Sex life after becoming new parents

[gembob1983]

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place, but assumed as we are all parents on here there might be someone who understands!

My fiancé & I had our baby this year in jan & got engaged shortly after. Everything was perfect, our sex life resumed 3 weeks after my c section & was great , I'd say better than before.

Anyway, all of a sudden it's stopped. We've not had sex now for 2 months & counting. I mentioned it casually to my fiancé and he said he thought I was tired and not really interested, to which point i said I am still totally interested and that I wanted him to initiate it sometimes and to know he still finds me attractive. He assures me he does yet still 2 weeks on and we haven't made love!

The last time was over 2 months ago when I just got in the shower with him, but it stopped quite quickly after it started as it was a bit awkward in the shower & then he just got out and got dressed & that was the end of that :(

He isn't stressed with work as he likes his job, his only complaint is tiredness (his new sex excuse) but then wouldn't you have thought that he would be more tired when he was working and sharing night feeds 3 weeks after having our baby than 4 months on when she sleeps from 6-6 and I get up to do the morning feed? I make things so relaxed for him when he comes home, sometimes he has had to make food but he did that before we had a baby as he often got back from work before me.

I don't know why it's changed but I feel so upset & in unattractive to him, which he knows! Iv been honest as I think communication is key.
:(

[gembob1983]

• to add - he also seems not interested in being around me. He plays ges on his phone all the time, goes to the toilet for about an hour sometimes 2/3 times a night! We went to the pub last night & he got drunk, would have carried on but we had a baby (it was a nice restaurant place not like your local) it was 10.30 and everyone that was out was tired. He was chatty & lively but as soon as we got home be went out side to play football with the dog and I sat on my own for ages. Then I go to bed at the same time as him and he says he goes to brush his teeth but takes ages & it's like he avoids me for so long he hopes I'm asleep :(

[mrspaddy]

Oh god.. I don't know what to advise except a big talk.. don't let him brush this off. There is something on his mind I think. Better to sort it now.. if you got engaged and had a baby he obviously loves you. Just ask straight questions and tell him you are only willing to listen to a straight answer.

[gembob1983]

We are planning our wedding and he seems excited about it. It's like everything else is ok but he doesn't want to make love to me anymore. He says he wants more children with me once we are marred, not sure how that's going to work! Sorry to post 3 times but I'm so upset and can't talk to anyone about this & my fiancé isn't listening x

[TeWiSavesTheDay]

I'm sorry, sounds difficult.

What's he up to on his phone? Is he playing a game, online etc?

[gembob1983]

Yeah just playing games as far as iv seen! I've not found anything odd on his phone & he's not gambling or anything! I feel paranoid though!

[specialsubject]

sulk and won't talk - how juvenile. Tell him to tell you what has changed.

you may not like the answer but being pissed about like this is not acceptable. If he's missing all that sleep he must be tired and not much help in the house, and probably sod all use in his job.

find out what is going on because this is not normal.

[Fairylea]

If he's always on his phone and going off to the toilet (with his phone ?) .. well what is he up to? Sounds fishy to me. I'd be thinking another woman, sorry. Try to snoop and see what you find.

Having a baby doesn't always have an impact on sex. Initially yes it's exhausting and dh and I have gone through droughts. But we have dd 10 years old and ds 11 months old and still manage it most days. I appreciate that's more than a lot of couples. I think something is definitely up with your dp to change his behaviour so much.

[TimothyClaypoleLover]

I don't think its fair to suggest OP's DP is having an affair just because he is on his phone all the time. In the days before smart phones, maybe, but now you can access everything on your phone it is only natural that people spend more time on their phones.

I think it is plausible that your DP thinks you are too tired for sex. However, as you have raised the issue he should now know that is not the case. Perhaps make sure you have date nights away from baby so you can talk a bit more. Sex drives can and do change for all manner of reasons.

Sex after children can definitely change relationships. My DH and I do not have sex nearly as much as before the kids and its a combination of sometimes too tired, sometimes different bedtimes, not being able to find time for one another due to kids or other things etc.

Hope you can work this out OP.

[Mnetter111]

I think you need to talk to him seriously, our sex life is about the same as before, we go through small droughts of a couple of weeks if especially busy etc but not longer than that. It could be a range of things, perhaps he wants more time on his own but you definitely need to talk. The phone thing sounds like he's found some sort of new hobby that he doesn't want you to know about which concerns me.

[HearMyRoar]

I think there is a difference between affection and sex. Since we have had dd me and dp have had a very...um...variable sex life. She is a terrible sleeper and we are often just too exhausted to make the effort. However, even when we didn't do it for months we are still very affectionate and show each over we care. There is always lots of cuddles, kisses and flirtation do I am not in count that dp loves me and finds me attractive.

I think all relationships go through droughts but what you describe is more then that. It is a withdrawal from you emotionally and I think it is this that is the problem not simply a lack of sex.

[AuntieStella]

There are all sorts of possible factors here. Tiredness is probably a factor, as is settling into new identity as parents.

But as OP mentioned a complete change in phone activities, it is likely that she is seeing it as a red flag. That length of time in private with a phone is odd - you don't need to be that long in the loo. It might be inocuous, but it needs to be bottomed out.

Ignoring OP's stated need for him to initiate sex is at best inconsiderate.

I think OP is right about communication being the key. Are there areas other than sex where there are communication problems?

[matana]

OP you say you haven't found anything strange on his pnone which implies that you've been checking. And that implies that you think he's having an affair. Do you?

We have a 2.5yo ds and our sex life has never really got back to normal. We are loving and affectionate, communicate well on the whole etc but I'm just not that bothered about having sex any more. It sounds awful and I still love him etc but I just feel so tired a lot of the time. Ds sleeps brilliantly but we both work ft and life is very hectic and tiring. I know it's still not right, but we do genuinely love each other still. I don't think it's that uncommon to go off sex once you have children.

[gembob1983]

I have checked yes because I think when someone goes off sex as such, is on their phone etc then it does make you paranoid something is going on! I just feel like I'm constantly trying to please him & make life easier for him but forget about myself! Makes me feel unloved :(

I've already spoken to him but he says I'm being daft, then nothing happens again so surely me saying that would be a massive hint to do something!

:(

[FadBook]

Send him the link to this thread?

I think sometimes, something written down and out in public is a good 'shock' to the system that something isn't right.

Answer this, if things didn't change in 3, 6 or 12 month time, would you stop with him?

[illmum]

My wee one is 9 months old and iv been ill since she was born. Iv had major surgery and spent 3 months in hospital. Me and my husband never had sex for 7 months purely because I was unwell it has been 9 months since our daughter was born and we have only had sex 3 times.
My husband is on his phone a lot and goes to golf but I think it's just his way to have a break we have to remember they work hard too and must get tired.
My husband doesn't come on to me as much because he thinks I'm too tired or still too ill but he still shows affection always telling me he loves me and reassuring me everything will be ok.
Relationships are hard after having a baby but I think it is important to talk and be open about your feelings. I think you need to tell him how you feel and ask him what's wrong. Men are like a closed book sometimes I feel it's only me that ever has problems they just seem to get on with it.
I hope it works out for you it is hard adapting to this new role

[illmum]

Also I meant to say have you tried to have sex with him or are you waiting till he makes the first move? My husband always says why don't you try with me I always have to do the work, so now when I feel like it I just take control. Maybe try it and them see what he does