Attachment Parenting

[oldhippymum]

Just wondered if anyone else is interested in attachment parenting- although it wasn't called this when i had my first 13 years ago!!

Has anyone else resd the Continuum concept by Jean Liedloff and Three in a bed- Deborah Jackson?

Its all about parenting by being very child led and keeping your child close to you, ie extended breast feeding, co sleeping, no smacking or shouting, not leaving babies to cry etc?

When i had my first two sons 13 and 11 years ago I knew a few people who parented in this way, but since having my daughter 7, and 3rd child 17 months, I can't seem to find anyone else who parents in this way-my fault for being greedy and having too many children i guess!

then i discovered the internet!!!!!!!

Anyone else parent like me?

or am i alone in a world of Gina Ford- NOT THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH GINA FORD TO EACH THEIR OWN Maybe I'm the only old hippy left on the block!!

Attachment parenting sounds incredibly hard work - is that fair comment?

Don't think it would have been viable for me (mine are 2.3 and 3.11 so 21 months apart)....

Interesting to read about a different perspective on parenting however...

HMC, it's only hard work if it doesn't come naturally to you I suppose. I did what felt right, which is the easiest thing to do. I would find any other method very hard work because it didn't come naturally.

I get angry when people who would like to follow attachment parenting methods get put off by well-meaning eejits who say they'll spoil their kids and they're making a rod for their own back etc etc.

handlemecarefully - I actually found it much LESS work. for example, as my dd has always slept next to me and I have bfed, I have NEVER had to get up in the night! People used to ask if she sleeps through the night and I had to say "I think so" because I can feed her without really waking up. I prefered a sling to pushchair as we don't have a car, always travelling on the train (we live in Switzerland, so this is viable ) although now she is 11kg, I use the pushchair mostly.

However, I only have one, and with 2 so close together, it would have been a lot different. I think this is a case of the best way is YOUR way, if you see what I mean.

It was definitely the easy thing for me too. Like some of the other posters here I didn't know it was called AP until I read a Dr Sears (may he be worshipped forever) book. Until then I was feeling very insecure about what I was doing with dd (all child-led) but Dr sears gave me the confidence to let all of the 'rod for your own back' comments wash over me.

I suppose I am a bit of an attachment parent. Really I just see it as meeting ds' needs. I am still bf him at 15mths because he needs it. He doesn't like being in the buggy for any great length of time so I often carry him around. And we co-sleep for part of the night because that is the only way we all get some sleep!

When ds was just born, I was open to all schools of parenting thought, even considered the idea of 'routines' to begin with As ds has been, shall I say, a rather 'demanding' baby, it has made me realise that babies are not blank canvasses, that can all be squeezed into a 'one-size-fits-all' routine. I am really glad of that, and if I have any more children, I will definitely use more of the 'attachment' principles from earlier on. As long as they suit the baby of course!

Reading books like Three in a Bed have made me feel like I am not a freak for doing things the way I do. Which is only after all, the way I need to do things for my baby to be happy. Although, Foundintranslation, what you said about feeling inadequate after reading her books did strike a chord with me. She did say though in one of her books that she had once started to panic that her daughter was not conforming to one of the parenting manuals she had been consulting. That's when she realised she was relying on the book too much, as she was not using her instincts alongside the 'ideals' of how to make her daughter happy.

As Oldhippy mum says, we do not have to be perfect; but I don't think it is possible or even desirable to be a purist in any form of parenting. You don't have to feel guilty because you use a buggy, despite the fact that you co-sleep for example. You just follow your instincts and do what is right for your family

I come from a family where the normal parenting style is formula feeding, routines from as early as possible, leaving babies to "cry it out", smacking, and children having a "healthy fear" of their parents and knowing their place - eg, parents eat steak, kids eat tinned meatballs .

When my children were very little my parenting style was a sort of muddled hybrid series of compromises, because I wanted to hold them constantly, never let them cry etc, and my mother/family just sneered and made remarks. I gave up breastfeeding much sooner than I wanted to because of similar pressure, and grieved over it. When ds1 got to be a bigger toddler/proper little boy, I came under pressure to be more disciplinarian and was constantly being criticised for "negotiating too much", "letting him argue" and not "putting my foot down". I don't shout and I will never smack.

Luckily for other reasons I don't see my mother at all now, and I am now parenting my boys in a way which is much more comfortable for me, but I still feel guilty and rather angry that I didn't know enough to stand up for what I wanted to do when they were tiny. I still get "remarks" from other family members too, especially MIL, but to be honest I couldn't give a rat's ass any more. It sounds pathetic but finding MN has been a big part of it. I just didn't know other mums believed the same things as me, I thought my preferences just meant I was weak and daft and a rotten parent, and that my children would grow up spoilt and nasty because I didn't "show them who's boss".

Sorry, this is probably totally the wrong place for a rant like this, but I just wanted to share it with people who understand - as Spidermama says, it's awful that some parents don't do what they would naturally do because of outside pressure. I feel like a real tw@t for letting it happen.

i'd rather slit my wrists with a blunt fork

presidentcustard-exactly what was your comment about? The general idea of attachment parenting? Or something more specific?

no just generally

Ah well, each to their own.

indeed

A friend of ours and his wife believe in attachment parenting and they give it a bad name.
Their ds was two when I was 6 months pg with our ds and we went to stay. He completely ruled the roost and ran wild since he had absolutely no boundaries. He'd never slept in his own room, never slept during the day and he was continually asking to be bf.
Completely horrified us and made our minds up that we were going to lay down a few simple ground rules from the start.

