Can I give her back?

[CleanAllTheThings]

Really struggling tonight. Baby is 10 days old and has been on my breasts since 2 this afternoon. She isn't sucking properly or swallowing but I can't put her down or even move her away from the nipple into my arms for a cuddle. When oh takes her she just screams until she is back on the breast.
We struggled to get feeding established and when she was weighed at day 5 she had lost 11%. Midwife not concerned, weighed again yesterday and she has gained but still not up to birth weight. They still aren't bothered and we aren't being seen again until discharge on 23rd.
She feeds quite well in the day and usually cluster feeds for two or three hours late afternoon, but today it has been relentless. I cant move her, I can't feed laying down to get some rest and I just wish someone would take her away for the night.
Everyone keeps telling me that feeding is going well and I'm doing great but how can I be?
I have a carton of formula that I'm tempted to give but not sure if it would even help because she would still want to be held constantly? Tried to lay down in bed with her just now but that wasn't good enough.

What do I do? It's only 9 and im dreading the rest of the night. I can't do this.why did I ever want to have a baby.

Please help

Clean everything you've said was me five weeks ago...every time DD cried, I wanted to cry with frustration, I was too tired to feed her and felt that there was no other way she would settle. I didn't feel I loved her and felt so guilty about it. One night was TERRIBLE. She screamed for hours, non-stop. I even phoned the midwives at the post natal ward to ask their advice (none of their suggestions worked!). Eventually phoned my auntie who suggested a bottle of formula and within15 mins she was a ddifferent child, so happy and content! She then slept for four hours solid which meant I got a proper sleep and that was what I neededto start feeling normal!

Hope things start looking up for you soon!

Oh, I recognise the 'not sure I love' feeling.I think it's quite common? Don't worry if you're not feeling hearts and butterflies in the middle of all this. Also, it's hardly surprising that you don't want to deal with her snuffling;'after all, dealing with it has been painful and frustrating plus you're as knackered as a person can get, quite worried, AND you've barely met her. It's hardly the stuff of a Hallmark card.... The trick is to remember is that she doesn't need you to FEEL love, she needs you to ACT lovingly. That means seeing to her needs and treating her kindly. IME the loving feelings build themselves over time, but as long as you can commit to meeting her needs and treating her kindly, you and she will do fine.

Have you read the "New baby - instantly familiar?" discussion of the day? Tres reassuring, in this context.

clean ah okay so that sounds like a pretty damn horrible experience.

You know it really isn't okay that we have to experience these things. They aren't just something to ignore and get over. If that had happened without the baby being involved you would probably be lying at home being waited on by worried relatives...you would be giving yourself time and space to process the experience and to recover your physical and mental strength.

Instead because there was a baby involved it is all somehow normal and you feel expected to cope, not only with your own recovery but with a new life to look after as well.

Not to put too fine a point on it but this sucks ass.

So please please go as easy on yourself as you can. Spread the load in any way you can and remember that you are in recovery from a fairly major medical procedure involving substantial blood loss. People need to be looking after you where ever it is even slightly possible.

Dh has had her in the sling so I could get some rest. Still don't want her but am doing all I can and feeding her when she needs it. What a horrible thing to say, sorry.

GP was good and didnt try to give me antidepressants. She did say i should give her a bottle so I get a break every day but not sure. Feeding is getting better and she is going2-3 hrly now. We got proper thrush treatment too.

Oh, good re proper thrush treatment - well done for going back!

There is another thread on here about whether people 'knew' their baby as soon as they were born - it's a very eyeopening read.

I have had 4 DCs and have had different feeding experiences and of course they are different personalities so some were 'easier' babies than others (I am looking at you DS1 ).
I much better suited to looking after walking/talking children; I just don't particularly enjoy babies and tantrumming toddlers. It took me ages to love my kids - DH usually fell in love in the delivery room .

So. You've had depression before; at least you know what symptoms to look out for and seek help early, rather than waiting to be really ill.
Right now you are a new mother, you've never done this before, your DD did not come with an instruction manual or if she did, she did not read it. You are finding this HARD, yet you are still doing it.

That's quite awsome, isn't it?

Keep going.
I'd be cautious with a bottle of formula every day (topping up after BF destroyed my supply with DS1, but I could bore you to tears with stories about how difficult he was to look after as a baby), but I don't think you should hesitate to give some FF when you need a break.

White nipples can be (in decreasing order of likelyhood) poor latch, thrush, Raynauds.

Reasons to be proud

I don't think that this gets posted enough

Op, congratulations and well done - you are doing fantastically.

