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Parenting

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Original poster

I hope you don't mind me asking but, When your D.C(s) were born did was the love there instantly or

71 replies

internationallove985 · 10/08/2013 22:15

did you have to grow to love them. I will admit I had to grow to love my D.D. I mean the sun shines out of her arse now, but other women seem to go on about this instant bond and please don't get me wrong I am not disputing or doubting it but it wasn't like for me. xx

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breatheslowly · 10/08/2013 23:32

No. I had a crap birth and even worse recovery from it, which certainly didn't help. But I also didn't have a sense if bonding with her before she was born that lots of people seem to have. She is now completely adored and we are amazed that we have such a great DD. I think it might be easier second time round as I can appreciate more what a baby might become. Or it might be harder because I feel so strongly about DD.

Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 23:34

Yes I strongly felt I "knew" both my children. Ds particularly, plus the weird way he actually crawled up my belly to get to my boob. Honestly the midwife was freaked too.

MirandaWest · 10/08/2013 23:35

With DS I didn't feel an instant rush of love at all. I think it was partly due to untreated depression (general rather than specifically PND). I didn't really feel it until he was about 15/16 months when I was started to be treated for depression in my pg with DD (which was triggered by unplanned pg but wasn't AND). I sometimes feel bad but I can't change that time although is different now.

With DD I felt overwhelming love instantly. Wasn't until that that I realised I felt very different with DS

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Chubfuddler · 10/08/2013 23:35

And she said he'd been here before.

Pancakeflipper · 10/08/2013 23:41

DC1 - immediate. I wasn't expecting that.
DC2 - 18 months old. I wasn't expecting that either. But once the love came through it blew me away all over again.

Thesebootsweremadeforwalking · 10/08/2013 23:41

Instantly, both times. Though it was different each time - with DC1 I was elated to see him and couldn't stop looking at him afterwards to the point that the MWs kept telling me to go to sleep rather than staring at him, whereas with DC2 it was much more matter of fact, I felt overwhelmingly protective of her rather than awed by her.

ninjasquirrel · 10/08/2013 23:42

No instant love with DS - though I did think he was beautiful! What was nice was my mum had told me that she didn't get it instantly so I didn't worry that there was something wrong that I didn't.
Due DC2 in a couple of months and I have wondered whether I'll feel very conscious of loving DS but not the newborn and feel bad about it...

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras · 10/08/2013 23:52

DC1 - Very traumatic birth but Instant love, shock and terror when I held her!
DCs 2 & 3 (twins) - felt like a lottery jackpot win for weeks (born 10 months after a stillbirth)
DC4 - I said to the midwife 'OH my god, is he really mine' as he was so gorgeous

Could not stop looking at and holding all of them. I can remember smiling all the time for weeks afterwards which is amazing as I am a completely miserable bint.

At 16,11,11 and 3 that feeling has long since worn off but I still remember it vividly.

Princessdeb · 10/08/2013 23:59

My DD was 7 weeks early and born by emcs. I was delighted and immensely relieved when she was born safely but she had to spend time in special care and I was discharged 3 days after the birth so I didn't get spend any time alone with her. I knew I loved her intellectually but I didn't get that overwhelming rush until the night before she was allowed home. I spent the night caring for in a bedroom on the unit (I assume to check that I could cope) and it was the first time we had spent any time as just Mummy and daughter. I remember vividly lying on the bed with her in my arms and suddenly this amazing rush of emotion that left me physically shaking hit me. I burst into tears and called DH who took some persuading that something awful hadn't happened as I was crying down the phone to him teling him I loved DD. I wouldn't swap that moment for anything.

BeaWheesht · 11/08/2013 00:01

Edam - I actually had to check I hadn't written that post and forgotten when I read your first paragraph!

With ds I felt overwhelming love and knew him instantly as if he'd always been missing from my life until then iyswim?

With dd I loved her before she was born as with ds but I had a horrible birth, pph and PND and I didn't get the same bond as I had with ds. I hated myself for that, I mean really, really, hated myself. She's almost 3 now and our bond couldn't be any closer and I love both the kids as much as is humanly possible , I'm not a gushy person normally but I really do love them more than I'd have ever thought I could. However, with dd I still feel like I don't know her in the same way I know ds, nothing to do with love though, sometimes I think it's because ds is more like me whereas dd is entirely unpredictable and so independent it's unreal. other times I think it's because I've known ds in a past life

edam · 11/08/2013 00:02

Theseboots, that made me smile. I remember when ds was a baby spending hours just looking at him with a sense of amazement that dh and I had managed to make someone - a whole brand-new human being - who was just so perfect. All that ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes business. I knew perfectly well there are lots of babies born every day and almost all of them have ten of each, but it was still amazing to me that I'd had ds and he had such tiny fingers and toes.

edam · 11/08/2013 00:05

bea, nice to hear someone else had a very similar experience. Yeah, maybe you did know your ds in a past life, who can tell?

