Why can't I go out and leave my 3 year old asleep on his own in the house?

[FrannyandZooey]

Don't worry, I am not about to do this. But I have been musing about risk and safety recently and I am wondering if this really is as terribly unsafe as we all think it is. He doesn't wake up and will be asleep for 90 mins or more. Even if he did, he is a sensible child and is not going to fall down the stairs or drink bleach or anything. He would be worried that I was not there (which is my main reason for not doing it).

I know the argument is "what if there was a fire?"

But there isn't a fire, is there? How many fires start at random when there is no-one in the house but a toddler, fast asleep? I can see there is a small risk here - but it seems tiny to me. How does it compare with taking children out in the car? Crossing the road? Air travel? Being savaged by a dog?

As I say, please don't think I am about to go out and leave him - I'm not. But can someone explain to me why this would be absolutely unacceptable for me to do so, because I'm not getting it.

TTGS?

Um, I've been in a few accidents. I don't actually drive, though. We use a neighbour's car from time to time, but I prefer to avoid cars. I bicycle everywhere, and am no doubt taking incredible risks doing that.

TTGS = F&Z. Long story.

Oh, I'm not coming up with this "we're mad about seatbelts/car seats" thing on my own, by the way. I think it was Malcolm Gladwell who mentioned it in a book? Or maybe the Freakonomics guys? I will dig it up.

iam probably really thick, but what is TTGS?

I would be interested to know at what age you would all let your child go to the postbox for you, assuming it is no more than 2 minutes' walk away and they wouldn't have to cross any roads (but you couldn't see them from your house all the time)?

(Sorry - tis a pet name I now have for Franny )

Hmm, I'd probably let DS1 do that now. He's 4.

We do let him do stuff on his own, I don't always watch him when we're out, and I trust him, these days, to stay in the playground, so I don't actually supervise him at all (we have some very big playgrounds near us).

Also, because we're in a weird development, I've let him go knock on a neighbour's door without me, where I can't see him. No cars anywhere near, though.

Have I got it right that you're Canadian NQC? If so, are Canadians generally as protective of their children as we are?

More so, if anything, I'd say. Last trip home, I got lectured, by strangers and friends, about the raging paedophiles everywhere. And I think much of Canada has an even stronger car culture than here, which makes cocooning your child up in a "safe" way much easier to do.

Didn't a Brit (or maybe Scandihoovian?) get arrested in the US a while back for going out to the pool and leaving their kids alone asleep in the room? Certainly, in Canada, it's illegal to leave a child under 12 alone in the house. At all. Ever.

Guess I won't be emigrating there any time soon then

When my Mum used to leave my older sibling with my Dad he would leave them and go walking the farm. One night my brother woke up found he was alone and walked about quarter of a mile on a main road to ask a neighbour to look after him and his sister.

ANother time he ran through the fields in his jammies looking for Dad.

There are risks everywhere but where we can we mitigate to reduce those risks:

We wear seatbelts
We use car seats for kids
We have smoke alarms
We look both ways crossing a road
We don't stand near the edge of a platform when there are oncoming trains
We strap kid into highchairs
We avoid dark alleyways at night
We use fridges
We cook our food thoroughly
The list is endless and I know my parents didn't do a lot on this list especially my Dad. I just think not leaving a kid on their own in the house is just one of those ting yo do cos as unlikely as it is to happen it may. Bit like paing for insurance. I don't believe I am going to be burgled or that my house is going to burn down but I accept there is a tiny risk and I pay an insurance company so that I won't be homeless IF it did happen.

But at some point you have to leave your child home alone. You just have to. When is the acceptable time? How long for?

But do you have insurance for every eventuality dropsophilia?

When we were babies our mums left us in prams outside shops for ages. There'd often be a row of prams outside.

I think we're over the top about risk and we make our lives far more stressful than they need to be because our risk perception has got badly warped somewhere along the line.

I've so often been in the situation where the baby has fallen asleep at school run time. So I have to wake him up, strap him furious and screaming into a pushchair whilst trying to get the three year old organised at the same time and have a thouroughly unpleasant school run with a tired baby. We all come home in a filthy mood.

