Takes deep breath .... I am not enjoying motherhood

[Pagan]

Ok got that off my chest. I should be thankful coz I have the two most adorable kids who are basically very good but at the age they are at just now (2.9 and 17 months) I'm just fed up, knackered and bored.

Where can I go with them? DS (youngest) still cannot walk yet so pushchair required and DD whilst basically good at holding on to buggy still sometimes runs off. Shops don't do it for me (don't like shopping anyway and am skint), parks - how many times can I go, arty things - another no no due to boredom factor for them. DH works away a fair bit, we've had tons of work done to the house the last 18 months (still ongoing) and I'm wondering if being a mum gets better. I have images of doing exciting things with the kids when they are older but beginning to wonder if I'm hoping for too much!

Glum today and have been for past 3 weeks!

Thankyou for reading this far

on a practical level, have you tried a buggyboard? They fasten on to the back on the buggy like a skateboard and are excellent for the older one - it's a real incentive not to run off.

Having been a SAHM for 5 years til my littley started school, the thing that saved my sanity was finding other mums with kids similar age and meeting up to do stuff. Just some structure to the week makes a huge difference.
Also, a cliche, but essential is some 'me' time.
Your older one could go to a preschool one or two days a week maybe? (they get funding at 3 so you don't have to pay.) and maybe you could find a sports centre or similar with creche facilities so you could go swimming or something. It is hard and boring sometimes, but when the sun is shining and you know everyone else is at work while you play in the garden, or eat icecream in the park, it can have compensations.

Interesting point about having more time with DH without the kids. It was our anniversary yesterday. DH was flying home from France. On picking him up from the airport, rather than just pull up outside I parked the car and met in the airport itself with DD and DS, just to surprise him. All he could do was make a comment about how he thought I'd just have pulled up outside and isn't the carpark busy meaning that it would have been easier for him if I'd done just that coz he just wanted to get home. He then said he'd got us pressies - a couple of bottles of plonk and a bar of chocolate for me and some choccie raisins for kids. I already had a bag of choccie raisins open. He finished them all and when I went to give DD some of the new ones he said "oh don't give her those, they are too good and only wasted on her". He then went on about the price of the tickets to see Thomas the Tank Engine. DD is fixated with him at the mo and I thought it would be a lovely treat, just us girlies. He then gave them their bath but rather than stay in the bathroom with them, he 'had to' send some work emails. Luckily they didn't drown or hurt themselves but water did get all over the floor and DS's hair despite me shouting to him twice to watch out for them.

I'm feeling like shit now (see other thread for blow to back of neck) and he's away out tonight (albeit I did say just to go so I can get peace) he was out all last Friday on a corporate work golfing day and will be away all next Thursday to Saturday night. And he wonders why I'm in a bad mood. Selfish, self centred, tight fisted git!!!

Forgot to add we did go out for dinner and the two of us were so knackered that we were home by 10.30 with me feeling like shit and the two of us suffering from indigestion.

And why exactly are you still with this man...?

Pagan, sometimes you just want to tell them not to bother to come home at all- I get like that. My DH doesn't get home till 8.30pm and that's on a good day (no drinks after work etc)- promised to be home extra early tonight to bath and put the DDs to bed (7pm bedtime) It's now 6.10pm and no sign... a hundred pounds says he's forgotten. Thanks by the way for your comments re the masters idea Pagan, and EmmyLou and Muminaquandary- I thought I was probably in cloud cuckoo land thinking I could do it.. I'm a teacher (or was till DD2 born last year) and just thought it might keep my brain from atrophying before I can go back to work when they're at school...any other suggestions?

Sorry, forgot to say to Frizbe-
Thanks for your message; do you know if the OU do let you do modules over an open-ended time frame? At least then if I started a module and couldn't cope I wouldn't have totally wasted the time (and money!!) if I could resume it later..Cheers for the advice everyone

pagan, does he ever have the kids on his own? yours are a similar age gap to mine (our gap is just under 15 months) and it is very hard work especially at the ages yours are at now. Firstly, it really only gets better from here (in terms of doing things with them getting easier). Soon they will start playing together really well - mine are now 4 and 5 and can totally occupy themselves.

