Hot Topic : Full Time working Mummy Vs Full Time at home Mummy

[moomoo2013]

Ok so I've always known Ive wanted a big family. I've just never met the right person.

Set The Scene...
I've done my GCSEs, I've done my Alevels, I've achieved a First Class Degree, I've been promoted to manager at my work, I've been drunk, I've done travelling, I've done festivals and now Ive found the perfect guy... Its time YAY!!

Fast forward: I'm 25, my baby is 7 months old and I'm getting ready to go back to work full time. I'm obviously nervous as any first Mummy would be, I'm anxious as to whether this is the right thing?

I think:"My Mum stayed at home, my Mum was always there, I had the best childhood ever"

eeeeek DOOOM!

The way my partner and I have organised it my Baby will only be in childcare for two hours tops a day for 5 days a week... MAXIMUM.

My friends have been nothing but supportive up until this point.

There have been a LARGE number of COMMENTS made about how myself and my partner have decided to raise our Baby.

Examples:
" When we have kids I'll be a stay at home mum"

"I went to child-minders all the time I couldn't do that to my child"

"I feel right sorry for you HAVING to go back to work"

It was worn away and chipped at me. Until tonight where I feel I'm seriously at breaking point.

I'm sorry but forgive me if I'm living in the REAL world. The current economic climate does not allow for a woman to stay at home comfortably with their Baby's. It is not impossible for a woman to stay at home ,however, in my experience of this rare demographic it is a matter of luck.

I want to go back because I want my Baby to have everything I had growing up, back in the 80s-90s when everyone was rich! I want to work because I want to earn a living, I want us to live a good life style.

I'm not expressing any kind of opinion that staying at home with Baby is wrong or right , I'm just seeking a common trajectory of thought from anyone willing to share. I'm feeling Low , I'm feeling angry. If My partner was earning enough to keep a large house, cars and everything else (my wine addiction ha ha). I'd love to stay at home and cook all day and do washing and ironing I would LOVE IT. However, I want what I want and until I achieve it I'm not going to stop working hard.

Surely I'm not the only woman (Or indeed Man )who feels like this? Please help me out here fellow Parents!

If anything thanks for reading.

As the phrase goes "Rant over".

Before we become parents we all have this theory of what life will be like once we give birth. Wooden toys, organic, wholesome food, listening to Mozart in their cot.

The reality is very different. I don't think you can take what your childless friends say on board until they walk in your shoes.

They may desperately want a baby and think they want to be a SAHM now, but the reality may well do their head in and they could spend days covered in snot longing to put on a suit, a pair of heels and head to the office to reconnect their identity to who they are.

You say you will LOVE SAHM. I don't think that is necessarily a given. I thought I would - everyone assumes it is the holy grail - but it was soul destroying to me. At least see how you find maternity leave first. You might find it a relief to get back to work. You just don't know how you will feel.

I don't want to have it all I'm the main breadwinner of my household I have to work.

If you must know We have organised our shift patterns so one of us does 3pm finish and the other does 3pm start.

I understand now that I obviously have caused some hostility when all I was looking for was support and a discussion with people who I used to feel I had a common ground with as parents.

I think my primary post has presented me as some kind of materialistic person when really I'm not marginalising parenthood for materialistic gain, its to clothe my child and to house my family.

I don't require any more feedback I wont read anymore comments posted on this. I feel sorry for anyone else on this site wishing to find support for this sensitive subject.

I think you are over reacting and being way too sensitive.

No one had judged you.
What did you want to hear?

This is so far one of the least judgmental thread for working mothers I have seen. I think you'd have to develop a thicker hide if you are going to be a mother. Good luck.

Moo you are not being over sensitive or hostile, the replies to these threads are often the same.

I remember with my first feeling awful when I returned to work but my marriage broke up and I needed to work and regretted how much I let my career slide.

2 hours a day is nothing- your dc will basically play with some friends and go home!

You sound balanced, mature and intelligent. You've made the best decision for your family.

Will you see your dh during the week? (Being nosey)

Has anyone been nasty to her? I've not seen one

Oh dear

"its to clothe my child and to house my family" Then there really isn't a debate, is there? Go to work.

Did you want everyone to say, "Go You, you are AWESOME" "Working Mummies are Great"? It's really not that website.

Why the assumption that it is only mothers who can be SAHP? My DH was the SAHP for the whole of my DCs primary school years.

Far, far better than me staying at home! Also great for the DCs. My DCs are far more practical than their contemporaries. DH has routinely involved DCs in DIY tasks so they are all confidant to use paintbrush and screwdriver.

Just a small point - when you get back into the work place please dont describe yourself as a working mummy or I someone might have to kill you!

Why the assumption that it is only mothers who can be SAHP?

Probably because 95% of SAHP are women. I don't think there's necessarily an assumption that men can't be SAHP (obviously they can, and are), but I think it's fair to say that not many of them choose to be. Most of the SAHD I know became so by circumstance rather than by design.

OP you seem far too sensitive? You need to develop a thick skin fast. No one has said anything bad to you, but people will during your time as a mother because everyone has an opinion and think they know best. Especially those without children. I honestly can't see how you have taken offence to anything posted.

