Hot Topic : Full Time working Mummy Vs Full Time at home Mummy

[moomoo2013]

Ok so I've always known Ive wanted a big family. I've just never met the right person.

Set The Scene...
I've done my GCSEs, I've done my Alevels, I've achieved a First Class Degree, I've been promoted to manager at my work, I've been drunk, I've done travelling, I've done festivals and now Ive found the perfect guy... Its time YAY!!

Fast forward: I'm 25, my baby is 7 months old and I'm getting ready to go back to work full time. I'm obviously nervous as any first Mummy would be, I'm anxious as to whether this is the right thing?

I think:"My Mum stayed at home, my Mum was always there, I had the best childhood ever"

eeeeek DOOOM!

The way my partner and I have organised it my Baby will only be in childcare for two hours tops a day for 5 days a week... MAXIMUM.

My friends have been nothing but supportive up until this point.

There have been a LARGE number of COMMENTS made about how myself and my partner have decided to raise our Baby.

Examples:
" When we have kids I'll be a stay at home mum"

"I went to child-minders all the time I couldn't do that to my child"

"I feel right sorry for you HAVING to go back to work"

It was worn away and chipped at me. Until tonight where I feel I'm seriously at breaking point.

I'm sorry but forgive me if I'm living in the REAL world. The current economic climate does not allow for a woman to stay at home comfortably with their Baby's. It is not impossible for a woman to stay at home ,however, in my experience of this rare demographic it is a matter of luck.

I want to go back because I want my Baby to have everything I had growing up, back in the 80s-90s when everyone was rich! I want to work because I want to earn a living, I want us to live a good life style.

I'm not expressing any kind of opinion that staying at home with Baby is wrong or right , I'm just seeking a common trajectory of thought from anyone willing to share. I'm feeling Low , I'm feeling angry. If My partner was earning enough to keep a large house, cars and everything else (my wine addiction ha ha). I'd love to stay at home and cook all day and do washing and ironing I would LOVE IT. However, I want what I want and until I achieve it I'm not going to stop working hard.

Surely I'm not the only woman (Or indeed Man )who feels like this? Please help me out here fellow Parents!

If anything thanks for reading.

As the phrase goes "Rant over".

I've just gone back to work part-time this week, after my fourth child. I have a set-up that some people might envy, in that my dh compresses his hours and looks after the dc one day a week, and I work one day a week, so we provide the childcare between ourselves. Neither of us are fiercely career-minded, so it was 50:50 which one of us would do the majority of the childcare, but given I was bf and my job lender itself to more reduced hours, I took the career hit now, although in a few years am hopeful of returning to more like full-time hours.

When I had my first, I was full of how my pub wouldn't go to nursery, but now realise that all her peers are similarly well-rounded and confident and happy, whether they have been at home with a parent, at nursery, or with a childminder, or with a collection of grandparents and aunties. We worry ourselves sick about it, but the children are generally ok whatever option we chooose.

What I've found is that it is incredibly hard working part-time. 'Full-timers' look down on me, and expect me to work much much harder than they do, even though I'm paid pro-rata (obviously) and seem to think I am 'lucky' because I 'only' work one day. Career women at the school gate look down on my because they think I'm something of a doormat, because I've taken a backseat career-wise, and think I don't have a brain in my head. Full-time sahps think we are somehow 'better off' even though in reality we've had a 50% pay cut since the days when I was earning full-time. You can't win!! I think in many cases it is a case of 'the grass is always greener'. After having a child we all take a bit of a confidence hit, and we're all a bit vulnerable to comments and criticisms whether intended or not. It is a difficult choice to make, and once the decision is made you are always feeling that you should be doing more/less of one or the other!! I think parenthood is about managing the guilt, doing the best you can do, and not worrying too much about what other people think. Sometimes the very people you think are being judgemental or critical are perhaps jealous, not necessarily in a negative way, but perhaps they wish they could swap places? As for material things... well, everyone makes their choices don't they? We often think that we don't really 'do' material things - we only had one tv for years, no dishwasher, no mod-cons, no flashy cars... but we spend more on holidays than lots of our friends who enjoy fabulous times camping - if you are happy buying the things you buy, enjoy them and don't worry about what other people think... everyone is going to value things slightly differently. Good luck with your choices op.

pub? I mean pfb (spellcheck!!)

