Soooo hard

[Kafri]

Am I really the only person finding this mummy thing sooooo difficult?
Don't get me wrong,I'm thrilled I have DS but I'm knackered. He's 4 weeks old and will not sleep on his back at all. Dr tried gaviscon as hv suspected reflux, didn't work and DS was still really unsettled (all the time). Dr is now trying lactose free milk which seems to be calming him tho he still won't settle ANYWHERE but on someone.
Doesn't even settle properly in the car or pram which he did the first week we were home, sleeps for a short time then wakes and screams. It upsets me as you see all these mums with content little babies out in the pram and there's me with mine screaming!
DH and I have been doing shifts with DS as someone has to hold him 24 hours! I'm getting worried about how I'll manage when DH goes back to work and its just me! He sleeps really well when on someone but the minute he goes down, he unsettles himself. He hates being swaddled and fights his way out!
I've lifted his crib at he head end, I've raised the mattress, I give a warm bath in bedtime routine etc
Looking back, he has always been unsettled on his back, even in hospital. I just thought it would settle but it got worse to the point where he won't go down at all. At one point he would only sleep upright-so curled up against our chest.
I tried having him in bed with me - kicked DH out, moved to middle of bed etc but just didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep myself.

I've tried letting him cry, just for a few mins (like while I boil the kettle, or nip to the loo), but it doesn't stop and I'm not comfortable with leaving him any longer than that -I just think he's too young.

I've always been really good with kids, I work with them too, so why ami finding this soooo hard. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed and all over the place.

Please help and share you're experience as a new first time mum.

Oh and overnight, well between about 5-8am he seems to have really bad tummy cramps. He's on lactulose for constipation from the gaviscon but the tummy cramps also happened before the constipation too? It was like he was staining for hours to poo then when he finally managed his nappy was perfectly normal. The first time it happened I thought he was bunged up then was really surprised when his nappy was normal when it finally happened.

I feel like everyone else has these happy content little babies, and then there's me!!

Sorry it's such a long rambling!

Either a stretchy wrap or a close/caboo sling, you can't beat these. I made my own stretchy wrap and it was very easy and worked absolutely fine.

They take about a minute to put on at first but then you can pop baby in and out all day. The close is quicker to put on but possibly slightly less supportive (?) and it's more expensive for what I see as unnecessary extras. They don't need adjusting as you tie it around you so it's already the right size for different people as soon as you put it on.

Erm pacific I think you might have shared the wrong link

This was my favourite carry to use when DS was little

Ooops, sorry - the link gives you an idea what my DS3 currently looks like...

I should clearly go to bed, and so I shall.

I hope you get some rest, kafri.

Bertie, apart from actually linking to what you said it would link to, yours is also a much better demonstration.
And what a cute baba, aw

I think the VERY ALERT thing is a big part of the problem or at least it was with DD. I think looking back that she was totally over stimulated and found lots of things completely overwhelming so shopping queues, bright lights, car rides, crazy mil playing peek a boo, pretty much everything led to more sceamage.Also the period of time between tired and overtired was really, really small. So basically as soon as they start to look away probably means they are ready for sleep.

If he likes the Hoover you could try putting him in a bouncy chair in front of the washing machine. Also cranial osteopathy, I had forgotten about that, we didn't take her until she was 9 months, and it really helped, they said she would have most likely had a massive headache when she was tiny which had contributed to the screaming. so that might be worth investigating.

As for the sling I did love the Close carrier and I had a few others but it was the one DD preferred. I got it from eBay so didn't pay much for it and sold it again too. It was really easy to put on but it does have lots of fabric that you adjust when LO is in but it's easy to do. If there is something similiar for cheaper I'd go for that. It also only lasted me til they were 6 months, I know folk who used it for longer but I didn't feel it gave enough support once they got heavier. The Ergo was my best friend after 6 months. There is a sling/carrier topic somewhere on here.

Hope you are Ok.

There is also a really effective baby massage technique to help prevent sore tummy's. Both mine had trouble with this and I was convinced DD was constipated despite the HV saying breast fed babies never got constipated but when the GP had felt her tummy they said she was and gave lactulose. Anyway with DS I had a very different HV who taught me some baby massage techniques and the one in particular that I used a lot was the tummy one. It's really worth seeing if there is a baby massage person near to you who could show you as you do need to be quite firm so helps to be shown what to do although the actual movement is a very simple clockwork motion on their tummy. DS used to shoot poo out whilst being massaged

My DC1 was similar but not as extreme. Unfortunately, sounds like you've got it tougher than most, Kafri.

This really helped my son, it's pricey but it seemed to settle him (even if it's described as stimulating, we found it was quite soothing.

www.tinylove.com/Product/English/Classic_Developmental_Mobile.html

I could leave him in his cot, on his back watching the swirls and listening to the classical music. We had one with bright geometric shapes but don't think they do that one any more. If I had any idea what we'd done with ours I would send it to you but no idea, too long back I'm afraid! The way the objects rotate and the black and white swirls go round make it more interesting and eye catching than other mobiles.

