The lies we tell our children...

[Flamesparrow]

"You have to have both sides of your hair tied up because otherwise you will be unbalanced and fall over lots"

Difficult Fennel I was only 18 at the time and nowadays I think I'd respect the family's wishes more though I'm not sure that would be the right decision.

FWIW, when my sister got ill with cancer and died, my brother in law started preparing the kids (6 yr old niece and 4 yr old nephew) by saying how sick mummy was and always avoiding the issue of when she was coming home. They were pretty young though. 9 and 13 year olds are more capable of understanding which in some ways makes it more difficult to prepare them as their reacton could be very difficult to see.

The children will have a hard enough time when their mum dies without having to deal with a lack of trust for the remaining adults in their lives. They need strong trustworthy adults around them at the moment and in the future.

It is so difficult isn't it? - no answers I'm afraid just sympathy for what must be a very hard time in yur family.

lazycow, i am vaguely trying to prepare my dds (age 6 and 4) that their auntie is very ill, while their much older cousins don't really realise anything is wrong at all. and i have mentioned to my 6 year old that we hope auntie P won't die. I'm hoping my children will be a bit more prepared than all the others though they're younger.

but as you say whatever you say to them it's not going to be an easy experience.

each to there own in this debate i think but personally i think a childhood is a magical experience where father christmas exists the easter bunnie exists the fairies exist, my childhood because of this was a time i remember with fondness and i treasure that my parents went to so much trouble to make sure that every xmas every easter were the nicest possible times that they could have given me, i am expecting my 1st child and if it means 'lying' to them to give them that special time in there little lives i will lie, i will sprinkle glitter for the tooth fairy, i will sprinkle talc up the stairs for snow from father xmas, and i dont believe that i am lying but i do believe that they will grow up will memories of excitement that i did, there is plently of time for them to realise that father xmas isnt real ( even now and im 27 my mam will not say he doesnt exists n i love that and i dont think for one minute ive been lied to what i do think is that ive had the most amazing parents and the most magical experiences as a child and if it means lying to my kids to recreate that i shall..... power to the tooth fairies... santa and the easter bunnies out there xxx

Hmm, not sure about the FC thing. Just not sure. It hasn't come up but will this year, and I'm undecided which way to go.

DS does believe that the ChupaChups given to him by the corner shop owner (who doesn't speak much English hence didn't understand when I said thanks but we don't eat them) are for playing the xylophone with.

Cannot see the connection at all between allowing children to have a fantasy life regarding FC and fairies etc and a relative dying of cancer.

My younger brother died from cancer 4 years ago at the age of 40 leaving 3 school aged children.

He was diagnosed with inoperable terminal cancer at the age of 37 and was bought some time via chemotherapy.

None of the children in the family were lied to, however as my dd was not even 2 at the time he was diagnosed she had no real understanding of the situation until she was older.

When he actually died she was 5 and was aware of the facts as much as a 5 year old can take them in.

What the connection with any of that was with dd's enjoying FC visiting at Christmas is completely beyond me.

Spidermama. How do you manage with, Father Christmas, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy?

Cam, i was not resonding to the situation of telling kids about cancer i was refering to the rest of the thread!i have no comment to make on that sunjectas i have no experience in how i would handle that situatuin! the rest of the thread talks about father xmas ect!

aprilgirl please don't worry, I was not referring to your post at all! I agree with everything you said in your post

Actually the OP was about the lies we tell our children not about Father Christmas. Admitedly it was started lightheartedly but went on to cover whether we should be truthful with our children or not and the various different lies we tell or don't tell our children. Many of these examples were lighthearted but some were more serious.

I will admit to hijacking threads in the past but don't think this was an example of that.

phew i was panicking thinking it was me!! xx

I believe in telling children the truth about some things, eg. serious family illnesses (or at least as much as they can understand given their age as a variable)

But on the other hand I also believe in allowing and indeed encouraging a rich and varied magical fantasy life which feeds their imaginations and creativity.

Think its that some people think of this as telling lies.

would just like to make it clear i can see why people do want to go with the father christmas and similar stuff and am not actually being critical of other people who do it. i just find personally that there are ways i'm more comfortable with for me.

