i know who say their kids never talk to them- we can't shut ours up!

Attachment parenting makes for a very happy family life.

my reading on this subject came when I had my oldest 13 years ago and realised that it felt right to co sleep, etc then i discovered Deborah Jackson and Jean Liedloff and found a parenting style to suit what I was already doing. I've never read Sears- does he extend the theory?

One of my friends told me it took her 6 month old 3 hours to cry herself to sleep the other night.

I cannot imagine the terror that child went through.

Controlled crying is harmful to a child I really do believe that.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in a world of Gina- VERY popular in my circle

"I've never read Sears- does he extend the theory? "

I don't like Sears at all. I've read one of his books - not a lot of "theory", more of a manual really. I find the writing quite patronising. I didn't like his website either, he sells his own make of slings and promotes a lullaby tape.

I'm more AP than I admit on here, I think.

Admit's the wrong word. Mention, I think.

Admit makes it sound like I'm ashamed of it! I'm bloody not

Personally I'm loud and proud to be AP

I love it when I;m talking to a couple of mums who let their kids scream themselves to sleep, then slap the little blighters when they're grumpy during the day,

AND THEY MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE ODD MOTHER

OHM (loving the abbreviation of your name, btw - v fitting!) - I would be loud and proud but enough people think I'm a smug fecker already

Oh, and I think it's possible to do it with a small gap, btw. I have 21m between mine.

Having said that, DS1 is particularly "mature" for his age. But is that because of the way he is or the way he's parented? Age-old question, to which there is no answer, I think!

I'm broadly with FairyMum am attracted to AP but work full-time and DS is at nursery (he's very attached to the manager there totally in love with her and I like that because she'll be a constant presence throughout his time there). Use slings in preference to pushchairs, extended breastfeeding, used to cosleep until he stopped sleeping that way, lots of in-touch-with-your-feelings stuff, don't shout, won't smack. But I don't like pigeonholing myself into a "style" more read around the subject, then try to do what seems right in a consistent manner.

i do most AP stuff and am very proud of it, i can never leave my baby to cry. the only thing i dont do is a sling due to still having weak back from carrying the big bugger for 9 months. i have thought of getting one but ds is 7 months now, is this too late to start using a sling? im abit bothered that my ds wont be settled init as hes starting to want to move around

Reckon he might be a bit old for a sling, gret for early months but they get bloody heavy after a while don't they?

yeah they do, he was 9lb 1oz at birth and now hes just over 20lb. this morning someone asked if he was 9 months. i'll probably stick to the pushchair or my hip seat then

I discovered AP though Sears, love the conpcet which reminds me of the way my mum brough me up.
However, what I liked the most with his book is the underlying idea that YOU need to do what is working best for YOUR family. Of course, co-sleeping is better but if it drives you mad or baby keeps waking up than change it. And the same for bf.
For me AP is NOT a set number of things to do (co-sleeping, real napies, sling etc ...) but a way to relate to your child.
I think that the most important is how caring and considerate you are towards you child. Being there for your child and having the right response compare to his age.
It is interresting when you read some of the books from Sears to realise that he is not against routine, especially to put a child in bed in the evening. That he will encourage independance from an early age and would find normal for a 2 years old to do some of the 'housework' such as putting his plate in the dishwasher after his meal.
So yes I won't leave my child crying and do nothing about it. I will give him as many cuddles as he accepts, carrying him at the end of the day when he obvioulsy needs a cuddle and some 'IN' time.
BUT I do have a routine (Going to bed, meal times). I will leave DS2, now 13 months, for a bit to settle first when going to bed.

I think that by doing that I now have 2 confident & attached children because I have respected their own needs and respected my family own needs (ie mine but also my husband's and our family needs)