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Parenting

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Original poster

I hope you don't mind me asking but, When your D.C(s) were born did was the love there instantly or

71 replies

internationallove985 · 10/08/2013 22:15

did you have to grow to love them. I will admit I had to grow to love my D.D. I mean the sun shines out of her arse now, but other women seem to go on about this instant bond and please don't get me wrong I am not disputing or doubting it but it wasn't like for me. xx

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OnTheNingNangNong · 10/08/2013 22:18

No instant bonding with either of mine, with my eldest son I was very protective but there wasn't the bond at all in the first few months. With my youngest it came easier to bond with him as my MH was stabilised, but it still took a while.

They don't remember those days thank christ

gallicgirl · 10/08/2013 22:18

Shock mostly at first.
The love bond took ages and comes and goes.
I don't get that gushing "I'm so lucky to be the proud mummy of such a beautiful angel" mentality.

LovePotatoes · 10/08/2013 22:20

Hello. With Dd1 i was in love with her instantly. With Dd2 it took longer to get that same intense love...maybe a good 2 months.
I was overwhelmed i think with having two plus i have care responsibilities for an elderly mother in law.
Dd2 is 6 months old and i live her to pieces as i do her big sister.

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LovePotatoes · 10/08/2013 22:21

*love not live!

ImNotBloody14 · 10/08/2013 22:23

well first off- i'm not really sure I understand what love is beyond a feeling you have for people that varies based on how much time you spend with them.

but no I did not feel an instant feeling when dcs were born. I felt shock and a bit useless tbh as once they came home from hospital I found they slept a lot and I kept wondering what I was supposed to do while they did it. with ds1 I think I had expected to be on the go constantly with bottles and nappies etc but I felt a bit deflated when that wasn't the case.

without a doubt I love my dcs now but I think that is very much down to the fact they live with me and I like their personalities, recognise family traits, appearance etc.

I don't think there is any 'magic' behind it- just the natural result of spending so much time with someone.

RandomMess · 10/08/2013 22:23

DC1 - instant
DC2-4 took months

bulby · 10/08/2013 22:24

Nang nong, I'm glad you posted because I thought I was a bit weird, it's good to know someone else had a similar experience to me. I was very protective of dd from birth but it wasn't until she was at least a year until I felt I had bonded with her. I have always felt guilty about this.

jimblejambles · 10/08/2013 22:26

With ds1 I grew to love him. I think the shock and enormity of being totally responsible for a little person took over tbh. With ds2 and dd it was almost instant. I do think this was because I was more relaxed and the whole newborn thing wasn't as overwhelming

chickensaladagain · 10/08/2013 22:29

My first feeling when I had dd1 was exhaustion

I then spent a couple of weeks thinking 'oooo look at the little baby'
I felt protective and responsible but love? Not until she started being interactive and reserved her best smiles for me

Dd2 I feel horrible because I couldn't say when I started loving her -22 month old and a newborn I spent a good few months in a fog

I also had to go back to work when she was 11 weeks as her dad was made redundant a week before she was born but hadn't been there long enough to get redundancy

I know by her first birthday I loved her but couldn't say when in that year I started feeling that way

Love them both to pieces now though

TheFantasticFixit · 10/08/2013 22:30

I had a v traumatic labour with DD and although I felt protective of her I didn't have a bond at all. In hindsight I think I had PTSD or something similar from the birth. It took a long time to come, about 8 months or so.

I couldn't imagine life without her now, she makes my heart swell and sing in a way I never thought possible.

I'm pregnant with no.2 now and although realistic, I am hoping that there is more of an instant bond with this one. I'm not sure I can cope with a double whammy of the guilt to be honest.

jammiedonut · 10/08/2013 22:31

When ds was born, I had a cuddle for 20 minutes, then handed him straight to dh while I had a long bloody bath. I was so drained physically and emotionally that I didn't register any feelings of love. I knew I was responsible for the little man, and I'd guard him with my life, but it was when I was feeding him weeks later and tried to imagine my life without him that something clicked inside and I knew i was in love. I felt terrible and a bad mother for not having that immediate feeling, but good to know others were the same.

Smartiepants79 · 10/08/2013 22:31

Hey, I nearly started a thread about this just this week.
I didn't have the instant love for either of mine.
DD1 was a traumatic birth and spent some time in NICU. It was months before I could truly say I loved her and had bonded with her.
DD 2 was a textbook birth but still took weeks to properly bond
I kind of 'knew' I loved them rather than feeling the overwhelming rush I get now ( when they are sleeping. )
I think it is a bit of a myth that should be more widely spoken about.
I know that the lack of it was a contributing factor in the PND of a friend of mine.
It was something I was aware could happen so I was able to keep telling myself "it will come".

