For those of you that have husbands / partners who work long hours ...

[muminaquandary]

How do you organise your time & how much help / childcare do you have?

Did you have extra help with newborns?

Do you budget for it or just regard it as part of life's daily expenses?

DH has always worked long hours but this has definitely increased in the last year. I am due to have no 2 at the end of August and am beginning to panic ... as I am faced with the prospect of minimal help / presence from him, as even when he is at home, he has loads of work to do / conference calls etc.

My DH is Army so works when they tell him to - usually up to 12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week.

I have no help - its me and the kids and i get on with it. Both of mine are under 2yo and its the hardest job in the world, but im lucky that DH is FAB when he is here - I am basically allowed to sit on the sofa and do nothing.

If you can afford it, i would consider an au-pair or nanny to help part time, but with our finances, we cant so I lump it!

I am lucky in that I don't have to work but DH has just left for San Diego and I am on my own with the four little aprons for the next week. He travels quite frequently with work and I have to remind myself not to panic. He went to Japan for 2 weeks when no.4 was about 5 weeks old. That was when I decided to get a cleaner - just once a month to start with, but now every fortnight -I just couldn't get on top of things. I would say what has helped me more than anything was to alter my expectations - dh used to give an approx. time to get home - and was usually and hour later - once I started expecting him an hour and a half later it worked better for me. When he goes away its never as bad as I think it will be.Get your elder one to help - I have to get mine roped in with jobs - and at least taking some responsibility for their own stuff. If you have any friends in similar situations see if you can help each other - once a week one of you cook for both - that at least gives you company in whats known in this house as the witching hour and the odd night off. remember you don't have to be supermum - when no.4 was tiny she really only got bathed every 3rd day. No 3 doesn't always get a story. But they'll survive - and so will you.

My Mum is 200 miles away but she will come for the best part of 3 weeks, with w/e back at her house.

We have quite a small house and have tried au pairs before and it just doesn's work for us.

I take your point Floating about how it can sometimes be easier when you are on your own. I actually find the w'e most difficult because I have this (wrong) expectation that DH will have some time to help. TBH he does a lot of the DIY stuff around the house, organises stuff like the bank accounts, insurance etc, so that is off my hands.

jess&rebsmummy - I have a v good friend who is an Army wife & she is one of the only people who seems to have a similar life to me! Her mum does live 5 miles away tho's so she has got the back-up if she is is ill etc / really needs to do something on her own. However, she has got a compeltely different attitiude to h/work to me - ie she doesn't do any & doesn't really care ... whereas I am quite prissy about the house & can't relax unless everything is PERFECT.

apron - I think I need to adjust my expectations too - I still believe him when he says he just has 30 mins work to do at the w/e (more like 3 hrs). And actually when he is away it is quite relaxing because just cook convenience food for myself & give DS a sandwich or something, then I go to bed really early!! LOL about no 3 & 4 not getting bathed / read a story!

006 - scheduling is good .... interested to see that your reaction was not to get any help / think about it. It is alway my first reaction when worrying about things getting on top of me. Currently I am working from home (PhD) but by the time no 2 comes, I should be a fully fledged SAHM so maybe that will help take the pressure off.

I had 3 under 5 when dd3 was born. I have a dh who is out 7am-8pm and no family nearer than 70 miles. The only help I've ever had is a Homestart volunteer for an hour a week. If you can afford some help I would say take it, especially if it can be around bath and bed time. I manage (they are now 6,5 and nearly 2) but get very tired and stressed by the end of the week. With school age ones you need time to do reading, spelling etc - I do this with dd3 hanging off a boob {grin]. I could do without that!

Trefusis - totally agree re the lack of adult company. I also get a little peeved when local mums invite me to stuff in the evening they have got planned & often seem to take offence that I can't come, like it's personal ... it's basically that I can't / won't pay for babysitting for something that essentially takes me away from DH for the little time we might have together in the evening. And that babysitting is n't always easy to come by so prefer to leave it for social events that both of us can go to.

wells aid tref

i found it essential to have my mum with me when babies were born. she took care of house and me, so i could care for newborn.

My dh is a anaesthetic consultant and works long unpredictable hrs. I have 3 children (ds1=5.5, ds2=4 + dd=1.5yrs), and apart from a few days immed post CS when mum/MIL came to help out I am largely on my own. dh gets back in time for bathtime about once a week, but works every other Saturday, plus on-calls at night. I've never had au pairs/nannies/mothers help etc as I felt it was my role as a SAHM to muddle through. I have in the past relied on a bit more TV watching than I would like, but expect the children to help out as much as they can. Tidying up at the end of the day, getting school bags and uniform ready the night before, helping dd with various things. Its made the boys grow up a bit quicker perhaps but they are very independent in their self management and its been noted at school how much better they are at organising themselves than most of their piers.