The key to getting dh to realise what is going on is to plan something for yourself (that takes a long time) on a weekend day. He'll soon realise how much effort goes into looking after 2 small children and hopefully, he'll think before he utters silly comments.

He does sometimes and he does know that it's a hard job and is appreciative. He says he is always tense and bothered when he comes back from work and lacks confidence sometimes so things come out wrong. Whilst I can sympathise to a degree I'm fed up telling him to think before he opens his big gob. It's like dealing with another child sometimes.

when I was at that stage - mine now 9,7 ,5 and 6 months - of the elder 2 at 2 1/2 and 1 the local gym with a creche was my sanity, would go three times a week then home 12ish, lunch, sleep then out to park sometimes b4 tea. other days i could manage more kid focused activities like mums and tots/ coffees at peoples houses/ library story time etc. exercise is great - its my time and also makes me much more patient and chilled the rest of the day. as soon as your eldest starts school it gets easier as days have a routine and rhythm and regular social contacts

It also helps having a "no-responsibility" day/ afternoon, whatever- not necessarily going out and not being with the kids, but having DH responsible for all their crap- meals, nappies, dishwasher, washing, naps, entertainment etc- so you don't have to be the one constantly thinking "what am I going to get them for lunch.. and if we're not back in time what will I do about the little one's tantrum" etc. Let him deal with it- if he doesn't think about their lunch then his children don't eat- I found this did focus my DH's awareness that being a SAHM is bloody constant....as shown by the 10 nearly full cups of cold tea around our house after a day at home...
I'm not saying this works very often, mind you, but I keep plugging on at it as I feel it's only bloody fair as they are his kids too...

oh Pagan, as mum of two dd's who are fast approaching 10yrs... take a moment to think how precious this time with your littlies is!
When you're in the thick of it , it's damn hard work but they grow up so fast.
The days seem to last forever but the months fly by.

Tip for dreary weather days:
(even in the middle of the day )
stick them in the bath with a handful of kitchen things and toys that dont normally live in the bath... feels to them very exciting and 'naughty'... grab a cup of tea and the paper and sit beside the bath while they experiment with pouring and filling.
Guaranteed at least 10 mins of ME time at the drop of a hat !!
oh and clean kids too!

This is to all contributors, you're great! Thanks for sharing your lives with the rest of us. i always feel much better after reading this thread. Mums are the best. We may feel worn out and unappreciated right now but years later, they'll thank us for everything. Do you notice how everyone who gets on T.V always says hello to their mum? It's because we're worth it!!!!! Here's something my friend sent to me. Hope you enjoy reading it.
Subject: A Woman's secret to a happy marriage

A Woman's Secret .. and her Prayer
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except
that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover....
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little
old man took down the shoe box and took it to his
wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight
back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two times in all
those years of living and loving. He almost burst
with happiness......
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from
selling all the dolls..."
Women will love this...............
A Prayer.
Dear God, I pray for :
Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
because God, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death

_

Gabysmum

So it's not just me then? I really thought I was going mad and was feeling very mean & selfish - 1st time mum to a fab little boy but just seem to be permanently miserable and guilt-ridden. Back at work 3 days a week - has helped get my confidence back but now I am knackered from that too. Have been feeling very alone like no-one knew how I felt. This thread has been a revelation - I have read every entry. Thank you everyone.
PS: Does anyone else resent having to be grateful for 'me' time? No-one ever thanks me for giving them a break!

I have to remind myself not to fall over with gratitude when dh arrives home early enough for me to go to a playgroup committee meeting. Of course, he just announces he's off to the pub to watch footy as if its a fait a complis (sp?)