My ds is 11 days and we've had similar experiences with feeding. At night he's been feeding for four hour sessions, eventually fall asleep on the boob, we'd try to put him down but he'd scream until he was cuddled... and so the pattern continues! First community midwife said he just is a hungry baby (still not made up his birth weight), that it's 'completely normal' for him to want to be on me all the time and I'm ensuring my supply will meet his demands...

I've had the emergency formula staring at me from the bedside table and DH particularly wanted us to introduce one bottle in the nights so he could take some of the pressure off me. BUT I've been so worried about the 'teat confusion' the hospital midwives and the health visitor kept banging on about that I was too scared to un-do all the good work we'd done getting his latch right.

However, yesterday a different midwife came and said it won't harm to give one bottle of formula or expressed milk, that me sleeping is as important as exclusive breast-time. She also suggested lying on his mattress cover whilst feeding so it gets warm and has our smell then lie him in it to transfer him to his basket. She also explained how we could safely co-sleep and that it was safer to co-sleep than breast-feed sitting up and risking falling asleep that way (which I admit, I've done a couple of times and scared myself) I was really nervous and reluctant about co-sleeping but we did feel empowered after her visit because a professional had okayed it, and we felt we had some artillery against the night!

It did work last night; he slept next to me for five hours after his bottle of mixed expressed and formula. I was terrified when I woke to find what time it was and had to check he was breathing! Obviously, now we have the fear that it won't work again tonight but I felt more human this morning and like I can deal with tonight a bit better.

It sounds like you have had lots of positive developments and I in no way think that my way is the answer (or assume you've not tried these also) but I hope you know you're not alone in all this!

HCPs really should give more of a sense of the reality of bf. Perhaps they don't want to put people off but I know that if I'd been given a more realistic idea, even just about the length of time I could expect to be feeding for, that I would've been more emotionally prepared for it.

I've not seen that before pacific I'm holding on to it!

Feel a tiny bit brighter this evening. She has been feeding constantly but I feel better about it and she has been making me laugh with how alert she's been.

jessthefletch awesome midwife! Hope it continues to work for you. how much formula did you give him? Really good to know I'm not alone. Personal question so feel free not to answer but how were your breasts in the morning?
The breastfeedng team here are very pro cosleeping, we tried it he other morning but I couldn't really relax enough to sleep curled around her and me t wanting to turn over but daren't. I bought a sleepyhead bed guard which we put in the bedside crib and she sleeps well in it if we warm the mattress and have wrapped her up.

So glad you're feeling brighter! Ds has been lots more alert today and yesterday too...eyes actually open when feeding and looking at me which is new and interesting.

Yes, lovely midwife! I had a bit of a cry to her about it all and she said she was sorry to be rude and look at her notes but she was worried she'd cry with me otherwise!

I'm the opposite about the co-sleeping because I was naturally dropping off anyway so it is more the worry and feeling guilty afterwards when I jolt awake. Hoping that if it happens again tonight in a planned way I will be less panicky afterwards.

The midwife reassured me that if I followed all the advice that I would not squish him and that expecting babies to sleep in a cot and get into a strict routine quickly is a very Western world ideal and actually quite unrealistic... she also said that our perception of our baby's safety/needs is very acute when bf so we will wake when they stir.

Sorry, went on a bit there and you probably know all that anyway so apologies!

My boobs were actually feeling really full again this morning - I had been worrying because they'd become so soft, like empty sacks but having a break seems to have done them the world of good because it meant I could express more for tonight. We gave three ounces from the bottle.

I am amazed how soon I wake up when she starts stirring, I used to be such a heavy sleeper and worried I would never wake up for a baby!

When she is a bit bigger i would like her in just the bedside crib so I can cuddle up to her but its too big and scary for her just now.

with all three of my babies i had at least one epic 10 hour feed. and it did settle down after that.

with the dummy:

DO NOT TRY IT WHEN SHE IS UPSET!

how would you feel if you were upset and someone shoved something in your mouth (not a boob)??

so try it when she's happy a few times. then try it when she cries. hopefully the good associations with it will stick with her and you'll have more success.

i also struggled with my first, there wasn't a connection at first. but it resolved itself and we are very close. it was very different with the other two.

good luck. hang in there. no-one tells you how utterly shit it can be. and you just can't imagine it.

my lovely sil said to me 'the night is the darkest just before the dawn.' and it's so true.

hang in there.

Oh, I ment to say earlier: I used to feel physically sick when I heard one of mine cry - other people's babies' crying does not bother me in that stomach-turning, queasy kind of way at all.

