Hot Topic : Full Time working Mummy Vs Full Time at home Mummy

[moomoo2013]

Ok so I've always known Ive wanted a big family. I've just never met the right person.

Set The Scene...
I've done my GCSEs, I've done my Alevels, I've achieved a First Class Degree, I've been promoted to manager at my work, I've been drunk, I've done travelling, I've done festivals and now Ive found the perfect guy... Its time YAY!!

Fast forward: I'm 25, my baby is 7 months old and I'm getting ready to go back to work full time. I'm obviously nervous as any first Mummy would be, I'm anxious as to whether this is the right thing?

I think:"My Mum stayed at home, my Mum was always there, I had the best childhood ever"

eeeeek DOOOM!

The way my partner and I have organised it my Baby will only be in childcare for two hours tops a day for 5 days a week... MAXIMUM.

My friends have been nothing but supportive up until this point.

There have been a LARGE number of COMMENTS made about how myself and my partner have decided to raise our Baby.

Examples:
" When we have kids I'll be a stay at home mum"

"I went to child-minders all the time I couldn't do that to my child"

"I feel right sorry for you HAVING to go back to work"

It was worn away and chipped at me. Until tonight where I feel I'm seriously at breaking point.

I'm sorry but forgive me if I'm living in the REAL world. The current economic climate does not allow for a woman to stay at home comfortably with their Baby's. It is not impossible for a woman to stay at home ,however, in my experience of this rare demographic it is a matter of luck.

I want to go back because I want my Baby to have everything I had growing up, back in the 80s-90s when everyone was rich! I want to work because I want to earn a living, I want us to live a good life style.

I'm not expressing any kind of opinion that staying at home with Baby is wrong or right , I'm just seeking a common trajectory of thought from anyone willing to share. I'm feeling Low , I'm feeling angry. If My partner was earning enough to keep a large house, cars and everything else (my wine addiction ha ha). I'd love to stay at home and cook all day and do washing and ironing I would LOVE IT. However, I want what I want and until I achieve it I'm not going to stop working hard.

Surely I'm not the only woman (Or indeed Man )who feels like this? Please help me out here fellow Parents!

If anything thanks for reading.

As the phrase goes "Rant over".

fucking hell. I'm a sahm and if I could maimtain a decent career while only putting my dc in childcare for 2 hours a day I would do it! I think you sounds hugely lucky.

You're right in that it is very difficult to have it all. You've admitted that maintaining a particular standard of living is very important to you therefore you'll have to work. Sounds like you've got the childcare sorted out and really it's no-ones business. People always judge others parenting choices. Worst culprits usually those with no kids.

I don't really get what your point is. It's been done to death on here and hardly a hot topic.

If you want to carry on with your career, do so. If you don't, and are able not to, then don't.

There is always someone giving their opinion. Motherhood encourages a thick skin.

Do what makes you happy. And if it doesn't make you happy, stop doing it and do something else. If you don't have a choice, then make the best of it.

I feel that I have to tell you that I never stay at home all day, don't cook wnd rarely iron.

good one yhough, op, you nearly had me there

all I want to suggest is to completely ignore all the COMMENTS.

Real, true friends won't judge or comment, nor will close family if they love and respect you.

Oh and yes it is so not a hot topic.

Really? I think there's so much work that goes in to running a home. I'm dreading going back I don't think I'll have time to get everything done!

I'm a SATM and I love it my times my own I love my own company, there's nothing about it thats not great. If the DCs are poorly I can get them right away if the weathers too bad and the schools closed its no problem we don't have the biggest house or a fantastic car but thats what we chose for our family. But if you have studied hard for your career then I don't blame you for going to work. Life is full of people who want to make choices for you, do what suits your family.

moo mooo. ...who are these friends and do they inhabit the real world??!! My ds is in nursery three full days a week. Working 30 hours and Oh full time. He is happy, secure, stimulated, and loves both halves of his weeek. We are middling financially, being a sahm wasn't a choice we had but equally I like my balance. I would struggle with ft sahm and value my career, my adult discussion and break from my ds. I have a healthy respect for both life styles, and I would never judge those who do either or guilt them either way. I think its bloody insensitive as you grapple with return to work issues. But your child, in the right quality childcare and with your nurturing will thrive . The reality is the financial pressures remove choice for many. It is a hot topic and look fwd to hearing what ppl have to say.

No, you're not.

moomoo when I was about to go back to work after DS was born, I was incensed by the number of people questioning my judgement. I was livid that people could not accept my choice (to go back f/t, with child in on-site nursery f/t) and could only grudgingly back off when I explained that I was the main breadwinner, when I'd have gone back anyway for a load of reasons.

Most of the people who made snarky comments were female, I think the only male was my DDad who I made allowances for given he is rather elderly, and he has since conceded that it's worked well for us.

I remember grumbling that until women's choices (whatever they are) are accepted without comment by other women, we are lost.

