Soooo hard

[Kafri]

Am I really the only person finding this mummy thing sooooo difficult?
Don't get me wrong,I'm thrilled I have DS but I'm knackered. He's 4 weeks old and will not sleep on his back at all. Dr tried gaviscon as hv suspected reflux, didn't work and DS was still really unsettled (all the time). Dr is now trying lactose free milk which seems to be calming him tho he still won't settle ANYWHERE but on someone.
Doesn't even settle properly in the car or pram which he did the first week we were home, sleeps for a short time then wakes and screams. It upsets me as you see all these mums with content little babies out in the pram and there's me with mine screaming!
DH and I have been doing shifts with DS as someone has to hold him 24 hours! I'm getting worried about how I'll manage when DH goes back to work and its just me! He sleeps really well when on someone but the minute he goes down, he unsettles himself. He hates being swaddled and fights his way out!
I've lifted his crib at he head end, I've raised the mattress, I give a warm bath in bedtime routine etc
Looking back, he has always been unsettled on his back, even in hospital. I just thought it would settle but it got worse to the point where he won't go down at all. At one point he would only sleep upright-so curled up against our chest.
I tried having him in bed with me - kicked DH out, moved to middle of bed etc but just didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep myself.

I've tried letting him cry, just for a few mins (like while I boil the kettle, or nip to the loo), but it doesn't stop and I'm not comfortable with leaving him any longer than that -I just think he's too young.

I've always been really good with kids, I work with them too, so why ami finding this soooo hard. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed and all over the place.

Please help and share you're experience as a new first time mum.

Oh and overnight, well between about 5-8am he seems to have really bad tummy cramps. He's on lactulose for constipation from the gaviscon but the tummy cramps also happened before the constipation too? It was like he was staining for hours to poo then when he finally managed his nappy was perfectly normal. The first time it happened I thought he was bunged up then was really surprised when his nappy was normal when it finally happened.

I feel like everyone else has these happy content little babies, and then there's me!!

Sorry it's such a long rambling!

Right, what's my best bet here...?

As of tomorrow I'm going to start taking ds to bed with me at 9.30 ish instead of our current shift thing we have going

So, would I be best waking him and doing bath bottle bed before going or leaving him asleep and just coming down to feed him when he wakes naturally. He doesn't have set feed times as such but he has been 'due' one recently between 5.30/6.30 ish. It all depends on when he's fed throughout the day. I was told to feed on demand which does fall into a pattern of 'roughly' 3/4 hours but doesn't give set times as it were.

Not sure what to do as there's the old saying 'never wake a sleeping baby' on one hand and in the other, is he better having a feed before we go up. Overnight when he's had his last at 6.30, he's been going to 1am ish so he doesn't wake naturally for a feed late at night it appears. Would be nice if we coul have that length of time but starting a bit later.

You'll probably get as many opinions as posters on this one .

Personally, being the lazy easygoing person I am, I'd go with his cues and I would not wake him for a feed. At this point he is only beginning to the idea that there is a difference between day and night (or that there should be!), so giving feeds in the dark/semidark at night time with minimal interaction (ie no playing/little eye contact/soothing noises only) is a good idea and more 'conversation' and bright smiles during the day IYKWIM.

I really hope that co-sleeping will make as much of a difference to you as it did to me. It honestly saved my sanity and probably stopped me from running away - not that I would have really, but I certainly felt like it more than once!

The other thing is what do I need to to to make sure he's safe and I get some sleep.
I spent my whole pg with people telling me 'do not sleep with baby' but I've come together conclusion that its my only option really.

So I need to do it safely...

I've looked online but I much prefer the real life views of you guys who do it day in day out.

I co-slept with DD, like Pacific it saved my sanity and there was no other choice, despite being told on leaving hosptial to 'please never let her sleep in your bed'. Needless to say it left me very anxious about co-sleeping and I spent a lot of money on things that were supposed to make it safer. With DS I was much more chilled out and we had non of the accessories but still co-slept. He is 2 really soon and I still sleep with him although he is showing signs that he is ready for me to leave.

I just noticed a cotbed thread in Chat so you could have a look at that. I reckon that would be the best idea, having a three sided cot right up ( attached ) against your bed.

Basic safety tips are to have baby on the outside, not between two people, not near any covers or pillows and don't co-sleep if under influence of meds, substances, alcohol, if very overweight or very tired. It's that last one that's a bugger to avoid in my experience . If you have a cotbed or three sided cot attached to your bed then you have no worries about LO falling out. You can get bed guards from mothercare which we used for DD but I didn't bother with DS.

Cultures all over the world sleep as a matter of routine, some of them (China? India? - I forgot) have far lower SIDS rates than Western Europe/USA.
Remember, co-sleeping is only ONE risk factor, and not the worst one INO.

So, to make it safe:
Don't drink alcohol or take medication that affect how alert you are. Don't allow anybody else in the bed who had a drink etc.
Have a firm matress.
Make sure DS cannot slip down the gap between matrass and wall for instance.
Have him sleep on the inside.
I slept with my arm above my head, on me side IYKWIM - DS1 was under the arch of my arm.
Overheating - avoid. I had him in his grobag with me under a light blanket of my own next to him.
Don't smoke.

