Problems with 18 month old

[mermaid101]

I'm having a few problems with my 18 month old DD and am looking for a bit of advice and reassurance. I think the two problems may be linked to each other.

The first problem is with nursery. She goes 2 days a week. When she started when she was about 11 months, it took her quite a while to settle in. The nursery have been great and after a good few weeks she was fine.
Now, she cries when she get dropped off. She usually settles down within about 10 minutes, but today, she was upset off and on for the whole morning, although she was fine in the afternoon.

She has also started having massive tantrums. Today, she had a complete melt down (crying, wailing etc until she was coughing really hard) because (I think) I give her raisins which were in a different box from normal.

I'm not sure what to do about this. Does it sound like the nursery thing and the tantrums at home are connected? Also, what is the best way to deal with these tantrums? Is she too young to be ignored when she is so upset? She is my first, so I'm not at all experienced and feel a bit out of my depth.

DS became very bored at nursery at that age.

Never thought of that! Did it pass?

I doubt the two are related.

They all go through a phase where they get very upset as they can't articulate what they want and therefore have a tantrum. If you look up in Mumsnet Classics for a thread about cutted up pear you'll see mad tantrums are totally normal :)

I think I remember reading that when she was a tiny baby! At the time i thought it was absolutely hilarious! Now I feel sympathy and solidarity.

What do people do about these tantrums? I didn't think they would start until she was at least two. So far, friends have advised me to ignore it, but I wonder if she is too young to be left to cry and wail.

It depends on the situation. You begin to get a feel for how to deal with them. Sometimes distraction works. With DS saying "Ooo, a tractor!" or other interesting object can help. Other times, if we're at home and DS is really tired I'll leave him a wee while until he calms down as i know distraction won't work.

And if DS is crying for something because I've said no then I NEVER fold and say yes just because he tantrums.

DS is 23mo.

Tantrums start so much sooner than the terrible twos! Is she genuinely upset, or just whining because she didn't get her own way? Distraction and diversion are great, as are allowing them power/control in other areas ("which of these two pairs of socks would you like to wear today?" Etc)

Tantrums often don't elicit truly upset responses - even when you see real tears. Try ignoring or distracting, and as a PP said never ever ever give in once you've said no!

She seems very upset: real, loud crying and wailing and shouting. And sometimes tears. But it is usually if she wants something and doesn't get it, for example another snack, or if her Dad leaves to go to work and she wants to go with him, or more recently, when I leave her at nursery.

For the last two things, there really is very little I can do about it - it has to happen, so I (or the nursery staff) use distraction. With the snacks, I must admit I do sometimes give in. But maybe this is not the best idea. I just hate seeing her so upset when I can do something about it, but I really don't want her to think she can get her own way by having a massive paddy. Equally, I don't want to "damage" her or have her so seemingly unhappy.

My ds went through this sort of stage at a similar age; hanging onto dh at childcare morning handover, bug fat wailing etc. He was also having 'rages' and with those the only thing to do is let them burn out. I second distract etc but also found it helped both of us for me to talk through the problem and name the emotion so "I understand that you're cross that I've said no to another snack because it's too close to dinner time but shouting at me won't change my answer. I also understand that you're very tired and that's making you feel more cross but my answer won't change". This has helped me with him now he's 3.5 because I can generally get him to tell me why he's throwing a strop (after tears, shouting no no no, you're not my friend anymore etc, ah the joys) and he'll stutter out "I'm sad because I didn't finish my lunch and I'm still hungry" or "I miss Daddy (who's at work), the cats (at home, normally a ruse to distract me in the hope I'll give in)" etc. many of the reasons are pretty close to the truth though and we've had a couple of occasions where he's taken himself off, had a right royal strop then returned and said "I feel better now, sorry for shouting!" I found that saying it out loud kept me sane and helped me keep a handle on my temper.

MsPickle, thanks for this. How long did the tears at nursery hand over last for? I think the idea of not giving in, but explaining will really help me, if only to give me something a bit positive to focus on. I thought i would be a really "hard line" parent, but I had no idea how hard it would be. Even though I'm sure it is for the best!

Yes, tantrums can start at 1 - my DD1 started at 13 months, I vividly remember it! Your DD will probably calm down a lot as her speech improves. Mine was a lot nicer by the time she was 2 and even easier at 3 although still a 'testing' child.

I think it's fine to give in on stuff you don't really care about, you have to pick your battles or you'll be having them all the time. It's not always possible to reason with them as toddlers.

DD is a bit younger but really going for the tantrums with some style. I'm trying to work out what she wants. If it seems to be a tantrum because she is confused and frustrated trying to communicate, I try reassurance or distraction. But if it is a tantrum because she just wants her way with something she really isn't allowed, then I basically ignore her until she has calmed down.

Sorry, DS never stopped being bored at nursery, I had 2 yrs of complaints and crying every time he went. He was okay when there, just not thrilled. 2 yrs after he left He talked about how much he hated it "I wanted Mummy!" Long hours in a few small rooms where he knew and had explored everything. Yuck for him.

Was fine going to 2 different CMs & 3 different playgroups after nursery finished & before school started. And fine going to school. Ran in without looking back every time. Still a bit of a novelty- & thrill-seeker (now a teen who rarely goes out).

The only time my son cried at a nursery is when he genuinely wasn't happy. We moved him to a child minder close to home and he settled straight away, from day one - she came very highly recommended. We never had another tear and he loved her to bits. I'm not saying childminders are the answer but just in our case, my son (who is a very shy character) settled so much better and the whole being in a house routine suited him. The child minder we went with was an older lady (early 50s), who didn't do school runs, so we didn't have to worry about him being taken off in her car, and she kept to our routine rather than the nursery who made all the children have the same nap routine.