LadyLech · 11/08/2013 00:05

With Dd1, I fell in love instantly. I remember just watching her the night she was born, couldn't sleep and just laid in my bed marvelling at her all night.

With Dd2, I had a difficult birth and didn't have that automatic bond. I remember giving birth, and I had a wait before I went off to theatre, they gave her to me, but I just wasn't interested. I passed her onto my DH, and I just laid in my bed shivering (I was in shock). When I came back from theatre a few hours later, I got to meet her for the first time, but didn't feel anything. However, after a nights sleep I felt better the next day, and fell in love with her then.

lola88 · 11/08/2013 00:08

no instant bond I did love him very much but it took time to be madly crazily in love with him the sun shines out or his arse too :)

Devora · 11/08/2013 00:14

dd1 - about six months. I remember looking down at her and wondering when I would feel I could throw myself in front of a truck for her. I was fond, but also rather numb.

dd2, who is adopted - also about six months. It didn't worry me this time because I knew what to expect.

Some midwives feel that the birth experience is part of this, don't they? If you have a traumatic birth experience, or just miss out on the hormonal cascade of 'natural' birth (as I did, with EMCS followed by adoption) then that might make a difference. I have no idea whether this is borne out by research, just throwing it into the mix.

Wuldric · 11/08/2013 00:15

DC1 - instant
DC2 - when he first smiled at me

steppemum · 11/08/2013 00:23

edam - very like you, I knew ds as soon as I saw him. I was this amazing mixture of meeting someone for the first time that you have known forever.
I felt huge rush of protective tiger mother love the minute I set eyes on him.
And that was after 2 days for labour and rubbish delivery etc. He was also funny colour and mishapen head from 2 hours of pushing.

dd1 was born asleep and has been asleep ever since except middle of the night when she was a baby I don't think I really bonded till she opened her eyes and I could look at her, at 2 weeks old.

dd2 - pretty instant. She lay next to me all night awake just looking at me and we bonded then

working9while5 · 11/08/2013 00:39

I was my lucky enough to see and it definitely helped me cope better with the fact I was somewhere between neutral and negative about ds1 when he was born (long induced dry back to back labour ending in Kiellands forceps in theatre). I was lucky enough to fall instantly in love with ds2 (calm water birth) and I totally jibbered on at him like this waffling on about how like his brother he looked and how they were going to be great friends and just spouting on and on excitedly to him. I love the bones of both of them, none of this made any difference and I ended up with shockingly severe PND after ds2 so the love burst didn't even protect against that!! So it's all a bit inconsequential in the grand scheme of things I believe!

working9while5 · 11/08/2013 00:44

Sorry, felt I didn't do it justice in my post above and it is so worthwhile to watch for any woman carrying secret regrets about not falling instantly in love.

SlightlyItchyBraStrap · 11/08/2013 00:47

Dc1 yes
Dc2 am still waiting 9 weeks now.

steppemum · 11/08/2013 00:48

mind you, despite the instant love, all I wanted was tea and food. I hadn't eaten for 2 days!

YoniRanger · 11/08/2013 00:54

I loved DD fiercely (I literally growled if anyone touched her) from the moment I saw her.

But then I had a birth that makes Saw look like the Care Bears movie.

chattychattyboomba · 11/08/2013 00:58

Emotions went like this

relief! (Omg it's over!!)
despair (it's not over! When can I see my baby?)
surprise (Oh so when you said 'baby' you actually meant baby!)
delayed shock (picture blank face staring for a few hours)
exhaustion (zzzzzz)
fear (what do i do with her? Can someone help me? Please don't send my husband away! I can't feel my legs!)
admiration (how do nostrils get so small?)
adoration (look! She just moved! Awwwwww!)
skip forward a few weeks and all out fearsome pride and protectiveness kicked in.

Marzipanface · 11/08/2013 01:01

Both of mine, I got instant recognition and my heart sort of melted and so did I into a puddle of tears with my first. With my second I was so happy to see him as he had to be resucitated.

It was sort of 'There you are!' feeling and an urgent need to cuddle and hold.

PicardyThird · 11/08/2013 01:50

Not big rush and deafening violins - was too knackered and battered for that -, but gentle, 'natural' (for want of much better word) feeling of how very lovely and darling they were (they were rather beautiful children and still are). Recognition, as if I'd always known them. It's stayed pretty much the same since then. Went in tonight - they are in our bed as dc1 has new mattress and it is airing, and dc2 didn't want to be in their room alone - and their little heads next to each other on the pillow. Just so so lovely. They are 8 and soon to be 6.

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