Same sex parents...advice needed

[kokeshi]

Hi there, I joined a while ago and have been a frequent lurker. I've been amazed at the genuine and caring support and advice given and received between members, so here goes.

2 years ago, in my late twenties, I finally admitted and accepted to myself that I was attracted to women. I was married but unfortunately around this time my husband(who was living in another country)died.

I met an amazing woman and we have been in a relationship since then and her strength has helped me through those rough times. We are now talking about starting a family and therein lies the problem. She is openly gay and has been for years. I now live quite near my parents with my partner but they (I don't think) know the nature of our relationship. They are from a traditional catholic background (I have been brought up in this religion too) and I'm not sure how they would take it.

I guess my upbringing must have a bearing on the way I feel about bringing a child into a same sex family. Is this right? Is it selfish of me and my partner? Are there any other people out there who have experience of this?

I'd really appreciate any thoughts on it. As I'm not 'out' I don't really have anyone close to talk with except my partner, I guess I feel a little isolated in my dilemma! Thanks.

There are a couple on here with kids, Dot1 and Juno, hopefully they can give you advice.

I come from a catholic background myself and to that extent I can only wish you good luck! It's not going to be easy. I think you should be honest about your relationship with those around you before you start thinking about children. And how about making it formal now that it's legal? Before any children come into it, I really would be totally honest with friends and family and make a proper commitment to your partner. How does she feel about it all?

Hi, I'm straight, so perhaps don't have the perspective you want. Just wanted to say that as long as you intend to love your child, of course you should go ahead!

I'm straight, but am friends (via my mother) with a couple who have a much loved, confident and happy daughter. They were trying for another baby via IVF but unfortunately miscarried.
No advice to give really apart from if you are in a loving and committed relationship and would love your baby, then go for it. Only concern I have is that you aren't "out". Obviously only you can make the decision to go public as it were, but by being secretive maybe that wouldn't be the best example to set a child. It must be terribly scary and difficult to go public about what is in essence a private thing between you and your partner, but my gut feeling is that the best environment for a baby to grow up in is one with 2 committed and open parents, same sex or otherwise.

I agree with Rhuby and Pooka's suggestion that you and your DP should be honest and open about your relationship before having a child .

Thanks folks for all your supportive advice so far, I know the next step is to be honest about our relationship and I suppose I'm just trying to accept it myself...years of conditioning and denial! It took me long enough to come to terms with it, and although I'm not and have never been homophobic, I'm aware of how an unconventional upbringing might affect a child. My own hang-up really! In this day and age there is still an anti-gay sentiment when it comes to same-sex parenting, which is evident daily in some right wing paper or other!

If two people love each other and have a strong trusting relationship surely they will make fabulous parents, regardless of gender/beliefs/class...
I can only reiterate the importance of completely accepting your feelings before bringing a child into this world, only when you are completely happy with your choice will you be a positive role model to your child.
I think any child that is loved can thrive.. Don't get hung up on the gay thing..

It will be very difficult for your parents to accept your choices, of that I'm sure you are aware, but if they see how happy and sure of your relationship you are it will make it easier for them, I'd also recommend you don't break both pieces of news at once, perhaps leave the children idea for a while so they can get used to your decision..

Good luck
x

After discussing with DP the different options of conception, it seems she is set on having a sperm donor who would have nothing do do with the child's upbringing. She feels strongly that father would be a "third wheel" - the child should be ours without outside interference. I suppose I can understand that as I would be the biological parent, but again, I'm wondering if this is selfish to deny the child the right to know it's origins.

To those who know people who've gone through this...do you know how they felt and how they resolved it?

I'm not totally in the closet my newer friends are aware of my sexuality but no-one in my family or from before I was married.

In case you are not aware Kokeshi, the law has recently changed in that a child conceived using donor sperm now has the right to apply for the identity of their biological father when they are 18.

The same applies to donated eggs.

So your child would be able to fidn out about their genetic heritage.

I agree with the others btw about your relationship, and wish you luck.

I know some children from so called 'sperm-banks' are trying to get the law changed because they want to know who their fathers are. I suppose in a way, it's a bit like adoption was in the 60's when children were prevented from finding out who their biological parents were, and the same with the parents because it was judged that it was best for the child. But of course it isn't. Every person deserves to know where they originate from. If you withhold this from your child, they will always wonder, always question. It will be like there is something missing from their lives, a big hole.

Of course you do get the children who really don't care and take their adoptive, or otherwise, parents as their own without question. But I do think that choice should be up to the child, the parent should not deny that child the information.

