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Original poster

The lies we tell our children...

120 replies

Flamesparrow · 05/05/2006 12:09

"You have to have both sides of your hair tied up because otherwise you will be unbalanced and fall over lots"

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fairyglo · 07/05/2006 20:23

On the issue of parents never lying (and I'm afraid I find it hard to believe that someone can claim never to have lied ever), I think those parents being smug about never lying are actually over-congratulating themselves. Your children always see more than you realise. Sadly, I'm afraid children just don't think we are the know-it alls we think we are. You may think your children believe everything you say and that therefore you must be very truthful with them but we were perfectly aware as children of when our parents were using the social-smoothing lies - father Xmas etc but played along because it suited both parties. Your children aren't the innocents you think they are, I'm afraid and I think children enjoy having their legs pulled. All this "Uncle X was only joking" just kills their fun and the fun of the adult involved.

edam · 07/05/2006 20:38

I think it's a shame to deprive children of comforting or entertaining myths like Father Christmas. Human behaviour and history isn't entirely logical or rational. So why subscribe to a strictly rational view of the world? Human beings are storytellers by nature. The same stories occur across many different cultures suggesting they have some intrinsic importance to human beings. Myths and legends are important. They may be a different way of looking at the world, but they can help us understand things we'd miss if we only looked at dry facts.

spidermama · 07/05/2006 20:46

Hey Fairyglo ... you go your way, and I'll go mine.

There is a difference between playful fantasising, suspending disbelief in role play, and lying to keep control of your child. I'm happy to hunt fairies in the woods or to do the tooth fairy bit, but if they ask me directly if there is a tooth fairy, I won't lie.

I'm not 'over congratulating' myself as you so rudely put it. I simply feel that lying to children is abusing a position of trust. It would be like lying to a foreigner because they don't quite know the language and you know you'll get away with it for your own means. At worst it's an abuse of power and at best it's lazy parenting which stores up problems for later.

Also IME those who use the word 'smug' to describe others tend to have insecurities surrounding the issue in question. Otherwise, why not have the confidence of your own convictions if you're so sure there's no problem whatsoever with telling your kids lies to make a smoother ride for yourself.

My dh lies and 'jokes' with the kids. They come to me now and say, 'Dad says .... Is it true?' because they knowhe can't be trusted and I can. Sometimes it is true and sometimes it isn't, but they now feel the need to check it with me.

I don't delude myself into thinking I'm always right or that they think I'm always right. But they know I wouldn't lie to them and for me that's crucially important.

Mine clearly isn't a popular view but I feel strongly about it so I won't creep around avoiding the issue no matter how often I'm accused of being smug.

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babyonboard · 07/05/2006 20:50

edam - you eloquently put down exactly what i would have if i was more 'wordy'
damn the internet sometimes..if in real life i'd have talked out this forvever but on here it's hard to make a 'soundbite' and also hard to sum it down to a few sentences.

spidermama · 07/05/2006 20:53

I agree edam but myths and legends need to be propounded as such and not as fact.

hugeheadofhair · 07/05/2006 20:58

I don't deprive my children of stories/myths/legend that are so important in our culture. I just tell them that that's what they are, stories. In your imagination everything is possible, and when I look at my children playing they are not deprived at all in that area, in fact, perhaps by pointing out that they are stories/imagination I actually encourage more imaginative play than telling them the lies. I don't know, just thinking out loud here.

soopermum1 · 07/05/2006 21:26

my mum taught me all the lies i know, such as 'noddy's very tired and wants to go to 'bo bos'(bed) and you must go with him. she keeps coming out with more and more lies the bigger my son gets and they're all recycled from when i was a kid- and i believed them at the time!

verysleepy · 07/05/2006 21:30

Can anybody help, does this sound familiar to anybody? My three year old wakes up nearly every night between 8.30 and 9.30pm crying.
Actually some nights when I go up she doesn't even seem to be awake, sometimes she says it is a bad dream and sometimes she just babbles or keeps wailing for up to 10 minutes.
Any ideas on what I can do to stop this, or is it normal behaviour for a three year old?
She seems happy enough in the day.....

verysleepy · 07/05/2006 21:31

sorry new to this, put this in the wrong place....

caterpiller · 07/05/2006 23:53

To be honest, that's the only lie I tell and I think it's more important that ds keeps his straps on than the fact that there isn't really a policeman round the corner. We do 'do' Fc although dh thinks that is just the same as telling them that ghosts or monsters are real.
As we are not religious, I resent some of the things the children are told in school in RE eg when you die you go to heaven etc. Does anyone else share this particular sensitivity?

Bugmum · 08/05/2006 08:26

I'm a writer, so a professional liar, but yes, caterpiller, I do share your sensitivity about heaven etc. That said, I don't feel the need to tell my DS that fairy stories aren't true: believing in them is half their magic.