If you've already got something like this, maybe to help get him started or to build an association, when he's feeding calmly, have something like this on so he can start to watch it (you'll have to angle it over him if you sit next to the cot while feeding him) so that he can watch it initially while he's comfortable in your arms. As he gets used to it and once winded etc, have a go at laying him down in the cot under it and keep your hand over his tummy firmly but not hard so that he can watch it and can get used to the sight and sound of it, with you easing him into the situation and maintaining physical contact. If he does seem attracted, draw your hand back. And then pat from time to time pre-emptively. Gradually you might be able to build up the time he spends in the day on his back in his cot but I think the key is to try and get him used to sight and sound of something like a mobile when he's calm and focused on something like feeding so it's not just a case of plonk him down, switch something on and hope for the best!

But hopefully the nicer Dr you saw the other day can refer him if things aren't improving.

Sling wise, I wasn't a fan of the forward facing, hang off you type, DH was and he used that, I used mesh style one which you could have over one shoulder with baby more on the side.

Not sure how you mange to remain so good humoured and patient but hope you can keep your spirits up, it will get better. He sounds like a sensitive child, literally in terms of how he reacts to external stimuli but what is likely to come from this is his absolute fearsome love for you, you are going to be the centre of his universe, more so than for most other children, I have that with my son, he's still very sensitive, very reactive but also very very loving and caring.

Hang on in there, your reward will come!

www.tinylove.com/Product/English/Classic_Developmental_Mobile.html

Sorry link should work now.

Me too Back2Two, I totally have looked back in the past and thought that I didn't cope well and folk like MIL often still like to tell me that DS was so different as a baby/ toddler because I have a small clue now what to do whereas with DD I knew nothing. But reading all of this you realise that some babies really are very high need and have lots of commonalities, DD also moved all the time too, she moved way more than DS even before she was born.

And YY to total blackout and lots and lots of cake.

Kafri - just seen this thread and my DD2 was the same and it was something like really bad trapped wind, you could see she was in pain a lot. The Close/Caboo sling was amazing and I eventually found an American natural remedy called Colic Calm which helps then to burp/fart out the air! It was expensive (20 quid!) But it totally worked for us and I loved it - could be worth you trying it. Good luck.

Hi

I may well be about to jinx myself but we appear to have had a slightly better day (apart from the journey to my sisters that is). don't get me wrong, he has still cried a lot but my never ending efforts seemed to be having some sort of effect even if only a small one.
I'm absolutely drained from carrying, rocking, swaying, bouncing etc but fir once the screaming wasn't constant for the whole 12 hours.
usually I'm drained and have had no let up from the screaming anyway so all efforts appear in vain. I've even seen a few more smiles than i would usually!

I'm not naive enough to think that this may be the beginning of the end just yet - 1 good day does not the end make!! but 1 good day is 1 good day and it gives me hope for other good days mixed in with the awful days.

I'm going to have a look at the links you guys have posted when i'm not crawling up the stairs to bed at stupid o'clock and will make sure i get the best suited sling.

I am nervous about going out walking with him in a sling though - what if i fall? (don't laugh at me - well not too much anyway)

I am going to make a list of all your suggestions so I can make sure i'm not missing any of them out of my repertoire when DS is being his spirited little self.

My HV is coming Friday, she wants to assess my 'post natal mental health' as she puts it. The fact that i laughed at this comment tells me my post natal mental health is fine . Seriously though, it's no laughing matter to people who do suffer PN depression so I shouldn't make light of it, but at the minute i've got to find the simple things funny.

I'm on the waiting list for baby massage at my local centre. Was told baby had to be 6 weeks (which he is tomorrow) and then I have to get to the top of the list and someone would be in touch. Slightly nervous about going along and spoiling the whole atmosphere of the group with the screaming but we'll give it a go - don't see why I should be excluded from it when it might actually help matters. In the meantime, i'll have a look on youtube and give it a go.

I keep saying this, but I really can't thank you all enough for your help and support. I hope i've amused some of you and brought back memories for others (and no doubt driven a few of you nuts in the process)

At the end of the day, I spent over 6 years trying to get DS, ending in IVF so hell will freeze over before this colic/reflux/whatever it is beats me. Hard? Too bloody right, TOO hard? never! (especially with people like you to offer help and reassurance)

xxx

If you fall backwards, baby is on to of you and safe. If youfall forwards, your arms are free to break your fall so you don't land on ds. Safer than if you're carrying him in your arms.

Glad things are looking up.

Well, you don't sound like there is much wrong with your MH, thank goodness!
Just watch out, you'll be given a PND screening questionaire and the question 'Have you cried since you had your baby?' just made me give a hollow laugh at the time: I pretty much cried every day, but even in the depth of it never felt depressed. Frustrated, upset, tired beyond all reason, at the end of my tether - all that and some. But not mentally unwell, IYKWIM. I knew that if DS shut up became happier, I'd be fine too.

