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Parenting

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Original poster

Would you try for another or be content with what you have?

22 replies

ohcluttergotme · 27/01/2013 16:51

I'm 34, have almost 14 year old dd & 3 year old ds. Been with dh for 12.5 years.
We have been struggling financially since having ds as we hadn't really done the math for mortgage payments plus childcare.
Dh really waned another & we tried for a year but lots of BFN's. We've since thought we should be content with what we have, our home is a small 3 bedroom so we can make it work if we don't have another & our financial situation will improve. If we have another it's going to be more years of no money & more of a squash & a squeeze!
Also whilst off my pill my period was horrendous every month whereas when on its nothing.
I know in my head we should be happy & focus on making a good life for our two. But, in my heart I want another baby.
What would you do?
Thanks for reading x

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juneau · 27/01/2013 16:54

This is a question that no one can answer for you! But, given your small home and your financial situation I think I'd stick with two, if it was me. We all have broody urges in the same way we have other urges, but we don't have to act on them. But then I'm a head over heart person, every time.

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 27/01/2013 18:42

Thanks juneau I tend to be a go with my heart type of girl but now I'm 34, in major debt & wish I could go back & be more sensible so not in financial mess now! x

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IrnBruTheNoo · 27/01/2013 19:45

I agree with juneau. You also have to consider the feelings of your two existing DC, and how having a third child would impact on them too...There's a lot to factor in.

I only have two DC (have had stupid thoughts recently of wanting another, but that's all it will ever be, cannot afford another).

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Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 29/01/2013 07:01

Thanks irnbru I know that the last 3 years have been hard on my dd as we have had no money due to paying crippling mortgage payments & childcare costs for ds. She has been pretty good & I think soon things will improve slightly whereas if we have another thats going to be another 4-5 years of no money & we have no room.
I think I have to be realistic & go with my head that says No More!

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EMS23 · 29/01/2013 07:11

My SIL recently had a 3rd, against her DP's wishes (in that she came off the pill without telling him, not that he wanted a termination).

It's like she's set a bomb off in their lives. They can't pay their mortgage, the childcare costs are crippling them and she has just been signed off work with stress and exhaustion. Their older two (6 & 11) have become latchkey kids as they can't afford wraparound care for them anymore.
My poor SIL is at breaking point and her relationship is on a knife edge.

I feel desperately sorry for her as I completely understand that she felt her family was incomplete etc but the consequences have been huge.

My new nephew is lovely, of course he is, but he was a 'heart' baby and if 'head' had won out, their lives would be a lot easier right now.

In your situation and having seen my SIL struggle recently, I'd stick with two.

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 29/01/2013 07:30

Thanks EMS23 how awful for your poor sister, I hope things improve for her & her family. We are kind of where your sister is financially at the moment & squeezed into our little house. I think I have to go with my head and focus on the 2 children I have & appreciate & enjoy them. I would lave the joy of pregnant again & the feeling of holding my little newborn but think I have to be realistic about the long term. Maybe ha I been more sensible in the past I wouldn't be in the financial mess I'm in now

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IrnBruTheNoo · 29/01/2013 09:06

ohclutter you'd probably want to hold another newborn after your third child was a toddler, when does it ever end, you have to ask yourself? It is natural to have bouts of broodiness for some women (I am included in this!!) and it's okay to have these feelings. Think of how blessed you are to have two healthy DC and perhaps take up a hobby that will take your mind off thoughts of another DC. I'm now involved in charity work which means I cannot obsess over broody thoughts as much these days. It is difficult, but there comes a time when you've to think of the two DC you've already brought into the world and how a third would impact on them and your financial situation. It may not cost much in the beginning, most babies don't. It's as they grow older, it starts to get extremely expensive raising three grown DC (according to DH who was one of three!).