I've also heard, read, reports from children growing up in same sex relationships that it is important to have a father/mother figure available. In your case, that might be an uncle, a grandparent or whatever. If you have a little boy, he needs to identify with someone his own sex, and a girl learns about men and their differences from her father or a substitute. I'm sure they'll be people saying that it isn't necessary, but it's better. It's a nice thing to give a child, a father figure. Whether it is necessary or not, it's still a nice thing to give them and helps them prepare for the future and a life with men in it.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm straight but a catholic so I have some idea of the difficulties you will face. If you and your partner face up to those difficulties together and stay strong, then you are ready for children! You will be ready for anything!!!

Ah FrayedKnot, x posts! The law has changed!

That's what would worry me I suppose, a lack of a role model of the opposite sex, although I do have a brother who has a young child of his own.

I don't know myself what the ideal donor scenario would be: male friend, sperm bank donor, gay friend and what the implications would be of each. So much to think about before you even start!

My DP is a few years older than me, and I know would be totally committed to our child. She is also getting to the stage where she's frustrated about my not telling my family about our relationship.

I come from the kind of family who doesn't talk about their emotions, and problems are not confronted. I get the feeling my mother might have an idea of what we're about, but would rather not have it confirmed!

I can't imagine what other conclusion she could come to about two grown women living in a one bedroom flat! Methinks she has a bit of the ostrich in her

I think you need to talk to Dot1 and Juno, can you CAT them? Might be worth a fiver. They knew their donor as far as I can remember, they have 2 boys.

But first thing is first, you need to be honest about your relationship, once you ride through that storm, then you can talk kids!

Thanks again for all your kind words

I haven't signed up for the CAT thing. Do they come on here often?

No, not often, that's why you sign up for the CAT thing. No, tell you what. I have the CAT thing, I'll contact them and direct them to this thread ok?

Oh, thanks so much, that would be fantastic!

Done it!

Hi kokeshi, I'm a lesbian mother with a six month old daughter. There's so much I want to say in response to your post, but maybe it would be easiest if you contacted me via CAT?

Just briefly, on your two main questions:

1. We chose a donor that would be involved with our family, but I have several friends who have chosen anonymous donors so I know a fair bit about the pros and cons. I don't think there's a right or wrong, but I chose to have an involved donor because I didn't want to risk it being a big issue for my child. The experience of my friends has been that many children born to same sex couples go through a period of being intensely interested in their father, absent or not. I expect most of them get over it but I didn't want to take the risk. On the other hand, you HAVE to find a completely trustworthy donor (and that alone took me years) and it is undoubtedly better to have an anonymous donor than one who will not act with honour and integrity.

1. It is certainly not selfish to have a child in this situation but you need to understand that it will 'out' you in a way that you have never been out before. You can't expect your child to keep its family a secret. Most of the children I know in lesbian families are always gleefully telling people (postmen, shop assistants, strangers in the street) that they have two mums, and if you can't feel comfortable with this you will make life far tougher for your child.

But enough for now - either respond here, or CAT me. It will be lovely to talk in more detail

PS. Talk to Dot and Juno as well - they're really sound.

Thanks again Rhubarb...I've read your posts before, and you've made me giggle a good few times. Hope the family are well!

Getting over it all yeah! But I can't sleep with dh now that I know the ins and outs of his bloody arsehole!!!!

kokeshi

This is very much my personal opinion, so please feel free to ignore it.

My biological mother died when I was 2. I was brought up by my father and stepmother, and whilst I was told that my mother had died, I was never offered any information about her, or had any relationship with her family. Growing up not knowing my genetic heritage affected me hugely. I've posted about this on here before - whislt I didn't want to have a relationship with my biological mother (because my stepmother perfectly fulfilled the mother figure function in my life) I desperately wanted to be able to ask my bio-mother (or anybody who had known her) questions about my genetic background - itfelt important to me because I didn't know how much of me was me and how much was inherited IYSWIM.

Whilst I have no problem with same sex couples having children, I do feel very strongly that those children should have access to their biological parents, just from a "where I come from" angle rather than a day to day influence. But that's just me - I know there are plenty of adopted kids or kids growing up apart from their biological parents who have no such problems. Only you and your dp can make the decision as to what is right for your family to be. But I do think it's right that it is something you are considering carefully at this early stage in the process.

Good luck

Hi Hester...wow, thanks for all that. These are definitely some of the issues that I've been considering. I really want to make sure I have as much info available as possible before we embark on this journey.

I haven't signed for CAT yet, so my email is jenniemack at lycos dot co dot uk

Prufrock, thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate your candour in such a personal matter to you. I actually agree that it's important to at least know where you came from. I wouldn't feel comfortable denying this part of a child's existence either. This is realy valuable for me, again thanks.

pmsl at "in and outs of dh's arsehole!"