My Mum smacked my 2 year old - WWYD?

[ThatsNotMyPinot]

Bit of background- DP and I have DS, 2.6 and DD 15 months. My Mum lives a few hours drive away, and visits once, maybe twice a month, depending on what we're up to. She is considering moving to be closer to us next year when she retires. Mum appears to love being a GP, always says she looks forward to seeing the DCs.

Mum was always a fairly strict parent with my three siblings and I, in terms of manners, behaviour etc, which I think has stood us in good stead as we've grown up and become (fairly, ahem) responsible adults. We were smacked as children, although it hasn't (until now maybe), had any lasting affect on me. I've never looked back on my childhood and thought anything particularly bad happened, or that my parents abused us because they smacked us, and my Mum even says herself that she rarely did it beyond the age of 5, as the threat of it was enough to make us step in line pretty quickly. As a result, I always thought that when I had children, I would smack them as a last resort if they were exceptionally naughty.

However...

Since having DS and DD, I have smacked DS on the hand or on the bottom if he has pushed my buttons, BUT I have felt ridiculously guilty, and it just hasn't sat well with me and I know that i've done it when i've lost control, which is never a great thing to do. As a result, i've started to make sure that I walk away if I feel i'm losing my temper, despite what i've always been brought up to think by my parents. I've realised that DS is still too young to understand certain things, and distraction techniques tend to work best. Not negotiating (I can't bear it when a parent spend hours reasoning with two year old Hugo, about why the can't do X), but a firm 'NO', removal, and distraction.

I'm not a push over, in fact DP and I are shit-hot with manners (DS says please and thank you really well already) and behaviour, especially out and about, but otherwise I think our DCs are still so tiny, and we have lots of fun with them whilst instilling said basic manners and age appropriate behaviour.

My Mum, however, thinks that these days parents are too soft with their children, and (in her words) lots of children need "a good slap" and are "brats".

She came to stay with us for the night yesterday. DP was working in the evening, and I needed to pop out in the car for half an hour to pick something up, and Mum said she was happy to look after DS and DD. I returned, put the DCs to bed, and sat down with a glass of wine. DS, who usually goes to sleep well, called me upstairs a couple of times, before finally going to sleep. I said to my Mum that he was probably excited because she was here, and Mum said "I doubt it, I gave him a slap on the legs whilst you were out, because he kept playing with the net curtains after i'd asked him not to. He ran over to the other chair wailing and holding his leg". She was laughing a bit as she said this, and my face must have looked a bit blank and shocked, because she quickly said "I'm sure it was just the shock, rather than it hurting".

I just didn't know what to think for the rest of the evening. If I don't feel comfortable smacking our DCs (DP has never smacked DS), i'm not sure I want anyone else to. I guess i'm confused because i've been bought up to think smacking was 'normal', and i'm still very much of the ilk that 'it takes a village to raise a child'. I have no problem with anyone telling off my children if they're naughty, but I'm now questioning my whole belief system. I was so sure I would smack my DCs (pre-children), so i've surprised myself with how I feel now.

I know Mum would think I was wet if I told her not to smack either of our DCs. I'm also uneasy with a few other things she's done the last couple of days, like telling 14 month old DD to "shut it", when she was making a "Ba Ba BAAAAAAA!" noise in a coffee shop today, and then told DS to "play quietly, you're giving me a headache", when he was spinning round in a circle in our living room today. I don't think he was doing anything wrong at all, he was even being very loud. She also is very strict about eating everything on your plate, and I find mealtimes with the kids and her stressy, whereas i'm laid back (deliberately, due to having issues i'm sure caused by how she was with my eating when I was little). The DCs are both amazing eaters, but she cringes at mess made and has told DD she's 'naughty girl' for getting food on the floor.

Reading all this, she sounds horrible , but she's mostly lovely, and i'm sure she'd be devastated if I told her all the above as I know she loves the DCs. She admits herself that she's not a natural parent. I'm just coming to realise that we have VERY different parenting styles. I'm pretty strict, but she's on a whole other level! I'm concerned about her influence on the DCs should she move closer and see them more. I not sure if i'd leave the DCs alone with her in future. My in-laws, on the other hand, are fabulous, and DS and DD adore them. DS wasn't keen to hold my Mum's hand today out and about, and didn't want to go downstairs and see her this morning. If MIL were there, he'd be all over her, and i'd be ignored- that's the contrast that i'm starting to see.

As I said previously, i'm really questioning my whole belief system now. Trouble is, DM thinks that I think the same as her still, but I don't.

