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Parenting

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Original poster

I hope you don't mind me asking but, When your D.C(s) were born did was the love there instantly or

71 replies

internationallove985 · 10/08/2013 22:15

did you have to grow to love them. I will admit I had to grow to love my D.D. I mean the sun shines out of her arse now, but other women seem to go on about this instant bond and please don't get me wrong I am not disputing or doubting it but it wasn't like for me. xx

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mummy2benji · 11/08/2013 07:46

I was fiercely in love with my dc's from the time I was pregnant. Probably more so with ds1 as he was my first and it was all new and rather amazing. With dd2 I felt the same love but was too busy to be able to concentrate on it and my pregnancy much. I appreciate I was fortunate to have that and not all mums have that instant bond. I am quite sure that doesn't make those who don't less good or loving mothers.

JemimaMuddledUp · 11/08/2013 07:57

No, I felt no bond at all to begin with.

I had DS1 under general anaesthetic, and when I came round I had no recollection that I'd had a baby. The nurse came and told me I'd had a boy and I thought she'd got mixed up and told the wrong patient

When I held him I knew I had to look after him, but I didn't feel that big rush of love. I went back to work fairly quickly (he was 5 months old) and didn't feel any guilt at all.

Strangely it was only when I fell pregnant with DS2 that I fell in love with DS1. Maybe it was a delayed hormone rush!

When I gave birth to DS2 and DD I felt instant love for them. Either it was the difference in actual birth (DS2 was a VBAC, DD was a c-section but not under GA) or I had just got the hang of being a mother, I don't know.

It hasn't made any difference to our relationships though, I love them all equally.

mrspatpat · 11/08/2013 08:06

Dd is 16 Weeks and while I love her loads and am very protective I still don't think I have gotten that overwhelming feeling. I don't feel bad about it unless I am around my mum who never stopped going on about this overwhelming feeling. She also looks at me funny if I say anything anyway negative about dd (like she's cute but she never sleeps, so not really negative), I think she thinks I should be gushing.. Dd screamed almost solidly for the first 6 Weeks and never slept. She still won't be put down much during the day and feeds every 2 hours. Hubby and I fondly called her our demon child for the first 2 months.it doesn't mean that she isn't loved. Its this horrible feeling of trying to justify my feelings for my own daughter. I felt hugely protective from the start, but the more I know her the more I love her

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HappyJustToBe · 11/08/2013 08:17

I was too shocked at first for anything other than confusion! She was planned and I knew I was pregnant but the shock of her actually being real was a bit much for me! The first I night I sat up with her after DH had been sent home and she looked so much like my sister, who I adore, I think she just stole some of that love! 2 years on she has all her own love.

mrspatpat The best thing that happened to me early on was I met another mother with a more demanding baby and we could bond over the lack of sleep and the annoyance that other mothers felt sorry for us that we didn't have a "perfect" baby. I am not a gusher.

edam · 11/08/2013 08:24

YY Steppe, that's it, meeting someone for the first time you've known forever.

Interesting that people have such varied experiences - I see someone has suggested difficult births may have a part to play, but I doubt that's the whole story. Human beings, human psychology and human behaviour is so varied... but it would be fascinating to find out.

pettyprudence · 11/08/2013 08:37

No instant rush for me either but oh it creeps up on you. My ds is a toddler now and I have such over whelming love for him, at the same time as him driving me completely round the bend! Its is truly unconditional love that nothing else can match

I am pg with dc2 now, no great love there either. I can't do the whole bonding in utero thing. I feel protective but I doubt I will "love" this baby until I have met them and know them.

ThursdayLast · 11/08/2013 08:41

Not instant at all...like others, I was relieved that the long horrid experience of labour was over.
For the first few days I couldn't really move off my bed, so when the midwives would pass him to me, telling me he was hungry it often made me cry. Because I was just so exhausted and unprepared physically and mentally for how much that baby NEEDED me.
Overwhelming.

username3 · 11/08/2013 08:59

I did. One scan photo he was facing the front, as if looking out - very clear, little heart shaped face, big eye sockets, pointy chin. I remember seeing him for the first time and saying something stupifld like "oh, its you!".

I get rediculously attached to houseplants though.

Maggietess · 12/08/2013 08:55

With my first I felt largely overwhelmed more than anything else for the first while. But it was traumatic birth and I think looking back probably had a bit of pnd. But grew to love her so much that when preg with no.2 I would cry worrying that I would be taking love away from her and worrying that I wouldn't be able to love my 2nd anywhere near as much.

Then a friend told me something that resonated with me - don't expect to love your new baby like you love your current child, they are so interactive and cuddle you and love you back that they're easy to love. It's hard for a newborn to get that reaction. You'll love and protect them but may not feel that rush of love until they are about 6 months and they are more interactive too. This made a lot of sense to me and was probably very true for my second.

Now I love them both immensely and when my third came along I didn't worry to the same extent and I think for that reason found it easier to get the "love" faster...

This probably makes no sense to anyone else and I'm rambling... But it made sense in my head

VegPatchLurker · 12/08/2013 08:59

Have DTs.
Huge protectiveness kicked in instantly. The big love took longer - weeks rather than days.

mignonette · 12/08/2013 09:00

The first it took months. I felt protective, I loved her but didn't feel 'attached'. Not sure whether that feeling they tell you about ever came to be honest. I love her, I am proud of her and I put both of them first. But that passionate stuff. That never came.

With my second I wouldn't put him down and actually growled at a MW who tried to take him off me so I could eat my meal with two hands. It was instinctive and very embarrassing.

