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Parenting

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Original poster

Its ME that gets seperation anxiety!

20 replies

Thumbtack · 06/05/2013 08:52

How do I learn not to be so clingy? I'm an older new mum with my pfb, He is 7 mo and I cant leave him alone . . As soon as he starts to grizzle even a tiny bit, when playing I whip him up to be consoled, I dont even give him a chance to change his mind. I feel I need to let him learn how to play by himself a little bit more without me interfering. Will it just come with time - I dont want to be an overprotective interfering mother, but I seem to be?

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HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm · 06/05/2013 10:18

7 mo is still very little! How about trying non-contact settling to begin with? So if he grizzles get down to his level, smile/sing/make faces to try to get rid of the grizzles, and then pick up if it escalates.

As he grows, yes, I do think you can be too clingy, to your DS's detriment. Maybe consider leaving him with a grandparent/friend for a few hours of an evening and get out with your DP as a start point. Try baby groups and let him explore. Swimming is great too for trying new things and gives you full permission to be clingy! Lots of new experiences for both of you and you'll get there.

Of course the ultimate way to stop this is to have another DC, but that may be a bit drastic!!

lola88 · 06/05/2013 10:51

You just need to step back and remember a few tears will not hurt him infact I know babies need to learn how to manage their anger and or upset on their own. He will benefit from some space of his own to feel how he feels he's allowed to be annoyed or upset it's normal

Just be around so if he wants you he can tell you other wise leave him to it. If you haven't left him with anyone else it would be good for you both to do it now it will show you that he can survive without you and vice versa.

CreatureRetorts · 06/05/2013 16:34

How do you know babies need to learn to manage their own anger? What a strange idea.

Babies don't really have that many ways of communicating - just do what feels right to you. As he gets older and depending on his mood, you can vary your responses. If he grizzles, see what's happening and if he gets more upset then go to him. Sometimes you cant always get there immediately - not the end of the world though!

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lola88 · 06/05/2013 16:41

Well mummy can't be there ever single time to help so they must learn how to cope alone with whatever is bothering them for a few mins without having a full scale melt down because they can't get the triangle in the square hole or whatever might be pissing them of at the time.

Everyone needs to learn at some point, doing everything for them and not letting them get upset at all for years isn't going to help when they go to school or nursery where they can not constantly comforted why leave it until they are 3 or 4 to show them how to deal with the not so nice feelings and emotions start right away. That's how I do it and it works for us.

Original poster

Thumbtack · 06/05/2013 17:22

Thankyou for replying, I think I needed to see reassurance in black and white. Silly, really.

Ive been watching my dp with him today and tbh I can learn something from him as he is quite relaxed- Im going to give it a few moments before I jump in from now on, and yes, non - contact settling is a great idea.

My dp said 'leave him for a second, whats the worst do you think will happen? He may, or may not, end up with a full on cry and if so you'll comfort him - no big deal'

Wisest words he has ever said! so i'm going to back off a little bit now . . its tough this parenting lark!

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CreatureRetorts · 07/05/2013 08:45

I think you might be confusing a 7 month old with an older toddler.

I have two DCs - youngest one I couldn't go to every time, but I would and could if she got upset. I didn't leave her to teach her to manage her anger - but I will do as I did with my eldest, and tell him in one or few words what he was feeling. That way once he could talk, he could tell me what was wrong and deal with it if I wasn't around.

I suspect we might be saying similar things though - hard to convey over the net!

Tailtwister · 07/05/2013 12:56

7 months is still really young. Your feelings are totally natural, as is your reaction to go to him. You are programmed to respond to him and tbh I wouldn't say you're experiencing anxiety, you're experiencing a normal parenting response.

As he grows your approach will gradually change. Don't discredit your natural instincts. You feel the way you do for a reason.

Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 17:51

Thankyou again for your replies, I think your right that 7mo is still very young. I tried to give it a minute before i stepped in and it seemed very forced, so I wont be doing that again.

My concern was that I am preventing him from progressing such as;

he is on his tummy and starts to 'squeal' a little bit and I usually pick him up - do i leave him so that he wriggles a bit and thus he learns movements which helps him progress towards crawling?

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Signet2012 · 07/05/2013 17:58

I'm reading with interest. I'm extremely clingy with dd. infact she is 8 months old and I've never left her side.

I've just arranged for my dad to have her next week for a couple of hours after I finish my first night shift and I'm so nervous!
I need to do it. She has two sets of grandparents who are dying to have her and I think the time would be beneficial to both of us but the thought of it makes me feel sick!

I'm such a wuss!!

Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 18:49

Feeling your pain signet!

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Signet2012 · 07/05/2013 18:54

It's funny but before she was born I was planning on going back to work three days a week and had it all planned out.

Now I've took a few steps down the ladder to a much lesser role and doing two night shifts a week to make sure I can spend as much time with her as possible.

The only person I have left her with is her dad and that's been while I'm still in the house having a sleep or cleaning or to pop to the local shop for milk.

She was ebf which was a great excuse as to why I couldn't leave her but now she is on three meals a day and still bf but she has the odd bottle so I have no excuses now.

I had great relationships with my grandparents and I don't want to prevent her from having the same. There are some trust issues but nothing major. Nothing life or death. So I need to get a grip!!!

CreatureRetorts · 07/05/2013 18:55

Tummy time - well if there's asense of effort on his part, why not try and get down to his level and see if you can engage with him while he's doing it.
Are you an anxious person normally?

nethunsreject · 07/05/2013 18:58

Op, I think it's perfectly normal to pick up your baby when he's grizzly!! Not sure why our culture is so desperate to force kids into independence so quickly. If you're just there anyway, why wouldn't you pick him up? You're doing it right!

Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 19:35

CreatureRetorts I never was an anxious person before I had my ds - I was really laid back! It's pathetic . . Like signet I've turned into a wuss.

Perhaps I'm overt honking it . .

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Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 19:36

Overt honking it????

Over thinking it! Bloody autocorrect!

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CreatureRetorts · 07/05/2013 19:51

I'm just wondering if you're suffering from a lack of confidence. Has someone questioned your abilities or have you read something which has made you doubt yourself?

Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 20:13

I think you've hit the nail on the head with that last comment. Yes lots of my friends and family joke/point out my 'attachment parent' style, (which just happened I didn't plan it)and yes I think Ive started to question myself.

This is why I love MN - I hadnt made that connection.

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Original poster

Thumbtack · 07/05/2013 20:20

Forgot to say thankyou . .

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CreatureRetorts · 07/05/2013 21:05

No worries. Just ignore them and do what feels right. It's hard though! I got a lot of comments with my first (we didn't leave ds to cry etc) and I found myself defending myself continuously. And doubting.

Then with dd I just got on with it and smiled sweetly at comments then carried on as I was.

Lavenderhoney · 09/05/2013 10:42

I always picked mine up, especially at 7 months. It's fine. I think 7 months, when they are still so helpless, and needing to feel safe with you, is definite pick up. Why wait? It might distress him more.

When my ds was 2, or thereabouts, he fell and I swooped in with " oh, your poor knee, would you like a kiss?" And he said through clenched teeth, " no, I'm fine" and limped off, leaving me open mouthed:)

I was friends with a mum who left her ds to sob and wail and if he fell and cried " just said " it's nothing, you baby" and " it'll toughen you up" And criticsed me no end for picking up ds. Apparently he would be a mummies boy. He isn't, and as he got older, started to cope.

Your dh way is ok too, btw- your baby will learn to be with him, and know he isn't so quick to jump in. He will get to know you both, and your ways:)

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