When I was little, I had a plastic duck that you pulled along on a string and which quacked as you did so. One day, I came home from school and my dad told me Quackers had flown away. It wasn't until I was telling this to my DP as an adult, that I realised it couldn't possbily be true . Turns out it irritated the hell out of my dad and he stamped on it.

fennel · 08/05/2006 08:56

my position's very like Spidermamas, i am very uncomfortable with the idea of deliberately lying to my children. but we still have quite a lot of "fantasy" play and they have vivid imaginations and enjoy playing games about fairies and father christmas without me ever telling them these things exist.

one of the things I enjoyed most about having children is the philosophical and theological discussions i have with my 6 and 4 year olds - when they ask about things like religion, or faries, or myths, we have some fantastic chats about the nature of the world and beliefs and stories, which can be far more interesting than just pretending to them about how things are.

Cam · 08/05/2006 08:58

Agree with edam and fairyglo on this one

My dds have enjoyed working out for themselves what is fantasy and what is not as they have got older

fennel · 08/05/2006 08:59

but Cam, my children are also enjoying working things out for themselves, but it still doesn't have to start from working out that what adults tell them isn't true.

Cam · 08/05/2006 09:01

Oh dear so are you saying I'm harming my 9 year old dd with our frequent discussions about fairyland and dreamland?

fennel · 08/05/2006 09:06

no i'm not saying that. i don't mind what other people say to their children, i'm not saying anyone else shouldn't tell them these things. but i do think that NOT telling them that father christmas etc exist doesn't necessarily spoil an enjoyment of magical stories and play, or limit enjoyable discussion on these things.

HunKeRMunKeR · 08/05/2006 09:09

Those of you who don't "lie" about Father Christmas and the like - do you tell your children not to tell other children that he's not real?

Or do they wreck it for many of their classmates?

Cam · 08/05/2006 09:14

My 9 year old dd invented fairyland and dreamland herself a few years ago as places she goes to when she goes to sleep at night.

fennel · 08/05/2006 09:16

we don't "tell" ours he doesn't exist, in that way. we just don't push it as something to believe. i think mine do half believe in father christmas and half not, so they aren't going around debunking other children's ideas. and if they talk to us about it we tend to ask them what they think and why.

themoon66 · 08/05/2006 09:29

Mine are teenagers now, but when DD and DS were little and saying they didn't want to go to school, I used to firmly put their coats on them and say 'its the law and mummy will go prison if you don't go to school'!

Harpsichordcarrier · 08/05/2006 09:35

I agree with spidermama too actually. No fibs about FC around here either.

lazycow · 08/05/2006 09:42

Interesting thread. Dh and I are having conversations about Father Christmas etc and what we say etc. at the moment (Ds is 17 months old). We are rather reluctantly (I love all that Father Christmas stuff) coming to the conslusion that we won't lie about this.

I have some lovely strict Christian friends who clearly told their children that Father Christmas didn't exist but they explained that other children did believe in him so it was not nice to upset them by telling them otherwise. Apparently my friend's children thought this was great and the fact that Father Christmas wasn't real turned into the 'family secret'.

I'm not sure where I stand on a lot of this yet. However I will tell a story - are we all comfortable?. When I was 18 my boyfriend's father was dying of cancer. He and his 13 year old sister were obviously very upset. His sister however was told by everyone (including my boyfriend) that her Father was going to be fine.

One day after visiting him in hospital she asked me (for the first time) if her dad would be OK. I found myself unable to lie - despite the instructions I had had from her mum and brother.

My answer was ' We don't know for sure and he is really ill at the moment so it is possible he won't be OK". She was absolutely devastated and sobbed so much I felt terrible. I also got a real telling off from her family for not sticking to the 'party line'

When her father died a few weeks later. She asked that I sit next to her in the funeral car because as she put it I was the only one who hadn't lied to her.

I don't however always belive in the complete unvarnished truth - If my child is not attractive (yes I know they always look beautiful to us but while we are on the subject let's be honest here - we know if our kids are beautiful in the objective rather than in the subjective sense ) I would always tell them they are beautiful etc.

lazycow · 08/05/2006 09:44

Ah but themoon66 - that is probably true nowadays

fennel · 08/05/2006 09:57

lazycow, that's really interesting. my SIL is dying of cancer, probably in the next few weeks. she has a 13 and 9 year old who have been told things are OK and their mother will probably get better. all the other cousins aren't being told what's going on. and i obviously don't want to step out of the family line which is that everything's fine. so i just keep out of it.

but DP and i do argue about what children should be told in those circumstances, i'd always go for the truth however seemingly brutal really.

meowmix · 08/05/2006 10:08

that the recline button on his seat on the plane was actually the take-off button, Mummy's made the plane go forwards and Daddy's made it go backwards.

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