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Original poster

Leaving 8 week old with grandparents?

24 replies

Dh2812 · 22/09/2013 22:20

My little one is 8 weeks old and she hasn't been away from me or dh so far. My in laws keep asking me and dh if they can help by looking after baby. Initially they have been suggesting they look after her for 2-3 hours, but in the last week they have been suggesting that they look after her for the whole day, at their house 25 minutes drive away so i can have some time to myself. They have also suggested that they make this a regular weekly arrangement.

I'm really not happy with this but wanted to understand if i'm being a bit precious about this? At what age did people leave their babies with grandparents and for how long?

Whilst it would be nice to have some time to go to gym/sleep once in a while I think 8 weeks is just too young for this sort of arrangement, not to mention the distance, time away and feeding issues (bf). It's probably also best to mention that this isn't about access to baby as they see baby at least once a week already.

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hettienne · 22/09/2013 22:23

If your baby is breastfed then I can't see how it would be practical to leave her for a whole day or overnight.

If you're not happy about this then don't do it - it won't benefit your baby or you, so why do it?

pommedechocolat · 22/09/2013 22:24

Do you want time to yourself? If not then, well, no. They can wait for mil to play mummy.

MintyDiamonds · 22/09/2013 22:27

It's a very personal choice, if you feel comfortable and the baby is content away from you then fine otherwise no! For me, my dd is 6 months old and I still don't leave her for more than an hour or 2 (she is bf and she is super clingy) and at 8 weeks, no way for a whole day and I wouldn't feel happy with her being that far away. My sister took her at 10 weeks old for a few hours once and I hated it, I worried the whole time. Don't do anything you don't feel completely comfortable with and don't let anyone force you into anything.

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DuelingFanjo · 22/09/2013 22:29

If it were me I would tell them you will want time on your own some time in the future and would be happy to tak them up on the offer when he is much older but for now you want to be with him and think he is far too young to be separated from you but you din't mind popping by to see tm with him once a week when possible.

Either they are well ntentioned and think you need the break, in which case you tell them you don't. Or they are framing their request as wanting to help to get what they want, which s not what you want so tell them.

If they keep asking after this...

If it were me and my inlaws I would just say to my DH 'your mum and dad tell me they want ds to go over to theirs alone but it's not something I am comfortable with so could you just are sure they know, thanks'

Original poster

Dh2812 · 22/09/2013 22:34

Thanks. I don't really want time alone and have never mentioned it. This has all been unprompted but has got to the point where we are being asked about this whenever we speak to them and told that we should be taking them up on their kind offer!
They keep asking about it so much that it makes me question myself and think that this is what most people do and I'm just bing precious and making a fuss over nothing.

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QTPie · 22/09/2013 22:38

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

leonardofquirm · 22/09/2013 22:45

No, you're not being precious at all. If you wanted a break, that's fine, but it's not on to pressure new parents to leave their baby.

Also completely mad to try and ask for a tiny bf baby all day? Hardly relaxing if you have to express before and during.

The PIL wanted us to go out for lunch and leave bf DS1. . When he was 8 days old and I'd just had a CS.

Neither of mine have been left for any length of time till they were almost 1, they both played at their grandparents house almost all day recently without even asking for me or DH. (they are 1 and 3).

MintyDiamonds · 22/09/2013 22:46

Its seems as though its not something you want so don't do it, you'll just spend the time lo is away fretting.

CreatureRetorts · 23/09/2013 08:22

I didn't spend time away from mine until at least 6 months old - that's just what I preferred. Yes I had the odd hour here or there where DH would be in charge and I'd have a lie down etc but that was it.

BarberryRicePud · 23/09/2013 09:13

My DDad babysat in an evening once DS was about 10 MONTHS old. He was a very tricky baby and I wouldn't have relaxed away from him. He was ebf and wouldn't take a bottle so there was no way I could have left him anyway. At 8 weeks he was still on the breast every hourish!

He's 3.3 now and has never spent the whole day and night away from one of us, me or DH.

Please don't feel pressured into it. Get your DH to talk to them. You appreciate the few hours break every now and again but it will be months if not years before you consider an overnighter without you. He needs to be on your side and put it as that's what you've both chosen, not what dh2812 says.

And whatever you do, do not agree to a regular weekly slot. Seriously. Just say you need time to plan your childcare arrangements but it's great to know the offer is there.