I have often said that I wished I'd knows about MN when I struggled with him because I would have gained so much strength from knowing I was not alone, he was not abnormal and I was not doing anything radically wrong.

Glad to hear your day was a wee bit easier x.

Oh and falling with baba in sling: you are less likely to fall with the baby held securely close to you by the sling (better centre of gravity). And what MrsHoarder said.

Front carriers ie BabyBjorns seem to be much liked by fathers, but are not v good for baby's hips and boy's bits, so not so good for prolonger periods of time. I also found that I felt too slumped over trying to support their weight when they were heavier. You need something to have some of the weight on your hips ie Ergo or other soft structured carrier IMO.

Have you even seen the threads on which people confess the many varied ways they have accidently hurt their precious children . The consensus seems to be that hitting a baby's head against a door frame does not count unless there is blood; babies bounce quite well; and nipping little fingers while trying to cut fingernails is almost mandatory...

Oh dont get me started on fingernails! Thankfully DS's don't seem to grow too fast but I'm terrified of cutting them. With being so unsettled all the time he's so wriggly so trying to cut them is a nightmare. I have to resort to carrying the clippers around with me and taking any opportunity I can!

Ice has a few near misses with cupboard doors in the kitchen while he's in the sling and I'm emptying the dishwasher - I just thought these were to be kept in the vault and never spoken of!

As for the falling - I'm a bugger for tripping on pavements/doorsteps/my own feet/thin air!

Oh, Kafri. My DD1 was like this; not as bad, maybe, but certainly screamed for 2-4 hours straight every evening, and never slept except on me.

I'm so glad you're really clear that you're doing the right things and all the unwanted advice-givers can fuck right off. Seriously, the Contented Fucking Baby Book for a four week old?

I have absolutely no citations for this, but: a friend of mine went to a talk by a respected paediatrician in the States, who has a theory that colic/screaming is a sign of an emotionally advanced baby. In that, what they're doing is making their own white noise to counteract all the stimulation and overwhelmedness of the new world.

That may be bollocks. But it is certainly true that both her very, very high needs screaming DD1, and my not-as-bad-but-still-a-bugger DD1 got through the newborn period and then turned into easy children. At 7 and 4, respectively, they are both still very easy to parent. We call them our Fisher-Price My First Babies, because our DD2s, both mellow easy newborns, are both utter terrors by comparison.

Great to hear you had a better day, those smiles do really help to keep you sane, and the belief that it really will pass in time.

As for tripping with bub in sling, I fall over a lot, I trip and stumble and basically fall over on my arse for no good reason and I have to say on one of the first times I had DD in the sling I did stumble down some stairs but she was fine. You quickly get used to it and if the worse happens you instinctively put your arms out to protect bub. Just make sure you wear flat shoes

Really hope things are ok today for you. Also don't worry if at the baby massage class all the other babies lie still softly cooing and gurgling whilst your DS flails, cries, goes bright red and poos everywhere. This is entirely to be expected!!

Hello Kafri
I had a very similar problem with my daughter. Screamed and cried constantly, wouldn't settle, hardly slept. She was also a very clingy baby and preferred to be held all the time. Also threw most of every feed up. Turned out it was trapped wind. Had to spend literally hours with her sat on my lap with her sat up while i rubbed her back to help the wind up. After huge 'burps' like you wouldn't believe from such a small baby, she was much more restful. Also used bucket loads of something called Infacol which is for colic in babies, seemed to work but it did take weeks for it to clear up. Hope this helps and sorry if i've repeated anything anyone else has written, i never read the whole thread. x

thanks madlymoo, i've been using Infacol for ages now - on the full 2 dropper dose in each bottle. If it is helping matters, then I don't want to see what he would be like without it. He had a couple of days where he did some enormous burps - some AMAZED me, but that seems to have lessened now. He brings wind up easily on this new milk he's on.

He was sound asleep in the sling so popped him on his cushion in the living room and i made a brew and sat down to reply to messages - makes a change from doing on my iphone while trying to comfort him. That was at 11.00. it's now 11.15 and he's back awake and gearing up to scream - back on with the sling I guess.

How do you find just sitting and doing things with him in the sling? If it's a good front pack, no need to unstrap him really.

i popped him back in his sling and he fell back asleep - I've just sat down to eat a bit of lunch and he's woken cos i'm not moving. bouncing him doesn't work - it has to be full on movement! i cant keep on the go the whole day long. for starters i'll run out if things to do - i'm going ti have the cleanest house/best stocked fridge on mumsnet at this rate!!

I used to bounce around walk etc for a good 20 mins. After that time they've fallen into a deep sleep by then so less likely to wake.

The only two things that worked for my amazing crying-without-stopping-for-months baby were time (!) and the fisher price swing. Best money I ever spent.