Does anyone else just not like being a parent?

[AndHarry]

Or is it just me? I have two DC (second one unplanned before you ask...), DC1 is 3 and DC2 is 9mo. I know I'm a 'good parent' and do my absolute best for my DC but I find it so incredibly boring and wearing. Everyone else seems to love spending time with their DC and I just want some time by myself. Other mothers at baby groups and activities seem to enjoy talking on the sole subject of their DC's completely normal development for hours on end, week in, week out, with minor forays into TV shows, and I would give quite a lot to have a conversation about the world outside parenting. I feel like my entire life is now 'being a mother' with no room for anything else and I really don't like it.

Is there something wrong with me?

Nope...baby groups used to infuriate me...I wanted to talk to ADULTS about books and movies, normal stuff...and all they wanted to talk about was babies! Gah! I hate to be so cliche, but it does get better...I wasn't a baby/toddler person...I loved my babies, but like you, I was bored and worn out. Mine are 7 and nearly 6 now, and I am mad for them...proper little people who can have real conversations and such! Plus, my friends with kids the same age can now talk about other things other than kids, and we can GO to movies and out now and then.

Are you planning to work when DCs get a bit older (if you aren't working now)? Going back to work saved my sanity, too.

Hang in there...it doesn't last!

No. There's nothing wrong with you. I think everyone has times like these, its a difficult period, babies are unrelenting and toddlers are wearing and I'm one of those parents who really enjoy their children (fascinating little beasts they are), Mine are similar in age to yours, I'm SAHM.

I consult the great and wise Michael Rosen and his bloody bear hunt and repeat the mantra,
"I can't go over it.
I can't go under it.
I've got to go THROUGH it"

I find if I try to think too far ahead (bedtime etc) it just makes the day harder and stickier to wade through, so I guess I just try and get into it, be present and mindful.

Sorry if that's no help at all

6 seems an awfully long way away :o

I'm going back to work soon but I'm almost certainly going to be made redundant.

No I'm the same. I'm a supply teacher but this year, as I have 2 young and needy children and can't justify paying for them to stay in nursery 3 days a week whilst I'm not working, I'm really really really looking forward to September!

Don't get me wrong I love them with all my heart and soul but I hate motherhood at the moment. I hate being needed, being relied upon, being pestered, being harassed...

I went back to work despite us being financially worse off because it was seriously affecting my mental health. Sometimes I regret having a 2nd baby. That's an awful thing to admit but it's how I feel. I try to fake it and make the most of it and there are days when it's great and lovely and happy, but the screaming, arguing, tantrums, monotony of daily routine and life does get me down.

At home all day on my own when everyone else is at work or away and I have no money and the weather is crap is very lonely and isolating.

But... I do love my children and the thought of anything happening to them or of not having them makes me feel almost panicky.

You're not alone in feeling like this. We're fed this ideal of happy, smiling family life where mum bakes cakes with her lively happy children and that's what we expect, so the reality is a let down, esp when it's 1o'clock and you're still not dressed and the house is a shit tip and all you've done is shout and the kids are screaming and trying to climb your legs and you're counting the minutes until bedtime. You can't help but feel as though you've been cheated.

Hey! I thought it was just me!

I don't dislike being a parent, but I do know I'm not cut out to be a ft sahm. I went back to ft work after 6 months mat leave, and am very glad I did. I work term time, so have lovely long holidays to make myself feel better about enjoying work!

DS goes to a wonderful cm who is an amazing early years professional, whereas I'd go nuts doing all those groups etc.(presumably the teenagers I love working with would drive her barking too!)

DS seems to be happy and thriving with our setup.

Not many people seem to feel this way. Or at least will admit to it.

Not just me then. DH can't understand it. In his head he'd love to be a SAHD (we can't afford it). MIL was a SAHM with 5 children and then did childminding so he expected the same sort of thing from me. I am so very conscious of being well out of my depth.

You can add me to this list. Don't venture anywhere near playgroups with DC2, get bored at the park, spend half the day waiting for DH to come home.
Much worse in the summer hols. Have all these plans for activities but I just can't face it most of the time.
I love them both dearly but crave adult company, doesn't help that I am a lone worker who does night shifts so don't get to have a giggle at work.

I enjoy it for about half an hour. But even then I much prefer being at work! It's already a lot better at 8.5 months than it was at the very beginning though, at least he can enjoy games and jokes and things now.

I have infinite respect for our childminder, I have no idea how she does it.

I do think that being an adult woman alone all day at home with small children is a hugely artificial and weird set-up though, almost guaranteed to drive you a bit mad. No traditional societies work like that - you'd be surrounded by other women all day, working and talking and sharing the childcare. Still not my thing as I love my (very cerebral) job, but much, much more bearable I reckon.

