Not bonded to new baby

[Koalagone]

I don't feel bonded to my baby at all. He's three weeks old and I just don't feel anything when I look at him. My DH is completely in love with him, we picked a godmother (a very close friend) before the birth who clearly adores him, our friends give the obligatory compliments and make the cooing noises.... I look at him and there's just nothing.

I watch DH with him and I feel like I want to run away and leave them. I was never particularly maternal before this, he's my first, but I thought when I saw him I'd feel something. I wouldn't hurt him or neglect him, but it all just feels like I'm looking after something temporarily for someone else, waiting for the day I can give him back. When I get up for night feeds I sit there and wonder if it would be best if I did leave, let him just have his dad who actually loves him and I know his godmother would help.

I tried to explain to the health visitor who visited this week, but she seemed to be in a huge rush and just muttered about how all first time mothers are underwhelmed because they expect a hollywood rush of love. I can understand that but surely it's not normal for me not to feel any love towards him? I know I obviously need help of some sort but I don't know where to turn. I can't tell my DH, he'd think I was a monster.

I have tried to explain to DH, a few days ago, but I don't think he understands the extent. He seemed to dismiss it a bit, put it down to tiredness "You don't mean that, you've just had enough for today, why don't you go for a walk and you'll feel better?"

I don't know how exactly to explain to him that I spent the entire walk convincing myself I had to go back and fighting the urge to leave. Even now I keep thinking I could just drive off while they both sleep. The thoughts of leaving are there constantly. I think the only thing stopping me is that I don't know where I'd go because by leaving I'd alienate myself from everyone if they didn't understand I was doing it for my baby.

Does your DH know you have the GP appointment?

Do you think you could send him this thread, or once you've talked to the GP ask DH to speak to GP/HV. I would echo Greensleeves, you do sound like you may have PND and they can help you with it and can help your DH to understand.

I remember wanting to get in the car and drive as far as I could. I wanted to run. I felt completely lost and like I would never be myself again. It was horrible. But talking (well crying) at my HV and GP helped me to begin feeling better and so did anti-depressants. I do now feel much more like me again rather than just DD's mum.

Whatever happens with your GP be honest with them about how you feel. It will get better.