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 29/01/2013 11:04

irnbru your right, and think I am conveniently forgetting that in the beginning I was up feeding my little boy every 2 hours, the thought of that & then looking after a lively 3 year old is not good!
Also have just had to ask my parents to take out a £3,000 loan for us as we have fallen behind with mortgage & out credit is so bad the only loan we could get was with 50% APR whereas my parents got us a loan for 5.8% APR. Our situation would be financial suicide to have another baby. Think I'm a romantic at heart & do love babies but have to be realistic here. Also my poor teenage dd has suffered cause of us buying home we can't afford & having ds when we can barely afford home.
Nope all in all no more babies & should find myself a fulfilling hobby!

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IrnBruTheNoo · 29/01/2013 11:50

Can you maybe be a volunteer for Sure Start or something, once your DS is old enough to go to nursery five days each week? You can get a cuddle of others' babies each day? I am looking forward to DS2 going to nursery after summer hols this year, means I can really crack on with doing all the things I've always wanted to do during the week.

Sorry to hear about your financial troubles, things will get much easier though for you as a family as you move on with your life with your two lovely DC :)

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 29/01/2013 15:23

Hi irnbru ds just started nursery place last week so today! I work 3 days a week & so get 2.5 hours twice a week...bliss! My sis-in-law has just had her 4th (5,3,1 & new born) so maybe I should go visit her & get a cuddle with her baby, only problem she lives 40 miles away! Thanks for advice

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Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 29/01/2013 15:24

So today was first day I had some time...meant to write!

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IrnBruTheNoo · 29/01/2013 18:38

See how you get on with your DS at the nursery and enjoy your free time to do with as you please. It may suit you more than you realise. I don't know how I'll be after the summer holidays when DS2 goes, but I'm hoping it will get me looking into the future about where I want to be in 5/10 years time too. It can only be a positive!

Yes, that sounds like a plan getting plenty snuggles with your newborn niece/nephew! At least you don't have the sleepless nights to contend with now!

SolomanDaisy · 29/01/2013 18:43

34 isn't that old. You could wait a few years, get your finances sorted out and then try again!

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 30/01/2013 06:19

Do you think solomandaisy I think I just feel pretty old! It's like I have a feeling of its now or never If you know what I mean?

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IrnBruTheNoo · 30/01/2013 10:14

Waiting a few years to get finances sorted out won't solve the problem that you'll still need to afford to raise three DC if you went ahead in five years' time or two years' time, etc. The element of financial strain will be even more if you add more DC into the mix SolomanDaisy.

SolomanDaisy · 30/01/2013 10:18

I suppose it depends on your circumstances. If you will have paid off debts and both progressed in your careers in a few years, then you might be better able to afford three. I had my first at 34, so it seems young to me!

IrnBruTheNoo · 30/01/2013 10:51

If you're in bad debt as the OP has already stated, getting yourself up the duff with another one (or twins - can happen!) isn't wise. They'd be struggling to make ends meet. Sometimes you've got to look at the bigger pictures, not the urges you get from your ovaries.

IrnBruTheNoo · 30/01/2013 10:53

My eldest will be 10 yo when I'm 34, and there's no way I'd be going back to nappies again by that point! Horses for courses, and all that!

SolomanDaisy · 30/01/2013 11:04

I'd have liked to have children younger, but unfortunately we had fertility problems for many years. It's been fine though, we're still in the nappy stage and I am happy!

Obviously I don't know enough about OP's situation to know whether it will improve in a few years.

IrnBruTheNoo · 30/01/2013 11:27

Sorry, I didn't mean to be insensitive SolomanDaisy. I just meant from the OP's situation, she even admits herself she'd have doubts because of the costs, and explained she's needed her parents to help out with a loan.

DM had difficulties conceiving in her 30's which made me even more determined to get cracking with it all in my early 20's (luckily I did meet someone I wanted to marry aged 22).

SolomanDaisy · 30/01/2013 11:51

It's fine, I'm not oversensitive about it! I got married at 22 too.

Original poster

ohcluttergotme · 30/01/2013 18:23

Hi agree with both points irnbru & soloman think cause I had my dd at 21 & she's nearly 14 I feel ancient (teenage daughters have a way of making you feel old!) but I'm knackered with ds who is a VERY lively 3 year old. I regret having one so young sometimes & I regret leaving the gap so long, selfish reasons for big gap as I trained to be a nurse. Should really learn the art of contentment! x

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