My Mum smacked my 2 year old - WWYD?

[ThatsNotMyPinot]

Bit of background- DP and I have DS, 2.6 and DD 15 months. My Mum lives a few hours drive away, and visits once, maybe twice a month, depending on what we're up to. She is considering moving to be closer to us next year when she retires. Mum appears to love being a GP, always says she looks forward to seeing the DCs.

Mum was always a fairly strict parent with my three siblings and I, in terms of manners, behaviour etc, which I think has stood us in good stead as we've grown up and become (fairly, ahem) responsible adults. We were smacked as children, although it hasn't (until now maybe), had any lasting affect on me. I've never looked back on my childhood and thought anything particularly bad happened, or that my parents abused us because they smacked us, and my Mum even says herself that she rarely did it beyond the age of 5, as the threat of it was enough to make us step in line pretty quickly. As a result, I always thought that when I had children, I would smack them as a last resort if they were exceptionally naughty.

However...

Since having DS and DD, I have smacked DS on the hand or on the bottom if he has pushed my buttons, BUT I have felt ridiculously guilty, and it just hasn't sat well with me and I know that i've done it when i've lost control, which is never a great thing to do. As a result, i've started to make sure that I walk away if I feel i'm losing my temper, despite what i've always been brought up to think by my parents. I've realised that DS is still too young to understand certain things, and distraction techniques tend to work best. Not negotiating (I can't bear it when a parent spend hours reasoning with two year old Hugo, about why the can't do X), but a firm 'NO', removal, and distraction.

I'm not a push over, in fact DP and I are shit-hot with manners (DS says please and thank you really well already) and behaviour, especially out and about, but otherwise I think our DCs are still so tiny, and we have lots of fun with them whilst instilling said basic manners and age appropriate behaviour.

My Mum, however, thinks that these days parents are too soft with their children, and (in her words) lots of children need "a good slap" and are "brats".

She came to stay with us for the night yesterday. DP was working in the evening, and I needed to pop out in the car for half an hour to pick something up, and Mum said she was happy to look after DS and DD. I returned, put the DCs to bed, and sat down with a glass of wine. DS, who usually goes to sleep well, called me upstairs a couple of times, before finally going to sleep. I said to my Mum that he was probably excited because she was here, and Mum said "I doubt it, I gave him a slap on the legs whilst you were out, because he kept playing with the net curtains after i'd asked him not to. He ran over to the other chair wailing and holding his leg". She was laughing a bit as she said this, and my face must have looked a bit blank and shocked, because she quickly said "I'm sure it was just the shock, rather than it hurting".

I just didn't know what to think for the rest of the evening. If I don't feel comfortable smacking our DCs (DP has never smacked DS), i'm not sure I want anyone else to. I guess i'm confused because i've been bought up to think smacking was 'normal', and i'm still very much of the ilk that 'it takes a village to raise a child'. I have no problem with anyone telling off my children if they're naughty, but I'm now questioning my whole belief system. I was so sure I would smack my DCs (pre-children), so i've surprised myself with how I feel now.

I know Mum would think I was wet if I told her not to smack either of our DCs. I'm also uneasy with a few other things she's done the last couple of days, like telling 14 month old DD to "shut it", when she was making a "Ba Ba BAAAAAAA!" noise in a coffee shop today, and then told DS to "play quietly, you're giving me a headache", when he was spinning round in a circle in our living room today. I don't think he was doing anything wrong at all, he was even being very loud. She also is very strict about eating everything on your plate, and I find mealtimes with the kids and her stressy, whereas i'm laid back (deliberately, due to having issues i'm sure caused by how she was with my eating when I was little). The DCs are both amazing eaters, but she cringes at mess made and has told DD she's 'naughty girl' for getting food on the floor.

Reading all this, she sounds horrible , but she's mostly lovely, and i'm sure she'd be devastated if I told her all the above as I know she loves the DCs. She admits herself that she's not a natural parent. I'm just coming to realise that we have VERY different parenting styles. I'm pretty strict, but she's on a whole other level! I'm concerned about her influence on the DCs should she move closer and see them more. I not sure if i'd leave the DCs alone with her in future. My in-laws, on the other hand, are fabulous, and DS and DD adore them. DS wasn't keen to hold my Mum's hand today out and about, and didn't want to go downstairs and see her this morning. If MIL were there, he'd be all over her, and i'd be ignored- that's the contrast that i'm starting to see.

As I said previously, i'm really questioning my whole belief system now. Trouble is, DM thinks that I think the same as her still, but I don't.

WWYD? What do you think? I'm not sure what i'm asking here really. Just needed to spill. I really don't want to fall out with or upset my Mum, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm not scared of DM by the way, I just want to be diplomatic if possible.