But I do think that there is an underlying assumption that the SAHP role must fall to the woman.

There are opportunities for more creative solutions including both parents working part time but these tend to be overlooked so that all that seems to be available is either the mother stays at home or the mother goes out to work.

Moomoo, I've just re-read all the posts on this thread and cannot find one that is unsupportive of you. Nearly all of them say that going to work is fine and SAHM is fine and to ignore what your unhelpful childless friends are saying and to make the decision that is right for your family. So I think you are reading these posts wrong.

Your DH and you seem to have sorted out a shift pattern that works for all of you and it is great that he is part of the plan; lots of dads don't or can't juggle their working days to make it all fit together.

We are all behind you. But going back to work when you have very small children is challenging emotionally as well as logistically - might you being over sensitive here? If not, don't blame you because I remember well the inner turmoil and angst. That will go away and you will get used to a new pattern. You will also learn to ignore those around you who are unsupportive - but those on this thread are really not that.

Good luck! (and do get a fortnightly cleaner - good advice that!)

One of the things I think new mums have to develop quite quickly is a thick skin because I don't know about you, but it's amazing just how many people suddenly feel entitled to comment on your personal choices.

Do whatever works best for you because, in the end, that will make for a happy, healthy family.

And then stay confident with your decision and call people on their need to voice their opinions.

Personally, I went back to work. I Would go nuts at home on my own otherwise. My husband stayed at home. By choice. And it suits us. And I respect anyone else who makes their own personal choices too.

Doesn't matter even a tiny bit what other people think. Just do what is right for you and your family. If you can't afford or don't want to be a SAHM then there is nothing wrong with it. If you can afford and do want to be a SAHM then there is nothing wrong with it either. People without children who haven't yet made this decision but think they know what they will do will usually do something different.

I work 4 days a week. My DD goes to a childminder 4 days 8-4. She has a great time doing lots of things I probably wouldn't have time to do with her. I love my job, we get 3 days a week together and all our evenings so lots of time. I do not feel bad about any of this, and I also do not care what other people think.

2 hours a day is nothing. Nothing. Your LO will probably sleep, eat and fill his nappy for some of that time - hardly the advertisers dream of "quality time".

It astounded and upset me how many people (esp total strangers) would ask me personal questions about my life as soon as I had a baby-bump. I'm an "older mother"; but when I was 25 I'd have really struggled in dealing with "those" comments; that's not intended as a patronising comment about you, it's just true for me.

But I do think that there is an underlying assumption that the SAHP role must fall to the woman. There are opportunities for more creative solutions including both parents working part time but these tend to be overlooked so that all that seems to be available is either the mother stays at home or the mother goes out to work.

Definitely agree with this. One thing I do get stuck on though is that more women express a preference to be a SAHP to pre-schoolers than men. I'm not sure if this is societal expectation/ conditioning (i.e. women feel bad for saying that they wouldnt like to be a SAHP) or biological. Obviously the fact that only women got mat leave didnt help but I'll be interested to see how many men take advantage of shared parental leaven from 2015. My expectation= not very many. Many of the comments on articles about it are from men commenting on how "career suicidal" taking 26 weeks paternal leave would be. Yeah, no shit

I personally dont think it's about employers or legislation. It's about men preferring paid employment to childcare because childcare is seen as low status.

I do honestly think that a lot of it is about assumptions of societal expectations (which I guess is conditioning). I think there are also assumptions about what form the role of SAHP takes.

My DH was full time SAHP since DCs were 4 weeks, 2 years and 5 years old respectively.

I can remember a very much alpha male colleague visiting my family with his family. Before the visit he said to me that he was going to be very interested (and I suspect more than a little nervous!) 'to see the dad be the mum'. After the visit he said that he was completely wrong in his assumptions. DH was 'the dad'. The only difference was that my DCs did more 'dad' things than 'mum' things.

I really hope that our dc's generation are not subjected to the endless sahm vs. Working mum debate. It is a personal choice. And IMO not a big deal. I intend to go back to work at 9 months and am determined not to feel one ounce of guilt. My mum went back when I was 6 months and felt so guilty even though I loved nursery (have happy memories) and turned out fine. The worst impact work can have is you feeling shit about it. So just make sure you don't. Love the time you do spend together and love your dc. That is the most important thing to being a good mum. End of.

You have to do what is right for you don't worry about what other people think. I used to work 4 days a week in a high pressure job and hated being there. I now still work 4 days but in a different job where I only do 2 days in the office and the rest I do from home so I have the best of both worlds and a great family that help out.

It's just a very british thing to stay at home or be part time. I've noticed all the mums who came back full time at my work are Indian and Chinese. It seems socially unacceptable to actually want to work after having a baby.

My mum worked full time and I turned out ok. I've never wanted to be a SAHM. My year on maternity leave did my head in. The mums are like being back at school. I wasn't a popular girl at school so maybe that's why I don't enjoy it much.

"It's just a very british thing to stay at home or be part time."
Strange.
Almost every woman I know in the UK who has had a baby has gone back to work.

Have you considered working part-time, if possible?