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Original poster

AIBU - husband left 3.5yr old home alone for 10 minutes

138 replies

somadaboutthis · 26/03/2013 20:31

I am so upset. I was working today, our nanny was sick and my husband stayed at home to look after our 3.5yr old twins. They had pre-school in the morning which is just at the end of our road. One of our daughters was sick so she couldn't go. I found out tonight ( from my sick daughter) that husband had left her in the bathroom home alone while he dropped other daughter off at pre-school. She said she was ok and that she sang the 'I'm all alone song' to herself while Daddy was gone. My heart broke. Husband is out at moment. I am SO ANGRY. Why would he do this? He knows how strongly I feel about young children being left alone ( although he seems to think this just some hysterical over protectiveness of mine). He told me when they were babies that he thought it was fine to go to the local shops when they were having a nap at home! He thinks the risks of anything happening are quite low. Maybe true but why take that risk? What if she had choked on her vomit, fallen down stairs, tried to get out house to look for him? She was obviously scared. I thought he was a great Dad but now I don't know how I can trust him to look after them. AIBU to be so upset and angry about this?

OP posts:

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TheChaoGoesMu · 26/03/2013 22:02

Leaving a sick 3.6 year old is ridiculous, but I've left a poorly 6 year old at home for 30 minutes to drop 4 year old at nursery

sorry lose but however confident your child is, leaving a 6 year old on their own in the house for 30 mins whilst you go to the nursery is just not on either. Jeez.

Cuddlydragon · 26/03/2013 22:04

Oh god, I'm pretty relaxed, but to leave a vomiting child? I think I'd actually throw the useless bastard out. What of she choked, what if he'd had an accident......FFS, your are not being overly worried, he's being a neglectful, useless parent. I'm utterly shocked. I wouldn't leave him with his children alone, and I wouldn't want to share living space with him either.

Smudging · 26/03/2013 22:05

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LilyAmaryllis · 26/03/2013 22:09

I agree that even apart from all the physical risks (which are many), a 3-year old is going to feel really unhappy and scared knowing they are alone. (with no sense of time.) No wonder the poor thing sang herself a song.

I wonder whether your DH already knows he was in the wrong. so, he got back from dropping off twin and realised your at-home twin was upset after being left. realised he had done wrong thing. therefore emailed you to find out how on earth to get at-nursery twin home again! and, is now hoping that you will never find out

LilyAmaryllis · 26/03/2013 22:13

If he can't agree with you (now) that leaving them alone at home is wrong under any circumstances, then maybe you will have to find other childcare for your week away, or cancel.

fengirl1 · 26/03/2013 22:15

Tell him you have shown dd how to dial 999 and ask for help if she is ever left on her own again.

curryeater · 26/03/2013 22:16

somadaboutthis, is there anything else your husband doesn't take seriously that matters to you, or just this one thing?
Because if just this, then conceivably you need to appeal to someone else, someone he respects, to explain that it is not just some weirdness of yours, you do not leave small children alone. Maybe he needs to be embarrassed, or even scared, by someone else going "WTF, you did WHAT?"

If, however, he often ignores what you say, whether the other things are universal (like the leaving children thing) or things that just matter to you, then LTB.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 26/03/2013 22:28

I would be really mad about this. I honestly don't know what I'd do if my dh was stupid enough to leave a poorly and vomiting 3yr old alone. Makes me v What a sweetheart singing an 'alone' song to herself.

I wouldn't be leaving him in charge of the dc again though.

iwillsleepagainsomeday · 27/03/2013 10:04

i have left a feverish 3.10yo alone on the sofa glued to television to go pick up his sister at school down the road. we were out for 5min (i picked her up a couple of minutes earlier so i didnthave to wait at the gate). he was fine and not traumatised at ALL.

I would not have done this if he was vomiting or if he was well enough to be more mobile in the house. I also could never leave the baby in case he chokes or cries etc.

Original poster

somadaboutthis · 27/03/2013 18:23

OP here with quick update:
DH admitted this was true. He did leave her. He said it was only 3-4 minutes ( Pre-school is just down the road but even so it would be hard to do it so quickly) He resents my insinuation that he doesn't care about the welfare of his children - although I never actually said this. He adamantly stands by his decision as being the 'best in both children's interests'.
He thinks this is just a case of differenting attitudes to parenting and I should respect his views. Seems there is nothing I can do to make him see sense.
I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

marquesas · 27/03/2013 18:34

Is there anyone that he might listen to (parents/a friend) who could have a word with him or maybe show him this thread so he can see how out of touch with reality he is?

Cuddlydragon · 27/03/2013 18:34

I'm sorry to hear your DH is maintaining he's not endangered his child. I suspect you do know what to do. You can't trust him alone with his children. End of, really. Show him this thread. I don't think anyone agrees with his position?

MissPricklePants · 27/03/2013 18:41

WTF was going through his mind!? I have a 3.10 year old and there is no way I would ever leave her in the house alone, and if my ex did I would be fuming!! I would really struggle to trust him after this OP.

