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Parenting

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Original poster

What is this 'rod' that I'm creating?

40 replies

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 09:22

My ds is 6mo. I co sleep, bf and he goes to sleep in my sling (for dog walks, and before I transfer him to his cot for naps and the evening) I pick him up when he cries etc etc Several older people have said I'm creating a rod for my own back and I probably am, but what is the worst that can happen? At the moment he only takes 10 minutes to go to sleep, we all get a good night sleep and everyone is happy.

Can someone who has also done the cosleeping, bf to sleep and sling thing tell me what happens? I know he will get heavy, but surely it doesnt happen overnight and as he grows, my technique will evolve too?

I know i take the path of least resistance, so what happens in the long run and why is it so bad?

Thankyou

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Saski · 10/04/2013 09:30

I slept with my youngest until he was 13 months old, and basically BF'd through the night. In hindsight, that seems like madness but it was easiest at the time and also, I knew he was my last.

Weirdly, he was easily transferred into a crib - but not by me. I was going back to work and our nanny got him in while I was away on business for 3 nights. She slept next to the crib. He never looked back, he liked his crib.

Original poster

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 09:40

Thanks Saski - Thats reassuring, I know no two babies are the same but I hear it can be done! Thanks for the reply. I dont intend to be a soft touch all his life, but he seems so little to ignore right now . .

OP posts:

TheDegglyDonkey · 10/04/2013 09:40

I'm the wrong person to post here, as I still co-sleep, bf etc my 2 yo.
He generally sleeps well, he's happy, confident, I still pick him up and cuddle him when he cries.
He still goes in his sling occasionally, and he (and I!) loves it.
I can only compare him to my other dc, but so far (and I know different personalities come into the equation), he is the happiest and easiest of all mine.

If it feels right, then chances are it is right..

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Original poster

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 09:45

It does feel right!

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BR44 · 10/04/2013 09:47

Thank God for rods, I say. Sounds to me like you're doing what works and you have a happy, sleep-fulfilled family.

I BF my DS to sleep until he was just over 2. I then decided to stop BF as I was pregnant with DC2 and the time felt right. I was beside myself with worry about what a nightmare bedtimes were sure to become because of the almighty rod of my own evil creation.

For a week leading up to stopping I talked him through what was going to happen and on the first night without milk I gave him a big hug, put him in his cot and stood there speechless as he just, well, rolled around a bit, muttered to himself and then WENT TO SLEEP. This was the first time he had ever put himself to sleep and it was just, well, fine. The way I see it now, I stuck with my instincts for two years and as a result he was quite happy and confident about bedtime generally. Therefore the removal of milk was in no way such a big deal to him as it was to me.

As you say, these things are incremental. You may call it the path of least resistance but I think it sounds like you know your child and are effectively responding to his needs and not obsessing that he needs to be able to function without your input and presence.

Original poster

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 09:48

It does feel right!

OP posts:

CoffeeandChocolateplease · 10/04/2013 09:59

I bf/rocked my DS and DD to sleep and at 2 and 4 they are great sleepers now. Go down by themselves no problem, and have done since DS was about 2 and DD 1. In fact, DS started sleeping by himself the week his last tooth came through so there may have been a link there.

Our methods did indeed evolve as you suggest and we gently moved in stages to them both settling in their cots when it seemed time. DD was a lot quicker than DS but then she likes to be on her own in bed anyway.

So my case study of two might reassure you that it will all work out ok! Though I appreciate there is also an element of luck involved.

I once read on here someone's response to the rod for your own back thing - something along the lines of 'this rod is the only thing keeping me upright at the moment'. I really wanted someone to trot out the line so that I could have used this response!

BertieBotts · 10/04/2013 10:07

What happens in the long run... er, they do stuff by themselves when they are ready. :) Why is it a problem - it isn't!

DS stopped feeding to sleep at 10 months
Stopped night feeds at about 2
Stopped co sleeping at 2.2
Slept through at 2.4
Stopped needing me with him to fall asleep at around 3.10
Stopped breastfeeding at 4.4
Grew out of the sling physically quite long after he was confident at walking (and stopped napping in it at around the time he stopped having naps in the day)
I stopped going to him as soon as he cried when he was able to come to me. If he can't come to me I would still go to him - why wouldn't you?

I didn't push him to any of these things, other than the natural separation which happened - when he got heavy I was less likely to carry him, when I sensed he was OK being left at night I started to make excuses like "Mummy just needs the toilet" or just explain "I need to hang the washing up but I'll check on you later" and once he was less reliant on breastfeeding I was quicker to say "No, not right now".

Original poster

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 10:08

The Deggly Donkey and BR44 - such positive stories, will show this thread to my dp, just to reassure him (although he is happy with how its going)

I wonder if there are parents that DO regret doing it this way, and if there isnt, why is there so much stigma?

Where does this whole 'rod' for your back come from?

OP posts:

Original poster

Thumbtack · 10/04/2013 10:10

Heehee! I love you all, what a relief!

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 10/04/2013 10:15

Because apparently needing to sit in your child's room for 5 minutes while they fall asleep at the age of 4 is a terrible burden. Or they might come into your bed for a morning cuddle at the age of 5.

I don't see a problem with letting them grow out of needing these kinds of things when they're ready but some people seem to think if they're still doing it by a certain age it's terrible. I don't really understand why! They're not going to do it forever.

mummytime · 10/04/2013 10:18

The sling will have to go when it is causing you pain or he doesn't want it anymore.

He won't be co-sleeping when he is 18!