FWIW, I still work f/t, I'm still the main breadwinner and I have a lovely social DS.

Ha well thanks for the supportive comments its a hot topic to me as its a subject that upsets me and I know its something which upsets the other select few Mums I know.

My point is that I'm torn between the fact that there is material things and then there's your Baby and the conflict between the two. Its not maintaining a lifestyle its about eventually achieving a lifestyle, a living.

I hadn't realised it had been 'done to death'. This post was personal and I expected support, as I have given out support on this site and have received it.

I hope I can be as certain about myself as you all clearly are in the future.

Thanks apprenticemamma and moonbells and sonlypuppyfat !!! you've made me feel so much better. Thought I was alone there for a second.
X

Weird. How does this work that you only work for one hour a day? (taking that you have to travel to work once you've dropped the baby in nursery...)

I'm dreading going back I don't think I'll have time to get everything done!

So split the chores with your DP.

moomoo - to hell with what other people say or think. You must do what is right for you and your family. I know lots of women who have always worked full time. They are neither better nor worse mothers than me, who works part time, or those who choose to stay at home. The perfect solution is the solution that works for you and your DH/DCs, not the solution that works for those kind people with unwanted opinions.

Two hours a day of childcare sounds brill. Means your kids will have one or other of their parents around for most of the day - and they get the added stimulation of other interested adults in their lives.

So GO FOR IT! Good luck!

Material things become less important when you become a parent. Your focus shifts.

Personally I don't think you can have it all. It's a myth we were brought up to believe, but when we tried it out expectations were destroyed with the reality of working longer hours to show we didn't compromise our careers because we were parents, that we were able to still achieve as any of our male counterparts did, whilst still running the majority of the household and taking care of the children.

You have to be careful on here. The SAHM v WOHM debate always pits one against the other. Do a search and you will see. It descends into a which is better row, and it's bollocks.

What you need to do is what feels right to you, ditch those who don't understand or support you, and make sure you support other parents - particularly mothers - in their choices. Be part of the solution, not the problem.

To add these friends are wonderful people , but , also they are people who pine for children yet put it off with the hope that eventually, in the future, they will be in a financial situation where they can be SAHMs.

This is fair enough, I just didn't want to wait for a family. I can wait to buy my first brand new car, I can wait to get a brand new house , or whatever. Its not about things, its about the fact that yeah I have to go back to work and its being looked upon as a disadvantage to my child.

moo moo and I guess those decisions about lifestyle only you can answer as its so individual. We have forfeited a few previously enjoyed luxuries...but our forfeiting means my precious extra 1 .5 days with ds. Fancy shoes, minibreaks and gym memberships become less feasible and dare I say desirable on balance. But that s simply my view. Everyone has their own view. Your friends sound tactless and immature, maybe it's just naivety based on eighties childhoods and no kids of their own.

I was lucky enough to have 5 years off as a SAHM, I am just getting ready to return to full time work. The snidey comments are endless. Usually from people who consider themselves to be into equal opportunities. I question if they would make the same comments to DH that soon shuts them up.

PS - And yes, there is an awful lot of work to do so make sure you delegate to DH and bits to your childcare (if childcare is in the home ask them to do things like baby's laundry and bed linen change). And as your child/ren grow up PLEASE ensure you get them to contribute too. During the summer hols I have done odd days at work and my 17 year old DD has done the hoovering, hung out washing, ironed it and baked cakes while I've been out - and no-one has asked her - she just knows these things need to be done (years of training!)

ps. one luxury op that I insist on is a fortnightly cleaner! You will manage grand if u choose either way x

For some working full time and raising a child is a no brainier, it's not an issue and it's nothing to do with wanting 'stuff' your child will not be damaged purely because you work. There are many ways to fuck them up, maybe you will manage not to.

I always wanted to be a SAHM and couldn't bear the thought of someone else 'raising' my child. My mum was a SAHM and devoted every moment to giving me a wonderful childhood so that was to be my aim for DC's..
The reality for me was very different. I soon discovered that being at home all day alone with no family or friends nearby and a very demanding baby to be not a good gig for me and I was very unhappy. i felt lonely, isolated and totally out of my depth.
I now am back working full time and although I sometimes feel sad that my two DC's are both in full time care all day every day, I am a much better mother for it. I can afford to be a SAHM, it would be tough but not impossible. It is my choice not to be and that doesn't sit we'll with many.
I too get a lot of comments about being career driven or pitying comments about my poor DC's being farmed out and how hard it must be for me. I live and work in an area where very few mothers work full time. I just nod and smile. Everyone's situation is different and choices are not always straightforward.

Women have juggled children and work for years! I think people are a bit precious over bringing up children these days! I'm not devaluing it, it's hard work and important but people have. Been doing it for centuries , way before "me time" " tummy time" and "baby led weaning" were heard of! You sound like you have a good childcare system in place, go for it !