TBH it all smacks of mil wanting to play mummy again. Stand up for yourself now or you may really regret it. DH needs to v kindly tell them to back off.

aufaniae · 23/09/2013 09:26

No you're not being precious. Be firm about this, if you don't want to leave your baby don't. I imagine a young baby could be very distressed to be away from its mum for so long.

I didn't leave DS till he was 5 months, and even then it was only 3 hours, to a big event that that had been arranged before he was born.

I won't be leaving DD (now 5 months) for many months yet.

That they keep asking about it is insensitive IMO. You need to decline, politely but firmly. Tell them you appreciate their kind offer but you just don't feel ready for the baby to be without you, you'll let them know when you do.

BFing is a great "excuse". The recommended guidelines are 6 months till weaning. You can tell them you don't want her to be away from you while you're BFing, and that modern guidance is to feed till 6 months. That buys you some time. (but don't say you will hand her over at 6 months, you may not feel you or her are ready then).

aufaniae · 23/09/2013 09:28

Sorry, that should have said modern guidance is to exclusively feed to 6 months. (The recommendation is to feed is to 2 years).

DuelingFanjo · 23/09/2013 11:04

"but has got to the point where we are being asked about this whenever we speak to them and told that we should be taking them up on their kind offer!"

You should (or your husband should) say 'honestly, we're not planning on letting anyone babysit for quite some time. We'll let you know when we are ready to'

aufaniae · 23/09/2013 11:10

I agree their offer is more about their wants (to get some time with the baby) rather than your needs, or your baby's needs.

You're not making a fuss over nothing, you're recognising your own instincts which are 100% right on this one IMO.

Jenijena · 23/09/2013 11:17

No, definitely not bring unreasonable. Tell your DH to deal with them, their offer is kind, and you're bound to take it up in the future, but not for ages!! DS is 16 months and I wouldn't do that yet. They sound very pushy and im not sure have entirely the best intentions at heart (do they 'suggest' other things?)

You are on maternity leave to spend time with your baby, not to be by yourself.

MortifiedAdams · 23/09/2013 11:19

It would be nice for them to spend a little quality time with the baby (thinking an hour stroll.roubd the park while you nap), but only if you want that.

Have your parents had alone time with the LO?

loler · 23/09/2013 11:29

They sound like lovely grandparents - I wish my dc had grandparents that wanted to see them weekly. They probably think that they are doing a good thing and are only mentioning it so frequently so that you know that it's a genuine offer. It sounds like you get on well with them - just say that you would love to take up their offer but that its too soon at the moment.

loler · 23/09/2013 11:30

And if they still gone on all the time get your dp to rein them in!

lola88 · 23/09/2013 20:42

I've left DS with grandparents since he was a month old it's lovely for them and DS is so close with them. I wouldn't have it any other way it makes me a better parent to have time to myself I don't get why so many people are funny about babysitting it's never done DS any harm he's a mummys boy but secure enough to stay with grandparents and know mummy will always be back.

blushingmare · 23/09/2013 22:16

No you're not being precious at all. I'm sure it works for some people, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with turning down their offer until you feel ready. I first left DD for a whole day with grandparents at 10mo and at that point it felt right and a nice break. Any sooner and I'd have been fretting too much to enjoy it!

Poosnu · 23/09/2013 22:24

Absolutely not being precious. 8 weeks is still tiny! The fact that you are posting means that you don't feel comfortable about it.

I didn't leave DD at with anyone (except DH) until she was around 8 months old.

carolinasm · 24/09/2013 04:19

My in laws kept giving me the same messages when DD was little. I just let them know that while she was bf it was impossible. You could do a 2-3 hour break though, but when you feel comfortable with that. I started going for lunch at their place every Friday so they could see her. That way they would be with her and I could relax just there or go out to do something on my own for a couple of hours.

googietheegg · 24/09/2013 04:51

Dd is 16 months and has never been away from me for more than 2 hours and even that one time she was with DH. Do what suits you best. And is best for your family. If they're framing it like they're helping you and you're somehow being difficult/ungrateful you may have to steal yourself to say 'thank you for the offer but this is really not what I want until she's older'. Don't let it happen if you don't want it to.

mykingdomforasleep · 24/09/2013 05:01

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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