Dont worry mummyinaquandry, you'll cope!

katef -lol at baby hanging off boob - felt like it was a permanent fixture here last year.

Trefusis i also enlisted the help of a friends older daughter - she would come and play with the younger ones last summer hols. she came for an hour and a half three afternoons and I paid her $15.- which she was thrilled with.

tref that's a really good idea - as they all have DH's who can babysit of an evening, I could ask them all round for a pot-luck supper next time I know he's away / will be late.

As for the rest of you, I am really impressed at what you manage to do - my mum was on her own & I suppose I want to bypass the stress I saw she was under ... she was constantly working and rushing back to cook us tea, up at 5 to do our laundry etc.

....mmm I don't recall saying I wasn't stressed

floating - you prob have a better sense of humour than she does!! bless her, even now she visibly shudders when she thinks back to those times - and all without any maintenance payments, car, no family near .... I am quite spoiled in comparison, no doubt about that!!

actually, i have never been stressed about being a mummy until now. Maybe it is preghead / hormones getting to me.

sorry meant to say apron!!

I don't stress too much about the children - its the clutter thety leave all over my housethat gets to me!

I have had my DH working away from home lots, or just plain long hours when he travels it, from falling pregnant with no.3. we now have 5!

In the beginning I I rang the local college....they nearly always have some childcare courses and they therefore often need families for their trainees to go to....mainly with under-ones tho, but there may be some negotiating. I know this from when I did my nursery nurse training:)

Soooo....with each newborn, I have had a training nanny, and a couple became good friends and helped over and above. One still does(even became godmum to the boys:)).

Homestart also will help if you need it. My HV arranged a volunteer for me when DD3 was at her poorliest and in and out of hospital the most, especially as DS1 was very newborn and DH was at the other end of the country.

Now......they are older and so help out themselves. DH is currently in cardiff, we live in bournemouth, so treck for him each day. He is travelling because of me recovering still, but would normally have stayed.
I Have many many fabulous friends, which I am proud to say have been there for and with me thro thick and thin....and me with them I would like to think. Flameboo from on here is one and she is my sanity on some days...as I am hers.
MIL helps some too, and I am lucky that we, on the whole, have a pretty good relationship. MY family disowned me when the boys came along, and my own mum is schizophrenic:(.

I have a cleaner too...but that is a new addition to things. Mostly I have muddled thro with my friends and lots of wine and chocolate!!!!

It is hard, there is no getting away from that, but it is also rewarding...as long as you keep some humour and can rant sometimes. Oooh, and when on here, try not to get too involved and let it get to you. we all are just doing the best we can in what ever circumstances we have...with the love we have for our kiddies.

And, boy, wasn't that long....sorryagain

My DH has a City job, with City hours. Unpredictable is a polite word for it. He was around lots more when I had DS1, and a bit more when I had DS2.

We do have help, though. I have a cleaner (have had for years and years). I generally get two mornings (ish) off from DS2. We used to use a nanny for that, now we use a childcare co-op. We have a neighbour who helps, particularly when things go wrong, or when DH is on a business trip.

Oh, and we do have other options, an emergency daycare associated with DH's work (we use that when I am ill), a friend's au pair, etc etc.

Would you want a postnatal doula when you have the baby, if there's no extended family to help?

Psychomum that was a lovely post !!

And we have something in common - brother is schizophrenic so Mum is very caught up with his ups and downs. But I think she enjoys coming here to help as it means she can forget about him for a while ...

CockneyM - DH is city based too, as was I. Perish the thought we might both be working ... ugh.

I do have nursery during term-time (4 sessions pw) & an occasional cleaner (she has been ill recently). Extra babysitting once a month or so.

>>> maybe I should just sneak off now & count my blessings & pretend i never started this thread

psychomum - have you sorted your car situation yet? what did you get?

hope you are feeling ok

Apronstings.....got another previa sorted as we really loved it before and tis ideal for boot space. Also, when I do actually start driving again, I don't want to have to relearn a different car as well as get over the nerves. It has taken some time to get used to just being in a car mind you!:(.

Have been having nightmares and flashbacks still too, but that will clear up on their own (fiercly hoping:)), and I truly think they will happen (or not) regardless of car type again too IYSWIM.

anyhoo.........off on holiday to the IOW next week, and sooooo looking forward to it. Not least for me, but DH and the kiddies need some serious R&R after caring for me so much. One fab family I am proud to say!