WWYD? What do you think? I'm not sure what i'm asking here really. Just needed to spill. I really don't want to fall out with or upset my Mum, but I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm not scared of DM by the way, I just want to be diplomatic if possible.

Yikes, that was LONG!

Your OP sounds strongly like you're more worried about hurting your mums feelings than protecting your children.

You need to sit her down, tell her that her relationship with her GC is important to you but that smacking them is massively overstepping the mark and completely unacceptable. As is telling a baby to "shut it". If she has issues with their behaviour then she must bring them to you.

I'm afraid you should probably never leave them with her. Your DS is likely to remember the smacking incident for some time. She doesn't sound like she has any patience or control in the face of normal toddler behaviour.

I was smacked as a child by both parents. My DF who visits regularly would never dream of smacking my children. If he did, I would have told hi. To pack his things and leave. I will not tolerate anyone hurting my kids. Personally I think if you can't parent without inflicting physical harm in your kids then you need some help. Parents either smack in anger, because they've lost it, or in a cold calculated way to punish. Either is pretty scary.

I'm so glad you've chosen to parent a different way OP. Now collect your courage and show your Mum what you wrote in your OP.

Breezy and direct with your mother, stick to your guns with your children. This is your home and your family, I am sure when she was a young woman she did not allow others to come into her home and dictate to her about the way she brought you up.

And don't for a moment think that children have to be less well behaved because they are not smacked. Plenty of cultures don't smack and still manage good behaviour.

"Your OP sounds strongly like you're more worried about hurting your mums feelings than protecting your children." I agree with this but I do think its a perfectly normal response.

I think a lot of people worry about upsetting their parents. I know I was, mainly because as we grew up we we not allowed to question what my parents said or did. Their word was law and woe betide anyone who dared to question them. It took me a couple of years to realise this was MY child, I was the parent and I was well within my rights to tell my own parents and ILs that we weren't happy with what they said/did with our children.

You need to take a deep breath and just of for it OP.

Obviously agree that you need to nip your mum's smacking and general nastiness in the bud and plenty of people have already suggested how you should do this.
One point which struck me was that it has already (unsurprisingly) affected the relationship between your DS and your mother. If she really is as lovely as you say, despite all the evidence to the contrary, then perhaps this may be the one thing which makes her re-evaluate her approach of her own accord. If she carries on as she is, she will most likely completely destroy her relationship with her grandson and, in time, her granddaughter too. Does she want that?

Given that you say she is lovely and loves the children I think I would just very firmly tell her that all disciplining of the kids was strictly my job and that she wasn't to smack them.

And then I'd monitor it closely

If you want child care exactly your way you pay for it and you never leave the child alone with your parents when you visit.

You can ask your parents not to smack, shout at, feed sweets to your DCs, but you cannot tell them not to.

Sorry to disagree StarBall but you can tell your parents not to smack your child.

You cannot tell any other adult to do anything unless you are in a position of power over them.

You are not in a position of power over your parents ever (unless you get power of attorney when they are very old and then you only control their finances).

You can respectfully ask you them treat your DCs the way you like and they can respectfully tell you to fuck off.

I don't agree with you. I have told my parents not to say/do specific things for example making comments about my DDs body shape. I didn't ask them not to, I told them, in no uncertain terms not to do it. They could have told mt to fuck off, but they didn't.

You are in a position of power over your parents BTW. If they go against your wishes then they see less/don't see your kids. It really is that simple. You always have power if you have anything that another person wants, although I'd prefer not to live my whole life on the concept of power dynamics.

OP you are perfectly entitled to tell your Mother that you do not want your children smacked, that they are not to be nagged about food, that you don't want your DD spoken to in that way. If you don't want to smack, then make a decision with your DH not to smack your children. Then announce it to your Mother and any one else to whom it might be relevant. If she tries to argue just reply "DH and I have decided not to smack our children" and repeat like a broken record. Do no try to convince her unless she is interested not just trying to change your mind.

And then you can spoil forever your and your DCs relationship with your parents and their grandparents through your arrogance.

Or you can show the same wisdom that my DD1 shows in Loving Grandpa just the way he is. She knows he loves her and she knows he has always and will always have a short fuse sometimes.

Sorry to get contentious Starball, but if anyones 'relationship' with another human being, at any age, is premised on the idea they may hit you if they don't like what you do, then it's not a relationship worth having in my view. You can indeed tell your child's carers what they can and can't do and part of being a parent is making those decisions for your child so that they get consistency and stability.

Star how does your Father show his 'short fuse'?

If he gets a bit cross occasionally then fair enough, you have nothing much to worry about. If he says horrible things to your child or smacks them, then you should be telling him to control his 'short fuse' inorder to protect your child.