Yikes, that was LONG!

If I don't come back straight away, means i've been distracted by the dinner!

Don't question your belief system! I'd have a lot to say - and give the sweary Malcolm tucker a run or his money- to anyone who hit my child. Diplomatically, I don't know how you can politely deal with this, but don't start second guessing yourself!

I am doing my best not to be too harsh on your DM here, as I'm listening to your point that she can be lovely and would be upset to hear all of the above... as without your having made that point, I have to admit she sounds pretty awful. Personally, I would be livid if my DM smacked one of my children, and in many ways my DM doesn't sound entirely dissimilar to yours. I was smacked as a child, although not often. My DM and I have quite different ideas about parenting in some respects, and similar attitudes regarding others.

My own opinion is against smacking children full-stop. It didn't do me any harm, but this is a different generation and culture that we live in now. I'm a GP and the whole issues of smacking / child abuse are such a minefield that just from that point of view it isn't worth it. Imagine you only ever smacked lightly, when the child had been really naughty, and never in anger - and your child happens to mention to his / her nursery teacher that "when Mummy smacked me"... The teacher doesn't know whether you were calm and gentle, or if you had totally lost the plot and walloped them in anger. Don't put yourself in that situation, is always my advice.

But regardless of your viewpoint on smacking - even if you decide it is okay, I think it is totally unacceptable for anyone other than a parent to do it. It's just wrong for other adults, even close relatives, to think they can slap your child if they misbehave. They should tell them not to do a certain behaviour, be stern if needed, then report to Mum and Dad if the child really played them up. Parents should do the serious discipline and consequences for bad behaviour, not grandparents, aunts, uncles or anyone else who feels they are okay to do so. My advice regarding your DM would be either to get into the whole "I'm not going to smack my kids" conversation and therefore she certainly can't, which sounds like it might open up a debate, or if you can't be bothered / don't want the hassle of discussing it with her in depth, just tell her that you think only Mum and Dad should be allowed to do that, and please can she refrain from doing so again.

My Mum has occasionally said things to my ds1 (4.5yo) that I don't like, and bring back some difficult childhood memories, but nothing really bad enough for me to discuss it with her. We don't live close so our time with her is limited, so that probably makes it easier for me in that respect. If she does cross the line and say something that upsets me though then I will tell her and ask her not to. Good luck!

I think you need to protect your children from her, OP. You say she is "mostly lovely" but she doesn't sound it. She sounds short-tempered, rude, intolerant and generally stressful to have around.

Go with your instincts - stop worrying about upsetting your mother and concern yourself with the fact that she is upsetting your - very little - children. If she's like this now, when they're babies, what on earth will she be like as they get older?

Thank you Quertas - I mean that i've been questioning the belief system that I was raised with as I now don't think I want to children smacked. I will stick to my guns. Just told DP and he's not overly happy, he definitely thinks I should say something. 'How' is the question!

Btw I was trying to be polite writing that - I would likely go ballistic!

I'd chill about everything except meals.

Trying to get DD2 to eat when she doesn't want to has taught me that just gets nasty and is pointless.

Your DM and my DDad are never going to change and given the awful behaviour of some DCs you see about why should they.

Like you I smack occasionally, but I only feel guilty if I was a bit quick to get cross.

I know it's not the modern way, but it says you have gone to far firmly and quickly, which suits DD1 perfectly.

DD2 is better sent to her room to calm down, but DD1 just wants to be punished and get on with life.

I really need to grow a pair and tell her that if the DCs do anything that she thinks warrants "a slap" then to kindly refrain and tell DP or I and we'll deal with it accordingly.

I need to keep reminding myself of how tiny they are, not older children who should know better.

I think you have to say something to your mum. It depends how close you are to how you approach it I think. But my mum always says, if you don't stick up for your child no one else will. So if something is going on that your not happy with you have to speak up. Easier said than do I know, but you sound like a very good parent and you know what's best for your children.

Smacking and car seats are my two non- negotiables. You need to tell your mum firmly but in a matter-of-fact manner so that she understands that your rules apply. If she is going to do any childcare for you, you may need to explain and demonstrate what method you do use. I found out yesterday that what we use is now called a "time in" ( bloody parenting labels!) but it works successfully for us. We are also very strict on manners and behaviour.

I would be fucking raging.

i never smack even though my Mum was violent towards us. Her behaviour taught me how a. It doesn't work. B. it causes resentment, fear and anger.

In no uncertain terms do you hit my child. She needs to update her skills to the 21st century if she wants to remain in contact with your very young children.