Breezy1985 · 10/08/2013 22:31

DC1 - Instant
DC2 - 6ish months, I loved him before then, but only really started to bond with him around 6 months.

Thurlow · 10/08/2013 22:36

No. Horrible labour, EMCS, didn't see DD for 12 hours as she was rushed to NICU. I can remember texting people from NICU while I was holding her

When she was pointed out to me in NICU I kind of went "oh, right" - nothing overwhelming at all.

I knew I loved her in the sense that I got upset when she was ill or hurt even from very little, but like a lot of other people it took months before I knew that she had become the most amazing, important person in my life and I loved her more than I ever imagined I could love someone.

I am scared if I have DC2 that I will get that rush, and then I'll feel bad for DD. Silly and irrational but there it is.

It's not a myth for some women, and it is a myth for others. It's really good to talk about it though as I imagine for some women it is terrifying to not feel the rush that everyone talks about.

Damnautocorrect · 10/08/2013 22:40

No, no rush of love. If I'm honest the love and protection feeling was there from even before I got the blue lines (I was on the pill so really not trying). I'd find myself patting my tummy and talking to my tummy before I knew I was pregnant. So when he was born (emcs) it was more like putting a face to a friend. But no, no rush of love

VileWoman · 10/08/2013 22:48

Don't believe in love at first sight. No mental health issues but need time to get to know these little people (have 3DC) before I love them. That's not to say I didn't feel responsible for them and wanted do everything I could to care for them.

It's a dangerous pressure to put on someone to insist that everyone feels a great rush of love. When DC1 was born I looked at the baby on my front and thought 'that's not my baby, it's too big!' No big rush of love, just exhaustion.

Wallison · 10/08/2013 22:54

I did get a rush of love but I know plenty of people who didn't, and they all certainly love their children.

Jinty64 · 10/08/2013 22:57

With ds2 I had such an overwhelming rush of instant love that I cried. That was when I realised that it didn't happen with ds1. I didn't realise anything was missing until them. With ds3 I felt a bond but not the huge feeling I got with ds2.

It hasn't made any difference and I love them all the same,

Beckett3 · 10/08/2013 23:13

With DC 1, 2 & 3 it wasn't there instantly, I don't know if it had anything to do with the fact they were all difficult labours and/or births, or that looking back, their father was a twat who hated the DC's having so much attention or even that I was younger when I had them (17, 21 & 25).

With DC4 it was instant, their father is no longer in the picture, I had a relatively easy birth and recovery for a elcs and I'm a bit older now.

I'm guessing it being instant is quite rare as one of the midwives even commented on it when I was on the ward, either that or she was being really nice!

lynniep · 10/08/2013 23:22

nah. not for either of mine. I didn't have those 'most gorgeous baby in the world' mummy tinted glasses on either. tbh i was just glad the whole labour thing was over. took me a long while to feel anything for them.

Wallison · 10/08/2013 23:25

Oh, I definitely had those tinted glasses. I can remember looking at all the other babies and feeling sorry for their mums because they weren't as beautiful as mine was. I really had it bad!

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 23:26

Yes but I wasn't expecting it as my mum said with all three if us she thought "oh baby how sweet" and definitely felt an urge to protect and care for us but she needed to get to know us before she really felt love. Mine were a thunderbolt but either is normal.

picnicbasketcase · 10/08/2013 23:28

I have a vivid memory of lying awake in hospital the entire night after my first DC was born, just staring at him in his little cot next to me. He slept soundly for hours and I was wide awake staring at him thinking 'bloody hell, I've got a whole new tiny person to look after'. So mostly shock rather than adoration initially

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 23:29

I had rose tinted glasses about ds. Dd really did look beautiful because she had tiny delicate features and was a elcs so not squished but poor ds I was in labour for about 36 hours and his poor nose! My mum was my birth partner and said I looked at him like he was the Christ child. I thought he was beautiful looking at the delivery room photos now I am very glad the nose deflated.

edam · 10/08/2013 23:30

I was overwhelmed with love for ds the second he was born but also had a very strong sense that I knew him already - my first words when presented with ds were 'Oh, hello, it's you!'

We all joke about the fact that my niece looked like an old soul the second she was born - she had a gaze that seemed to be saying 'ah, this old place again. Well, it's not improved much since last time...' while ds was definitely brand spanking new. But I knew him already.

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