DS1 turned me into a much more 'hippie' mum than I ever thought I'd be: co-sleeping, sling-wearing, almost Attachment Parenting stylee - not naturally me, believe me! But anything to survive...

Darling, if alertness makes you smile, just you wait for smiling and giggling. Also, when they watch their own hands because they've just realised they are, in fact, their very own hands. And trying to speak! But just gurgling and hicupping! Also fab. And raising their arms when they see you, because they want to be lifted up, tis lovely, because they save it for you. Hilarious first attempts at crawling are also great. Grabbing food off your plate and ramming it in the general direction of their mouths I find very endearing because it reminds me of their father but I may be alone in that. There are a million of these sort of things to come...

sparkly that really made me smile!

She cluster fed for 4 hrs yesterday evening (and it was mainly proper feeding) and has just slept for nearly 6 which seems crazy but god I needed that rest! I guess she would have woken sooner if she needed too though?

Definitely! They certainly know when they're hungry, and you really would know it if she needed you again. Don't wake her unless you really think something is wrong!

Your birth sound very similar to mine. My Dd also ended up in NICU as well.
It was weeks before I could honestly say I'd bonded with her at all. And probably months before I 'loved' her.

They take so much and give so little back!
She in three now and has an 8 months old sister(similar if slightly quicker bonding experience) and they are my world.
The love will come, I promise. It is totally normal to feel the way you do especially as you've had such a hard start.
Try not to feel guilty or hard on yourself.

Had a total meltdown. Midwife came out and wanted to admit me for assessment but agreed to a gp visit instead. He is coming to prescribe something. Gutted I've gone down this road again.

Try not to be gutted, you're doing well, really you are. The midwife and GP are there to look after your, it's their job.

clean please try to remember that you are recovering from a serious medical procedure and don't set unrealistic expectations of yourself.

It is so very hard and you are not even in the minority in finding it this hard.

Thinking of you

Just wanted to congratulate you OP on your determination to BF.

FF can seem like the easy option, but it simply isn't the same as BF.

So well done you: you're giving that baby the best start you possibly can.

Clean, please don't be gutted!
Embrace the offer of assessment by your GP - I bet he/she is not coming to 'prescribe something' but to see whether medication is likely to help you. And if you've had a good response to medication before, then why not take it?
You want to be able to think back of the first few weeks and months with your DD with fondness, so go with whatever might help you get there.

Be kind to yourself. Which includes NOT beating yourself up about not feeling well. Please.

My heart goes out to you. Reminds me so much of my first year with DS1, I can't say I enjoyed it at all and I don't think I fell in love with him for months. I spent his first 12 months feeling physically sick and gripped by panic. I was completely overwhelmed and terrified of the enormity of the responsibility. I believe BF made this much worse, I could never switch off or share the burden and sobbed during most feeds. I was exhausted and think my hormones were going mental trying to keep up with the demand for milk.

I think it's amazing you're reaching out for help I so wish I had. Be totally honest and get the help you need. You're absolutely doing the right thing.

To give you hope DS1 and I became the best of friends, he is 7 now and I couldn't adore him more.
I never thought I would have more children, I was terrified of going back there. DS2 arrived a year ago, I FF from the start and it has been a totally different experience. I can honestly say I have loved every minute. The biggest change has been that it feels DH and I are a team this time, equal in every way.

I so hope you get the help you need, you're not alone lots of women go through this it's just that not enough are honest about it.

Xxx

I agree with the previous posters.
Enjoying your baby is the MOST important thing.
BF is good and if its important to you, do what you need to to stick with it BUT not at the expense of everything else.
Looking after you is just as important.

Bad luck Clean. Obviously it's not what you wanted but please don't waste energy wishing it had gone another way. Get yourself on steady ground, first babies are hard enough without adding uncertainty into the mix. Your posts have sounded like you lack confidence in your ability to cope, and living with the feeling you might not is probably not conducive to your enjoyment of your baby, to say the least. Once you're sure you'll cope, everything that is difficult becomes less threatening and more just-a-bit-irritating. And you can get on with lying on the sofa, accepting tea and biscuits and staring at your baby while she gets delightfully more.and more awake

She had to have a bottle of formula yesterday but I have been feeding her since.
Wish I didn't feel like this, i just want to enjoy my baby. Its not fair.

The gp didn't give me anything, said he wants my gp to be involved and antidepressants won't hope straig away so I can wait til Monday basically. Midwife still keen for me to go back onto the ward for support with her but I know this wold make me feel worse, like they were watching me all the time and I'd have to do it all by myself. Tonight I have been feeding her and giving her back to my partner.

Feel so sad.