"Your DM and my DDad are never going to change and given the awful behaviour of some DCs you see about why should they"

But the OP doesn't want her DM to hit her children - so if the DM is not going to change, she has to be supervised at all times and never left alone with her grandchildren...because she can't be trusted to do what the parent wants.

Your mum is your mum - you don't really have an objective view point.

From reading your OP, she sounds horrible and unable to deal with babies and toddlers without resorting to horrible comments and brute force.

I wouldn't leave my children with her in charge.

Apart from anything else, OP, your mother is showing absolutely no respect for you as a parent.

It is not her place to decide how your children should be brought up - that's a decision for you and your OH, and she needs to accept this.

Sorry, OP, she doesn't sound lovely, she sounds like a real strain to deal with. In my book, smacking is a total no-no and you owe it to yourself and your children to get this across to her. Could you go out for coffee with her and have a civilised conversation about it? It's sometimes easier to broach these tricky topics in a public place, so both parties feel some pressure to keep it calm. But you aren't negotiating with her - you are telling her that NO-ONE hits your children, ever.

You need to stand up to your Mother. Yu are allowing her to take charge when she is around. It seems like you revert to being the child.

For example at mealtimes, you need to stand up for the dc and say, they've had enough, amd that you don't expect them to eat any more.

With the smacking thing, you need to clearly tell her she is not to do it. You have to not care what she thinks of that and just tell her straight.

Thank you for all your comments, it's clear what I need to do.

I think i've got the message across with regards to mealtimes, as i've firmly but breezily just taken away the DCs food when I know they're done, or if they don't want more, regardless of what they've eaten AND (shock horror to my Mum), given them fruit and yoghurt regardless. They eat bloody well usually, so I know i'm doing the right thing there. As a result I feel she's eased up on this, although it doesn't come naturally to her.

Now I need to tackle the serious issue of the smacking. I think i'm going to bring it up when I next have general chat about how the DCs are doing/any 'bad' behaviour from DS, and say firmly that DP and I have decided not to smack anymore as we don't agree with it and don't feel it works for DS or for us. I'll see what she says about it and then go from there- if she protests i'll make it clear we don't want ANYONE smacking them.

Actually I'd just tell her you don't want her to smack them, don't leave any ambiguity there.

I think you need to have a firm, and reasonable conversation with your Mum, and explain how you feel about the smacking. If she is a reasonable person she will realise that you are a different type of parent to her. They are your DC's and it is your decision to make!

I am similar to you I think, in that I was smacked, and didn't have a problem with it in theory. I totally changed my mind the time I tapped DS on the hand for repeatedly fiddling with things instead of eating his dinner. He looked at me all wounded, and said "You shouldn't hit Mummy" with his lip wobbling. I had no comeback to that! That was the last time I was tempted to smack him.

Just say you don't want her to smack the children or physically punish or manhandle them in any way.

Actually I'd just tell her you don't want her to smack them, don't leave any ambiguity there.

I agree. Otherwise you risk her "misunderstanding" and feeling she can continue to do things her way when she's around. You don't have to go into long-winded explanations of your own parenting methods - it's not her business. She's the granny - she does things your way.

I know how hard it is to stand up to your mother, and although you've been generous about her, she sounds like a bully. So was my mother. I tolerated it until my first baby arrived and then told her she could either accept my rules, or have no involvement with my children - and like most bullies, she backed down once she realised I was serious.

OP, I apologise for going on and on, but I've just re-read your first post. You say your mother instilled good manners in you as children - so how on earth does she justify telling a baby to "shut it" when you were in a cafe? That is downright horrible, and certainly not the behaviour of someone who cares about manners.

She is reminding me more and more of my (toxic, narcissistic) mother...she was always right, too - one rule for her, and another for everyone else.

Yes I agree actually with telling her that you don't want anyone else to smack them. You can always then say that you and dh have decided not to do smacking full stop, but phrasing it that way lets her know that she crossed the line and should take a step back and leave proper disciplining to you. Otherwise it does come across a little like a smacking issue only, and not that it was entirely inappropriate for her to have done it.

your mum sounds quite a lot like mine.

i don't smack my dc. to my knowledge my mother has never smacked them as i'm sure they would have told me (but she's rarely on her own with them) but if she did i would extremely firmly explain to her that she is not to do it again, just like i've had to tell her not to tell dd off for "not being ladylike" or commenting on my notatallfat dc being a bit fat etc.

she doesn't like it but she has over the last 12 year gradually learned to respect my style of parenting which is very different to hers, and has even recently commented that my way is better....

You will have to be very direct for the sake of your dc. They are your children and when they are tiny other people have to follow your rules.

I used the phrase 'we don't do/say/allow that, we do X instead' quite a bit to my MIL and Mum. It gets much easier the more you say it!