Add me to the list too.

I am a much better mother to my DSs for going to work FT. It means that the time I spend with them is fun and happy, even when we're doing mundane chores together.

You're at a very hard stage of parenting I think. It's so relentless when they're toddlers. I don't think I enjoyed that phase very much but did start to enjoy it all more once mine reached around 6. Up to then it did get gradually easier.

I went back to part-time work which helped a lot.

Yes, my dh would be much better at the SAH role if we could afford him to pack in his job. He just naturally enjoys playing. Whereas I don't. I try my best and I think I'm quite good at other things - like making sure everything is ready for school and organising meet ups with dc's friends. All the practical things I deal with - I don't think DH has ever polished a shoe for example.

But that sort of entertaining role, I'm rubbish at. The thought of playing a game of chess makes my heart sink. But of course I do it (if dh is out).

I guess we just have different strengths and weaknesses as parents. You might be absolutely fantastic at explaining astronomy or the lifecycle of a caterpillar later on down the line. It's just that the stage of parenting you're at is very much the early stage, which is rather a lot of care work and not so much mental stimulation.

There are lots of different ways of parenting. Don't bother comparing yourself to others, just do what you feel's right. As long as you love them it seems to come right in the end.

Hee hee. Not just you at all. I told DH that he'd 'lucked out' this summer as he hadn't had to take a single day off to look after DD during preschool closure (I'm still exhausted from doing the last two weeks; ILs are taking over for this week as I have no holiday left)

He looked crestfallen and said he felt he'd missed out rather than lucked out. I'm not sure that he might not think differently if he had dealt with several three-year-old tantrums in quick succession over getting dressed, wearing or not wearing a particular T-shirt, watching TV, going out or not going out, and having to think of FUN!! things to do that are even more FUN!! than watching Mr Tumble for the 19 millionth time while your brain dies inside. After one day alone with DD with nothing specific to do I was in tears.

I think with younger children it's totally relentless: they have loads of energy but no empathy, so have no concept that you might need to go into a shop to buy something for you, for example, and that you might need more than two and a half seconds to do it before going to the park. Cue either whining ('I'm boooooooored, can we go nooooowww?'), a tantrum or just plain escaping. Then there's the constant anxiety over 'what is and isn't acceptable behaviour? How should I enforce boundaries? Am I too lax for not coming down like a tonne of bricks on the fact she just said 'No, I want to watch more TV', or too strict for interrupting the 'flow' of playing shops to insist she get dressed?'

The other thing is that I can't realistically engage DD in a lot of the things I'm really interested in - baking is OK but I can't expect a three year old to hold much of an opinion on psycholinguistics or be glued to the Life Scientific broadcasts.

Me! I love my children and often enjoy their company, but don't really like how responsible, available and selfless I am required to be. I'm also coming to realise I'm a far more solitary person than I previously thought.

It will get much better though, mine are out of toddlerhood and far more independent now - you're in one of the toughest phases.

My teenage dd is becoming aware of how boring and tiring it can be spending your days trying to keep young children amused. She asked me 'did you actually like playing with us when we were little or did you just do it because you had to?'

I said that I used to change activities so that I didn't get bored. Play for a bit, go out for a bit, watch tv for a bit, play for a bit, do housework for a bit, see friends for a bit, etc. Breaking up your day and getting as much variety as you can does help.

I also found that at toddler type groups parents would talk about their children, development, feeding, etc. because that's what they all had in common but if you bring up different subjects you will soon find other likeminded people.

Some genuinely love talking about their children all day but many, many others will think along the same lines as you. I tried practically every single group I could find to meet lots of different people and made some great, fun, interesting friends of my own.

Oh OP I totally empathise. Mine are a bit older now, 8 and 3 and I have to say I LOVE being a parent to my 8yo, he's great company, chatty and funny and full of ideas, and he can entertain himself and go to the toilet by himself, get himself a drink etc etc and it is just SO much easier. With the 3yo, I'm still sometimes in how-many-minutes-till-bedtime mode but I do want to let you know it gets easier.

Some parents seem to naturally be good at/enjoy the baby and toddler stages, and some don't. Working part-time and using nursery is absolutely essential for me too, so that I can be a nice mum when we are together. (In truth I would like to work 4 days rather than 3, but I'm staying at 3 until they are both at school because DD loves her mummy days. I feel bad admitting that and rarely admit it in RL.) I do adore both my DC, it's just that I find it so frustrating not being able to string two thoughts together or get anything done, which is what it's like when you're with babies and toddlers.

