Violent Tantrums from 3 year old - end of my tether

[QueenSconetta]

Firstly, please be gentle with me, I am feeling quite fragile about this at the moment.

DD (3.2) has taken to having screaming, violent, meltdown tantrums if she doesn't get her own way or if she is being told off for her behaviour. I try to stay very calm, tell her it's not acceptable but she doesn't stop, she just screams at the top her lungs. I try to put her in timeout but won't stay there, and I don't want to physically restrain her/shut her in.

The threat of toy/privilege removal doesn't make any difference and generally you can't get a word in between the screaming.

I just literally had to carry her out of soft play because she wouldn't stop screaming, wouldn't go in time out and just planked on the floor when I tried to get her to walk (she didn't want to go home and had just tried to bite her friend for pulling her jumper)

I am also concerned that the level of anger in her might not be normal, none of her friends seem to do this.

Helpfully, my DH thinks it's my fault because she doesn't behave like this with anyone else, but I think that is because of the very stringent routine at her childminders, and the fact that he gives in to her on the once in a blue moon occasion he has her on his own. My Mum who also looks after her had a tendency to give in, but I can't let her call the shots all time.

Any advice?

Just ignore her when she goes nuts, if you are out somewhere, warn her that if she does not stop you will leave, if she carries on then leave, if she won't walk, scopp her up, not talking to her, no eye contact and just leave. If you are at home, just ignore her and have a nice time with your DH/on your own.if you are with a friend. Laugh, joke, eat biscuits, dance to music etc etc, she needs to see that you are not going to give any attention WHATSOEVER to her unacceptable behavior. When she does calm down, and this may take a while, but do not give in, give her lots of attention and cuddles and say things like 'you are so much nicer now, we can play together etc etc' When she is being good and fun you need to give her lots of praise and attention, almost OTT. She will enventaully learn that bad behavior equals zilch attention from you but normal/good behavior does not. If you try and talk to her, calm her down, do time out, she won't hear what you are saying, you don't want or need to get a word in between the screaming, your attention just adds more petrol on to the fire of the meltdown, no attention and the fire eventually goes out. Honestly this works, keep at it, ignore her totally, she will stop I promise. She is totally normal, some kids have bigger lungs than others! You all need to do this, otherwise she will get mixed message about what her behavior will and won't acheive. My youngest was a bugger, he's now 5, went beserk once at a music class thing when he was about 3, he was hideous, disrupted the whole class so I had to take him about flailing all over the show, I drove all the way home in tears because he was so nuts and I was so pissed off and embarressed, but they all do it beleive me, and a friend told me about this completely ignoring tactic and it worked.

Thank you, it's worth a try!

Agree with carocaro, ignoring is the only way. When she is in a real state, threats of time out etc just won't get through to her. My DS2 had a massive screaming tantrums yesterday (he's 3.3) because he didn't want to get in his car seat, you are not alone!

Also sounds like your DH needs to spend a bit more time with his DD! I'd book a day's spa / shopping if I were you....

You're right he does, but that's a whole other thread. Although in fairness he works shifts so not always easy.