I'm with custardo on this one, although maybe I have just been put off by some of the parents I have seen. I did use a sling, ds was on breastmilk until 13 months and we spend a lot of time with him. But, I think Dr. Sears is totally whacked and some of my worst moments of mothering came after trying to follow his recommendations. Ds slept in a co-sleeper for 6 months then moved into a crib. His room is separate but very close to ours. Alternatively, I have a friend who is still co-sleeping with her 2 year old, although rarely actually gets any sleep, she did wean him recently as he was still bfing almost continuously through the night but now feels she has to submit to 15 minutes of painful nipple tweaking before he will settle down.

Sorry, not for me.

I'm a fan of attachment parentingam in the 'it just felt right' camp! I was brought up in a very non-child focussed way, ie, left to cry everything out and dumped in the garden for hours on end in all weathers. Was ill a lot as a child and developed depression and an eating disorder. Determined that DS would not be raised the same way. So, bf until he decided he didn't want it any more (15mths), sling/hippychick seat more than pushchair, sleeping in our bed whenever he fancied it. He was a very happy baby and has grown into a sociable and confident 5 year-old. It's all about tuning into their needs as an individual and not applying a rigid formula, imo. New baby might prefer cot/pushchair/hate bfwe'll see!

I think it was oliver james (is that his name) who said that it doesn't matter if a parent is strict or lax, as long as they are consistent.

I think what I find difficult about all this is the classification of ourselves into types of parents. I am always carrying ds (and at 22lbs) that is no joke) particularly when he doesn't want to stay in the pushchair and I can't let him walk because it is unsafe. Yet I have no problems with a reasonally flexible routine from quite a young age (say 6 months old).

I don't equate a crying baby with them being ignored but I only have the experience of 1 ds and it seemed to me that the amount ds cried was sometimes in inverse proportion to the amount I held/cuddled him him.

I always go to him if he cries (though I may wait a max of 2-3 mins to see what happens if he is settling to sleep). I still carrying him round and round trying to get him to sleep at night, yet co-sleeping is completley off the cards for me. In the early days we tried it but it seemed to make ds's sleep (and mine) worse. Nowadays ds would love to co-sleep but the pain of breastfeeding would mean I got no sleep at all at night - so I suppose that is a parent-led decision.

I work becuse I want to not because have to yet I believe I am child led in most of my parenting while still understanding that when it comes down to it I am the boss. Can you have an AP parent with an authoritarian slant? - See my problem?

Still it is nice to see so many people talking about a more child led way of parenting.

Agree re consistency. It's not about 'no rules' (referring to the post about the child who ruled the roost). We all need boundaries--it's the way in which they are applied that counts.

Also although I was very into attachment-style when dd was young, she has slept in her own bed since she was nearly two and I never let her sleep with me now. She has fairly strict bedtimes and is not allowed to wake me up before 7 in the morning.
I think different ages need different approaches-- babies don't respond well to boundaries, but 6 year olds definitely need them.

What's child led parenting?

I can understand it in a feeding, weaning, sleeping situation but how does it apply to other aspects of behaviour & development?

hi i do attatchment parenting as much as i can, i was doing most of the principles before i found out it was a type of parenting, was so glad it was. i like dr sears too. i have had the rod for own back comments from friends and family and most of them dont agree with co sleeping, but hey, hes my baby. do use a pushchair as still got weak back from pregnancy and ds is quite heavy for age (7m). have thought about getting a sling but not sure if he would take to it now at this age as hes alot more interested in fidgeting etc. any ideas?

we are fans as well, our dd is nearly 13m and it has worked well. both my niece and nephew, now teens were brought up this way.
i stayed at home for a year and now dh is at home, this was a decisions we made long ago, not to send to nursery before at least 3yr. we are taking it slowly not sure who will stay home in 6m time

regarding discipline i think it is important to build first a relationship of trust. and certainly children need boundaries which are consistent and sensible.

my MIL keeps saying we are spoiling dd and that she will be clingy and 'a wimp' could not be further from the truth, she is very gregarious easy going and confident

Hi sfxmum, your post made me laugh because I used to get that comment re "wimp" but nothing could be further from the truth.
I think people seem to think that new parents (or at least in our case) are fair game!

I totally agree with you about trust preceding boundaries. It's a different mindset entirely from the one most of us grew up under. My mother actually used to say "I don't care why he does it - out of fear is fine - but he's bloody well GOING to do it". I think the views expressed on here are a welcome departure from that attitude

This sounds like a facetious question - but it really is a genuine one. What if you have to do something that is not child centered - such as a shopping errand, housework etc (i.e things that detract from giving your child positive attention and things that they may not enjoy) - what do you do in those circumstances?

Doesn't sound facetious at all. There are very few things which can't be adapted to include your child though, if you really enjoy their company and are prepared to slow down the pace of your life a bit to accommodate them. Children can help with shopping by having a little list or being asked to carry a particulr "important" item, or to remind Mummy not to forget certain things. They can "help" with housework too, if you think ahead a bit.

Not that I am bloody perfect by any means, in fact I am a grumpy old witch a lot of the time and some of the real "attachment parents" on here put me to shame It's an ideal, though. To me, anyway.