I work full time. I have friends who also work full time, friends who are SAHMs and friends who work part time. I have had very few negative comments made directly to me, although clearly I have read negative comments about WOHM on here and in papers etc. I am sure some of my relatives (the generation above, such as parents,aunts etc) do make negative comments about it when they are discussing me (or did when my DC were younger) as my mum and all my aunts were SAHMs and therefore that is the norm to them. I do not have a problem with them having these views and appreciate that they are able to contain themselves and not express them directly to me. They also appear uncomfortable about the fact that my brother spends more time with his children than his wife due to the hours they each work, even though they can see he is very happy with it and a great dad.

Some of my friends have had negative comments, but I am not sure one category has had in worse than others - the WOHMs and SAHMs feel equally criticised at times. Actually, the friend who gets most criticism from others is a SAHM with school age children, but she is also secure in her choice as being right for her family so it generally does not bother her.

dueling it's probably related to where you live? Everyone seems to have only gone back part time. And like OP I get lots of 'poor DD'. Even my boss said to me before I took maternity about changing my mind when I was on leave. So many have changed to part time or quit. Those working, especially full time, are a rarity.

These are families who doesn't need two incomes btw.

It's completely up to YOU how you choose to react to those insensitive comments. The choice you've made is none of their business, but you have the power to either a) let them get the better of you or b) ignore them safe in the knowledge that you're doing the right thing for YOUR family. That's the most important thing - they have no idea what's right for you.

Good luck with going back to work :-)

TBH you sound very lucky.

Pre DD I was adamant I would go back to work ASAP. I've always worked in London and was / am a senior PA and enjoy what i do.

The reality: I actually like being at home with DD, so took the full year maternity. Now actually returning to work full time means being out of the house 12 hours a day, which means 12 hours of childcare which means it would actually cost me £200 over what I earn to go back.

We have no family who could help with childcare

I applied to go back part time and work turned me down so come November i'll be an official SAHM and looking for something part time nearer home.

Was everybody rich in the 80s and 90s? I must have missed that!

This is a very hot topic for me also. I am a fulltime working mum and my DS goes to childcare fulltime. Parttime is not an option in my job and we couldn't really afford me to go parttime anyway. I am wracked with guilt constantly and I worry I am missing out but actually I think my DS is better off without me at home because the nursery does so many things/ activities. I just wish I had more of a balance of work/ caring for my child. Alas, this is not to be so I must make the best of what I've got. I also wouldn't want my DH to have to have all the earning on his shoulders, that's not fair. I think you're well within your rights to be anxious and worried but I do believe that you will do the best by your child and the time you'll spend with them will be so precious and you'll love every moment of it. My DS is so excited after a day at nursery. He's had such a great time- I feel I'm the one missing out on him, but this is reality and we all have to make a living.

I find that women who are most dewy eyed about the idea of being a SAHM don't actually have children so don't know how incredibly boring it can be to be at home all day for many people (though not all - my sister is a SAHM and brilliant at it - I'm in no way knocking the role). Non-mothers just see it as getting to not work, or signing up to some nonsense Cath Kidston ideal as though they are going to shed their former personality and interests the second a baby appears.

Personally, I love working and we also need my income to pay the mortgage. I also love my son and am about to have another child - of course I want them to have a decent childhood, but even if I did believe it'd definitely be better for my children to be with me all day, controversially I think that my happiness matters as well.

Don't try and relive your childhood - it was a different world back then. Live the life you've got now!

It's quite easy really. People who tell you, without promoting, what choices you should make for our child and your family is
A) a bit of an arse or
B) incredibly defensive or
C) a defensive arse.

Ignore other people. Do what you want.
Sensible people don't care. They really don't.

I don't really think its down to anyone else to make the decision apart from you and your partners to be honest. People can give their thoughts but only you will know when you're going through looking after your child, your finances at the time and how motivated you are to return back to work. I've stayed at home with the kids and then returned back to work due to finances. I would just be careful to ensure that whatever happens that there is some sort of balance for you personally -working, being a sahm either way make sure that you always keep your own identity And keep your own interests going. People can be cruel with their own preconceived ideas and the sahm vs the working mother argument is one of those where people can get snooty! Women are supposed to have it all now but generally I think the majority of us are lucky to make it through a day at a time as we're always so knackered x

Gosh OP you do sound very young....(polite emoticon)