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Original poster

AIBU - husband left 3.5yr old home alone for 10 minutes

138 replies

somadaboutthis · 26/03/2013 20:31

I am so upset. I was working today, our nanny was sick and my husband stayed at home to look after our 3.5yr old twins. They had pre-school in the morning which is just at the end of our road. One of our daughters was sick so she couldn't go. I found out tonight ( from my sick daughter) that husband had left her in the bathroom home alone while he dropped other daughter off at pre-school. She said she was ok and that she sang the 'I'm all alone song' to herself while Daddy was gone. My heart broke. Husband is out at moment. I am SO ANGRY. Why would he do this? He knows how strongly I feel about young children being left alone ( although he seems to think this just some hysterical over protectiveness of mine). He told me when they were babies that he thought it was fine to go to the local shops when they were having a nap at home! He thinks the risks of anything happening are quite low. Maybe true but why take that risk? What if she had choked on her vomit, fallen down stairs, tried to get out house to look for him? She was obviously scared. I thought he was a great Dad but now I don't know how I can trust him to look after them. AIBU to be so upset and angry about this?

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Original poster
somadaboutthis · 27/03/2013 20:42

thanks Mummy2benji. I will talk to the GP ( tbh I don't really know what a Health Visitor is - don't think I've ever come across one)

OP posts:
ArbitraryUsername · 27/03/2013 20:44

They probably would report it BUT reporting it doesn't mean that social services will take your children away. That's melodramatic. It's particularly unlikely given that you are very worried about this and want to make sure it never happens again, and the evidence of this is that you approached the HV or GP to express your concerns). SS are likely to be very supportive of your position here . They might suggest some parenting classes for your DH, and would certainly impress upon him that it is not a matter of 'parenting styles'.

Thing is, this is a serious situation. You are genuinely worried that you DH will leave your preschool daughter(s) alone again because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with it. You want to make sure it does not happen again. And your DD may say something at preschool anyway, where they will have to respond to it as a child protection issue.

mummy2benji · 27/03/2013 20:48

Yes that is another good point to mention to him - if one of your children told them at preschool that this happened, they may well report it. Just like nowadays parents can't afford to go smacking their kids, even if they believe a small smack does good, because the consequences of the child mentioning it at school and teachers / social services getting involved are serious. Would he want to take that risk?

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ArbitraryUsername · 27/03/2013 20:49

And, realistically, you can't spend the rest of your life ensuring that your DH isn't left in sole charge of your children. You need to be able to trust him to assess risk appropriately.

ArbitraryUsername · 27/03/2013 20:52

(If it helps to reassure you even more, you might like to know that children's services of all kind tend to work on a 'strengths-based' basis these days. That means that they look at families in terms of what they do have going for them and build on that. Caring mother who responds appropriately to risk is a big strength and something anyone working with children will be pleased to see).

Original poster
somadaboutthis · 27/03/2013 21:02

I just showed him this thread. He said what I posted was wrong because it was '4 minutes', he timed it to pre-school and back - so a totally different situation

I give up. I am beginning to feel physically ill with the stress of this

OP posts:
MajaBiene · 27/03/2013 21:09

It takes me longer than 4 minutes to get from the front door of nursery, into the classroom and out again, so I've very sceptical that it is possible to walk there with a 3 year old, drop them off and walk home again in that time even if you live next door.

He won't listen to you - you need to get the pre-school manager/HV/a social worker to speak to him.

MumOfTheMoos · 27/03/2013 21:12

Oh OP, this must just be so stressful for you - I really do feel for you.

He needs to understand the seriousness of this and I think you need to enlist some help.

First of all, so you can be sure it won't happen again, cancel your trip. Then it will at Lear be clear that you mean what you say and he can't just brush it off.

Secondly, and I realise this feels risky, you have to get someone like a GP or SS involved. It is not sustainable for you never to leave them alone with him and continue in your marriage and he needs to understand that his relationship with his children is at risk as you will not be bullied into ignoring his neglect.

It's miserable, I know.

ArbitraryUsername · 27/03/2013 21:15

4 minutes or 10 minutes. It makes no difference. It seems that you really do need someone 'official' to explain the problem to him. Because it is a problem.

(Incidentally, I really don't believe it was 4 minutes. How could anyone get a 3 year old out the door, down the street, into preschool and then get back home in 4 minutes. You wouldn't be able to do it if you lived next door to the preschool.)

Iggly · 27/03/2013 21:53

So 4 minutes is ok then? Hmm

He was out of the house and left a sick vomiting toddler. Alone. He left her.

That is the problem. Not the timing.

What an idiot.

tazzle22 · 27/03/2013 21:58

It is rare for me to agree so wholeheartedly with the majoity of poster on any thread ..... or even post on child related threads (I am a grandma)....... but I just had to add to the chorus.

Never would I leave a 3.5 year old alone in the house. Just to remind myself of how reliant they are I though about my visit last week to three of my five GD ..... and just how often my attention had to be on the 3 year old. I could be ok in the next room or even upstairs if she was occupied but by heck my presence was certainly required to keep her safe.... everything from reminders not to climb / stand on the arms of the chair, get her out of the fridge ( not literally but stop her eating the contents !!!) and stop jiggling with the tv/ video.

A short while ago I was vomitting........so hard I was wretching, That's bad enough for an adult never mind a small child. Shame on any adult that thinks it is ok to leave a 3.5 year old sick child in a house alone.

I would have serious reservations on anyone doing this once even if (s)he apologised profusely, recognised the risks and said it would never happen again. I would have even more concerns about someone who refused to accept that this is not only unacceptable to other parents of preschool children but to professionals on this site who say it is a situation "of concern".