Cam - I agree in that I love all that fairytale stuff and looking for fairies in the garden. I suppose I'm saying that there is a balance to telling children the truth about things both serious and frivolous.

Within reason I try and tell my children the truth and that means stopping at telling outright lies or what I believe to be lies.

If asked directly 'Do Fairies exist?' I'd probably cop out and say 'Well some people believe they do but I don't think so. What do you think?'. However in my (admitedly limited experience) questions like that rarely happen - children like their imaginative play and at some level understand that it is imaginative so don't often ask for confirmation or otherwise unless they are ready for it.

Oh I absolutely believe that children and adults are colluding in the fantasy - certainly past a certain age - but I believe that a life of the imagination is so important.

Without it there would be no art or music or books.

I still "do" FC and tooth fairy but I just tell them it's me, and that it's a lovely story and they don't exist in real life but in everybody's imagination. So they still enjoy going to Santa's grotto and all that, and finding a coin under the pillow. It also helps when it comes to the scarier things they imagine, monsters etc, I can say they don't really exist, they only (yes, then I say only, to emphasise they can control it) in their imagination. So our family still enjoys the stories around santa etc but without the lying. I feel comfortable with this.

I worked out that there was no FC at about 4, but was told the old "if you don't believe you won't receive" line. So I put it to the test, and pretended that I believed. Christmas came, I got my presents and proudly told my mum and gran that they were wrong. They then made me keep quiet for my brothers sake, who was only 3 at the time. I remember being quite angry with my family for a long time for lieing to me. My child will know that FC is a character and not a real person from the start. Just in case he's as bloody minded as me

I dont see anything wrong with FC or Toothfairy or easter bunny. I tel my ds of 6 that if he believes then they are real for him. I know that the 'magic' will end and he will grow out of believing. It isnt lying about FC etc because if a child believes in magic in their imagination then for them it is real.

Re white lies - they can be fun - got a book called 'great lies to tell small kids' for example 'you have to name every ant you see forever, else it is bad luck'. Ds knows that is a joke and it was great fun pretending it wasn't as he knows when i am teasing. Actually gentle teasing is a better word.

All this bloody political correctness gets right up my nose. IT is just common sense imo. I loved believing in FC and when worked out was parents, |I still kept it going for a couple of years just in case they stopped buying all the presents. My neice and nephew did the same to my sister.

I seriously think that sometimes people take life to seriously and ruin the fun side of it for their kids.

I remember being struck by one passage in Anne of Green Gables when I first read it. Some of the neighbours object to novel-reading on moral grounds – because novels are 'a pack of lies'. Anything made up is a lie, basically. Interesting how our definitions of lying have changed over time.

I don't think "anything made up is a lie." I think art, music and literature are expressions of the human condition.

My sister was born with a few hairs on her back....i LOL just thinking about this.....My Dad told her that when babies are born, seeds are sprinkled on to the babies head (like grass seed) and then the hair starts to grow. But when hair seeds were sprinkled on to my sisters head someone had left the window open and a few blew onto her back....hence the few hairs she gets there

Well, quite, Cam, I was merely reporting what the book said! Presumably that is what a number of people in that society thought at the time. I think it's pretty safe to assume readers are not supposed to agree. Given that they are reading a novel. And Anne grows up to be a writer.

It's not 'political correctness' Awen.

No-one tells me to feel this way. It comes from my heart. I can't help it. I think it's shocking and really mean to tell kids they have to name ants or it's bad luck, or there's a global shortage of lollipops. They'll believe you because they trust you. Tee hee hee. Let's abuse some trust in vulnerable people.

Sharing in cultural fantasies (FC, Tooth fairy etc)is a different matter. I would still tell my children if they asked me directly whether they existed. Like someone said though, I'd ask them to keep it to themselves so as not to spoil it for others.

I can remember asking my mother for some crisps when we were on holiday in Scotland and visiting the "Faerie Glen" a forest where the faeries live, obv.

She didn't want us to have any as we were soon to have lunch so she explained that we would frighten the faeries away with our loud crunching if we ate crisps.

We just loved that.

As there were 4 of us children, Spidermama, I think "crowd control" would be a more appropriate term than abuse

Ds2 has seen a 'Truth detector' among the Spy Gadgets in Toys r US and has requested one for his birthday next week.

I think he's on to me