I had a GA ELSCS with the first and was in horrendous terrible pain afterwards as had NO pain relief. I just wanted to be left alone. The second time I had an epidural ELSCS and as my wound was infiltrated with LA, no pain even after the EP had worn off.

BF both for 20 months.

Eletheomel · 12/08/2013 10:58

With my first, the second I saw him i felt this total rush of love for him, even through the drug haze (it was an intense, brutal, painful but fast birth)! It was instant, unquestionable and took me by surprise, I thought the slimy, bloody, screaming bundle in front of me was quite simply the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen - I adored him.

My second son (who's 10 weeks) was a much much better birth (no drugs, lots of giggles, felt really empowered, totally different) and when he arrived, there wasn't the same instant love as my first, I think partly because I was comparing him and thinking, his lips are different from my eldest, he's got a different forehead... etc. I still loved him, but there wasn't an explosion of unconditional love (and I didn't think he was as beautiful as DS1 - that's terrible isn't it?) however, I'd say within the next 3-4 days I had fallen in love with him and I've thought he's a gorgeous little mite for a long time now.

Cloudhoney · 12/08/2013 11:04

No, he was emergency c section and I spent all the time in hosp staring at him and thinking he was very nice but not love. Love has grown over the months.

chocolatesolveseverything · 20/08/2013 11:52

Comforting to read all this... I gave birth 13 days ago and have felt unhappy since. I can't say that I really love my ds yet, which is so very hard given that all he wants is to be held, fed and cuddled. I hope it won't be too long before that proper motherly bond develops between us.

mignonette · 20/08/2013 14:00

Chocolate..... It takes time. In the meantime, look after yourself, use the time to gain confidence in handling your baby and don't impose time tables upon yourself. Speak to your MW and GP because sometimes that unhappy feeling can tip over into PND. Nothing bad will happen by telling them, it is no judgement on you as a Mother, rather shows that you are wanting to look after baby well. Hormones will still be in the early stages of adjusting and your body only just staring to heal. Then there is the massive sleep loss and adjustment to the 24/7 demands of a vulnerable little creature. That was a dreadful shock to me, the fact that I could no longer nip out to the store for a pint of milk or loaf of bread!

Spend some quiet time with your baby and your partner if you are not a single mum (don't want to assume you are single/together) just getting to know him.

It might also help to have some time to do what you want to do whilst somebody else looks after baby. Even if it to go for a short walk, read a book in the bath or pop to the shops, it all helps to regain that sense of self that can be lost within the state of Motherhood. Your baby will benefit from this.

It is very early days yet.

tabulahrasa · 20/08/2013 14:09

With DS, he was amazing...all those little fingers and toes and stuff and I felt responsible for him, but he didn't quite feel like mine for quite a few weeks, he was a tiny stranger, a lovely one, but still a stranger. I did everything for him and I liked him and enjoyed cuddling and playing, but it did take a while to properly feel like he was my baby and that I loved him.

By the time I had DD I was terrified that I was ruining my PFBs life and that I would never love another child the way I did DS.

With DD it was much more instant (and I didn't ruin DS's life, nor did I love DD any less than him, lol) I don't know if it was because I knew more what to expect, because I had a much more straightforward labour - a combination of both or something else entirely, but she was absolutely mine from the first cuddle.

BeingMoreDog · 20/08/2013 14:13

With DD, yes. Incredibly powerful and a real surge.
With DS, no. I kind of thought 'oh dear you look like fil (who is a twat)'. But now it is v intense and strong, and I love the two of them equally and he no longer looks like fil.
DD was a no pain-relief birth, DS was elcs, so I blame the drugs or hormones .

resipsa · 20/08/2013 14:15

Although I knew that I could not be the only one, it is indeed reassuring to read others' experiences on here. I was overwhelmed at the start, in large part because feeding went badly and we had to go back to hospital more than once. At about week 5, DH and I had a conversation about having DD adopted. She felt like an obligation, nothing else. Can't recall when the change occurred but she's now 2.6 and I would die for her.

chocolatesolveseverything · 20/08/2013 15:02

Thanks Mignonette. I'm already receiving extra support from health professionals for pnd which is much appreciated, though things are still very hard. My dh is as supportive ss he can be, but finds my feelings distressing given that he fell in love with ds at first sight. (which he hadn't expected to do!)

mignonette · 20/08/2013 15:10

Chocolate That just goes to show how we can never predict what will happen . Is your DH receiving any support from the HCPS? Sometimes some reassurance from them that your feelings are normal, all part of the spectrum of Motherhood can help him understand your perspective a little easier. Or show him this thread? It'll work out. Just give yourself time to recover. As long as your baby is fed, warm, cuddled, he'll be fine. Sometimes going through the motions can help to trigger feelings of engagement and love.

Melonbreath · 20/08/2013 20:16

Chocolate don't beat yourself up. It will come in time. You are exhausted, overwhelmed, healing and suffering a massive hormone crash and surge.

I didn't get the rush of love. I was just so relieved I wasn't pregnant any more. I did get rushed into surgery afterwards for three hours about 29 minutes after birthing so I don't know if that played a part. I don't think so though. Part of me was relieved to have some time to gather myself.

I did know that dd was to be protected and looked after at all costs though. I did everything to comfort her. Even when I was exhausted after nights of literally no sleep at all and no sleep the next day and I was so tired I couldn't have tea as I was shaking so bad I'd spill it everywhere.

Now when I look at 9 month old dd my heart just melts and if I think about her I have to scoop her up and cuddle her and kiss her head all over.

I am getting sleep now though. I think exhaustion plays a big part in it.

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