I didn't co-sleep much as my children wrecked my sleep. I also had a lot of back pain, so got rid of the sling earlier, but my children also loved their buggy and watching the world.

The stigma is "because whatever you do as a parent is judged/wrong according to someone".
Do what works for you.

DuttyWine · 10/04/2013 10:20

As an avid collector of back rods myself, i say keep on keeping on! I cuddle 15 month old to sleep downstairs in his sleeping bag and carry him up to his cot every night. He sleeps through so I don't care and he still has a bottle of milk instead of sippy cup. Do whatever makes it easy and enjoyable.

rrreow · 10/04/2013 13:54

Tell them to take their rods and stick them up their

I co-slept, fed to sleep, picked up etc. For ages it all felt good and natural and then gradually you feel like certain things don't work anymore, and at that point you change them. I actually really enjoyed DSs first year and didn't find it nearly as hard as all the scare stories led me to believe and I think a big part of that was being baby- and instinct-led.

Fed to sleep until about 8-10 months (honestly don't remember exactly)
Co-slept until 12 months (at which point he started fiddling/moving too much so we didn't get enough sleep anymore, so it had to change)
Picked up until forever! He's 23m and in his own room now, but sometimes when he wakes up in the night he's just really upset and a good cuddle sorts him out.

Look! No rods!

plummyjam · 10/04/2013 14:48

By deciding to have a baby you've already created the biggest rod for your own back in life. I say do whatever's easiest and gets everyone the most sleep. Children evolve continuously from birth, our job is just to adapt to their needs as much as we can whilst carrying on with life.

I think a lot of frustration and disappointment results from trying too hard to get children to adapt to our needs too much.

DOI co-sleeping, BF to sleep, sling wearer

matana · 10/04/2013 15:04

I broke every rule in the book, but you just know when your DC is ready to move on to the next stage. I only co-slept until 12 weeks, but rocked, fed, drove, slinged, walked etc my DS to sleep whenever he needed it. He needed me less and less as he got older, but at 2.5yo still goes to sleep sucking his teddy's label. I don't believe in all that rod for your back stuff and believe i have the strong bond with my DS that i do today because i responded to his changing needs. The only time he wakes now is when he's ill and he's been a pretty reliable 12 hours a night sleeper since 7 months old. Older people will tell you to dip dummies in brandy, leave the baby to cry, move them into their own room from day one, wean them at 3 months and so on. Sounds like you're doing fine to me. It's only a problem when you think it's a problem.

Emjay85 · 10/04/2013 15:57

The older generation have a different perspective on babies and children. My partners grandma told me I had made a rod for my own back once for demand feeding her when she was a baby. Apparently in 'their' day they would make the baby wait 4 hours between feeds- even if that mean the baby screams for a good hour cos it's hungry.
Ignore these comments, do what you think is best, your baby will let you know when it's time to move onto the next stage xxx

fairylightsinthespring · 10/04/2013 16:15

I don't think it is just a generational thing. I am very different to the other posters on here and have never co-slept, fed to sleep (except when tiny) and only used a sling for a short while. My two are fine, as am I, as are you and your little one. I really think it has a lot to do with the individual parent. If there was only one right way we'd all be doing it, but whatever approaches or methods you take, you will find someone doing it differently and some are more vocal than others in their opposition. Some may feel that my approach has been overly distant or to balanced in favour of my needs rather than the DCs, others may feel your approach is too balanced the other way, causing you to have to make "sacrifices" - but if you are happy to do things the way you are, then fine.There are always transition points, however you do things and they may be easy or hard regardless of the methods used.

QTPie · 10/04/2013 16:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ppeatfruit · 10/04/2013 16:39

Its weird IMHO that humans are the only creatures who are supposed to sleep apart from their offspring (you don't see kittens still riding on their mother cats' back when they're adults).

It's healthier because cot death don't usually occur when you have the baby in your room and its natural to feed the baby on demand (they've got small stomachs FGS).

I've got 3 well balanced independent and secure adult DCs by "making a rod for my own back"

snowmummy · 10/04/2013 17:01

I didn't co-sleep etc but I see nothing wrong with it if it works for your family. 'Older' people, in my opinion, have trouble seeing that thinking changes, that what they did and how they parented is not necessarily the only way to do things. In short, they are stuck in their ways and unaccepting of new ways.

UniqueAndAmazing · 10/04/2013 17:04

I never understand rods either.

so what if the child feels comfortable with you and in your space?

why is it so important to get rid of the children anyway?

We still sleep with DD at 16 months, and it's not a problem to us.
the HV made a BIG deal of it at our 1year check up and I don't know why. It wasn't bothering her, so why was it so important?

EnglishGirlApproximately · 10/04/2013 17:07

I co slept until Ds was 11mo (he's 13 months now). Mil was insistent that I was creating a rod for my own back etc. etc. and I always said I'll move him when I think he's ready - not when i'm ready. Well, I did. The first night he slept for 12 hours in his own room. Now he has about 13 every night. We have no crying, no drama and he wakes smiling. In 8 weeks he's woken once and was asleep again within 10 minutes.

Surely every baby has different needs? You just wait until you think the time is right to make changes :)

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 10/04/2013 17:08

YOur child, your choice surely.

I personally would rather have walked on hot coals than do all he co-sleeping extended breastfeeding that I read about on here, but if it works for you and your family, good for you.

TreeLuLa · 10/04/2013 17:09

No rods here.

Our rule has always been "The most sleep for the most people"

Our DTs were bf and co-slept on and off during the first 3 years. Now at 3 1/2 they happily stay in their own beds but come in for lovely cuddles in the morning

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