ZipItShrimpy · 27/03/2013 18:50

I am so shocked he thought this was a viable idea. My DH tends to be on the lax side but he would never, ever do this. I could honestly never leave my DH in sole care of the children if I were you.

Iwillsleep what if your 'feverish' child had a febrile convulsion or something while you were out? Unlikely, I know but really not worth the risk. For the sake of bundling them up in a coat for the five minutes or asking another parent to drop your other child home.

MrsExcited · 27/03/2013 18:50

Had Chat with DH the other day about this subject, difference being we were talking about a healthy 9 1/2 yo!!!!! Who we both came to the same conclusion, that yes for a short out she is old enough, has enough sense to look after herself, but no way would i do this for a 3 1/2 yo!!

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 27/03/2013 18:54

Did you ask him what would have happened if she had vomited again?

Did you ask him how he felt about her being scared?

Do you think it was 3/4 minutes or 10?

HotCrossFRIGG · 27/03/2013 19:19

DP,who is the most laid back person I know,
thinks that your DH is either an idiot,or a particularly uncaring parent,at least.

Aside from the terrifying amount of risks involved,and the illegality of the situation, she was clearly upset at being left,having been singing an 'all alone' song.

What you need to decide is whether you are okay with this happening again.
If you are not,then you cannot leave him alone with them again.
And if you cannot trust your DH alone with your DC,then I'd be questioning whether it was a good relationship to be in.

KittiesInsane · 27/03/2013 19:33

Things my three and four-year-olds have done while I was just too far away to prevent it:

Fallen over own feet and broken an arm.
Slipped and bitten through bottom lip.
Choked on mouthful of food.
Slipped into the loo (bottom first so embarrassing and uncomfortable rather than dangerous).
Decided I had gone out and run out to look for me.
Ignited the carpet by knocking a desk lamp over.
Fallen downstairs.

(I should say that this involves several children and several years of hair-greying parenthood -- it wasn't all in the same week.)

They have all survived to the end of primary school despite all this because there was someone there to rescue them.

ArbitraryUsername · 27/03/2013 19:54

This is exactly the sort of thing that I'd suggest you speak to your HV about. Or your GP. Or someone at the preschool. It isn't a difference of opinion about parenting; leaving an ill 3 year old in the house alone (to sing the 'i'm all alone song' in the bathroom) is a child protection issue. It is worth getting someone whose opinion he'll value to explain why it is a terrible idea and not something he should ever do again.

If it was a decision about what was best for both children, your other DD wouldn't have been damaged in any way by missing a day at preschool. The DD left at home on the other hand, really could have come to considerable harm.

lljkk · 27/03/2013 20:02

It wouldn't bother me at all as a one-off.

TiredFeet · 27/03/2013 20:19

This would bother me a lot, especially the fact she had been vomiting. In your shoes I wouldn't be able to leave DH alone with the children unless and until he had properly got his head round what was wrong about what he did.

Original poster

somadaboutthis · 27/03/2013 20:32

Arbitaryusername - if I tell the HV or GP - would they not report us/him? I spoke to the NSPCC ( anonymously) and they said if the pre-school had realised they would have been duty bound to inform Children's Services and the police and our daughter could have been taken away.

lljkk - there is no guarantee this is a one off though. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong

OP posts:

mummy2benji · 27/03/2013 20:33

You said you don't feel dh will listen to you being rational about this as he doesn't agree with you - so present your case... The guidelines someone above sent you a link for are a good start. I'm a GP and involved a lot in parenting concerns, and I would have serious concerns about a sick 3.5yo left at home for any period of time however short. I may talk to the health visitor to ask if they have any concerns about the child's safety or the parents. It is irresponsible for many reasons - a poorly child could easily pass out, choke on vomit etc. For those who think this is being paranoid - it happens. It is not worth the risk. Far better for the other child to miss school. As well as the risk of the child being frightened. Also, you cannot trust even a well-behaved small child to always follow instructions, however clear. What if the child perked up, and answered the door to a stranger? Not likely but again possible. I don't even leave my kids in the car when I nip into the local shop, although I am sure there are conscientious parents out there who do, and that is a personal choice. This situation shouldn't be a choice though - it should be a big fat don't do it. Good luck x

mummy2benji · 27/03/2013 20:37

No your GP / HV won't go nuts and report you to social services or put your children on the child protection register, they should give you helpful advice. If dh won't listen to you, it might help to say "I spoke to the GP / HV and they said this must not happen" - if he gets angry tell him sorry, but you felt this was very serious and were very worried and he wouldn't listen to you.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 27/03/2013 20:38

I wouldn't be able to look at him, I don't know what you can do.

I think it seems weird what I am posting but I would report anyone else who left a 3 yo to social services so maybe that is all you can do.

This is truly awful situation, is he often this stubborn?

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