I remember sitting in baby and toddler group thinking "WHY are we talking about solids and poo consistency, HURRICANE KATRINA just happened/did you notice the LONDON BOMBINGS/ROBIN COOK has just died, why aren't we talking about that?!?!" but no one wanted to. Well maybe they did but no one dared change the subject.

And there is nothing better at making you feel crap than one of those cheery perfectly dressed SAHMs who can't wait to spend more time with her DC. Not to attack those people at all, good on them, but it can make you feel like whatever it takes, you just don't have. But you will find your stride and what it is that you are good at as a parent - maybe just not yet. I hope work helps and that you can stay in work as I find that really helps give me balance and get "me" back.

I think there's a difference between not liking being a parent and not liking being a SAHM - I'm another one who is postitively thriving being back at work (I have a 4yo and an almost 2yo). Unfortunately I've just been made redundant and am panicking at the thought of enforced SAHM-ness if I don't find something else in time. I love my kids to bits, and love the time I spend with them, but I also absolutely need my own thing, and time away from them. I didn't do the baby/toddler group thing much as I too found it totally bemusing to spend the entire time talking about the minutiae of baby/toddler life..I do still have good friends I met through having children but I have other things in common with them too other than the fact that we all have kids.

It really is a case of each to their own - I know plenty people who thrive on being SAHMs. Now that you've identified what you need from life, good luck with finding it.

Also, it does get easier (in some ways!) as the kids get older - it certainly changes anyway, and you might find older kids gel with you better, whereas some other women will pine for the baby days.

The baby and toddler stage is hideous, I hated it.

Mine are 8, 7 and 4 now and it's getting so much better. I don't have to be in the same room as them constantly, they need less doing for them and I'm starting to get my life back. I can have conversations with them and they're developing interests that I actually enjoy doing with them.

Baby groups are hellish, so boring and tedious... There's nothing wrong with you for not enjoying them, quite the opposite!

I am one of those mums who genuinely really enjoys being a SAHM most of the time, but I've been playing Lego, trains etc non stop with my 3yo for the past couple of hours (the older two are out with their grandparents so he's feeling bored and lonely) and my head is ready to explode!

Has your DH ever had the DC on his own for a whole weekend? He might realise that being a SAHP isn't quite like he's imagining...?

Sorry, I missed the Bear Hunt philosophy. I quite like that.

You're not alone. I thought I was losing my mind before I went back to work. Currently part-time but considering going full time as frankly its hard enough thinking of things to occupy a 15 month old two days of the week.
I can't honestly say I enjoy most aspects of being a parent, I agree it's relentless, boring and wearing. I can only hope it gets better.

If getting another job really isn't possible try to get a break at weekends. Even just a couple of hours running errands by yourself. If there's willing family that can take the kids for a few hours or more make the most of it. The happiest parents i know all have family nearby that take the kids regularly.

I might be the worst person to say this MillionPramMiles but I found the 9 months between DS turning 2 and DD being born really good fun. He had his moments but he was talking properly, running around, potty trained, doing interesting things and was far more independent. I think we skipped the Terrible Twos in favour of an 'interesting' 3 year old stage.

I am relieved to have found this thread, as today I've been wondering if I'm going to be an awful parent for already feeling overwhelmed and bored at becoming a mum, and so also feeling guilty. My little one is not even 3 weeks old and I'm frustrated by the monotony of it all. Please tell me it gets better, surely before toddlerhood?

I hated the first 3 yrs tbh. But I was also v young and resented losing independence. I was miserable while finishing studying pt from home and only found 'me' again when I started ft work. I loved my dds company from age 3/4 onwards. I miss her when I work 60 hour weeks but love the time I do get with her. Wish there was an option for more of a balance as I'd like to see her more but not give up my job. I am planning dc2 in next 3yrs but I know I will only take 3-6months off max and have dh and a nanny/relatives to help out. You appreciate your kids more when u get quality not quantity time. I would hate being stuck at home with toddlers!

It's better if you work, so hope you can find a new job if it comes to it. At work people talk about normal stuff - culture, the news, even work sometimes, and a lot of people don't even know you have kids - it's great!

I realised very early that being a ft sahm was not going to be for me at all. I went back to work when dd was 4.5 months and would have happily gone back earlier if I could have done. I was climbing the walls. I had loads of people telling me how I would wish I had taken more time off and how hard it would be going back to work and leaving her but I didn't find it hard at all. She was with dp, she was fine and I got to talk to people and go to the loo without being screamed at :o

I love her like mad but I need other things in my life. I hate baby groups and just don't find other people's children even remotely interesting so hanging out with other mums just isn't for me.

Lol at xmasbaby's post
Very true!