Lots of it is common sense. Personally, I was so aware of his every move that I never felt it was not safe.

Hi ho, hi ho, off to work I go !

I coslept with dd - tucked the duvet to waist level, wore pyjamas so I didn't get cold, no pillow and DH was in the spare room (bed too small). If you want your DH in with you, he goes on the other side to baby. Baby goes on outside, you in middle. I used a foam bed guard under the sheet to stop dd rolling out. I also tried fixing the cot flush and level with the bed using bungee cords but dd preferred to be right next to me. I also made sure she was slightly under dressed as my heat would keep her warm. But I also had a cellular blanket (ones with holes in) so I could pop that over us when it did get cold. As it was cellular I didn't worry about it accidentally going over her head (which it never did)

Absolute best thing is to convert your cot to three sided if you can and it fits. Push the cot mattress over to meet yours and block the gap on the far side. Even if she sleeps snuggled up to you, it will stop her rolling out.

Other than that I agree with the others - the only points I'd make - don't put the baby ON the duvet as they need to sleep on a firm surface with nothing loose around them, and duvets reflect body heat so might make them overheat.

The reason they recommend babies go on the mother's side is that fathers are supposed to be less "in tune" - if I'm honest I could only feed from the "bottom" breast so had to feed DS on both sides of me, we occasionally fell asleep with him in the middle, and XP always seemed aware of him. Just be aware of it if you decide to have the baby in the middle at all - speak to your DH and see how he feels too. Of course if baby is on your side you need something to stop them rolling out even if they seem to be nowhere near rolling.

Ok, points noted. Where do I stand about waking him for a feed before we go up or leaving him be tip he wakes naturally?

(Not that it's looking like i'll have to wake him - he's currently screaming blue murder and has been since 2pm) I hate seeing him like this!

Leave him be. He needs sleep and his routine will change. Maybe when he's older and settled more.

He is sleeping little enough as it is by the sounds of it, so I would just leave him be tbh. I am firmly in the 'Let sleeping babies, sleep' camp.

I'm with the others, don't be waking him up, unless he was sleeping for hours at a time, which sadly he is not. I would just try and encourage nighttime by keeping feeds dark, quiet, minimal activity.

Hours at a time during the day that should read.

How are you getting on, Kafri?

Are you still interested in the Fussy Baby Book?
Hope you are ok x.

I went through exactly this for the first 4-5 weeks of DD's life (she's 13 wks now)...

THEN i discovered Harvey Karp - The Happiest Baby (google it)

She transformed within DAYS

We also thought she had reflux etc..had gaviscon. We were able to ditch all that, which I was thrilled about, as honestly, I don't think such tiny babies should be on such medication.

She sleeps on this www.kiddies-kingdom.com/maternity/9579-clevamama-clevasleep-positioner.html?gclid=CMDDhPOBm7UCFa_MtAodnEgA4g

inside her moses basket, and we started swaddling her immediately after watching Harvey Karp.

The results, like I said, were instant.

Totally totally different baby.

The other thing we did was change her bottles - from Tommee Tippee (utter shite imo now!) to Dr Browns. Seriously. Dr Browns are amazing. Such a different to her reflux (if that is what she had)

Since being 5 weeks old, DD has slept through the night (6hrs+) and I've been able to take her out without the constant screaming etc.

Please, do pm me if you want more info. Personally, I wasn't a fan of the idea of co-sleeping and pumping drugs into such a tiny life didn't feel me with happiness either. I can also offer help with what we did with feeds etc.

I've gone through this very very recently, so know exactly what you are going through!

(sorry, just re-read you said he hates being swaddled...well trust me, so did DD until we watched Harvey Karp and realised we weren't doing it quite right!!! When we followed his instruction, results were instant. Please don't think co-sleeping is your only option!)

This was my baby, you need ranitidine, ditch the gaviscon, put baby on side or tummy, get pepti 1 milk on prescription. Massage tummy and burp and burp for ages.it is milk protein allergy whethrr you are bottle or breast feeding

This was my baby, you need ranitidine, ditch the gaviscon, put baby on side or tummy, get pepti 1 milk on prescription. Massage tummy and burp and burp for ages.it is milk protein allergy whethrr you are bottle or breast feeding

Pacific yes defo - actually thought I'd replied to your pm - bloody baby brain (I thought this was a myth)

havingastress great name, very appropriate for me atm. Will have a look at Harvey Karp and pm you any questions. Thank you.

wheredoistart he's already on Pepti 1 and Ranitidine after seeing paediatrician.

EVERYONE right, after a marginally better few days ie, still constant effort to keep calm but effort seemed worthwhile unlike before when he would scream regardless. Last couple of days have gone downhill again. He has started with the squirming after feeding again and taking ages to settle. He gets very upset when he need to poo and goes into utter meltdown until he poos but his nappy is perfectly normal. Has pood every day until today, nothing today at all.

Has been in absolute meltdown all evening. This time neither Hoover nor bath had any effect. Has just calmed about 10 mins back.