Gabysmum.. thats fab!!

Yeah - I hate having to feel grateful and if I make a concerted effort not to feel grateful I end up feeling guilty about not feeling grateful!!! WTF!!

I have 2yo twin boys and work 3 days a week. On the 2 week days that I am at home with the boys, I go out in the morning. On one day we go to a music group followed by the library, shopping or the park. On the other day, we go to a library or park. Where I live there are 5 parks/recreation grounds within walking distance so we just rotate. That is really enjoyable because the boys are never bored and the journey to the park is an adventure for them. They learn about the different types of trees, we do a bit of bird spotting (they now recognise magpies, I teach them colours, practise counting etc.

In the afternoon, we spend some time in the garden. They love playing with a bucket of water and empty cartons.

If it is raining, we stay in and read a lot, sing nursery rhymes, they love to "sweep" with the broom, "wash up" at the sink as well as play with their toys (when they are in the mood).

I keep boredom at bay by doing things for me. I am doing a ISC course in computing, read when I can, started growing vegetables plus I knit, crochet, love cooking and baking so I find the time passes quickly.

gabysmum- I nearly wet myself reading the " If I prayed for strength I'd beat him to death" line- thanks for that as I am now TOTALLY trapped- DD2 has chicken pox!!! And it is raining!! So far I have implemented about ten of the ideas from everyone for distractions for rainy days with my two quarantined kids.. and it's only 3.30!!! God help me for the rest of the week...

Gabysmum. Thats brill.

and Pagan - you are so NOT alone but it does get better as they get older.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I thought I was being so ungrateful, selfish and a thoroughly bad person for feeling like this. I have 2 boys - 3yrs 5mths and 1yr 1mth. Sometimes I think I will go mad! I find that all I'm doing is cleaning, cooking, washing and tidying and if I'm not doing any of the above I'm thinking that I really should be doing them!!!!! I love my boys to bits but I can totally identify with those who say they can't wait for bedtime!

Planning something for every day is an absolute must and then not feeling guilty for a spot of CBeebies or Nick Jnr has got to be the answer.

Gabysmum - you reduced me to tears!!!

Thank you all again for making me feel so much better.

PS Went to see Take That at the weekend and just thinking about that now does the trick!

Just wanted to say that dp, who's at home most of the week with our 2 ds's (4 and 2) told me this morning that she feels on a treadmill at the moment - we're both so tired. I feel guilty because I can get to work, but even on a Sunday when I look after them both I run out of things I want to do with them. I know there's the park, library, soft play, but sometimes I don't feel like I've got the energy to be bothered getting to anywhere...

I just keep thinking that once ds1 starts school life will get a teeny bit easier for dp.

I think starting school does help Dottydot - it reorganises your time and breaks up the day plus you get to see awhole load of new faces. Before mine were at school, I used to feel a tad jealous watching all the mums walking with a purpose to collect their children.

Great thread! Just posted one yesterday about things to do with a 1yr old, as my close friend is returning to work so me and dd are each losing a playmate (her dd same age as mine). I am suffering a complete loss of confidence now I feel "on my own". What was fun ideas to try out together before now seem scary and intimidating by myself, but I now realise I'm not alone and that it's me that needs to be out and about not dd. She's equally happy wrecking the house as anywhere else!

this thread is a lifesaver, to know i am not alone in finding motherhood tiring, monontonous, irritating and generally grimy! I love my kids ds 2.5 and dd 12 wks but can't wait till they are a bit older. the baby is luckliy no problem but my bright, lively strong willed & v articulate ds is driving me mad, he seems to have hit the terrible 2s in fine style over the last few weeks. had a grim day stuck in house yesterday when realised dh had gone off with buggy in car but today better when went out, wandered round shops and went to park so ds could let off steam. am dreading mother & toddler & playgroups ending for summer holidays, what will I plan my week around then? & how will I ever get any housework done if I can't pack him off for a few hours twice a week?