When he was in his cot I was so tempted to let him sleep and nip out for the 15 monute school run. What stopped me wasn't worry for him, but I knew that other mums would say, 'where's your baby?' and I'm no good at lying so I'd tell them and they may well have me arrested. Now that would be bad for the baby.

Shame though.

I occasionally left dd asleep in the house as a baby while I took out the rubbish, got some nappies out of the garage or popped round to the shops for something I needed (maybe 10 minutes at the most).

At 3 I regularly left her alone at home if I popped round to the shops and now at nearly 6 the same. She's never at home alone for more than 10-20 minutes but she's a very sensible type of child. If I give her a task to perform (writing book or something), she'll sit there and concentrate on it for 2 hours at a stretch getting it just perfect.

If I had her best friend as a child, I would NEVER leave him at home alone. You have to watch him like a hawk all the time. Kids are all different.

Haven't read anything other than the OP so apologies if this has already been said.

My main concern about going out and leaving young children alone is not "what if there was a fire", but "what if something happened to me". You could just nip to the shop and get hit by a car or whatever. I know it's a remote possibility, but the risk of those 3 minutes turning into 3 hours or more is just one which I've never been prepared to take.

I still, to his absolute and very demonstrable disgust, still insist that DS2 (10) comes with me when I go out. DS3 (8) accepts quite readily that he has to come, but DS2 thinks of himself as on a par with DS1 who is allowed home alone.

"in Canada, it's illegal to leave a child under 12 alone in the house. At all. Ever"

Bloody nora. That's just wrong, surely?

I definately WOULD leave my 3yo (now 3.9 and would have done it from around 3.6) in the house alone when I popped the the shop 5 doors down (if we had one), both awake or asleep.

I have once left him (and 3mo) alone when I went to the chip van, 5 doors away as it happens, because ds2 needed to sleep and it was pouring down. My biggest concern was that ds2 wouldn't go to sleep and would cry (which he did) and that ds1 would try to help (which he didn't).

He was under strict instructions not to move off the sofa - when I got back (and was around 15 mins in the end) he was still on the sofa, and then told me that "I did get off the sofa to play with my cars mummy".

I was concerned but not enough not to do it, and was definately unconcerned about the whole SS thing as didn't think that mentioning it to a neighbour within hearing of other people in the queue was a problem.

Do you watch your 3yo all the time?

Mine plays in the garden or house where I can't see him all the time, ok I pop in and make sure he is ok (particularly if he goes quiet.....) now and again, but I wouldn't dream of having to be in the same room as him all the time.

I leave him playing downstairs, with access to the garden, while I shower - and if anything happened while I was actually in the shower, as opposed to drying off, there is no way I would hear it.

I'm not overly worried about people breaking in as we have a stinking great dog who would bite their heads off (actually she is a darling cocker spaniel who would want to be patted - but she doesn't sound like that...).

I also let him cut sandwiches (well my mum does, I just do it myself to get them made) supervised.

And if he had a friend a few doors down he is now at the stage that I would let him go round and play with them alone (though would ring and check ok first and that he is coming now, and would ask that the mum rang when he was coming back - and would watch him the first few times).

What I don't understand is how protective people seem to be, with older children more than 3yo's, but then go on about their 'lack of freedom'. To me the only thing that really is more risky now than when I was a child is the traffic risk.

I think it's sad that parents leave their young children on their own at home. I would hate to come back after leaving my child for a while and finding her crying because she's confused and does not know where I am, or having horrible memories regarding being left all alone.

I don't really think it's appropriate to leave a 3 year old in charge of a 3 month old for 15 minutes and tell them they are not allowed to move from the sofa, personally.

what about if the baby cried and he picked it up and dropped it? he would have to live with at best hurting, at worst killing his baby sister because of mum leaving them alone!!

But I am sure we, as adults, can discuss different parenting choices without becoming accusatory or hysterical

nah!

sorry, but feel that that would be a likely scenario........my liitle girl would pick up baby if he cried. I have to be really careful