my teenage daughter is constantly rude to me

[janelewes]

hi, am struggling with my daughter age 14 , she is very rude a lot of the time to myself and her brother who is 11, often sniggering at what he says, dh does not get the same behaviour at all, but he is not with them so much, it is really upsetting me , i do not know what to do , today i have said that pocket money will be stopped until she stops being so unpleasent to me. she works hard at school and is a model student. However for some reason she is really vile at home, very grumpy and tense and it makes a difficult atmosphere. any ideas other mums ?

Hello jane take your pick,
hormones
lack of confidence at school and in the big wide world (so picks easy targets at home like mum and DBro for bigging herself up)
hormones
self consciousness (public displays of affection with parents or little brother, yuk)
getting too big for her boots
did I mention hormones?!

I am sure you keep calm but try not to raise your voice however infuriating, sometimes teens are spoiling for fight so any excuse to roar and they will.

Consequences like you've demonstrated, stopping pocket money or being grounded for a weekend when there's a party or trip planned so you become the meanest mum in the world. Winding up her brother or cheeking parents, needs nipping in the bud. You can have selective deafness if it's low level grumbling.

Don't forget some teens love to moan, "oh my mum's the worst, guess what she said last night", mimics voice, whinge, complain. But they will learn what pushes your buttons and if you are reasonable, she'll respect you.

Oh and you are bound to be slagged off on Facebook or whatever your daughter's on, don't forget thanks to texts every one of their pals is more up to date with her life than you or Dh.

The funny thing is they often relish parameters being set - you are a constant presence and all around them things can get chaotic: their peers are starting to outgrow old friendships, the opposite sex is suddenly a major factor and teachers are on about exams... Now they're halfway through secondary school and suddenly grown up life-after-school is beginning to sound real.

I found that taking a deep breath and letting DD keep her bedroom as she wanted it, not quite at bio-hazard level, was an important sanctuary for her.
The occasional treat - not to win her over or score brownie points, she'll see through that, more as a useful bribe - some item she'd like to wear, something like tickets for some event.
Carefully measured freedom in small doses, but trust has to be gained and any failure in contact, timekeeping or sobriety earns forfeits.

Sorry for the essay!

You simply firmly tell her it isn't acceptable and you won't be spoken to like that. Very bad examples they go straight to their room.

My 14yo doesn't, my 11 tries to. She gets very short shift.

She is also unbelievably lovely at school so she isn't going to start being a pain here.

if it makes you feel better I was vile at that age and often had my mother in tears with my nasty attitude - I'm 35 now and we have a very good relationship! dont worry it didn't take that long to fix - (although I think it did last until my late teens I'm afraid!) but the rudeness was just a sort of mad hormonal bubbling away of too much emotions/ stuff going on in my private life etc.

If you can I would try to be calm and ignore....getting upset/ angry won't help - see it like a toddler tantrum - a little storm in their mind that they can't quite control.

'Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town?' is a book that is recommended by MN posters - the Teenage thread is also very helpful. I find walking away and counting to 10 all good tactics. I've also learned not to always have 'the last word' and in my case remembering who is the adult. It's so hard when they have a personality transplant from the lovely girl to vile teenager, who says hurtful things and then seems to be normal, as if she had never said it - approximately 10 minutes later!!
Sorry rambling - I wish you luck and just keep talking there is a community of experienced MNs here, I would recommend Teenage Thread x

I'm with Startail. There is absolutely no reason why she should be allowed to talk to you as though you are shit just because she's 14 and feels like it. I don't care if you are 7 or 17 in my house, the rules don't change for YOU. We speak to each other pleasantly or the consequences are not worth thinking about! I think you were right to stop the pocket money. Be firm and make it clear that you expect her to treat you with politeness.

hi everyone, you lovely amazing people, thankyou so much for taking the time to respond to my problem, I have been since exercising extreme self control when responding to her, and not getting angry and upset and blowing up, which seems to be sage advice. Honestly thankyou so much, its really nice to have your thoughts,
am just still also trying to get hang of using mumsnet so have only just realised there was a thread to look at.
have a snowy good weekend xxxxxx
kind regards to all

I have all the above with my daughter who is only 12... however every time i discipline her ie ground her , take her phone from her, she goes to her dads(divorced) and will not come home. shes vile to me and her brother (age 11). she is playing me off big time but he supports her , doesnot back me and encourages her to stay there at his and is now buying her stuff i have refused her because she is too young. any help gratefully recieved???