4 yo tantrums

[claudedebussy]

my dd2 is 4.5yo and has the most horrific tantrums. it's getting worse, and several times a day now.

ignoring it does nothing. she just carries on screaming.

reasoning with her does nothing. she just screams more.

she picks things that she knows i have made a stand on so she's pushing my boundaries.

tonight i just picked her up and put her on her bed to cool down because she was screaming so loudly we couldn't do teeth with the others. she's screaming on her bed now.

i can't bear it.

what can i do to make this stoooooooop?

the thing that upsets me the most is that she understands exactly what she's doing. it's not like she's 2 and she doesn't understand.

so frustrating!!! dh is trying to reason with her and she's just carrying on being unreasonable!

Have you listened to her explain how she is feeling - angry, sad, scared, frustrated? I found when they had something to get out I could listen and that would calm them down.

Emotions are massive sometimes, even adults have tantrums, 4.5 is not very old.

What things does she pick that you 'have made a stand on'? Are all of them vital things? Sometimes only arguing on the essentials is a good idea.

i have tried that Yellow, and now she just gets cross with me as she's worked out that that was how i calmed her down.

so if i talk to her about whatever she's feeling she just gets angrier.

it's like she really wants to have a tantrum so she's going to do it no matter what. she wants to scream!

she is having a hard time. she's intensely jealous of her little sister and is youngest in her class at school so she has a lot on her plate.

but for the sake of us as a family i have to get her to stop these tantrums. it's so awful to listen to and the other kids get upset now. the little one gets worried and goes after her and strokes her but she just gets rebuffed.

it's such a horrible dynamic to live with, wondering when she's going to kick off again. i feel like we all walk on eggshells and i'm very conscious that my first reaction is to placate her which isn't fair to the others. so i can't just avoid these tantrums.

sorry x-post.

umm she refuses to walk anywhere and we walk EVERYWHERE. so we talked about it and she agreed she'd start walking more. if i'm on my own with them i can't carry two of them and she only wants to be carried when i'm already carrying dd3 (surprise). dd3 is walking well and hates her pushchair.

so i said that if she walked all the way there i'd give her a carry ALL the way home. agreed. we walked out the front door - demands to be carried. remind her of deal. tantrum and screaming.

she wanted to play with some craft star things - throwing them all over the room. i said yes, of course, as long as she cleared them up afterwards. we always do this. agreed. tantrum when clearing them up.

so it's with things where i've already laid down the rules. makes it difficult because i don't like to back down when i've already explained the situation.

I Don't mean talk to her to get her to calm down, listen to her to let her express. If she is having a hard time it is natural to tantrum sometimes.

I wouldn't carry her full stop though, at four. Just wait the tantrum out.

Why do you need the tantrums to stop? Beyond the fact they are horrid, which they are, but does it really matter if she has a lot of feelings to come out?

You are walking on eggshells because you want the tantrums to stop. But they are just noise? Explain to the little ones that x is upset, it is ok, we all feel upset sometimes. Then you play with the little ones while x gets it out. It may be the fear of he tantrum is what gives it power?

She probably does want to scream, don't we all sometimes?