OP, you are not being "wet" because you choose to discipline differently to your mother.
A lot of people spend years trying to ensure they never repeat parenting patterns.

As a Gran, I think it matters that you have recognised that your mother genuinely loves the children. She seems to just feel that it is OK for her to 'grandmother' them in the same way that she 'mothered'. This is a fairly instinctive thing, so as Grans we do have to work at making sure we don't blithely do it 'our way' but the way our children want.
Sometimes people just need to be told that it needs to be your way, because they are your children, and the grandmother role is not the same.

I would not instigate a row or an upset, but would find a quiet time to chat and explain that, although you know she is only trying to be supportive, you are not happy for your children to be smacked by anyone but you. Because you are the parent.
You love her, respect her, and are not taking her to task over your own childhood, because you do sometimes opt to smack. Biut it must only ever be your choice. Not anyone else's. Not even a grandparent.

Discuss with her ways that she can use to control the children, other than smacking.

If she is a sensible person, and you have a good relationship, the discussion will hopefully go OK.
Good luck, OP.

If Grandad has a short fuse and is prevented from seeing his grandchildren as a result, HE is the one who has spoiled his relationship with them. Not you, the parent who is protecting them.

Yes, but I think there is a huge difference between picking huge fights with parents and inlaws over the very occational (perhaps twice in 15 years slap) and the odd too quick sharp word.

And toxic Grandparents repeating a cycle of put downs and self-esteem destroying behaviours parents recognise damaged them.

I just feel that there really needs to be a bit more respect for our parents generation, a bit more gratitude for the childhoods they gave us and a bit less expecting GPs to provide free childcare on exactly the parents terms.

I could not disagree with you more, Star.

No parent is entitled to the automatic love & respect of their adult children ....you either earn it from them as they grow up or you reap the rewards of doing a crap job.
As a grandparent, the job is to offer the support ones children would like, on their terms, because they are the parents and it is their life and their children.
If you have built a loving trusting relationship with your daughter over the years, then mutual respect is a given and any issues which do arise can be dealt with without undue upset.

Grandparents are not 'entitled' to anything. It is a privilege to be invited to share in the care of grandchildren, not a right. It is a blessing to share their world, but lets make no mistake that it is THEIR world.

You reap what you sow.

Support ones children on their terms.

ie. be treated worse than an 18year old au pair.

Do parents who think they can micro manage their parents relationship with their DCs think they can do the same with their CMs, nurseries and schools, because believe me you can't.

But isn't that precisely why GC's can offer such great support, and mothers feel GC care is better than nurseries or CM's ? .... why should parents not feel safe in the knowledge that their child is receiving exactly the care they want them to receive.
There are limits, obviously, when you talk about micro management, but if my DD says that the rule is no refined sugars ....why would I flout that?
if my DD says no napping after 3pm....why would I flout that?

• naughty step, not smacking, well I am not inclined to smack anyway but why would I flout that.

And why would the parents not have justified cause to be unhappy if I did flout their choices.

Banning smacking is not micromanaging a relationship. School teachers, childminders and nursery staff are not allowed to hit children in their care and can face disciplinary action from their employer for doing so. I think you can make a distinction between preferences - I'd prefer my daughter did not get exposed to too much Disney Princess shite but the odd sighting of a Pocahontas sticker book wont kill her - and rules, of which don't hit my child is actually top of my list in terms of childcare whether I pay for it or not.Preferences are negotiable, rules are not.

If an Au Pair dared to smack a child she would pretty instantly be dismissed, and could find herself facing the police.
StarBallBunny - are you in the UK? because your attitudes seem a bit odd.

this is always going to be an emotive subject - especially on here. some people think smacking is OK, others dont - you obviously dont.

if you dont want your mother to smack your kids you need to tell her that.

An 18yo au pair would certainly not be allowed to go against her employers' wishes and smack a child, so I don't see why asking the mother not to do so would be treating her worse than same 18yo au pair.

An au pair- and indeed any adult who entered the house (as the OPs mother had done on this occasion: she was on a visit)- would also have to follow general house rules.

My parents are in their sixties, I have immense for their wisdom and experience, and I am incredibly grateful for their help and tell them so. I still wouldn't allow them to assault my child and I fail to see how that's arrogant.

My dad smacked me growing up and it has really harmed our relationship. Why is it acceptable to smack a child why has been "naughty", but not a rude adult in the street? Because one is assault, one is discipline? I'm currently pregnant and expecting my son in November, and if anyone lays a finger on him I will go in and out through them. Whether he is related to them or not is beside the point.