Perosnally somad i would be telling (D)P that the options are

  • nanny will be empolyed 24 hrs per day you are away with work
  • you will cancel your time away but it will have ???? affect on your working situation no matter what if he is ever left in charge of children he must* agree never to leave any of them as and until you both agree they are old enough..... that is the way sensible parenting works as there are always differences , caring partners acknowlege others fears and respect / support each other. if he ever leaves said DC alone again and its reported ( especially if this occasion is reported / found out about) then he could be in serious s**

I hope your dP does take all this stuff on board !!!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 27/03/2013 22:07

Well if 4 mins is ok, you can tell social services and they can come and give him his dad of the year award.

In fact, sincehe thinks it is ok, he can ring social services and get them to come and tell you to stop being silly.

PinkCanary · 27/03/2013 22:12

My friends exDH was prosecuted for neglect after he left their two children (6+3 at the time) alone in bed asleep while he popped out to shop. Idiot had been drinking, got pulled over and breathalysed and luckily admitted that children were home alone before they carted him off!
So yes, if anything had happened while out your DH could end up with a criminal record.

wrongsideoftheroad · 27/03/2013 22:14

What is the matter with him????? If my reception age DD is sick I keep my youngest off nursery as well to save dragging my sick 5 yr old child out. The idea of leaving her, so a young child can go to NURSERY?? Wtf?

I can't believe this thread, what an utter arse your DH has been.

tribpot · 27/03/2013 22:25

You've been told upthread by one GP that he/she would report a parent for doing this. So whether or not he perceives the risk to be low, it is not considered acceptable parenting and he will need to adapt to that.

Unfortunately OP I wouldn't leave my children with him again - and I can see what an immense problem that creates for you, esp as you were due to be away for a week. You will not have a moment's peace in that week if you go away leaving him in charge.

Cuddlydragon · 27/03/2013 22:38

I feel very sory for you OP that you are bearing the brunt of this stress. You simply cant trust him either to do the right thing or to admit doing the wrong thing. It must feel like you are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Please dont trust him with sole care. I hope you find RL support with your GP or family - could they talk sense to him perhaps?

Cuddlydragon · 27/03/2013 22:39

sorry not sory.

DiscoDonkey · 27/03/2013 22:49

This would be a deal breaker for me. I would seriously consider reporting him. If he thinks it's ok he has nothing to worry about does he?

Peppermintcrumb · 27/03/2013 23:19

May I suggest that you think long and hard before you involve your GP, HV or Social Services. Any record that is made about you or your children will be held for a very long time. Once you are on "the books", you and your children will be reviewed and monitored on a regular basis.

Try and sort this situation with your DH. Once you involve the authorities, your record will stay with you. For example, if you have anymore children, they will be subject to a referral. It's all about safeguarding children - quite rightly of course - but once you start the ball rolling, it's almost impossible to stop.

tribpot · 27/03/2013 23:20

Peppermint, I think the OP has tried to sort the situation out with her DH to be honest. But I know what you mean.

flirtymary · 27/03/2013 23:43

OP, I would seriously tell either the GP or a health visitor first thing in the morning.

The reason I say that is that if you DC has casually mentioned it to you, they will probably mention it in nursery as well, which would result in an immediate referral to SS.

If that happens you do not want to appear to have condoned this behaviour as they will interpret that as you being unwilling to put the DC's needs before your own/your DH's.

He's been an absolute irresponsible idiot, and I'm so sorry he has caused you such stress, but you really don't want it to get any worse in terms of your own relationship with your DC's and any potential SS involvement

colditz · 27/03/2013 23:47

Um, I'd be packing his bags, that is if he was still alive. I'm afraid I'd have seen red.

Fuzzymum1 · 28/03/2013 00:34

Would your DH put the children in the car without a seatbelt/carseat for a short journey? The risk of an RTA is small but I hope we all make sure our children are securely restrained in the car at all times. However small the risk, therisk is there and that alone makes it totally unacceptable. I have a very sensible six year old and the furthest I would go while he was at home (without anyone else being home) is next door to collect a parcel - it's a few feet from our door to theirs and I would be a minute tops and can almost see him the whole time.

issypiggle · 28/03/2013 00:57

i work on the same theory as my parents, i wasn't allowed to stay in the house on my own till the summer between primary and secondary (11) working on the fact that i'll be walking to and from school by myself/group of friends so i should be trusted to stay at home for a short while. and that increased every year till i started working ft (18) and they said i can stay at home for a week on my own Grin (no parties though).

mummy2benji · 28/03/2013 08:39

Your dh either still thinks it was acceptable or possibly now doesn't want to admit or accept that he might have been in the wrong and done something bad. Does he have difficulty saying sorry in other situations? Sometimes partners don't and cannot agree on an aspect of parenting - but one of you has to say "I don't have the same opinion as you but I agree to follow your rules on this one". While I would be very annoyed if I were you by his not apologising or accepting responsibility for his serious poor judgement in this case, that may be what you need to do and over time he will hopefully come to agree with you (even if he is too proud to admit it). He needs to understand that when two parents differ over a parenting issue, the parent who has genuine concerns about the child's safety and wellbeing is the one you need to be listening to on that occasion. I would still have a chat to your HV or GP for a bit of advice / support though. Hopefully you don't have a completely blase and old-fashioned HV who grew up on a remote farm where the sixteen children ran wild, but even so in this day and age I don't think they would condone leaving a small child alone.