Now I have another problem. DH is as laid back as they come but even he is beginning to tire now. He's been so wound up this evening and no amount of me telling him this will pass is working. He simply doesn't believe it. I've tried explaining about everything being new to ds and his body having to mature and him having to learn new skills but its in one ear and our the other. I need to get DH back on track as he helps keep me sane (selfish I know).

How can I make him believe that this isn't forever when I'm not quite sure I believe it myself

Baby brain is definitely real !

PM me your address when you have a chance, Kafri, and I'll get it on its way to you. Might be a good read for your DH as well...

Gross generalisation alert: IME a lot of men like to 'fix' problems and get very frustrated and irritated when a problem is beyond 'fixing'. I think that is why it is often fathers who push looking for what it 'wrong' with their screaming infant. And of course it is absolutely right that a baby should have all possible physical causes checked out and treated if at all feasible. The rest is perseverance and not losing faith that it WILL get better... with time, lots of it.

Much as I said upthread 'don't look ahead too far' (and I stand by that day to day), it is worth considering how many toddlers you know who scream every waking minute? I had some high intensity toddlers (DS4 is still a limpet at nearly 3 ), but that incessant baby crying does stop. Just when is impossible to predict.

My 10 week premature, confirmed reflux (Barium swallow), on Omeprazole DS2 was less unsettled than DS1 (and DS4...) and is still far more chilled than his brother. He was ill and often unhappy with that, but always screamed for a reason, rather than for sheer panic like DS1.

sorry to hear that. Trust me though, it will pass. It will get better.

At 4 weeks, DD was a mess and frankly so was I (bad birth, forceps, episiotomy, damage from epidural!! I could go on). My DH is also laid back, and like you say, he was at breaking point too.

Just cut yourself some slack. Have some pyjama days. Don't try to be supermum. Just get through the day. However you can. ASK for help. Take as much help as you can. Get out of the house (and away from the screaming!) for at least 15 mins a day. If you can't do that, just put the baby down, let him scream and walk away. Have a glass of wine whilst humming to yourself!!

If it's any consolation, I currently have a 'pooing for England' baby after reacting to her jabs! So even when you think you possibly have it 'sorted' something else always comes up.

One thing I've learnt is this - don't listen to anyone else and how much their baby is sleeping etc. They're probably lying!!!

If you PM your address, I will send you the Harvey Karp book

Hang on in there! 4 weeks is still very very young. At 4 weeks I went to my mum's house for 4 days, and slept from 7pm - midnight every night whilst my mum dealt with the baby, then I took over through the night (every 90mins or so!). Just do what you have to do. Get some sleep, however you can.

Awww havingastress poor baba - hope she's much better soon - i've just got a date through for ds jabs - something else to make him uncomfortable.

Another question...

Thinking about the 'rod for your own back' phrase...I'm trying really hard to get DS to nap better in the day, as many of you have said, he is massively overtired.

This morning I got him to settle by rocking and rubbing his back. This afternoon and just now, however, the only way I can get him to settle (he's quiet now but not asleep) is by laying him on his front and turning the hoover on or by playing an app of the hoover sound. Now my question is, is this ok or am I gonna end up with a baby that will only go to sleep with the sound of the hoover?

He finishes a feed and appears sleepy but then as he's trying to settle his tummy gets uncomfy and he starts the wriggling/squirming pattern which wakes him up and then there is no getting him to settle again once he's finished the wriggling.

Oh and can anyone shed any light on the best swaddling blankets to use and where to get them. The blankets I have all appear a little small for swaddling and he manages to get them loose. The last week or so he has appeared to quite like being swaddled.

Right The best swaddling ones I found were actually huge muslins from TK Maxx (still in stock, pack of 3 £11.99). I did buy a specific grobag swaddle thing and it was useless. You need a large square muslin really. Sorry it's not on their website, just checked, but I have been in 2 different branches of TK only yesterday and both had them in stock. (and some fab dummy holders to go on your pram or bag )

re. hoover sound. I ordered a white noise dvd off ebay - it's got the sound of waves crashing. She won't sleep without it. I couldn't give a toss ha, she sleeps. It actually makes us sleep and feel drowsy too. Who cares if she gets used to it? I'm gradually turning the volume down each week, but tbh, I'm not that bothered.

I put DD down still awake. In fact, she's sat here now screaming. I'll be moving her to her bed any minute, and she definitely won't be sleepy when I put her down. But I know she's tired. My rule of thumb is, once she's been awake for 2 hrs she needs a sleep. If you go over that 2 hr window they are then grumpy/crying because they are overtired.

Book is in the post Enjoy!

Thank you soooo much havingastress x

Most kids will sleep without a hoover on by the time they are 16 .
I don't mean to be glib (I find crap humour helps), but DO WHATEVERY WORKS just now; the only constant is change and you will find this is true of your baby too.

Re swaddling: the only thing DS4 (also a crier but nowhere near as bad as DS1 had been) could not escape from was his Woombie . Did not make him sleep, mind, but he did stay contained .
I've got 2, hardly used, in two different sizes if you are interested? Please don't feel that I am dumping all my no-longer-needed baby stuff on you .